I think I blew it with an amazing woman but can I still salvage it?

[jazzlover81]

Hi,

 

I am going through a dilemma with a girl that I guess I have blown up with and would appreciate some advice.

 

I am an Indian, 31 and met this girl who is 27 about 4 years ago in a work-related situation. We hung out for a few times and discovered a lot of common interests and enjoyed each other's company. She then moved to the US for her studies and we kept in touch over the Internet. Over time, attraction developed to the extent that we were talking everyday, all the time over chat and Skype. We then decided to hook up when she was visiting India and see where it would go. I too was planning to join a business school in the US next year so there was a future that we could see to this. We had planned that we would commit to each other during her India visit and then have a long distance relationship for a few months after which I would move to the US or Europe and she would join me. But unfortunately, her visit to India kept getting delayed because of H1B visa related trouble and that made us frustrated about not being able to meet. We started to compensate for those bouts of frustration by overplanning our relationship. To the extent of talking about marriage, telling our parents, etc.

 

Finally, she arrived here for a couple of months. We met the very next day after she arrived and then problem started. We felt absolutely platonic... no sparks in each other's presence at all. I was myself feeling a bit weird and didn't exactly flirt with her. Women, having the strong radars that they do, sensed the lack of chemistry and quizzed me about it next day. We talked it over and concluded that we had been in the 'friend zone' for too long (over four years) and that getting to see each other as lovers must be proving hard. We continued meeting every 3-4 days and the awkwardness started to go away and some sparks started to happen. Just when I thought I would make a move (kiss her) on the next date, she got drawn into family commitments here including a long-planned vacation with her parents. Over a week passed by and we didn't meet, although we spoke on phone almost every late night (she would call).

 

When she returned, it was time to meet, but more family commitments happened and instead of the long hours we had planned spending together, all we were doing was meeting for half hour for coffee while she was in between things. I finally got frustrated and asked her if she was serious about this, and that since she was here for a short period, we had to make proper time to meet. She swore that she was serious about us but that her family was expecting her to be around them a lot. When we met finally that the evening, she asked me if we would be able to manage a long distance relationship well if we were freaking out so easily. I too started having doubts about my ability to feel secure so I didn't close that discussion conclusively.

 

At the same time, her employer back in the US started giving her trouble, expecting her to end the vacation sooner than planned and then come back and join work.

 

The next couple of dates between us were awkward again. I was feeling too much self-doubt to make a move on her while she was getting frustrated at my not making a move and the "window of opportunity of attraction" was fast passing by.

 

Eventually, I started sensing that she was losing patience and interest, even though she was meeting me. We would meet, she would be sweet to me at first and then after about 20 to 30 minutes force us to rush into dinner and then leave. All this while I was in self-doubt about whether I would be able to handle a long-distance relationship.

 

Then finally it struck me, that I was dwelling too much over my phobia while she was making so many efforts to give me chances. Also, she was an amazing woman that I had been feeling strongly about and this was too good to let go because of my insecurities. I then decided to make a move the next time we met.

 

We met last week and starting the moment we met, she told me that her employer in the US had got fed up by her absence and fired her from her current role and put her into a one that she didn't exactly like. She first talked a lot about how she needed to be back in the US as soon as possible and either negotiate her job back or get a new one. I was calming her down.

 

She then started hinting that she would be busy from here onwards with her job search and we wouldn't be talking and meeting so often. But she also said that she wanted to continue the possibility of a relationship and perhaps hang out again later in the year to see if it goes somewhere. I agreed. The moment seemed very wrong to make my move, given how anxious she was.

 

We then went back to the car and that was where something came over me and I decided to so the silliest and the wussiest thing ever. I told her how much she meant to me and that I didn't want to end this, hoping it'd create an environment conducive to kissing which obviously didn't happen as she started getting even more buckled up. I then moved forward and kissed her, even as she was completely stiff. I realised the big * * * * up that had happened and retreated.

 

I managed the ease the situation by making us laugh about it. She said that she had been waiting for me to make a move since quite some time, but this was very ill-timed. As we drive back, she also started going on and on about how she hadn't felt any physical chemistry with me since she had come. I told her that I was holding back because of my long-distance phobia. I dropped her home feeling like a loser, when she gave me a nice keychain with my name written on it that she had got made for me. I started for my house. As I drove, she mistakenly texted me something that was meant for a girlfriend of hers. It said, "he kissed me. its a no".

 

She must have realised her mistake because she immediately called back apologising profusely about how this was normal girl talk about details of each others' sexual experiences and it didn't mean a "no" for me, just a no for the kiss. She apologised for a full 20 minutes and then we hung up.

 

Since that day about 3-4 days ago, she hasn't called me or texted. She had planned to meet me yesterday, but she didn't call and was instead meeting her girlfriend in another part of town, as per her Facebook status.

 

I too haven't called as I don't want to appear wussier and needier as I have already managed to.

 

But the suspense is killing me. I really want to be with this girl and repair it, whatever it takes. I know that we will have to meet before she leaves back for the US because we had promised each other closure no matter what happened, besides some stuff belonging to her is lying at my house which she'd want back.

 

Looking back, I think I have given myself less credit than I deserved. I don't think my long-distance phobia was so much the reason for my not making a move during the "window of opportunity" as was her disappearance due to family vacation, which took things into a limbo. I should not have given her the impression that I had personal issues, but should have politely told her that she should have been more proactive in making our dates happen. Overall, I went weak and showed myself as a wuss.

 

But right now if I went into those explanations, it would be the umpteenth time that we analyse and dissect this and grow even more bitter.

 

Here are my questions,

 

1. What did that text "he kissed me. its a no" mean?

 

2. Have I blown it completely? Is is irretrievable?

 

3. I am resolving to give her some space from this and not call her at least for another week. What else should I do / not do from here onwards?

 

4. In case I do meet her, can I do anything to dewussify myself?

 

5. Even if nothing happens, I want to stay friends with her and respectably so, not labelled as a "brother-like" wuss. Could this happen?

 

Awaiting some nuggets of wisdom.

[nhs14324]

i dont see any reason for u to worry....you have to openly talk to her and discuss you cant just be scared.....it wont work out on its own u have to work towards it.....and be positive...have hope....i messed up way to bad but all i am doing is hoping he comes back to me...just trusting my love ..............u do the same

[Melbufama]

Hi,

 

I am going through a dilemma with a girl that I guess I have blown up with and would appreciate some advice.

 

I am an Indian, 31 and met this girl who is 27 about 4 years ago in a work-related situation. We hung out for a few times and discovered a lot of common interests and enjoyed each other's company. She then moved to the US for her studies and we kept in touch over the Internet. Over time, attraction developed to the extent that we were talking everyday, all the time over chat and Skype. We then decided to hook up when she was visiting India and see where it would go. I too was planning to join a business school in the US next year so there was a future that we could see to this. We had planned that we would commit to each other during her India visit and then have a long distance relationship for a few months after which I would move to the US or Europe and she would join me. But unfortunately, her visit to India kept getting delayed because of H1B visa related trouble and that made us frustrated about not being able to meet. We started to compensate for those bouts of frustration by overplanning our relationship. To the extent of talking about marriage, telling our parents, etc.

 

Finally, she arrived here for a couple of months. We met the very next day after she arrived and then problem started. We felt absolutely platonic... no sparks in each other's presence at all. I was myself feeling a bit weird and didn't exactly flirt with her. Women, having the strong radars that they do, sensed the lack of chemistry and quizzed me about it next day. We talked it over and concluded that we had been in the 'friend zone' for too long (over four years) and that getting to see each other as lovers must be proving hard. We continued meeting every 3-4 days and the awkwardness started to go away and some sparks started to happen. Just when I thought I would make a move (kiss her) on the next date, she got drawn into family commitments here including a long-planned vacation with her parents. Over a week passed by and we didn't meet, although we spoke on phone almost every late night (she would call).

 

When she returned, it was time to meet, but more family commitments happened and instead of the long hours we had planned spending together, all we were doing was meeting for half hour for coffee while she was in between things. I finally got frustrated and asked her if she was serious about this, and that since she was here for a short period, we had to make proper time to meet. She swore that she was serious about us but that her family was expecting her to be around them a lot. When we met finally that the evening, she asked me if we would be able to manage a long distance relationship well if we were freaking out so easily. I too started having doubts about my ability to feel secure so I didn't close that discussion conclusively.

 

At the same time, her employer back in the US started giving her trouble, expecting her to end the vacation sooner than planned and then come back and join work.

 

The next couple of dates between us were awkward again. I was feeling too much self-doubt to make a move on her while she was getting frustrated at my not making a move and the "window of opportunity of attraction" was fast passing by.

 

Eventually, I started sensing that she was losing patience and interest, even though she was meeting me. We would meet, she would be sweet to me at first and then after about 20 to 30 minutes force us to rush into dinner and then leave. All this while I was in self-doubt about whether I would be able to handle a long-distance relationship.

 

Then finally it struck me, that I was dwelling too much over my phobia while she was making so many efforts to give me chances. Also, she was an amazing woman that I had been feeling strongly about and this was too good to let go because of my insecurities. I then decided to make a move the next time we met.

 

We met last week and starting the moment we met, she told me that her employer in the US had got fed up by her absence and fired her from her current role and put her into a one that she didn't exactly like. She first talked a lot about how she needed to be back in the US as soon as possible and either negotiate her job back or get a new one. I was calming her down.

 

She then started hinting that she would be busy from here onwards with her job search and we wouldn't be talking and meeting so often. But she also said that she wanted to continue the possibility of a relationship and perhaps hang out again later in the year to see if it goes somewhere. I agreed. The moment seemed very wrong to make my move, given how anxious she was.

 

We then went back to the car and that was where something came over me and I decided to so the silliest and the wussiest thing ever. I told her how much she meant to me and that I didn't want to end this, hoping it'd create an environment conducive to kissing which obviously didn't happen as she started getting even more buckled up. I then moved forward and kissed her, even as she was completely stiff. I realised the big * * * * up that had happened and retreated.

 

I managed the ease the situation by making us laugh about it. She said that she had been waiting for me to make a move since quite some time, but this was very ill-timed. As we drive back, she also started going on and on about how she hadn't felt any physical chemistry with me since she had come. I told her that I was holding back because of my long-distance phobia. I dropped her home feeling like a loser, when she gave me a nice keychain with my name written on it that she had got made for me. I started for my house. As I drove, she mistakenly texted me something that was meant for a girlfriend of hers. It said, "he kissed me. its a no".

 

She must have realised her mistake because she immediately called back apologising profusely about how this was normal girl talk about details of each others' sexual experiences and it didn't mean a "no" for me, just a no for the kiss. She apologised for a full 20 minutes and then we hung up.

 

Since that day about 3-4 days ago, she hasn't called me or texted. She had planned to meet me yesterday, but she didn't call and was instead meeting her girlfriend in another part of town, as per her Facebook status.

 

I too haven't called as I don't want to appear wussier and needier as I have already managed to.

 

But the suspense is killing me. I really want to be with this girl and repair it, whatever it takes. I know that we will have to meet before she leaves back for the US because we had promised each other closure no matter what happened, besides some stuff belonging to her is lying at my house which she'd want back.

 

Looking back, I think I have given myself less credit than I deserved. I don't think my long-distance phobia was so much the reason for my not making a move during the "window of opportunity" as was her disappearance due to family vacation, which took things into a limbo. I should not have given her the impression that I had personal issues, but should have politely told her that she should have been more proactive in making our dates happen. Overall, I went weak and showed myself as a wuss.

 

But right now if I went into those explanations, it would be the umpteenth time that we analyse and dissect this and grow even more bitter.

 

Here are my questions,

 

1. What did that text "he kissed me. its a no" mean?

 

2. Have I blown it completely? Is is irretrievable?

 

3. I am resolving to give her some space from this and not call her at least for another week. What else should I do / not do from here onwards?

 

4. In case I do meet her, can I do anything to dewussify myself?

 

5. Even if nothing happens, I want to stay friends with her and respectably so, not labelled as a "brother-like" wuss. Could this happen?

 

Awaiting some nuggets of wisdom.

 

Your problem was you talked about the nature of the relationship so much and there was so much anticipation it literally created a awkward tension. Dating suppose to be fluid and natural. Also the fact you two talk almost every day sort of ruins the mystery of each other. Also you were way too tense probably on that date, you wanted something to happen physically, and she felt it and became uncomfortable.

 

1 its a no means, means no " i dont see him as the relationship type, or no we did not hook up or didnt want too"

 

2. you didnt blow it simply didnt work out. You did what had too, you two can just be great friends. If you can put your feeling aside.

 

3. Give her space, and talk much less and focus on other things, and building other friends ships and relationships.

 

4. I would say not talk about, and just laugh at yourself, and joke about your failure if you want too.

 

5. U wont be a wuss so long as your not waiting for her to give you a chance, date other women.