frozensprouts Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Learning about rekindled relationships gives you a scientific and biological explanation to the wondrous relationship you are already experiencing. It is unfortunate that there is someone getting hurt, but that is often the case with love. It's the price we pay for having loved someone. I humbly suggest that you read the last two sentences you wrote and really think about what you are saying... the " the price of getting hurt" is not paid by either the other man/woman or the married person, the price is paid by their spouse. if the rekindled love is that magical and powerful, then by all means, the two people should be together...as single, unattached people. The fact that the married person(s) remain(s) married mkes me wonder if the romance is as" powerful" as suggested in your posts. I think most people have had a high school romance that ended, and they met up with their old boyfriend/girlfriend years later. some may have felt an attraction...but most , who were married or attached, didn't act on it. Most are sensible enough to chalk it up to the "glory days" of youth, when everything was new and special, and you felt like you could take on the world. I think that a lot of the time , these rekindled feelings are all mixed in with other good feelings from our youth, when everything seemed so much more dramatic and desperate ( like "romeo and juliet"...the height of teenage drama-lol) This is not o say that one's old flames can't hold a place in your heart, or that old boyfriends/girlfriends cant be good friends...but i think it's really easy to assign way too much meaning to the 'drama' of it all.... I always wonder why those is affairs view their relationships as more "special" or "magical", etc. than any other kind of romance...I guess I've never really understood that. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 EXACTLY, FS. We all feel that "spark of attraction" when we run into an old flame. Most of us...if we're already in a committed marriage...know better than to FEED that attraction until it "rekindles" into love again. There's nothing magical here. Nothing amazing about it. Nothing "special" about that kind of relationship over any other whatsoever. It's just the dog you feed growing bigger 'cause it's been fed. Unfortunately, feeding that stray came at the cost of caring for the one that you already had and were already responsible for. There's nothing "glorious" about a rekindled past relationship that blossoms into an affair...I find it rather sad, to tell you the truth. It demonstrates that some folks don't have good boundaries or judgement, and lack the ability to remain faithful to the relationship they're already in. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Learning about rekindled relationships gives you a scientific and biological explanation to the wondrous relationship you are already experiencing. It is unfortunate that there is someone getting hurt, but that is often the case with love. It's the price we pay for having loved someone. I humbly suggest that you read the last two sentences you wrote and really think about what you are saying... the " the price of getting hurt" is not paid by either the other man/woman or the married person, the price is paid by their spouse. That's what I was saying all along. It seems posters are misinterpreting my words. Unfortunately many MP try to protect their spouse from this hurt and therefore stay married and keep the rekindled relationship a secret. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) That's what I was saying all along. It seems posters are misinterpreting my words. Unfortunately many MP try to protect their spouse from this hurt and therefore stay married and keep the rekindled relationship a secret. So you are speaking for the BS then when you say "we" pay a price? Perhaps you should give her a call and see if she's fine with "paying a price." She probably has no knowledge she's even buying anything. Maybe she would choose to not pay that price and would leave the M. I totally get falling in love all over again and wanting a R with someone from your past. But that someone continuing to lead a double life at the expense of their spouse? Not okay. Edited April 17, 2012 by donnamaybe Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm sorry, but regardless of the pop psychology literature that can be found, there is no "scientific" nor actual reality to the claims that "rekindled" (I wanna barf when I read that word, much less type it) "love" is any more powerful or "magical" than other love. Dude, a person can find some books and "experts" to back up any single thing in the world they'd like to provide with a patina of legitimacy. Including very ugly things. Sure, we all have a soft spot in our hearts when we remember our "first loves." Sometimes our first love can truly have been the "one that got away." More often than not, our first love would not have held up through the twists and turns of life - and in fact DID NOT hold up. That's why we didn't stay together with them in the first place. You are probably aware that almost every single one of us had a "first love," yet few of us have chosen to "rekindle" (:sick:) it, especially when we are married to someone else. If this were the be-all and end-all of love stories, why have the great majority of us moved forward and even been able to make and keep commitments to other loves? There is nothing healthy about clinging onto the past in a barnacle-like fashion as life carries everyone and everything else forward to other places. When there are "victims" of this behavior other than those who insist in living in a fantasy world, that's more than unhealthy - that's bad. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 My understanding is that it can be successful and very intense, AND very legitimate if both parties are divorced and or widowed. Otherwise, it runs the high risk of failure when reduced to an affair, like most affairs. It will carry the same baggage; lack of trust and reality when the relationship is legitimized by marriage. The successful cases are when they meet, but if involved with others, they walk away, hell, they don't even imply a relationship because they RESPECT the other is in a marriage or relationship. If they meet again later, unencumbered, yes, it can be a lasting phenomenon. Having an affair with it, is generally a terrible idea if one wants a long-term permanent relationship as the final outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Such martyrs they are . . . and lazy too. I find it contradictory that BSs expect OW to step back from the EMR so as not to hurt the BS, but do not believe that the WSs may be staying married so as not to hurt the BS. In any case, the MM in the OP of this thread chose to leave his marriage for his rekindled love instead of having an affair, which is praiseworthy in my opinion. I would personally never stay in a marriage to save my spouse from hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 In any case, the MM in the OP of this thread chose to leave his marriage for his rekindled love instead of having an affair, which is praiseworthy in my opinion. I would personally never stay in a marriage to save my spouse from hurt. Members here have felt the same depending on the thread. We had a poster here a while back that had the chance to rekindle with his old love and was in agony over not being able to be with her. He did the right thing according to what most posters in this thread feel by staying faithful to his wife and sticking to his vows. However, on his thread he was slammed with messages to "divorce your wife and set her free so she can find someone who loves her like she deserves to be loved." Some that come here can't win no matter what they post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I find it contradictory that BSs expect OW to step back from the EMR so as not to hurt the BS, but do not believe that the WSs may be staying married so as not to hurt the BS. I'm not a "BS," though I'm not in favor of nurturing extramarital affairs. I don't "expect" a person who is in favor of nurturing them to "step back" so as not to hurt anyone. I'd be surprised if anyone would expect it of them. Obviously, that's not in their mind set. And I also don't think it's in the mind set for a married person who is nurturing an affair to stay married so as not to hurt their spouse. They are married because it suits them to be married to one person and to have an affair with another. Both are in a self - serving situation where what is good for other people is not a serious consideration - or else they would not carry it on. That's my sincere belief. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I find it contradictory that BSs expect OW to step back from the EMR so as not to hurt the BS, but do not believe that the WSs may be staying married so as not to hurt the BS. In any case, the MM in the OP of this thread chose to leave his marriage for his rekindled love instead of having an affair, which is praiseworthy in my opinion. I would personally never stay in a marriage to save my spouse from hurt. Oooh, ooh, ooh, no one should ever stay married to me to spare my feelings. How condescending, patriarchal, self-serving and awfully convenient, don't you think? I do. Leaving the marriage to embark on another relationship is more than praiseworthy. It is the honest, mature and courageous action to take by an adult. It respects both the wife and the woman he claims to want to have a future relationship with. No sneaking, no lying, no complicity, no dual deceit, no guilt, no shame, no selfishness, no self-entitlement. I would wish them well as they have a really, really good shot at a happy future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 That's what I was saying all along. It seems posters are misinterpreting my words. Unfortunately many MP try to protect their spouse from this hurt and therefore stay married and keep the rekindled relationship a secret. think about that... in those words lie the inherent hypocrisy that's present in an affair.... the cheating spouse is so miserable and "trapped" that they have no choice but to have an affair with their new flame and to hide it from their spouse because being honest would hurt their spouse/children/family/dog/potted fern too much? so to avoid hurting them they do something that's going to hurt them...and all to often, they also end up hurting the new person whom they claim to love...they spin lies and deceit all around so at least two others (spouse/other man or woman) get hurt because mr/mrs. Happy Pants can't keep a lid on their hormones? i really think they do this for one of a few reasons: (a) they are cowards (b)they are lazy ©they have some kind of mental heath issue (d)they really don't care much about anyone but themselves (e) they are immature just my thoughts...maybe i am way off 4 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I would wish them well as they have a really, really good shot at a happy future. Me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 I find it contradictory that BSs expect OW to step back from the EMR so as not to hurt the BS, but do not believe that the WSs may be staying married so as not to hurt the BS. This is all kinds of twisted. It's kind of giving me a headache. If a husband or wife really doesn't want to hurt their spouse, of course they won't be having affairs at all. Most would agree with this, I think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 This is all kinds of twisted. It's kind of giving me a headache. If a husband or wife really doesn't want to hurt their spouse, of course they won't be having affairs at all. Most would agree with this, I think. I would! And so would my remorseful, STILL deeply ashamed fWS. It isn't developing feelings for another. Separation was ALWAYS an option. It was lying, deceiving, daily, to act on those feelings, with the one person on the planet who complicitly agreed it was a good thing to do, that nearly destroyed the man, us, his children and his legacy, her heart and mine too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 What people seem to often fervently deny around here is that the path to being in a sexual affair when you are married, or with a married person, has lots of choices to be made along the way. Any of which can turn a person away from that direction, or propel them towards it. A "love affair" has even MORE choices to be made along the way. This "fated love" angle is very silly for grown ups, IMO. We are talking about behavior here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 My advice is if you're married and plan to stay married, don't contact a past love AT ALL unless you are okay with having an affair. After the first contact has been made the emotions are already on fire and it will be next to impossible to stop. You are going to be swept away by a love as strong as the love you experienced in your youth. The above applies only to past loves pulled apart by situational circumstances, not to those who chose in the past to break up from each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 20, 2012 Share Posted April 20, 2012 My advice is if you're married and plan to stay married, don't contact a past love AT ALL unless you are okay with having an affair. After the first contact has been made the emotions are already on fire and it will be next to impossible to stop. You are going to be swept away by a love as strong as the love you experienced in your youth. The above applies only to past loves pulled apart by situational circumstances, not to those who chose in the past to break up from each other. Who decides if it was "pulled apart" versus "chose to break up"...and what difference does that make at all? And I'd remove the "ok with having an affair" part...don't contact them at all unless you're already filed for divorce. Let's just keep it simple, heh? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 Who decides if it was "pulled apart" versus "chose to break up"...and what difference does that make at all? And I'd remove the "ok with having an affair" part...don't contact them at all unless you're already filed for divorce. Let's just keep it simple, heh? i think that the best thing to do would be to do some self examination and find out why you'd ever consider an affair with anyone, first love or otherwise... the fact that it's a "first love" should be irrelevant...if you don't want to cheat, then don't. If you have such little self control that you can't stop yourself, then that's a problem that needs to be looked into. If you have even a half decent sense of boundaries, then the issue should never even come up...you could run into your old flame, even say 'hello" and have a brief chat and walk away with no" should i or shouldn't i get involved with them again" thoughts kind of like how rather than treating a disease, it's better to immunize against it so it never even becomes an issue ( by "you" I meant the general "you"...not you in particular Owl, I don't think this is a problem that you would have:) ) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts