How do I get this woman to stay away from my husband?

[lynie1984]

My husband and I went through I rough patch.

 

I was on anti-depressants for anxiety for 2 years which ruined my sex drive and our sex life.

One day I was feeling low and searched 'I don't love my husband' anymore on the net and my husband found. Dont know why I did it - I always knew I loved him.

That caused him to feel very angry with me because he has always doted on me and treated me so well.

I am now no longer taking anti-depressants and our sex life is back on track. He still shows me affection and tells me he loves me so much but it took him a lot to forgive me and I still think a part of him is angry.

 

Only problem is that now he has made friends with a girl from work. From the moment she started working there, he said she was like a female version of himself and that she was so easy to talk to, etc. This all happened at the time of our rough patch and he even confided in her that we were having problems.

They continue to be friends. I work from home a lot in the evenings as I have quite a taxing job where I am a manager. So as soon as I work or take a nap in the afternoon on the weekend -he will go to her house and play chess. She started dating a guy from work (his mate) and the other night they were all meant to meet up for a night of bowling. Well, his mate never turned up and he still stayed out. They went bowling, played pool, etc. I would go with but we have a 2 year old daughter.

 

There is a lot of other context to add here which I cant but the crux of the matter is I hate that he chooses to spend time with another woman! I hate her too for phoning him up and inviting him round when she knows he is married with a little girl AND she is supposed to be dating another man.

I dont think he has done anything with her. He is not distant from me or anything and he is always open about the fact that he has seen her but it still does not make me feel any more comfortable. I told him that I think she likes him a lot which did not go very well.

 

He claims he just likes talking to someone and because of his childhood, etc that he just finds it easier to talk to women and that its purely platonic but I STILL HATE IT!

 

I wish I could somehow give her a signal to leave him alone. He may not have any feelings for her but I know she has. I dont have any other friends (with boyfriends or not) who phone up married men for chats and invite them round for chess. Its just weird!

 

But at the same time I dont want to alienate him as he felt i always controlled him and that I was the one who could go out with my friends but he couldn't.

 

Any advice???

lynie1984

[Bellechica]

Hi. I think he is cheating on you. I'm a WW and I am still lying to my H but I can spot a cheater since I was pretty good at it. Your H is having an A with her. The man she is "dating" is just to throw you off and make you feel like its okay for your H to go out with her. This is my opinion.

[anne1707]

It is not the woman who needs to set the boundaries in this friendship to respect your marriage, it is your husband who should do that.

 

You need to calmly explain to him how it makes you feel when he spends so much time with another woman especially one whom he discusses personal matters with. If he is not open to listening to you then he is placing too much emphasis on the friendship to the detrriment of your marriage and you also need to make that clear.

 

A thought that comes to mind is that maybe MC would help you both. On the basis that you have had some rough times plus what could be an inappropriate relationship with another woman, MC might help you tackle these issues.

[Snow-white]

My former husband tried that I stay away not having an affair and no contact with the affair. It did not work :-( (to my regret) I think it is in the head. There is nothing you can do. But DO NOT give him too much space. Much space gives more opportunities to contact the affair. Try, perhaps, being a new you, because there might be something why your husband is having the affair. All I can say is, I had the affair, my ex husband tried everything, it did not work. So, me, as the bad one in this perspective, my advise of perhaps something was/is missing.

[PlumPrincess]

Hi. I think he is cheating on you. I'm a WW and I am still lying to my H but I can spot a cheater since I was pretty good at it. Your H is having an A with her. The man she is "dating" is just to throw you off and make you feel like its okay for your H to go out with her. This is my opinion.

Not an unlikely scenario...

[darkmoon]

i have known one dad out drinking and chatting with our artsclub-group, wife/baby left at home, he was a new face, i thought my female friend (am female) was a bit full-on in swapping numbers with him, but it was innocent, not condoning him as i see a boundary crossed, she was pushy because of ambition, though moved on, men should be dads properly but they prefer the sidelines too often unfair

Edited April 21, 2012 by darkmoon

[TakeMeasIam]

You get in touch with her, and you quietly tell her that if she ever thinks she's going to get between the sheets with your husband, and take him from you - She'd better think again.

you and your husband have been through a lot together, and while you don't deny the problems, it's a mark of how your marriage is, that you're both together still.

You suggest she backs off and cools it a bit, because as she probably knows (and this is appealing to her feminine temperament) men are easily infatuated by a pretty girl giving them attention, and some men have their heads turned inappropriately.

You would consider it a courtesy woman to woman if she would just step back.

 

And if she tells your H that she's been approached by you, and he tackles you about it - simply tell him you only told her what he should have told her already.

Why, were you wrong?

Is there more to it than he's letting on?

No?

Then there's no harm done, is there...?

 

The guilty are known by the loudness of their protests.....

[frozensprouts]

You get in touch with her, and you quietly tell her that if she ever thinks she's going to get between the sheets with your husband, and take him from you - She'd better think again.

you and your husband have been through a lot together, and while you don't deny the problems, it's a mark of how your marriage is, that you're both together still.

You suggest she backs off and cools it a bit, because as she probably knows (and this is appealing to her feminine temperament) men are easily infatuated by a pretty girl giving them attention, and some men have their heads turned inappropriately.

You would consider it a courtesy woman to woman if she would just step back.

 

And if she tells your H that she's been approached by you, and he tackles you about it - simply tell him you only told her what he should have told her already.

Why, were you wrong?

Is there more to it than he's letting on?

No?

Then there's no harm done, is there...?

 

The guilty are known by the loudness of their protests.....

 

 

this makes sense, as long as they haven't actually started an affair already ( even an emotional one). If they have, then the fact that he is married doesn't matter to her, and you calling may or may not make any difference.

If she is like most people, she may feel awful. Until the point she actually talks to you, she may have tried to ignore your existence so she wouldn't feel bad about being with your husband. Once she talks to you, that's kind of hard to do.

One the other hand, if she's anything like a few "other women", she doesn't care that he's married, in fact, she may see it as a plus. She may well use the phone call against you ( see what a control freak your wife is?)...

Either way, the issue really lies more with your husband than with her. He needs to know how you feel, and that you don't want him spending so much time with her. If he has an issue with that, then you've got a real problem.

[stillafool]

I think it is completely inappropriate to call a mm and ask him to spend time with you. Who does she think she is? I agree with the poster who said your husband should be the one to set boundaries. Tell him today how you feel about this situation and you are most uncomfortable with it. This is very dangerous territory. He shouldn't have to turn to another woman to have any of his needs met.

[TakeMeasIam]

I completely agree.

And as I said in my post, your husband is the one who should deal with this.

 

So tell him that you'd feel it appropriate if he did.

Because if he doesn't, you'll have no choice but to take the matter in your own hands.... you won't be rude, and you won't be disrespectful, but you will tell her exactly what you think of all this.

 

And I repeat myself - if he protests, then you have to ask precisely why he would....

[Try]

Only problem is that now he has made friends with a girl from work.

He claims he just likes talking to someone and because of his childhood, etc that he just finds it easier to talk to women and that its purely platonic but I STILL HATE IT!

100% of all cheaters claim that the other woman is just a friend; what else would you expect them to say? Check this cheater box.

 

From the moment she started working there, he said she was like a female version of himself and that she was so easy to talk to, etc.

It is a cliché to have the cheating husband tell the other woman that “my wife does not understand me like you do”. Check that box.

 

This all happened at the time of our rough patch and he even confided in her that we were having problems.

Another cliché of a cheating husband is that he tells the other woman that “my wife does not love me”. This is code for “you are not wasting your time as my marriage is not strong.” Check that box too.

 

So as soon as I work or take a nap in the afternoon on the weekend -he will go to her house and play chess. She started dating a guy from work (his mate) and the other night they were all meant to meet up for a night of bowling. Well, his mate never turned up and he still stayed out. They went bowling, played pool, etc. I would go with but we have a 2 year old daughter.

This is called dating. Your husband’s mate was just covering for him.

 

You do not like it because your instincts are telling you that something is wrong. Trust your instincts. First comes the emotional affair then comes the physical affair. Too early to tell where it is at this time but you must end it either way. You do not need to prove anything. If he refuses to end all contact with this other women, you will know that not only were you right but that it has already gone too far. Fight this fight now. Do not dely. Time is not on your side. Tell your husband that even if he is not in and EA or PA affair yet, that is where it may be heading and you cannot take this chance with your marriage. He is playing Russian Roulette with your marriage; in Russian Roulette, even though the odds are strongly on your side that the gun will not go off when you pull the trigger, the down side is so bad no one should be playing this game.If your feeling matter as they should, you feeling uncomfortable with his female friend should be enough for him to end it. No proof of wrong doing should be needed.

[MissBee]

It is not the woman who needs to set the boundaries in this friendship to respect your marriage, it is your husband who should do that.

 

You need to calmly explain to him how it makes you feel when he spends so much time with another woman especially one whom he discusses personal matters with. If he is not open to listening to you then he is placing too much emphasis on the friendship to the detrriment of your marriage and you also need to make that clear.

 

A thought that comes to mind is that maybe MC would help you both. On the basis that you have had some rough times plus what could be an inappropriate relationship with another woman, MC might help you tackle these issues.

 

 

I agree.

 

I don't understand the mentality that if your husband is choosing to hang out with this woman, why you feel that you need to tell her, a woman you don't know, that she needs to stay away from him. He's the one who needs to respect you and your wishes and stay away from her. She is hanging out with him because he wants it and allows it and chooses it. She's not doing anything wrong, he is. It also seems like you have never said anything to him about your feelings about what HE is doing, but instead chose to tell him you think she likes him, as though he is falling into some "trap", when he really is not. He is choosing these things consciously and he is not that blind. Married men who respect their wives and relationships don't need their wife to "warn" women, as they make sure to make it clear to other women where they stand and have boundaries to protect their relationship. That's how it should be. If you have to be the one to go behind your man's back to "warn" women....then there is a huge problem in the relationship.

 

I agree that MC may be in order, so that you two can communicate better. As right now, it seems like you don't communicate well, you both look for outside sources of fulfillment in your relationship, and when things go badly, you don't ask him to take responsibility but blame outsiders or seek to control outsiders, versus seeing how it is a problem with him.

Edited April 21, 2012 by MissBee

[darkmoon]

i think you should just tell the woman to go as per the title of this post, perhaps it is that this woman is working a number on the husband i have known men to see innocence where my intuition tells me to see a cow, blaming him like some say to do could be the last thing he wants you acting like a harpy just gives that woman all the goals she needs, just saying do not argue with him

[Els]

How about getting the husband to stay away from the woman to begin with? Married people don't go to an opposite gender friend's house ALONE, period.

[PlumPrincess]

How about getting the husband to stay away from the woman to begin with? Married people don't go to an opposite gender friend's house ALONE, period.

I was wondering as well if it was a good idea that she go and talk with her husband's friend. But maybe it might help to show her husband that she cared about him?

[Athena]

He may feel justified in having a BFF with a female to spite you for hurting him by not loving him and making him doubt he can fully trust you.

 

I suspect she is dating your husband, not his best friend at work... even if she WAS dating his best friend, it would likely be a ploy of hers to get as close as possible to him (your husband) if she couldn't actually sleep with him, she'd sleep with his friend.

 

And that, likely, would drive your husband crazy.

 

You simply have to meet her, face to face, and check her out... I also think there's nothing wrong with telling her you are uncomfortable with her close friendship with YOUR man, and her spending time with him, when you would prefer to spend time with your husband.... all's fair in love and war. State your boundaries. Fight for what you want. You want peace and quiet without another woman in your life? Then go after that.

 

Tell your husband he is entitled to close friends, but not of the opposite sex because that can (and often does) lead to problems... so draw the line firmly in the ground and say that intimate behavior is unacceptable for a Married Man. Which it is.

[maya.arrow]

Oh man. I have to jump in and agree that by all means you should NOT contact the other woman and tell her to stay away from your husband. She will definitely tell your H, and it would make you look like a psycho, mean, and jealous witch. It might even give them more to bond over--whether they have any sexual tension or not. Don't go there. Also, I would disagree with many of the responses and say that it IS perfectly normal for men and women to become friends. I am a woman, and sometimes I get on better with men and have male friends I spend time with one on one, with NO intention of sleeping with them. Most of my boyfriends (current and past) also have close female friends that they sometimes spent time with one on one. Of course I get jealous and insecure at times, but that is ultimately my problem. The worst thing you could do is to treat someone like they are doing something wrong when they aren't. And if they are...you really have no control over that until you find out for sure. Until you have reason to doubt, you have to trust. I think what you need to do is be gentle with yourself. It's not wrong to be insecure or jealous, it's just what you DO with those emotions that matter. My first advice would be to try and get to know your husband's friend. You might like her too! Invite her and her boyfriend over for dinner or something. Be warm and gracious. Your husband might love you for it. And if you still feel insecure...tell your husband how you feel and let him know that you know it is your own problem, but you want his help to get over these feelings. Good luck!

[TakeMeasIam]

Oh you know...I was a really good friend to my husband's friend, for quite a while.

 

Our friendship didn't stop her screwing him at every possible opportunity.

 

In fact, the last time I spoke to her, she told me that our friendship felt like an approval for her... She was so familiar with us both, it felt like the most natural thing in the world...

 

Isn't love wonderful?

[maya.arrow]

@takemeasiam

 

that is so awful and i'm so sorry that happened to you. but how does that reflect badly on you? she was the one who betrayed you...you didn't do anything wrong in being a friend to her. whoever takes someone's friendship as an approval to hurt them is pretty horrible in my opinion.

 

that's the point that i am trying to make. we can't do anything but be the best people we can be. we can't help the horrible things other people do, only what we, ourselves do. is it really going to help matters by being suspicious and controlling? people love people for who they are, not for how they keep them in check. i don't want to feel like the only way i can keep my man is to police his relationships. how exhausting! if someone really loves you, and you are kind and loving back, no one can take him/her away.

[stillafool]

I think this woman is a bit-h. I think she is wrong to call another woman's husband to hang out with her. Didn't her mother teach her anything? The only time a friendship like that is appropriate is if they have been friends since they were kids and grew up next door to each other and even then....

 

She needs to be put in her place by your husband and possibly you. Let her know you don't like it. The next time she calls your house hang up on her.

[TakeMeasIam]

@takemeasiam

 

that is so awful and i'm so sorry that happened to you. but how does that reflect badly on you? she was the one who betrayed you...

I think she and my husband were in this together....

 

you didn't do anything wrong in being a friend to her. whoever takes someone's friendship as an approval to hurt them is pretty horrible in my opinion.

i did more than be a friend, I also gave her a job....horrible was not the word that immediately springs to mind...

 

that's the point that i am trying to make. we can't do anything but be the best people we can be. we can't help the horrible things other people do, only what we, ourselves do.

 

Oh, please trust me. I did nothing vindictive, cruel, senseless or horrible. I took legal advice, I followed the letter of the law precisely, and every action i took was calculated and absolutely correct.

the fact that the actions I took left them both destitute was not my problem.

 

is it really going to help matters by being suspicious and controlling? people love people for who they are, not for how they keep them in check.

If I'd kept the two idiots in check, this would not have happened.

They only have themselves to blame.

 

if someone really loves you, and you are kind and loving back, no one can take him/her away.

You really believe this?

Unfortunately you know, that's a very naive point of view, my dear.

[SandieBeach]

I think the question you should be asking is "How do I get my husband to stay away from this woman?" He seems to be conflicted enough in his marriage to not care about crossing boundaries and starting a friendship with someone he's apparently attracted to.

[maya.arrow]

 

You really believe this?

Unfortunately you know, that's a very naive point of view, my dear.

 

 

And that's a very bitter point of view.

 

I've been cheated on too, and have been in an abusive relationship. But yes, I do believe that. That isn't to say that people don't change, that people never fall out of love. But you can't coerce someone to stay with you if they don't want to. Someone has to want to stay with you to be with you. It's pretty simple really.

[spookie]

sounds like he's cheating on you

[TakeMeasIam]

And that's a very bitter point of view.

No, I'm really not bitter; I'm realistic.

My ex-husband claimed he adored me, right up to the moment we were divorced.

He claimed she was just a mere trifle, a pastime, something to occupy him when he had time on his hands....

He claimed it was all designed to boost her confidence, make her feel wanted and loved...

He claimed he wanted to be with me until his dying day.

 

I told him that could be arranged...

 

He claimed lots of things - and knowing him, as I do, I don't have any doubt at all that he was absolutely sincere.

He simply did not see this as cheating or being unfaithful. Not at all.

He said it was natural for a hot-blooded male to have more than one filly in his stable.

 

I'm afraid the divorce turned him into a 'gelding'.

 

We are actually now on very good terms. We speak on a weekly basis, and I know he still worships the ground I walk on.

For a long time, I wished he was under it, but there is no point keeping bitterness.

But I do not intend being led on so blindly again.