Infin.sadness Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Hi everyone, to make this short, i have been reading this forum for the past 6 months, i never posted anything, im not very good at expressing myself and the main reason, i knew even if i looked for help, like istilllovehim said, every ow here thinks her situation is unique, we'd listen, we understand, but close the broswer, we go back to where we were. I broke up with my mm like a month ago, he wanted to give their marriage last try for their children, and he still loves me. if he really loves me or not doesn't really matter to me, i told him romance is about two be together at the end. and, well, it's what i felt, women who came here including me are grown women we know what guys act like when they truely are in love with you, or maybe i was too paranoid, i didn't think he loved me, actually i never believe you can love someone who you know for only 6 months, it's passion, desire...well you know what im saying. Anyway, i broke up with him, i'm very proud person i would never let some guy use me as a sex tool no matter how crazy i'm in love with him. I felt very bad the first week after the broke up, i got drunk every night or stoned to help me sleep, but i have started feeling better recently, i'm the kind of person i never push on things, or anyone, or myself, i just simply thought that, what else can i do, since i won't ask him to give us another chance, and even if i cut my wirst for him, i don't think it will do much on him either, so i must move on. ( i suck at writting i hope you know what i mean and it might help ><) Ok...here comes my question..i had to go see him last night for working need, and before i went, i took shower and i shave ....then i suddenly thought...what the **** am i doing? since i knew we were not gonna have sex or whatsoever not even touch hands and why i wanted to shave my leg? i was so scared by what i was doing and i was so very disappointed in myself and i was so embarrsed.... And during the meeting..he touched my back, i got so hot immediatly, the ichy feeling in heart....you know all those feelings... I seriously can't figure out why i'm being like this, i'm very disappointed/angryat myself... p.s i have seen some people asking why the ow want to get involved with a mm at the first place, or question like why you want to be with a cheater? for my own experience, i didn't know he was married till 2 months after we'd been seeing each other. i remember the first day we met we were so attracted to each other and he asked me out...i asked him if he's got a gf, he said "of course no i'm single". and to many other ow, i believe they were told the same thing. and when you feel you are in love already it's late to end it, sounds wrong to some ppl ( who sound really confident tey think you can choose who you love, in some stage, yes, like i don't think i would ever get attracted to guys that talk too much i like quiet ones ,but you get no choice when you're already in love) Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Nothing is wrong with you. You broke with someone who you wanted to be with regardless whether he is married or not. The main thing here is to hold you chin up high and not let him know that he can stir feelings inside you when he touches you. Time heels all wounds. So don't worry and just avoid him. Should you have to meet with him just make sure you look your best and happy for not being with him. Hope this helps Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I'm sorry you didn't find out that he was married until after you fell for him. I am glad you found the strength to break it off. I know you must be hurting, but realize that this just opens you up to find the love you deserve. But you ask 'what is wrong with me?', here's my opinion. i'm very proud person i would never let some guy use me as a sex tool no matter how crazy i'm in love with him. Ummm... I hate to break it to you, but you did. i got drunk every night or stoned to help me sleep I know you were hurting but this was not a healthy way to deal with it. Next time, exercise, count sleep, drink herbal tea. when you feel you are in love already it's late to end it, sounds wrong to some ppl ( who sound really confident tey think you can choose who you love, in some stage, yes, like i don't think i would ever get attracted to guys that talk too much i like quiet ones ,but you get no choice when you're already in love) No, it is never too late. It depends on how much you believe in yourself and your right to demand respect, commitment and loyalty from your man. You will NEVER get that from a MM. You CAN choose who you love. You CAN control your own emotions. Jeez, you are not a child. If you find out the man you are with lied to you about something as serious as being married, you break it off. Yes, it will hurt. But realize that what you had feelings for was not the truth. The man you cared about lied to you and didn't reveal who he really was. You loved who you thought he was - not who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Infin.sadness Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 :/ i didn't make it clear... well i mean...if i wasn't let him touch me... why the !#@% i was shaving my legs for :/ it's just so disappointing. thanks for your kind words...i'm quite good now, well most of the times i work crazy hours and when im home i go to bed straight away, dnt really have time to think about it eh Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 It worries me that you are talking about cutting your wrist, even hypothetically. Have you talked to any one in person about how much you're hurting? Please don't hurt yourself, or do drugs or drink to cope with pain. It's self destructive. Go out, and have fun!!! Keep yourself active and busy. It will hurt less over time. Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 All this talk of "you can't control who you love" really frightens me. I'm 29 years old, and if I don't have any control over who I fall in love with, I could fall in love with a random 13 year old girl. I could lose my job falling in love with my bosses 17 year old daughter who is interning at our office, and I would lose my job for something I have absolutely no control over. I'm going to my family reunion in a few weeks, and what if I just happen to "fall in love" with my cousin or my sister, since I have absolutely no control over it? And maybe we should just let Michael Jackson diddle all the little boys he wants .... he can't help it if he loves little boys. Love chose him, and he was just a victim. Let's not judge until we've been in his shoes. Some people seem want to make love sound like some kind of communicable air-born virus that you contract like the flu. What an absolutely unromantic way to look at love ... as though it were some type of affliction, and you could easily replace the word "love" in a sentences with the words like Cancer, AIDS, Polio, Smallpox. How depressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Same Situation Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 InmannRoshi, there's a big difference between the scenarios you're using as examples of "love" and the relationship that Infin.sadness and others in this forum are trying to get over. When you're one of two consenting adults who have had an amazingly overwhelming romantic connection, you can't just "decide" to be out of love because you've been dejected by your partner or, pardon the expression, KICKED IN THE NUTS by circumstance. So, no. You really can't help who you fall in love with. Oh, but if we could! Wouldn't the world be quite a place to live... YEAH, quite a bad and boring and unhuman place. If we could "decide" to be in love during one moment, and then the next "decide" to be out of love, as if someone flipped a switch and turned our ability to love off, wouldn't that makes us sort of robotic? Wouldn't that make our world freakishly shallow and devoid of romantic trust??? I don't think I should need to school you on this, but I'll go ahead and do it anyway: Emotion is what makes us human and is at the core of what drives us as a race. *Not that we should be completely driven by emotion...that's why we've also been blessed with the gift of logic.* But remember that the degree to which we love is pretty much all we have going for us as a species, and compassion is a side effect of love. So show some compassion for those coping with heartbreak, because heartbreak really sucks and kicking someone while they're down and scoffing at their pain makes you not only uncompassionate, but unlikable as well! And it also gives you bad karma. So today you should go out and do someone a good deed to negate the scoffing you just did to Infin.sadness and the others in similar situations who are suffering in this forum. It will make today better. I promise! Link to post Share on other sites
Infin.sadness Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 inmannrshi my english sucks but i'll try my best to make my point clear. I didn't say you can't choose who you fall in love with, like i said, i would never get attracted to guys that talk too much. and the golddigger chick would never fall in love with a guy with no money. there people choose who they fall in love with. there is an example, i saw a post on Gender&Sex Identity not long ago, this guy was very confused he fell in love with a "girl" but soon he found out "she" was a "he", in this case he couldn't choose who he fall in love with. i believe most of the ow here were told their mm was single at the first, by the time they found out the truth they were already in love with their mm it's not easy to choose who to love any more. it's not like you bought a diamond ring and you found it's made of glass you can easily throw it away... Spoke thanks much for your words, i been reading your story, my mm went back to his wife too, even thought he say she is mental his kids mean more than anything in the world to him, but i think he loves her, even if he doesn't, i don't care and i shouldn't care, he has made his choice. i'm fine, i wasn't doing all the stuff just because of the mm. many other things were going on i was very depressed. i'm ok now, just don't care that much now, there's no reason to hurt myself and let myself feel bad, if i could die i would just die, but i'm not living for only myself. so if you are gonna be alive, be happy or misrable everone would choose "be happy" Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 When you're one of two consenting adults who have had an amazingly overwhelming romantic connection, you can't just "decide" to be out of love because you've been dejected by your partner or, pardon the expression, KICKED IN THE NUTS by circumstance. So, no. You really can't help who you fall in love with. Oh, but if we could! Wouldn't the world be quite a place to live... So, the difference is that when its two CONSENTING adults. Well, I looked up consent in the Princeton Online Dictionary and it reads ... give an affirmative reply to; respond favorably to In order to give consent, you have to make a decision. So, you decide who you give consent to and who you don't. Yes, Im afraid its still a decision which you absolutely have control over. YEAH, quite a bad and boring and unhuman place. If we could "decide" to be in love during one moment, and then the next "decide" to be out of love, as if someone flipped a switch and turned our ability to love off, wouldn't that makes us sort of robotic? Wouldn't that make our world freakishly shallow and devoid of romantic trust??? A robot? Sounds like the definition of a rational human being in control of his or her own life. I don't know ... having control of my destiny in life is extremely romantic to me because it implies that I have world at my command To just be a mindless slave of natural impulse like a monkey who feels compelled to throws his own poop seems rather unromantic to me. Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Originally posted by Infin.sadness inmannrshi my english sucks but i'll try my best to make my point clear. I didn't say you can't choose who you fall in love with, like i said, i would never get attracted to guys that talk too much. and the golddigger chick would never fall in love with a guy with no money. there people choose who they fall in love with. there is an example, i saw a post on Gender&Sex Identity not long ago, this guy was very confused he fell in love with a "girl" but soon he found out "she" was a "he", in this case he couldn't choose who he fall in love with. i believe most of the ow here were told their mm was single at the first, by the time they found out the truth they were already in love with their mm it's not easy to choose who to love any more. it's not like you bought a diamond ring and you found it's made of glass you can easily throw it away... Spoke thanks much for your words, i been reading your story, my mm went back to his wife too, even thought he say she is mental his kids mean more than anything in the world to him, but i think he loves her, even if he doesn't, i don't care and i shouldn't care, he has made his choice. i'm fine, i wasn't doing all the stuff just because of the mm. many other things were going on i was very depressed. i'm ok now, just don't care that much now, there's no reason to hurt myself and let myself feel bad, if i could die i would just die, but i'm not living for only myself. so if you are gonna be alive, be happy or misrable everone would choose "be happy" You may not have control of your impulses (emotions), but you absolutely do have control of how you act on them. I get angry at people, but I don't strike them in violence. I'm may get very attracted to a girl across the room, but I don't walk up to her and start fondling her. So, yeah, you can explain away your emotions ... but your actions have no rightfull justification. Link to post Share on other sites
infin.sadness Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Originally posted by InmannRoshi I'm may get very attracted to a girl across the room, but I don't walk up to her and start fondling her. What are you trying to tell me by that? Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 So if I meet a girl and she tells me she's 19 years old, and I later find out that the truth is that she's 15 years old .... its still perfectly okay for me to sleep with this underage girl anyway, because she didn't tell me the truth from the outset, and by the time I find out the truth ... sorry ... I'm was in love. Couldn't help it. Yeah, I'm sure that would fly real well with the judge and the girl's parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Same Situation Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 No, InmannRoshi it wouldn't be okay to keep seeing a 15 year old because she would not be of a *legally consenting* age (what I meant by legally consenting adults earlier). But that doesn't mean that just because you find out she's not what you thought she was, you're expected or supposed to or even able to up and "decide" to stop feeling powerful emotions, such as love, for her. You're just legally supposed to not act on it anymore. You've missed the point entirely, and all I can do is *shrug*. If you pride yourself on thinking that you're mechanical enough to pick and choose your emotional reactions at the drop of a hat, and you're content with that, then that's your problem to deal with and no concern of mine. ENJOY. Link to post Share on other sites
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