I bet I am not the only one with a husband like this

[tomswife]

I have an almost perfect husband. A good provider, brings me coffee in bed, feeds the kids breakfast before he goes to work every single morning, helps cleaning and cooking, loyal, dependable reliable, puts the kids to bed. Yes, almost a perfect man. But, he has one big problem: He is so out of tune with people and society. His humor is so wierd, e.g if I ask him to keep an eye on the kids he tells me 'oh no I will just let them run to the street'. He sits in the neigbor's swing that is small and designed for 7 years old. That made the neighbors so mad that they left us in their yard without saying goodbye.

 

People hate him because when he talks to them he comes across as arrogant and snobbish. He is so comfortable everywhere, he says what's in his mind and does what he feels like. I have lost a few friends because of him and I am now careful whom I introduce him to. Fortunately, he works a lot and I go out with the kids to see friends without him. Eveytime I invite people to my house I have to warn him and his mouth, it is sad because sometimes he just sits in the corner so quietly because he is afraid to say anything. He doesn't mind arguing in front of people or with people and oh his condescending tone of voice turns everyone off.

The Biggest problem is actually not his words but his his condescending tone of voice. He said it's his voice and he CAN'T change it.

I love this man but how do I deal with this problem. His tone of voice usually gets worse in public when we go out together. Other than this he is a great person, very kind and generous.

I am sure I am not the only one with a husband like this so help me here how to deal with him not abandoning him.

Thanks

[january2011]

My take is that you're lucky to have him. He is a loving husband and father. He holds down a job and supports his family. And from what you say, he's happy being who he is. You married him and continue to be his wife, which suggests that you love him for who he is.

 

Therefore, I'm not sure that you need help in dealing with him. I think it seems more the case that you need help in dealing with other people not liking him and seeing the man that you see.

 

I know that's not particularly helpful but I think that he should be applauded for his individuality rather than having to suppress it when he's pretty much successful in all areas of his life other than with your friends. I don't think he needs to change and I think your sadness in asking him to suppress his behaviour in front of your friends indicates that part of you knows that.

Edited April 15, 2012 by january2011

[anne1707]

My take is that you're lucky to have him. He is a loving husband and father. He holds down a job and supports his family. And from what you say, he's happy being who he is. You married him and continue to be his wife.

 

I'm not sure that you need help in dealing with him. I think it seems more the case that you need help in dealing with other people not liking him and seeing the man that you see.

 

From the OP, I can understand the above. However the poster's name was vaguely familiar so I did a quick search. There is a history of problems including the husband having a 7 year EA which I think he denied was the case even when their MC said it was an affair. Sadly there is a lot more wrong in this marriage than just the tone of voice.

 

The OP needs to decide whether she is really prepared to stay in a marriage that makes her unhappy and does not sound loving (from both sides).

[january2011]

From the OP, I can understand the above. However the poster's name was vaguely familiar so I did a quick search. There is a history of problems including the husband having a 7 year EA which I think he denied was the case even when their MC said it was an affair. Sadly there is a lot more wrong in this marriage than just the tone of voice.

 

The OP needs to decide whether she is really prepared to stay in a marriage that makes her unhappy and does not sound loving (from both sides).

 

Ah okay, thanks anne - I'll retract my previous post as it doesn't apply given this new information.

[tomswife]

From the OP, I can understand the above. However the poster's name was vaguely familiar so I did a quick search. There is a history of problems including the husband having a 7 year EA which I think he denied was the case even when their MC said it was an affair. Sadly there is a lot more wrong in this marriage than just the tone of voice.

 

The OP needs to decide whether she is really prepared to stay in a marriage that makes her unhappy and does not sound loving (from both sides).

The EA which he didn't even know he had is over about 3 years ago, we did counselling and it is all behind us. I AM CONFIDENT that he is HONEST and LOYAL.

[Bellechica]

Maybe the OP's husband has Asperger's?

[tomswife]

Maybe the OP's husband has Asperger's?

I have been wondering about that. Is it treatable?

[Bellechica]

I have two close friends who sons have it. In general they are taught how to interact in social situations. I am not sure how an adult would be taught or if your H would be open. Do some research on Asperger's on the web and see if the description fits your H. Has he always been this way? What about him attracted you to him in the beginning?

[whichwayisup]

His humor is so wierd, e.g if I ask him to keep an eye on the kids he tells me 'oh no I will just let them run to the street'. He sits in the neigbor's swing that is small and designed for 7 years old. That made the neighbors so mad that they left us in their yard without saying goodbye.

 

that's actually a bit funny..

 

Anyway, he could have Asperger's. If he was diagnosed with this, would you still be ashamed of him? not want to bring him around friends or have people over? Or would it be the 'explanation' of his behaviour and your friends would be understanding. ?

[tomswife]

that's actually a bit funny..

 

Anyway, he could have Asperger's. If he was diagnosed with this, would you still be ashamed of him? not want to bring him around friends or have people over? Or would it be the 'explanation' of his behaviour and your friends would be understanding. ?

 

I don't think I will be ashamed but at least I can warn friends about his diagnosis. Isn't that treatable though? Who can properly diagnose this disease psychologist, psychiatrist????

One time we were at the a public building just about to start our charity organization meeting, while waiting for the rest of the members to arrive my husband made himself very comfortable by laying in the middle of the floor LOL.....I laugh now but I was quite embarrassed then.

There were two things he did in the past that I will never ever forget even if I have dementia. Both these things made me want to bang my head on the wall. One time a neighbor's dog pooped on our yard, my husband scooped the poop and threw it at the neighbor's front door (different neighborhood not current) Then one time we were on our motorcycle stopping for red light, he saw a woman throwing her cigarette butt on the street, he picked it up and threw it back into her car. I alsmot fell off the motorcycle. He has come a long way since our marraige. He tries so hard to change and he has changed A LOT, people tell me/him that and I NOTICE it too. He even changes his voice temporarily but a few days later he is back to his own condescending voice.

Edited April 15, 2012 by tomswife

[PlumPrincess]

He either has Aspergers or he is lying. I simply do not believe that he can sound condescending without being so. Maybe he is not aware enough of himself to realize his own state of mind, but I think the voice is something that betrays people's inner attitude.

[PlumPrincess]

There were two things he did in the past that I will never ever forget even if I have dementia. Both these things made me want to bang my head on the wall. One time a neighbor's dog pooped on our yard, my husband scooped the poop and threw it at the neighbor's front door (different neighborhood not current) Then one time we were on our motorcycle stopping for red light, he saw a woman throwing her cigarette butt on the street, he picked it up and threw it back into her car. I alsmot fell off the motorcycle. He has come a long way since our marraige. He tries so hard to change and he has changed A LOT, people tell me/him that and I NOTICE it too. He even changes his voice temporarily but a few days later he is back to his own condescending voice.

Uh, I might have done these two things as well. If the dog had done it repeatedly and the neighbor ignored my complaints, then yes, I might do it to make it clear that I find his attitude unacceptable. And the second thing, well, depending on the mood I was in at that moment, I might do that as well. People litter too much.

[tomswife]

Uh, I might have done these two things as well. If the dog had done it repeatedly and the neighbor ignored my complaints, then yes, I might do it to make it clear that I find his attitude unacceptable. And the second thing, well, depending on the mood I was in at that moment, I might do that as well. People litter too much.

 

Plum princess, pm me where you live we will buy a house next to yours hahaha.

[stillwater]

If you've ever heard of the radio show This American Life, they just recently did a segment about a couple where the husband had Aspergers. The short version is that he was basically able to teach himself how to act in certain situations, with some hiccups along the way.

 

You can listen to it online here, it's Act Two and there's also a link to the quiz the wife gave her husband that made her suspect Aspergers: Play the Part | This American Life

[anne1707]

The EA which he didn't even know he had is over about 3 years ago, we did counselling and it is all behind us. I AM CONFIDENT that he is HONEST and LOYAL.

 

I am glad to hear that. I was just trying to help clarify a situation which I did not see as being your fault

 

As for your H - do you think he would listen to you if you suggested Asperger's? Is there anybody else who knows you both who could help you decide whether this is a possible reason for his behaviour so that it is not all coming from you (and to provide support to you as you try to approach this subject)?

[Bellechica]

Your H sounds funny actually. At least your life isn't boring! I'm not sure who would diagnose Asperger's in an adult. Your friends might be more tolerant of him if he had a diagnosis but they should except his quirkiness. As far as treatment, I believe it's learning how to behave in certain situations. He should not have to just be quiet and afraid to speak.

Again, what about him attracted you to him when you met?

[standtall]

tomswife..your husband sounds a little like myself...the condescending arrogance. Try getting him into a Dale Carnegie course...it was worth every penny.

[tomswife]

tomswife..your husband sounds a little like myself...the condescending arrogance. Try getting him into a Dale Carnegie course...it was worth every penny.

 

I will try the course, is it online. He is eager to change but I have smart and not suggest that he has something he he is not proud of. If he is not condescending he is the greatest husband one can ever hope for!

[carhill]

help me here how to deal with him not abandoning him

 

Well, based on my readings of a few threads here of late, a man with no filters who gives the 'straight shot' is pretty valued here on LS. I say get him an account and let him loose on all the straight shooters on LS. Fun

 

I'll second a thorough medical evaluation. 'No filters' can very well be organic. The mind is one big electro-chemical machine.

[findingnemo]

Tomswife, I have a "friend" who is just like your H. He says the darnest things and can be downright cruel at times. The thing is ...he tells it like it is. So it's difficult to fault him. He also has a superiority complex that can be annoying. What I like about him is that what you see is what you get. His W is adorable and they've lost a great number of friends because of his behaviour. The silver lining is that those of us who choose to remain their friends have allowed him to be himself. I can't imagine him any other way. The parties we go to would become quite boring and ordinary.

[standtall]

Tomswife..it is several week long, in person class, typically with 40-60 people. What I needed, and what your husband sounds like he can use, can only be done in person. It has a reputation as a public speaking and sales class, but nothing could be farther from the truth. It is based on a book written 100 yrs ago by a mousy man who had some major self confidence issues. It basically helps you understand other people and their perception of you......How to win friends and influence people..Dale Carnagie.

Edited April 16, 2012 by standtall

[Radu]

The book is simply amazing, i'm looking for a class myself.

 

I highly recommend it.

[HHC]

I have an almost perfect husband. A good provider, brings me coffee in bed, feeds the kids breakfast before he goes to work every single morning, helps cleaning and cooking, loyal, dependable reliable, puts the kids to bed.

My husband to a tee

 

But my husband deals with social interactions very well and everyone loves him.

 

 

Love your husband for what he is. He loves you and his family. How he interacts outside the house shouldn't matter to you when it comes what you two have

[tomswife]

Tomswife, I have a "friend" who is just like your H. He says the darnest things and can be downright cruel at times. The thing is ...he tells it like it is. So it's difficult to fault him.

That's my husband:o

[Ninja'sHusband]

It sounds like he has anger issues to me. All of these things you describe are done in retaliation to something. He resents being told to watch after the kids, so he makes a sarcastic remark (I've been known to do something similar if I feel untrusted), the other examples you gave are all more clearly retaliatory...except the swing one. I don't get that one.

 

Lying in the middle of the floor sounds like a demonstration of impatience.

 

The tone of voice sounds like anger to me too. He's sounds like he's in this constant state of resentment. There's probably some disorder you could name it with, but I'm not an expert.

 

My father can get pretty snarky too. He doesn't know when to can it, and can be embarrassing sometimes. I dunno, I just tolerate it most of the time. Nothing else to do. I choose my fights carefully if I want to stand up to some particular thing (like racist comments around my daughter )