Over-reacting? Jealous over boyfriend being friends with ex-girlfriends

[supergirl79]

Hi - I'm hoping that you can help with my jealousy and/or dilemmas. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months, the first 4 month were complete bliss and then he moved in. After that, things have been timultuous and rocky - but we stuck it out. We're still together, still living together, but I travel a lot. I got back from a trip a couple weeks ago and he "out of the blue" emailed his ex-girlfriend basically to say he'd been wondering what she has been up to and that he was feeling "nostaligic". Unfortunately, I had a feeling he'd been unfaithful so I obtained this email message by breaking into his email account (I guess his password). I'm not sure if what I read is innocent or something more. He hasn't spoken to her in probably a year and then all of a sudden, when I'm out of town and we're having problems, he emails her. Of course she emailed back, telling him he's never been far from her thoughts. Well, to me this communication doesn't sound innocent. I confronted him with this, he admitted the email was a bit flirty, but still innocent. He told me that he didn't even reply to her email, but I couldn't help but wonder. So, I looked in his cell phone and all of sudden her phone number is in there and i know for a fact it wasn't before! We are in love and talking about getting married and we've been through so much already! I know trust is a big thing and I feel like I can't trust him so it's driving me crazy!

 

So, I'm not sure if I"m over-reacting - but most of my jealousy and neurotic behavior is triggered from my last boyfriend of 3 years, who ended up cheating on me and i had no idea until he told me. I think in this case, I'm trying to prevent the situations from happening rather than just accepting that he wants to be friends with his ex's (there's another ex too that he keeps in contact with secretly). He keeps them secret because he knows I'll get mad, but he continues to talk to them - which I do not understand.

 

I'm asking for some advice on how to handle this. I haven't confronted him yet with the fact that I know he's talking to the latest ex, because of the fact I already admitted i was snooping through his email, I don't want him to think I'm crazy for snooping through his cell phone too. Do I say anything? Do you suggest maybe I talk to him about her? Maybe suggest we could all hang out so I can meet her? I figure if she's going to be friend with him, she needs to be friends with me. I do no understand friends with ex's because I do not have an ex that i"m friends with. Please help me understand why he needs to talk to his ex-girlfriends and even when I ask him not to, he continues to do so behind my back. I think while I was out of town on a trip, he met up with her - although I can't prove that. What should I do?

[StartingAgain]

I posted soemthing similar in another post. Let me tell you what my marriage therapist said to my wife when she told my wife that she must end all contact with her lover forever. My wife was having an affair that she claimed to have ended (she was lying), but wanted to keep this guy as a friend, because they had been friends for years. The therapist said: "What!?! He's your friend? No he isn't! He's your lover and you need to quit deluding yourself. You are a married woman; you *connot* have a lover. You must end all contact with this man immediately, you must do it in front of your husband, and you must allow him to check up on you to make sure you are having no contact. You blew it when you crossed the line of friendship and took this man as a lover. You can never be friends again while you are married."

 

the two of you aren't married, but you are living together and contemplating marriage. It's one thing to decide that a former girlfriend is still someone you'd like to keep as a friend. But the correct course of action there would be to discuss this with you FIRST and get your OK. Then he would have to let you see all communications between the two of them. NO SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNTS. He could not see her alone, but only as a friend to the both of you. If she doesn't care to be your friend as well, then she can't be his either.

 

I'm bothered that he contacted this woman while you were out of town and during a time when the two of you were having problems. It's worse that they are being flirty. Worst is that you've asked him not to do this and he continues to do it in secret.

 

Take from me. He's still carrying a flame for this woman (you metion she's not the only one). He certainly doesn't sound like he's ready to be getting married. My ex and her "friend" had been lovers years ago. When we ran into problems, she ran straight to him and they became lovers again.

 

You say that you can't trust him. You know what? If this is the way you feel, you cannot marry this man. *Cannot*. Don't even consider it.

[Sarah41618]

I was reading archives of posts about jealousy because I seem to have a horrible issue with it as well. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months and I love him more than anything.

 

The day I met him, I told my best friend that I felt like I was supposed to marry him, and I sincerely meant it. We talk about forever, not as a "what if" but as a "when"...MY problem is, he had a girlfriend before me for about 4 months. They had been broken up for 6-7 months when we met, but she still came around (im in college, she has the same circle of friends that he does). She has always been weird to me, mean on some occasions, just ackward on others.

 

I am absolutely obsessed with her. Every time I hear her NAME it makes me sick. They dont talk anymore except on occasion, just a "hi how are you", she is deleted out of his phone, everything. I dont know what's wrong with me, I feel crazy. She is in my dreams on a regular basis, and I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach. We never fight EXCEPT if its about her....She has a baby from a relationship before him, never had sex with my boyfriend because she was a "born-again-virgin"...and he had a picture of the baby that I had found, in a pile of stuff in a drawer. the horrible part is, I HATED THE BABY. And I LOVE children. i want to be a mom, i love all babies...I feel insane, and so guilty, I dont know how to make these feelings go away....I trust him, I have no doubt in my mind that he would never, EVER cheat on me, but he gets SO frustrated with me for worrying about it.

 

Every once in a while I will feel so insecure that I say something, and he is to the point that he is sick of talking about it. I have snooped around on his computer, the whole deal, and he doesnt even really get MAD at me, just so frustrated because he says he doesnt understand what I think he is doing wrong. He shows me he loves me every day, and has tried so many times to make me realize its not a big deal, but I think there is something wrong with me, I am so jealous If anyone could share how they got over their jealousy or at least HELPED it, I would appreciate it....All i can do now is just pray about it and try and stop.

[eden]

you know if you are with him and he is with you and if he really loves you he will not be "wondering" about an ex, he wants to cheat on you he wants his ex. if it wasnt serious he wouldve told you about it. what i would do is contact her myself and the rest i cant say, but thats just me, just tell him, we are both adults if you want her or someone else or if your not happy just be man enough to tell me, i can handle it im a big girl, i can take care of myself and i can move on if i need to, dont argue, just be straight to the point and KEEP CHECKING HIS EMAILS.

[supergirl79]

I do appreciate the advice from those who replied. I haven't made much progress and am still in the denial stage. We have discussed the phone thing and he said that the number in his phone was from a different girls' with the same name as his ex and the number is not the ex-girlfriend, which I do not believe. He says he hasn't emailed or called her back and was mad at me for looking through his things, but I just had to know! He said I'm turning into a crazy girlfriend and that he's going to start password protecting everything (even though email is, but he'd change that password) and my rebuttal was, what does he have to hide? He said nothing, but it's none of my business who he's talking to and waht he's doing. A lot of times when he goes out with his friends, I'll just ask basic questions like what did he do, who was he hanging out with, etc - he feels those are nosy. Mostly they're just conversation pieces, I really do not ask them to dig into what he was up to but rather to just get him to talk about something.

 

I certainly have trust issues, which is evident by my postings and I have some control issues as well, but I told him it's really easy to make someone feel confortable by not hiding things. Now he lies about things like what he did that day, just to make it sound like he did something other than play video games or sleept (which he does a lot of!). And, on top of everything, he wonders why I'm insecure but he's been very distant lately - like never wanting to hang out (other than just being mad at me for looking through his stuff) or have dinner with me. He says he sees me every day, but that entails us just being in the same house in different rooms. To me, that is not quality time! In the beginning of our relationship, I tried to control him a lot - by trying to conform his ideals to mine, which I know now is wrong - but I've changed that he'll never let it go! Even if I ask him to do the simplest things like mow the grass - he freaks out and tells me that i"m trying to control him. Basically he's just using that now since I feel bad about trying to control him before.

 

Right now it's really hard to trust him and he says that i need to, but all he wants to do is be alone! His viewpoint is "he's going to what he wants to do when he wants to do it" despite me asking him to do something with me, which ends up being playing a video game most of the time. I'm just really hurt and confused as to why he doesn't want to be with me, which makes me sad, and then I cry - then he just gets mad at me for crying. The whole situation is annoying, but we live together and have come this far - I'm just not sure if we're at the point of no return? I'll try not to be naive, but I need to not be SO snoopy either - and frankly, I'm driving myself crazy (literally!) over this whole thing.

[anneanne]

I just posted my first topic on this website. Afterwards I looked through some others and saw yours. I realized it was a similar situation to mine. Can I ask how you went about telling him you got into his email? Did he freak out? IT seems like when someone continues a relationship with an ex or any member of the opposite sex its like they are doing it just incase something bad happens in the current relationship. Or maybe that it is that they are looking for something better. I remember the one time I was in a relationship where I cheated on someone it was because I was fooling myself about being in love with him. Everytime we went out I was always looking for someone better and I kept in close contact with a few of my male college friends/flings. Now that I am 100% in love with someone & would never dream of cheating on him I see these traits in him! Especially with the girl that I am talking about in the email I posted. Let me know waht you think.

Anne

[supergirl79]

anneanne,

 

I just posted to yours - let me know if you would like additional advice.

[undecided]

your relationship is in trouble. i dont think he can be trusted.