Trouble with my girlfriend's past

[joemax]

Long story short, been dating this girl for a couple of months now. She's 20, I turn 24 in August. She's great and all, but I have some trouble accepting her past. She's been with 6 guys before me, including a black guy and also experimented with a girl (just kissing/touching). I don't know why it bothers me so much, and I'm being pretty hypocritical seeing as I've slept with more people, including a black girl as well. I just don't know how to get over it, I hate the thought of her with other guys. She also lost her virginity at 14 (which bothers me A LOT). Too young no?

 

Any advice/help would be appreciated. And yes, I do realize I'm being hypocritical. Can't help the way I feel. I looked it up and saw something about "retroactive jealousy"?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Long story short, been dating this girl for a couple of months now. She's 20, I turn 24 in August. She's great and all, but I have some trouble accepting her past. She's been with 6 guys before me, including a black guy and also experimented with a girl (just kissing/touching). I don't know why it bothers me so much, and I'm being pretty hypocritical seeing as I've slept with more people, including a black girl as well. I just don't know how to get over it, I hate the thought of her with other guys. She also lost her virginity at 14 (which bothers me A LOT). Too young no?

Any advice/help would be appreciated. And yes, I do realize I'm being hypocritical. Can't help the way I feel. I looked it up and saw something about "retroactive jealousy"?

 

Something about the relationship makes you feel insecure. Maybe it's her, maybe its you.

 

You decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship and what you are not. Take some time to sort yourself out about this and make a clear choice. Either choose to move forward with her or don't.... no fence sitting.

[Badsingularity]

I understand what your feeling and I've felt the same way in the past, but I have a whole new look on it now.

 

I'll tell you something that happed very recently that may help you look at this another way.

 

My GF has been with more people than I have. We are getting married very soon. The other day we were riding in the car and she just broke down crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she felt horrible for sleeping with the guys that she was with before me and that if she had known she would end up meeting someone like me she would have never done it and would have waited for me. She was obviously very torn up about this and she said it has realy been eating at her for a while. I couldn't believe how bad she felt about her past and how much it was hurting her. I told her to not worry about it and that the past was the past. I also told her that I had done plenty of things that I regretted and don't even like thiking about before I met her, so she is not a bad person and everyone has a past. No one is perfect.

 

A girls past is not always something she looks back on with happiness.

 

Matter of fact. She may be happier now with you than she ever was with any of the guys in her past.

[firehawk_1]

it is NORMAL to feel this despite what people say. thing is, she has slept around or been with many guys and she wont find anything interesting and shows she cant really stick with one guy for a reasonable amount of time or for life.

 

of course you will feel that there is nothing you can do to interest her. its simple. people who say "its in the past, she had sex, get over it " really annoys me because that is a bad attitude and cant handle what self respect is.

 

I know I wouldnt want to be with someone (not that anyone wants me anyway!) who has slept around or been in many relationships. just shows they have no self control or appreciation. why bother?

[Pierre]

Long story short, been dating this girl for a couple of months now. She's 20, I turn 24 in August. She's great and all, but I have some trouble accepting her past. She's been with 6 guys before me, including a black guy and also experimented with a girl (just kissing/touching). I don't know why it bothers me so much, and I'm being pretty hypocritical seeing as I've slept with more people, including a black girl as well. I just don't know how to get over it, I hate the thought of her with other guys. She also lost her virginity at 14 (which bothers me A LOT). Too young no?

 

Any advice/help would be appreciated. And yes, I do realize I'm being hypocritical. Can't help the way I feel. I looked it up and saw something about "retroactive jealousy"?

 

If you are worried about these things I assume you are serious about her. At least you are not one of those guys that simply wants to do her and run.

 

Do not judge her by the number of partners or whether she digs black men. Always judge a woman (or a man) by the family of origin (FOO). Most of the time men and women end up behaving like members of the family. There are exceptions, but most of the time the FOO is a powerful predictor.

[loversquarrel]

If you are worried about these things I assume you are serious about her. At least you are not one of those guys that simply wants to do her and run.

 

Do not judge her by the number of partners or whether she digs black men. Always judge a woman (or a man) by the family of origin (FOO). Most of the time men and women end up behaving like members of the family. There are exceptions, but most of the time the FOO is a powerful predictor.

 

 

Your advice didn't work for me. Great family but she was a effing lunachick.

[Feelsgoodman]

Long story short, been dating this girl for a couple of months now. She's 20, I turn 24 in August. She's great and all, but I have some trouble accepting her past. She's been with 6 guys before me, including a black guy and also experimented with a girl (just kissing/touching).

That alone would be a deal breaker for me. White girls who go for black guys more often than not have issues. It's like they hate their father and want to disrespect him by dating a black guy knowing that he would not approve. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy your GF was with is some kind of a ghetto "thug".

[Feelsgoodman]

My GF has been with more people than I have. We are getting married very soon. The other day we were riding in the car and she just broke down crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she felt horrible for sleeping with the guys that she was with before me and that if she had known she would end up meeting someone like me she would have never done it and would have waited for me. She was obviously very torn up about this and she said it has realy been eating at her for a while. I couldn't believe how bad she felt about her past and how much it was hurting her. I told her to not worry about it and that the past was the past. I also told her that I had done plenty of things that I regretted and don't even like thiking about before I met her, so she is not a bad person and everyone has a past. No one is perfect.

Please don't tell me you actually bought this sh*t

[mixwell]

This is why I hate the topic of asking a chick or vice versa "how many people have you been with?" I don't even ask this question anymore because all I care about is her being with me, I actually prefer to not know how many guys she's been with in the past, it's never a pleasant topic for both parties for the most part. Get over it.. Her past is her past and who cares that she slept with a black guy. Are you feeling insecure because of that or what ?

 

Does she sound tainted because she's being with a black guy before ? It's a racial undertone to me to say a guy/girl has been with a black person almost like it's taboo or something which I would find offensive if I were a black person.. I'm white and I've been with a 1/2 black chick, hispanic, korean, vietnamese, white etc but why should ethnicity even matter ? A man is a man, a woman is a woman so saying "she was with a X ethnicity" sounds slightly racist to me.

 

One of the things I like about living in America is getting to experience and "taste" the different flavors haha

[Desensitized]

Please don't tell me you actually bought this sh*t

 

ahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

[joemax]

Something about the relationship makes you feel insecure. Maybe it's her, maybe its you.

 

You decide what you are willing to accept in a relationship and what you are not. Take some time to sort yourself out about this and make a clear choice. Either choose to move forward with her or don't.... no fence sitting.

 

Yeah, I am insecure about something, can't put my finger on it though. I've never been like this. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, I know what I'm worth and I think I'm old enough that I know myself fairly well, so I don't know what it is, and it's driving me nuts.

 

A girls past is not always something she looks back on with happiness.

 

Matter of fact. She may be happier now with you than she ever was with any of the guys in her past.

 

Maybe, but she's said that she doesn't regret anything (ie. sleeping with anyone). It's 'made her who she is today'. And she has said that this is the happiest she's ever been, that I'm the best partner she's had in bed, but for some reason that's little consolation.

 

If you are worried about these things I assume you are serious about her. At least you are not one of those guys that simply wants to do her and run.

 

Yeah, I do like her a lot. I just hate the fact that there's guys out there that can just think about her and be like "yeah, I hit that". It sounds so stupid to me when I say it out loud, but I can't help it.

[TheSingleGuy]

I know how you feel, joemax. It's a problem unique to our adulterous generation. I know exactly how you feel. Wish I could offer some advice, but can't. Just realize, your great-grandpa never had to deal with this.

[Quiet Storm]

White girls who go for black guys more often than not have issues. It's like they hate their father and want to disrespect him by dating a black guy knowing that he would not approve. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy your GF was with is some kind of a ghetto "thug".

 

T/J - And men who think this feel superior to black men and can't possibly fathom that an emotionally healthy, attractive white woman would be genuinely attracted to a black man. In their closed racist minds, it is such a step down for a white woman to choose a black man over a white one, that there must be something wrong with her. Whatever gets you though the night, dude.

 

Back to the original poster. It is normal to feel the way you do. You like this girl, and can't stand the thought of her being used. What is your "treasure", was another guys "trash".

 

When you have pride in yourself, you generally take pride in all the things in your life, your job, your home, your car (keeping it clean & serviced), your family. It is only natural that you want to be proud of your girlfriend...but her past is making that difficult for you.

 

In this day and age, it will probably be hard to find someone without a sexual history. Unless she is a virgin, there will always be others before you.

 

So you need to decide what is a deal breaker for you. Is it the number or the black guy? Whatever it is, it is your problem. Not hers. If you are going to judge her negatively for this, then you should let her go. She deserves to be with someone that doesn't have these hang ups.

 

If you stay with her, then you have to try to get over this. If you keep thinking about it, you will take it out on her in subtle ways. You will start to resent her, because you secretly feel that she does not meet your standards. You may be short with her, you may withhold affection, you may do passive agressive things to "punish her".

 

It is not a bad thing to want a woman that has less of a sexual history. It is a valid preference. Yes, you have a double standard when it comes to your own past, but you can't wish those feelings away. I get that. Logically you know you should be okay with it, but that's just it. Your logical mind can't completely drown out those emotional and primal parts of you.

 

What's not okay is to continue in a relationship with her while deep down feeling that you are not compatible. It's not fair to her, and it's just prolonging the inevitable.

[Radu]

Unless the experiences were bad, she has no reason to feel upset about it (though i guess she could have just cried to make you think she feels sorry).

Society treats men and women differently, it's very hypocritical but men gain value with more women they sleep with, while women lose value. You need to realise this for what it is, a big piece of crap (the way you are seen).

 

I did notice that you felt the need to say that you both slept with black girl/guy ... why ?

 

It is retroactive jealousy, google sites about it and try to get over it.

[joemax]

T/J - And men who think this feel superior to black men and can't possibly fathom that an emotionally healthy, attractive white woman would be genuinely attracted to a black man. In their closed racist minds, it is such a step down for a white woman to choose a black man over a white one, that there must be something wrong with her. Whatever gets you though the night, dude.

 

Back to the original poster. It is normal to feel the way you do. You like this girl, and can't stand the thought of her being used. What is your "treasure", was another guys "trash".

 

When you have pride in yourself, you generally take pride in all the things in your life, your job, your home, your car (keeping it clean & serviced), your family. It is only natural that you want to be proud of your girlfriend...but her past is making that difficult for you.

 

In this day and age, it will probably be hard to find someone without a sexual history. Unless she is a virgin, there will always be others before you.

 

So you need to decide what is a deal breaker for you. Is it the number or the black guy? Whatever it is, it is your problem. Not hers. If you are going to judge her negatively for this, then you should let her go. She deserves to be with someone that doesn't have these hang ups.

 

If you stay with her, then you have to try to get over this. If you keep thinking about it, you will take it out on her in subtle ways. You will start to resent her, because you secretly feel that she does not meet your standards. You may be short with her, you may withhold affection, you may do passive agressive things to "punish her".

 

It is not a bad thing to want a woman that has less of a sexual history. It is a valid preference. Yes, you have a double standard when it comes to your own past, but you can't wish those feelings away. I get that. Logically you know you should be okay with it, but that's just it. Your logical mind can't completely drown out those emotional and primal parts of you.

 

What's not okay is to continue in a relationship with her while deep down feeling that you are not compatible. It's not fair to her, and it's just prolonging the inevitable.

 

Thanks so much for this ,you worded everything perfectly. I am actively trying to get over it, I fight these thoughts all the time. But I don't know what else to do about it. I just hate the fact that she opened her legs up for other guys, especially one that she had only known for a couple of hours. Doesn't that tell me a lot about her character? What kind of person she is?

 

And if I bring it up she just says stuff like "you should be happy my curiosities are over. you shouldn't want to change who I am". How do I respond to that?

[leannesagoodman]

Please don't tell me you actually bought this sh*t

 

Personally I'd just like to say I don't think that she was lying. That's how some people genuinely feel when they eventually get such a good relationship.

[HHC]

That alone would be a deal breaker for me. White girls who go for black guys more often than not have issues. It's like they hate their father and want to disrespect him by dating a black guy knowing that he would not approve. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy your GF was with is some kind of a ghetto "thug".

Just wow.

Some people sleep with people based on who they are and how they make them feel, not based on their skin colour and getting back at dad.

What a warped opinion you have

[dasein]

OP is the history the -only- thing that is disturbing you? or could it also be a case of particular current behavior related to the history?

 

Is she impulsive, spending, sexually, risk taking, substance? Has she had eating disorders or claim a history of sexual abuse, are there other emotional issues she may have that are related to her history?

 

IMO, that's the way to evaluate sexual behavior, whether it relates to underlying personality traits. If certain traits are present, you aren't being as unreasonable as you may think. If those traits are absent, then you have to decide for yourself what level of discomfort you can take, what amount you can overcome in time, and go from there.

[joemax]

OP is the history the -only- thing that is disturbing you? or could it also be a case of particular current behavior related to the history?

 

Is she impulsive, spending, sexually, risk taking, substance? Has she had eating disorders or claim a history of sexual abuse, are there other emotional issues she may have that are related to her history?

 

IMO, that's the way to evaluate sexual behavior, whether it relates to underlying personality traits. If certain traits are present, you aren't being as unreasonable as you may think. If those traits are absent, then you have to decide for yourself what level of discomfort you can take, what amount you can overcome in time, and go from there.

 

Well, not just the history per se. The fact that she lost her virginity at 14 bothers me. The fact that she's been smoking cigarettes since the age of 14 bothers me (although she hasn't had one in 2 weeks, knock on wood). She does smoke weed once/twice a week, and I don't like that either. The fact that was she almost involved in a MFF threesome situation, but didn't quite go through with it (made out/touched the other girl and whatnot). She also has mentioned that her first boyfriend, whom she was with for 3 years, has date-rape drugged her before.

[CarrieT]

Do her a favor and break-up with her.

 

We all do things we regret and only when a person is mature enough to accept another human being with all their flaws, do relationships really work.

 

If you can't fully accept the girl you care about is flawed and made mistakes - and not judge her for those errors - than you should move on and look for the virgin, innocent girl that will satisfy you.

 

She will be able to find someone who is not as judgmental and will cause her significantly less grief and drama.

[dasein]

Well, not just the history per se. The fact that she lost her virginity at 14 bothers me. The fact that she's been smoking cigarettes since the age of 14 bothers me (although she hasn't had one in 2 weeks, knock on wood). She does smoke weed once/twice a week, and I don't like that either. The fact that was she almost involved in a MFF threesome situation, but didn't quite go through with it (made out/touched the other girl and whatnot). She also has mentioned that her first boyfriend, whom she was with for 3 years, has date-rape drugged her before.

 

If the smoking and the weed are not compatible with your lifestyle, yep, move on to the next option. It's become vogueish for young women to claim to have been raped at some time in the past due to all the HS and college propaganda concerning rape, so don't know what to tell you there.

 

It sounds like she is into trying to shock you more than anything, the more you post about her, and that could be the sign of a drama queen in the making or personality issues. Good luck whatever you decide, in your shoes would likely keep things very casual. If anything, she sounds like someone not even close to being ready for a stable exclusive LTR.

[Badsingularity]

Please don't tell me you actually bought this sh*t

 

I know women better than 99% of other men, including you, and I sure as hell know my GF better than you do.

 

I am sure that any girl who gets with a man that makes all of her past boyfriends look pathetic in comparison regrets that she was ever with them.

[Feelsgoodman]

Well, not just the history per se. The fact that she lost her virginity at 14 bothers me. The fact that she's been smoking cigarettes since the age of 14 bothers me (although she hasn't had one in 2 weeks, knock on wood). She does smoke weed once/twice a week, and I don't like that either. The fact that was she almost involved in a MFF threesome situation, but didn't quite go through with it (made out/touched the other girl and whatnot). She also has mentioned that her first boyfriend, whom she was with for 3 years, has date-rape drugged her before.

What's your gut telling you? A smoker, lost virginity at 14, sleeps with black guys (I'm sure there has been moe than just one...) On top of that, she's a drug user who has probably exchanged sex for drugs...plus the whole date rape situation. I can't blame you for having second thoughts about her.

[Feelsgoodman]

I know women better than 99% of other men,

Doesn't sound like it...

[joystickd]

That alone would be a deal breaker for me. White girls who go for black guys more often than not have issues. It's like they hate their father and want to disrespect him by dating a black guy knowing that he would not approve. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy your GF was with is some kind of a ghetto "thug".

 

Most I have dated didn't have issues and they didn't hate their father.