Kismetly Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 I read and hear a lot about people leaving their spouse for an old boyfriend or girlfriend. Do these relationships work? What sor of success rate do they have? A friend has reconnected with a girlfriend from 25 years ago. They were not allowed to be together at the time because they r different races and her family didn't approve. He's left his wife and 3 children to peruse what can only be a fantasy?? Anyone have experience of this particular kind of madness? Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 14, 2012 Share Posted April 14, 2012 This has been discussed in an old thread here on LS: I found some statistics online after googling studies of lost-and-found-love. One study of 1600 plus lost-love reunions from 2005 showed that 62% were extramarital affairs, as opposed to an earlier study where it was only 30%. Internet is the explanation of the increase. Another study of 1000 lost-and-found lovers showed that 75% were still together after a decade. When these lovers married each other, the divorce rate after 4 years was 1.5%, which should be compared to that for any second marriage which is almost 25% after 5 years. It looks pretty encouraging for those of us in rekindled love affairs. What one would need is of course a study of only lost-and-love extramarital relationships and their success versus failure rates, but this is what I found so far. There is a dark side of this of course: "Lost-love reunions may linger in limbo—or they may destroy marriages. 'The true victims are the spouses who never saw it coming,' Kalish says.... Most spouses don't realize the risk when a partner announces that first e-mail from an old high-school friend, says Kalish, but if the friend is of the opposite sex, alarm bells should go off. Likewise, she says, 'if you're married, think long and hard before contacting that first love. Your life may be forever changed.'" (The above stats and the quote are taken from an article in Pshycology Today, 2006/06: "Lost Love: Guess Who's Back?") http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/219766-what-chances-8.html#post2648415 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 There is a biological explanation to the intensity in these relationships: 6. Isn't there some research that suggests that this love might have a biological component? Yes. Remember that expression used for teenagers, "ranging hormones?" When teens are in love for the first time, hormones like oxytocin and vassopressin are released when the sweethearts are sexually excited. These chemicals form emotional memories in the brain, stored in an area called the amygdala. When the lost lovers meet again, those memories are released by the familar sight, smell, touch, sound of the long lost lover. The feelings are comforting and familiar and also very sexually arousing! Q & A: Reuniting With a Lost Love - Relationships Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 I think it's fantasy based most of the time. Now heading into my late forties I often find myself wistfully remembering my teenage years and my early twenties. I even have dreams sometimes about being a teenager again and still living at home with my parents. Really odd because I never had dreams of that nature before. I think if someone from long ago suddenly popped up in my life now it would certainly stir up some emotions in me and if it was one of the guys I used to see and sometimes even think about to this day, I might get sucked into a romantic fantasy of long lost love, fate and soul mates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) Someone's first love from when they are a teenager is part of a person's DNA of sorts because they are their first "heart break" as well. First loves leave an impression on the heart and when they hook up years later their is a strong chemical reaction, ofter mistaken for long lost love. However, there are times when it is truly a lost love. I had that experience and found that we broke up the second time around for the very same reason we did as teenagers. We just were not a good match and not meant to be. Edited April 15, 2012 by spice4life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 I personally do not know a single person who has reconnected with a former love and it has worked out. Even people who were not married when they reconnected. Sounds like the guy used rekindling as an excuse to end his marriage. Hope the girl was worth it because he threw away a family. I personally don't know a single person who is an astronaut, therefore, there are no astronauts. Seriously? That's your logic? What about facts and statistics? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 I actually know a young man whose father chose to leave the wife and children whom he loved and took off with his high school sweetheart after he met her at a high school reunion. His family was, of course, devastated, and never really recovered from such a betrayal. Very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 A friend has reconnected with a girlfriend from 25 years ago. They were not allowed to be together at the time because they r different races and her family didn't approve. I had that experience and found that we broke up the second time around for the very same reason we did as teenagers. We just were not a good match and not meant to be. There is a huge difference between relationships where one or both participants chose to end the relationship in the past and relationships were the two were forced apart by situational circumstances. The couple in the OP fit this to a T - forced apart because of race. >1. Who are the prime candidates to rekindle a romance? The most successful rekindled romances were lost lovers who had been 17 or younger at the time of the initial romance -- first loves -- and had separated for situational reasons, like "parents disapproved," "moved away." "went off to college," etc. Age of the couples didn't matter -- if they were 18 or 95, the romance worked the second time. In fact, the older they were for the reunion, the better their chances of success. Q & A: Reuniting With a Lost Love - Relationships Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Lost and found love is a beautiful feeling but the chances of making it real depend on the present circumstances : availability, distance, etc.. For married people, rekindling the past is often an escape form their present M issues not looking for a new relationship. Someone who is in a happy relationship doesn't feel the need to revisit old flames. Unless both persons are available, most of the time it doesn't go further than an A. Married people rarely want to throw everything away for a lost love. Even when people are both available, sometimes it doesn't work out because of the same reasons that didn't make it work the first time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 Facebook and first love rekindled? That is why it's called Satan's notebook. I also don't use it because I think that a man is only as faithful as his opportunities...staying off of it minimizes ones opportunities. Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Facebook is awesome, a great tool for reconnecting with all kinds of folks - old loves, old friends, secret crushes, old workmates, ... I have even met "new" friends just on fb, where our politics or musical interests intersect, and they have become as enjoyable as real life friends. Yep, through mutual friends, I did indeed end up in an affair with one of my "new friends", a 1.5 year long affair - the whole enchillada. Love, torment, fun, amazing amount of similar interests, just hit it off. Long story, he finally separated, may still be separated but I walked away, too much pain, very difficult emotionally, ... Satan's notebook - yeah, maybe. Just opens up the world to old friends and "new friends". I've read that a lot of attorneys, when a divorce is beginning, go and try and see the other spouse's facebook page as there is often a wealth of damaging info, people are so stupid. Haha. On the other hand, I have reconnected in real life with many of my old beaus - and without a doubt, they are still the wonderful men that I fell in love with. Successful, good fathers, good husbands. I am thankful for those reconnections, one was overly emotional and beautiful and lovely and although we rarely speak, we will always be friends in our hearts and if I was in some kind of jam or crisis, I could count on him. Just because people get married, grow up, move away, or whatever - does not mean that those first loves were not real & meaningful. Some people operate without appropriate boundaries in their lives and things go askew. Facebook, in and of itself, is amazing - a place to learn, laugh, share pics, debate, and just connect. I love it. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Here's an interesting link for those who want to read more about rekindled love: Old flames reunited make the most lasting marriages - Science - News - The Independent I find this comment fascinating. It illustrates well what happens when an old love is rekindled, the meeting between the young love and the now mature participants. "'Our relationship is just as passionate and physical as before, although now we've lost all of our teenage inhibitions,' she said." Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Unless both persons are available, most of the time it doesn't go further than an A. Married people rarely want to throw everything away for a lost love. Wow, I guess that makes reconnecting with an old flame on facebook ok. How re-assuring to my wife that I am only going to have sex with my ex-girlfriends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Here's an interesting link for those who want to read more about rekindled love: Old flames reunited make the most lasting marriages - Science - News - The Independent I find this comment fascinating. It illustrates well what happens when an old love is rekindled, the meeting between the young love and the now mature participants. "'Our relationship is just as passionate and physical as before, although now we've lost all of our teenage inhibitions,' she said." And this is great if both parties are now free and not in a current relationship. Less great if they're already involved with someone else and now carrying on a dual life at the expense of themselves and the others involved with them. Personally, I think teenaged inhibitions are underrated. They're a reminder that there are consequences for our actions. Something that people often choose to overlook as they get older and more callous. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Wow, I guess that makes reconnecting with an old flame on facebook ok. How re-assuring to my wife that I am only going to have sex with my ex-girlfriends. You will only do whatever you choose to do, Facebook or no Facebook. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Haven't we already been barraged with all of these very romantical and fantastic "rekindled" fairy tales? Sure some people get back together with exes from their pasts. This doesn't make such relationships any more special and magical than others. And if they are extramarital affairs, IMO they are far less special and magical than most other relationships. IMO, it's a crock of you know what. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Haven't we already been barraged with all of these very romantical and fantastic "rekindled" fairy tales? Sure some people get back together with exes from their pasts. This doesn't make such relationships any more special and magical than others. And if they are extramarital affairs, IMO they are far less special and magical than most other relationships. . perhaps wrapping the relationship in all the trappings of a fairytale may be an attempt to disguise the stain of ugliness beneath it. Someone can wax poetic all they like about how " magical" their rekindled romantic affair may be, but it doesn't remove the fact that , behind the curtain, there's at least one person who will be hurt. I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 perhaps wrapping the relationship in all the trappings of a fairytale may be an attempt to disguise the stain of ugliness beneath it. Someone can wax poetic all they like about how " magical" their rekindled romantic affair may be, but it doesn't remove the fact that , behind the curtain, there's at least one person who will be hurt. I guess beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Learning about rekindled relationships gives you a scientific and biological explanation to the wondrous relationship you are already experiencing. It is unfortunate that there is someone getting hurt, but that is often the case with love. It's the price we pay for having loved someone. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Learning about rekindled relationships gives you a scientific and biological explanation to the wondrous relationship you are already experiencing. It is unfortunate that there is someone getting hurt, but that is often the case with love. It's the price we pay for having loved someone. No, it's not you who pays the price. It is the BS who unknowingly pays it for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 No, it's not you who pays the price. It is the BS who unknowingly pays it for you. We all have to pay the price for love. Noone goes unscathed through life. If no sooner, then when our loved one dies. In the case of rekindled love, the participants have most likely already grieved the relationship once. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 If the love is strong enough, a man or woman will choose their childhood sweetheart instead of remain with their MP. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Learning about rekindled relationships gives you a scientific and biological explanation to the wondrous relationship you are already experiencing. It is unfortunate that there is someone getting hurt, but that is often the case with love. It's the price we pay for having loved someone. No...it's the price paid by not CHOOSING who you love with care, honor, respect, etc... I don't buy into the "fated to love" concept. It's the relationship you feed that blossoms into love. CHOOSING to love someone at another's expense says much about character...of both parties involved. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Rekindled love doesn't have to turn into an A. It's quite possible for two people to love each other for life, so it makes sense that some of the rekindled love situations have happy endings. But the same rules must apply. If you meet someone you loved ages ago and believe you still love them, leave and go be with them but don't have an A. It doesn't work for either party and sullies the R. Rekindling love gives us no license to do whatever, to hurt those who we made vows to. What it should do is give us a second chance at love but both parties must be willing to sacrifice whatever else is going on to achieve this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 You will only do whatever you choose to do, Facebook or no Facebook. Facebook makes it a click away....Kinda like strangling someone or shooting them. If everyone had to strangle each other, the murder rate would be a lot lower but never zero. There are some determined people that would still do it, the rest would say say too much effort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 We all have to pay the price for love. Noone goes unscathed through life. If no sooner, then when our loved one dies. In the case of rekindled love, the participants have most likely already grieved the relationship once. How can you compare the natural act of death to the unnatural act of an affair for your own selfish reasons? Link to post Share on other sites
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