Happy Being The Other Woman

[reservoirdog1]

Boy, I just love it when I hear a cheater say that they "never meant to hurt their husband/wife."

 

They all knew what the result of their betrayal would be. There wasn't any secret to it or anything unclear. They knew they were going to hurt their husband/wife. Yet they did it anyway.

 

In law, there's a presumption that, if you do something and its result is objectively forseeable as certain, that's the same as intending it.

 

That may be simplifying things a bit. But face it; either you wanted to hurt him, or you were too selfish to give a damn about him. The same goes for your MM.

 

Enjoy your "happiness". You two deserve each other.

[Mr Spock]

I agree. I think if you want to cheat on your spouse you should do the honest thing and split from them. I personally feel if a person has to look outside the relationship for anything then it's pretty much over. Can you fix the prior problems to the cheating? Yes, but it's too late......

 

That's just my opinion. I know now that I would most definetly break things off before cheating.

[kiababy]

Hi Therresa, I had a huge breakthrough today Remember when you mentioned that some of my behaviour might be due to things that happened in my childhood? Well, Enigma posted a link that may have changed my life. Please go to it on my thread titled "Love Addiction". I read and reread the symptoms on the list over and over until I started to cry. I think almost every one of them apply to me.

 

And you'll be happy to know that Nubianangel read it too and recognized some of the things. I think it will help her too. When I first started posting I thought I was the happiest woman in the world too. But as I started to dig down deeper and learn more about the motives for my actions (thanks to people like yourself who write that one or two sentences that make that lightbulb go off).....the more I realized that the 'happiness' is not real. It's just an old bandaid I can't bear to rip off because a) it will hurt a hell of a lot; and b) I don't want to see the mess underneath!!!!!

 

Spock - please please please go to the "Love Addiction" link!!!!!!!!!

[Mr Spock]

You know, I don't really identify with most of the things stated. I don't have abandonment issues. I don't feel that I need a partner to be complete. I may have an "insatiable" sexual appetite but that is because I'm what you call "horny". Well who isn't. I like sex. Feeling detached from my family-well I'm not sure but I DO live far away-I'm not frantic, I KNOW sex does not equal love-it's just that after 6 months I happened to just develop STRONG feelings. Not even from the sex, but from the regular emailing. We even went on a road trip to another town together (his idea) and when his wife went out of town he made plans for an entire evening....

 

I don't think I have a love addiction. I think that I foolishly placed my feelings on someone who does not deserve or reciprocate them.

[shortbus74]

Supermom.. they are not another womens prize.....they are the other womens "sloppy seconds"................................

 

 

Kennedy... why waste your breath? the women here with the "sloppy seconds" KNOW they are in love... regardless of what you say..........

 

Personally it is a complete disregard to the ideal of marriage for the cheater and cheatie.............and we wonder why this world is AFU!

Control and respect!

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by shortbus74

Supermom.. they are not another womens prize.....they are the other womens "sloppy seconds"................................

 

 

Kennedy... why waste your breath? the women here with the "sloppy seconds" KNOW they are in love... regardless of what you say..........

 

Personally it is a complete disregard to the ideal of marriage for the cheater and cheatie.............and we wonder why this world is AFU!

Control and respect!

 

Shortbus (why that name?)

 

Do not demean the depth of my feelings. To me they are very real, as is my hurt.

[Nubianangel]

And you'll be happy to know that Nubianangel read it too and recognized some of the things. I think it will help her too.

 

Hi Kiababy! I appreciate your concern but I've known for a long time that the choices I've made regarding men and relationships had a lot to do with the relationship me and my dad had. It was an epiphany I had years ago. I recognized it, I denied it and eventually I accepted it. Someday, I will work through it but that day hasn't come yet. I'm happy for the progress you've made ONLY because you are unhappy. Hope it gets better for you.

 

Therresa, stop with Nubian Angel. You both can sit there and analyze each other to death, but it gets hard to read. Maybe she's fooling herself, but maybe you are too.

 

You can say that you are over your rage at your husband's OW, and maybe you are-but you're here mostly to hurt, not to help, and you've admitted as much through your posts. On this forum, anyways. To me, that indicates some really really big feelings that have yet to surface. So it's good that you're here, for people to help you should you ever feel you need it.

 

Mr. Spock, thanks for the support. I, too, suspect her reasons for being here is not to help but to beat the OW over the head until they lean towards her way of thinking.

 

Kennedy... why waste your breath? the women here with the "sloppy seconds" KNOW they are in love... regardless of what you say..........

 

Personally it is a complete disregard to the ideal of marriage for the cheater and cheatie.............and we wonder why this world is AFU!

Control and respect!

 

Cheaters are the reason the WORLD is AFU?!?:laugh:I suppose the fact that we have racism, war, famine, global warming, pollution, poverty, corruption and new diseases/viruses cropping up every month has nothing to do with our FU world??? Nahhh, can't be...it's the cheaters fault.

 

Oh and by the way, I may get his girlfriends seconds but there's nothing sloppy about it.

[Mr Spock]

I do envy the way you are able to keep your emotions separate NubianAngel-I really, really hope for your sake that it works out well for you. I do not think what both are sharing is fair to his wife however-she should be able to make decisions too. Why should she be stuck with a man that strays from their marriage? See I myself feel guilt (with a dash of anger and hurt mixed in) over my MM-I do have feelings for him but I also know that our affair was wrong for the sole reason of his wife not deserving that. Knowing that the info would crush her does not make me want him any less at this point. Horrible of me....

[Debster]

Mr Spock,

Don't envy Nubianangel for being able to separate her emotions from what she is doing. IMO, it is the fact that we feel emotions that make us human and help define who we are. The fact that you are feeling guilty and bad about what you are doing IS human. The fact that you are also torn between doing what you think is right and what you feel your heart wants, IS human. I just hope that soon you will find the strength to realize that you are getting the bad end of the deal here and decide that you deserve more.

 

kiababy,

I am so happy you had the breakthrough! I wish many more breakthroughs for you.

[Mr Spock]

Thanks Debster. Ever since he initiated contact again I've been feeling AWFUL.

[Mr Spock]

LOL I'm REALLY feeling awful!!! I just went through some posts and thought-would it hurt to send him a little wee email asking him how he's doing? Haven't heard back from him since Monday when I replied stating I didn't think I could be friends with him. It's so hard!! I thought I was getting over this and it's like I just went all the way back to square one. Damn him for not allowing me a clean break. I feel terrible right now and I'm not sure why. It's because I'm waiting for contact, AGAIN. Checking my email hopefully all the time. Awful.

[Nubianangel]

Don't envy Nubianangel for being able to separate her emotions from what she is doing. IMO, it is the fact that we feel emotions that make us human and help define who we are. The fact that you are feeling guilty and bad about what you are doing IS human. The fact that you are also torn between doing what you think is right and what you feel your heart wants, IS human.

 

Debster,

What am I a robot?:laugh:Whether or not I am exhibiting 'human' qualities is not the issue here. It's called being REALISTIC. I've been seeing this man who IS NOT married or engaged but taken for over a year now. In the beginning, I ran with my emotions, I wore my heart on my sleeve but each day he left for home reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I stopped crying, stepped back and accessed the situation. I came to terms with the fact that what I wanted was not being offered at that time. Much has changed since then and we are both on the same level now. No, he hasn't left his girlfriend yet. Will he? Maybe, maybe not. I really don't dwell on it--he's not someone I'd want to call my own anyhow. The irony is I love him but I know he's not able to be trusted.

 

I do not think what both are sharing is fair to his wife however-she should be able to make decisions too. Why should she be stuck with a man that strays from their marriage? See I myself feel guilt (with a dash of anger and hurt mixed in) over my MM-I do have feelings for him but I also know that our affair was wrong for the sole reason of his wife not deserving that.

 

Mr. Spock, you're right it's not fair and she should be able to make decisions. In my case, she chose not to. She suspected we had something going on because we work together and she found my home number and work extension in his cell. She also found out that we take lunch together every day and drinks after work. Her course of action? Prank calling my phone at work all day! To leave him didn't cross her mind. Her focus is me and she's made it her mission to silently stalk me. Whatever guilt I did feel regarding her is now a thing of the past. Harsh, but true.

[Mr Spock]

Sometimes I still wonder if it would be better if she knew. Alot of people disagree with that, but some think she should. My general consensus is that since she has done no harm to me, why should she hurt. But now that he's started in with the emails again one of my friends is leaning towards exposure, simply because she feels that he's being controlling

 

But there are so many other factors

 

And sorry, I had forgotten she was aware of the affair.

[Nubianangel]

Mr. Spock, My heart goes out to you. Your words convey such sadness, confusion and anger. You have to make a decision and stop waiting for him to make it for you. You can either run like hell or build some 'type' of friendship. You've chosen to remain stagnant, which I might add is a decision you're unconsciously making, but you'll continue to drown in confusion, anger and depression. I may have chosen to be the OW but I will not wave the 'stay strong OW flag' for the sake of comradeship. So I say this to you, if it hurts Mr. Spock, end it, grieve and move on.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Spock…you write:

 

I don't think I have a love addiction. I think that I foolishly placed my feelings on someone who does not deserve or reciprocate them.

 

And then you write:

 

It's so hard!! I thought I was getting over this and it's like I just went all the way back to square one. Damn him for not allowing me a clean break. I feel terrible right now and I'm not sure why. It's because I'm waiting for contact, AGAIN. Checking my email hopefully all the time. Awful.

 

Are you able to see the correlation? ...You say you are not happy and want to end this relationship. Yet, like a smoker who his trying to quit…you can't put it down. Just one more phone call, just one more email…just one more fix.

 

The relationship is toxic, he's BAD for you, your health and emotional well-being is already compromised. Yet you can't put him down…you can't walk away. This is not "love" Spock, real love doesn't feel this way. What you have is an addiction to this man.

 

Like any other addiction, it will be impossible to "wean" yourself from him. It will only prolong the agony, only to end eventually one way or another. Either way, you'll have to endure the pain. The longer you wait, the harder it will become. Unfortunately, they haven't invented "the patch" for relationship withdrawal. You'll have to go it "cold turkey" or remained hopelessly hooked on the endorphins you are feeding through all this drama.

 

I have gone back and read the posts from all three of you ladies. And there seems to be one commonality between you…please correct me if I'm wrong. But what I gather is that none of you have ever been in a "good" relationship…or seen an example of a healthy relationship between your parents as you were growing up. Unfortunately, if you've never been given a good example of how "healthy" relationships function…you wouldn't be able to recognize one even if it bit you on the ayas.

 

Even if you were lucky enough to fall into one accidentally, it wouldn't feel "natural" or "comfortable" to you. Having never acquired to skills to function normally within a non-dysfunctional relationship…you would probably end up subconsciously sabotaging it…or even purposely running away from it. It would scare the h*ll out of you.

 

You see, this goes much deeper than just your current situations with your MM. If you truly want to make positive changes in your life, and break the endless cycles you've been stuck in, then you need to go waaaay back to the beginning and examine "how" and "why" your thought processes evolved the way they did. Then you have to work on changing it. AND ITS GONNA HURT…like purging…when are confronted by the truths. But it is a very necessary process if you are to grow, mature and evolve beyond that injured child that you still are inside.

 

It's strange…and I mean no insult by this whatsoever…but even understanding that two of you ladies are in your twenties and Kia even older than I, I get the sense from reading your posts that I'm corresponding with girls who are much younger. My own daughter is in her twenties, but her maturity level is that of a sixteen year old. The councilor explained that when someone experiences abuse (physical or mental), emotional abandonment, lack of parental bonding…or becomes addicted to substances (as in my daughter's case)…they fail to mature beyond the level where it started. It's almost as if they can't get past that hurdle and move forward with their emotional development until they've confronted and overcome their own personal demons. And I've seen the same thing time and time again where I use to work. It was enough to break your heart.

[kiababy]

That's deep...I am the first one to acknowledge that I am extremely immature and can't relate to men older than their mid-thirties..brace yourselves honeys - Kia is a grandmother of two. I have a daughter who is 21 - she has two little girls ages 3 and 1. It's too painful to talk about and I don't want to get into it but I find it very hard to accept or acknowledge the fact that she is a mother or that she has grown up at all. I can't relate to her babies as a grandmother would, more of how an Aunt would act. Anyways I still have two other children to raise and those two, my precious sons, are doing very very well. I think my ex was very toxic to my daughter.

 

My daughter and I are very close, like best friends actually but she moved out when she was 18 and KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT MY DATING HABITS. I am a very private person and have hidden it from even her. She knows I have 'friends' but that's it. I think one of the symptoms of Love Addiction was a 'secret life'.

 

I don't want to talk about my daughter at all anymore by the way, just thought you would find in kind of funny that I'm an immature 42 year-old grandma who only dates 'boys'. And yes, all of the guys I date know I have grandchildren. MM finds my age a huge turn-on anyway.

[Nubianangel]

I have gone back and read the posts from all three of you ladies. And there seems to be one commonality between you…please correct me if I'm wrong. But what I gather is that none of you have ever been in a "good" relationship…or seen an example of a healthy relationship between your parents as you were growing up. Unfortunately, if you've never been given a good example of how "healthy" relationships function…you wouldn't be able to recognize one even if it bit you on the ayas.

 

Even if you were lucky enough to fall into one accidentally, it wouldn't feel "natural" or "comfortable" to you. Having never acquired to skills to function normally within a non-dysfunctional relationship…you would probably end up subconsciously sabotaging it…or even purposely running away from it. It would scare the h*ll out of you.

You see, this goes much deeper than just your current situations with your MM. If you truly want to make positive changes in your life, and break the endless cycles you've been stuck in, then you need to go waaaay back to the beginning and examine "how" and "why" your thought processes evolved the way they did. Then you have to work on changing it. AND ITS GONNA HURT…like purging…when are confronted by the truths. But it is a very necessary process if you are to grow, mature and evolve beyond that injured child that you still are inside.

 

It's strange…and I mean no insult by this whatsoever…but even understanding that two of you ladies are in your twenties and Kia even older than I, I get the sense from reading your posts that I'm corresponding with girls who are much younger. My own daughter is in her twenties, but her maturity level is that of a sixteen year old. The councilor explained that when someone experiences abuse (physical or mental), emotional abandonment, lack of parental bonding…or becomes addicted to substances (as in my daughter's case)…they fail to mature beyond the level where it started. It's almost as if they can't get past that hurdle and move forward with their emotional development until they've confronted and overcome their own personal demons. And I've seen the same thing time and time again where I use to work. It was enough to break your heart.

 

Your post brought tears to my eyes! Yes, Yes that is it exactly! It's a cycle I can't seem to break and subconciously refuse to break. I admit I have sabotaged EVERY potentially positive relationship only to stand firm with the 'wrong' ones. It's what I know, what I'm comfortable with and to veer from my comfort zone is terrifying. At this stage, I am very much in love with this man and selfish as it sounds, I'm not quite ready to be done with him. I wish I could say I was but my heart's been touched.

 

Thank you for posting your opinion and advice in a tactful manner. Your words weren't condescending or insulting. While I will assume you don't agree with the OW lifestyle, you managed to express that without trying to hurt.

[kiababy]

NubianAngel I'm sooooo happy that Enigma was able to get through to you, not in a bad way, but was able to break through to the stuff deep down that's really going on.

 

The link you provided yesterday changed my life Enigma, no I haven't made the break yet - but things are starting to make sense to me. I can't thank you enough.

[shortbus74]

As for my name shortbus... this is a on running joke with my sister and I .... and who else would ever pick this as their user name?....I am comfy in my own skin and I can laugh at myself.....

 

 

Do not even get me started about world hunger, AIDS,war, blah...blah ....blah.....

I did not blame these problems on the "cheaters"

KEEP IN MIND READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!!

 

 

I have struck a nerve saying that the other woman is getting sloppy seconds... WHY?

 

Because it is true....

 

 

I believe in marriage.... and the whole ideal of death do us part.. and so does my future hubby...

I am sorry if I do not agree with the whole cheating aspect... I personally would NEVER put myself in that position........I am a better person than that... I deserve someone who will love only me...

 

My mother always told me.... ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER...

 

I find it ironic that people here try to convince other people here that what they are doing is right.... if you had no internal conflict with cheating you would not bare you personal relationship to people who are going to sit behind their computer and pass judgement on you....

[Nubianangel]

I have struck a nerve saying that the other woman is getting sloppy seconds... WHY?

 

Because it is true....

 

Struck a nerve? Nope! Made me laugh out loud? Yes! It may be true for others but not for me. In fact, I've always preferred leftovers...they're yummier. I think it's hilarious that the 'let's bash them' crowd seems to think their opinions carry such weight. Anything you or your comrades say to or about me, rolls right off of my back. I value opinions that make me think like Enigma's for instance. Her post gave me some type of insight and really hit the nail on the head.

 

I find it ironic that people here try to convince other people here that what they are doing is right.... if you had no internal conflict with cheating you would not bare you personal relationship to people who are going to sit behind their computer and pass judgement on you....

 

Don't misunderstand my purpose here. Convincing you or anyone else that my choice is right is far from why I'm here. Talking with fellow OW and comparing notes is.

[shortbus74]

Your talking circles around me.....

 

Nub.... keep telling yourself that you are no#1.....

 

he goes home to sleep with his wife not you.............

[shortbus74]

as for leftovers are yummier.............

 

What is like to taste the other womens punnany when you are licking the schemkle?

 

and what other people think makes a difference...you keep posting looking for solace in your actions.................

[fanou22]

Enigma,

 

People like you and the things you say make the OW fell more self conscious and analytical of her past and present and forces the OW to look into the situation and take action about it.

What you wrote is amazing and every OW can identify or at least pin point to something in her past. The love addiction is just a way for our society to put a label on something. I saw a book on amazon that described cheating husbands as suffering from a disorder.

 

Shortbus,

 

Look at how the OWs responded to enigma. You stand by your belief in never engaging in an affair with a MM. And I am not encouraging you to do so. I am also sure that you will make a wonderful wife and mother.

Do not condemn the OWs. We all make mistakes all the time regardless of what the situation is or in what aspect of our life.

[shortbus74]

fanou22.... when I was 23 I met a man who was married..........As so as he told me he was married...........I ENDED IT........... I did not want to be the third wheel........... When he called me 4months later I deleted his message............ Have Not Seen him since...........

 

My ex cheated on me and when I found out the truth I filed for divorce............. I refuse to be second best in a relationship.............

 

 

I think what makes my mind go haywire... is the fact that the "other women" here think that they are special, that one day they will have a life with the MM, that the MM is going to leave the wife for them.......

 

 

MY MOTHER SAYS ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Question? Why would you post such a taboo topic? You know that there willl be people who desipse this subject..............

[kiababy]

Guess you haven't been paying attention: which one of us specifically said we expect to have a life with these men? I'm not being being confrontational because you evidently have already decided you know all about us and seem to hate our guts....are you generalizing or can you name names?