How do I get this woman to stay away from my husband?

[maya.arrow]

that's a really interesting situation. it sounds like your ex-husband has some issues with honesty and insecurity. i don't think he is being very honest with himself, really. and maybe HE was the one that wanted to feel adored--and wanted the attention from all sides. you seem to be much more rational.

 

still--what do you think one should do to not be led on so blindly? see, that is the attitude that i first took on after my last boyfriend cheated on me. i thought--i am never going to be made a fool of again. so with my next boyfriend, i started off with a lot of insecurity and suspicion(i admit, i was traumatized!)--asking about everything and anyone he was seeing (albeit in the nicest way possible. and I hated what I had become, because he didn't deserve it and i didn't like being that way. i don't think people are fools to trust others and if someone lies to you, it's not YOUR fault. i am with someone who is incredibly honest now--almost to a fault--and it has taught me a lot about trust and honesty.

[bentnotbroken]

Oh you know...I was a really good friend to my husband's friend, for quite a while.

 

Our friendship didn't stop her screwing him at every possible opportunity.

 

In fact, the last time I spoke to her, she told me that our friendship felt like an approval for her... She was so familiar with us both, it felt like the most natural thing in the world...

 

Isn't love wonderful?

:eek::eek:WTH?????That is some twisted shiggity.

[Danie]

After my husband came back from our nearly yearlong separation (near divorce) due to his cheating with xow he had a very close friendship with a female co-worker. This friendship felt wrong to me and I told him that on several occasions. This co-worker was my friend too. My Husband had worked with her for many, many years and during our separation she was sympathetic and was a shoulder for him. So when he came back home their friendship continued.

 

I’m the type of person to give anyone just enough rope to hang themselves…should they feel the desire to…anyway, I’m never going to tell him who he can be friends with or who he can’t be friends with. I’m not that type of person. Hell there would be a nuclear war in my house if he ever tried to tell me who I can and/or cannot be friends with…so if I expect to have my own freedoms then I need to respect his right to his freedoms. But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it or accept it in my life.

 

So what I did was tell him exactly how I felt about the situation. I told him that I was uncomfortable with this friendship because I know that she wouldn’t hesitate for a second to jump in bed with him if he was so inclined. He didn’t believe me. He said, no she’s just a friend. I know women and I know this woman ( a lot longer than he knew her) I didn’t argue with him. I just told him what I needed him to hear.

 

I think the thing that opened his eyes was that she called him in the middle of the night. It was like 2 or 3 am…she was drunk and called him. I was mad…but very silent. I was deciding if I *wanted* this in my life. I knew I wanted him but I also knew I didn’t want another woman in my husbands life. His choice to decide if he wanted another woman in his life but it was my choice to accept this as part of my life. So anyway, she call me apologizing…I didn’t accept that apology from her. He came over to my office…and said that his other friends at work told her how wrong it was for her to call him in the middle of the night and that’s why she called to apologize to me.

 

About a week later he says “I don’t think I can be friends with her anymore” and his reasons was because she was getting too friendly with him. (duh, I TOLD you so…but never said “I told you” because that’s a childish waste of time) So he quietly pulled away from that friendship. He didn’t dramatically end the entire friendship..and I’m glad because she’s a nice enough lady and we’re all still friendly but in a “hi how you been” sort of way.

 

The point here is that YOU cannot control him or her. You need to focus on you and decide if this is what you want in your life. If it’s not making you happy…why waste time on the drama and heartbreak? In my opinion, spending too much time being unhappy is not worth losing precious moments of your life not being happy. Make sense?

 

Me? If he doesn’t want to be with me then he’d better get the hell out. Do NOT waste my time on bull****. Either he’s all in or he’s all out…there are no in-betweens in this regard for me. He has my love forever..and that still doesn’t mean that he has ME forever…

[KathyM]

Close friendships between a married person and someone of the opposite sex is just asking for trouble. YOU are supposed to be the one he confides in. The one he bonds with on a daily basis--not some other woman. You need to set boundaries with him, and don't feel guilty for doing so. You have to, in order to protect your marriage. What your husband is doing will eventually lead to an emotional affair, and possibly a physical one. You need to tell him you are not comfortable with him having a close friendship with another woman, and that it's important to your marriage that he not be allowing other women to take up so much of his time and attention like this. Set some boundaries--no going out with this woman for coffee or anything else. No meeting her outside of the office. No personal phone calls or Emails. Have him tell her he wants to get their friendship back on a professional level, because it's not fair to his wife to be spending time and attention on a personal friendship with another woman. Then if she calls he should either not answer, or answer briefly and let her know that he'll talk to her at the office, and he has to go now. These "friendships" can get out of hand if you allow them to go unchecked. I've had women (business associates, clients, etc.) trying to be friends with my husband with alterior motives of it being more. Fortunately, my husband does not encourage them, but he's had to take active steps to discourage them by not taking their calls at home, limiting their calls to professional matters, and not responding to Emails that are not business related, as well as decline invitations for supposedly benign events. You need to take the bull by the horns on this, and set some clear boundaries to protect your marriage. This "friendship" can easily get out of control, and it already is crossing a line if he is confiding in her about your marriage.

[maya.arrow]

The point here is that YOU cannot control him or her. You need to focus on you and decide if this is what you want in your life. If it’s not making you happy…why waste time on the drama and heartbreak? In my opinion, spending too much time being unhappy is not worth losing precious moments of your life not being happy. Make sense?

 

Me? If he doesn’t want to be with me then he’d better get the hell out. Do NOT waste my time on bull****. Either he’s all in or he’s all out…there are no in-betweens in this regard for me. He has my love forever..and that still doesn’t mean that he has ME forever…

 

I totally agree with you. It's really all you can do--express your feelings honestly, and then if your partner cares enough to respond, you know you have something healthy. If he doesn't care, then you, and you alone, need to decide whether it is worth having this person in your life.

 

I've been on both sides of the coin. Some jealous boyfriends of mine in the past have been really uncomfortable with my friendships with other men. In no way would I cut off a friendship for that reason. But I do what I can to help them through that jealousy so that they see they have nothing to fear. I have also found in my experience that my feelings of jealousy sometimes are completely unfounded. I've been uncomfortable by friendships my bf has had with women, thinking they are hitting on him, etc. only to find out I am way off base and I end up really good friends with that woman too.

[Danie]

I just wanted to clarify that both my husband and I have opposite sex friendships, but…and this is big…these friendships never outweigh our relationship with each other. I think it’s unreasonable and unhealthy to not maintain opposite sex friendship solely on the bases of not upsetting your partner. To my way of thinking I have to trust him, not anyone else, just him. If I didn’t trust him I doubt I could be happy in a relationship with him. If I felt the need to monitor his friendships and his interactions with other’s (regardless of gender) then I doubt I would be living a happy life.

[maya.arrow]

Yes, that is something that has taken me a long time to take in, as I've been cheated on in the past and thought the only way to avoid it again was to always be on guard and try to be a part of everything my partner does. It's an exhausting existence, really.

 

Communication is key. Jealousy is normal, so it's important you can discuss your feelings with your partner and feel supported and understood by him/her.

[knitwit]

If you want to have drama, separations, near- or actual-divorces, and end up on "both sides of the coin" then by all means, don't be "controlling" and be A-OK with opposite-sex friendships in a marriage.

 

If you prefer to have peace, less drama, and more security, agree with your spouse that same-sex friends are off-limits, unless they are friends with the couple. Now, there are all other issues and events that can destroy your peace, create drama, and decrease or shatter your security- but at least in my marriage, we prefer to set things up to increase our odds of the peaceful, drama-free, and secure setting. Avoiding opposite-sex friendships is one easy-peasy way to get there.

 

Your marriage, your call.

[Danie]

If you want to have drama, separations, near- or actual-divorces, and end up on "both sides of the coin" then by all means, don't be "controlling" and be A-OK with opposite-sex friendships in a marriage.

 

If you prefer to have peace, less drama, and more security, agree with your spouse that same-sex friends are off-limits, unless they are friends with the couple. Now, there are all other issues and events that can destroy your peace, create drama, and decrease or shatter your security- but at least in my marriage, we prefer to set things up to increase our odds of the peaceful, drama-free, and secure setting. Avoiding opposite-sex friendships is one easy-peasy way to get there.

 

Your marriage, your call.

 

Whatever way works for those who are IN the marriage is the right way to proceed. For me it has nothing to do with control or being a-ok with opposite sex friendships. It has everything to do with respecting him as a human being and him respecting me as a human being. We each have the absolute right to live our lives as we see fit.

 

We lead a very drama free life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. None of our friendships outweigh our relationship with each other. I am sooooo…soooooo….SO bad with details and such it would literally drive me crazy to try to keep up with it all. Whew, so I don’t bother with it at all. My husband will come home with his stories of the day and I’ll do the same. Sometimes our stories have opposite sex friend interactions in them sometimes not. Mostly we just like to share our thoughts about our days.

 

If I felt that one of his female friends was being too friendly I’ll tell him how I feel and why. But the bottom line is that it’s his life and his choice to do what he does. Should he feel the need to cheat on me again then our story is over. That’s all there is too it. It’s up to him to decide if he wants our story to end this way or not.

[knitwit]

Like I said, your marriage, your call.

 

For me and DH, avoiding opposite-sex friendships has nothing to do with basic human respect. We would haven't married each other and/or wouldn't stay married if we didn't respect each other. And I agree that we all have the right to live our lives as we see fit. My DH can do anything he wants to do, but there are limits to what he can do and stay married to me. Vice versa applies as well. My DH and I like to live in a way that helps us "fit" together; the same-sex friends only is a general rule of thumb that we use to maintain that. It is not a hardship or a sacrifice- it's easy peasey, and I am someone who used to have mostly male friends. I was "best man" in a wedding for one. I still have most of them, but they are all friends with my DH as well. I don't have male friends who are not also friends with DH.

 

For me, personally, the way you and your DH have it set it up would not work. I would not be able to feel safe/secure in a relationship where my significant other maintained friendships with women if I was not included, and this is doubly so if that SO had already cheated on me. I do not mean to be disrespectful; maybe I would feel differently if I were in your shoes. I just can't see how I would have any peace if the wayward partner had so many opportunites to cheat again. But, this is me. If it works for you, then good! We all have our own ways of handling things.

 

At any rate, my DH and I avoid even having to think about this (at least so far!). Opposite-sex friendships is not on our radar screen. Neither one of us considers it unreasonable. It is not a cure-all or a total preventative from bad things happening. But it is one thing about our relationship that I really like, and I know that my DH is much more comfortable this way as well.

Edited April 25, 2012 by knitwit

[Danie]

Well, of course there are limits to what either of us can do and expect to stay married to each other. Yes, our friendships, both same sex and opposite sex, are pretty much shared friendships. There are people as his work that I don’t know that well and there are people at my work he doesn’t really know that well. These are professional friendships. There is nothing in any of these friendships that I would hesitate in sharing with him.

 

I guess for me I don’t want to have that niggle in the back of my mind that he could be cheating. If I couldn’t completely trust him then I couldn’t be in this marriage with him. In any given moment there are multitudes of opportunities to cheat or to lay the groundwork for cheating. I need to trust him that he’s not doing any of that. I can’t control the situations he finds himself in, but he can. This is what I trust in him…that he controls his life and actions in such a way as to not be laying the groundwork for cheating. If I feel insecure about anything I tell him and we talk. If he feels insecure about anything he tells me and we talk about it. I’m always going to give him…and anyone else in my life…enough rope to hang themselves with…what they do with that rope is up to them. I’m not saying that I’d sabotage them or try to create ‘tests’ for them only that I’m not going to spend my time and mind on all the nonsense.

 

For us it works. I know that this wouldn’t work for others and that’s perfectly ok with me. To each their own, right?

[KathyM]

Whatever way works for those who are IN the marriage is the right way to proceed. For me it has nothing to do with control or being a-ok with opposite sex friendships. It has everything to do with respecting him as a human being and him respecting me as a human being. We each have the absolute right to live our lives as we see fit.

 

We lead a very drama free life. I wouldn’t have it any other way. None of our friendships outweigh our relationship with each other. I am sooooo…soooooo….SO bad with details and such it would literally drive me crazy to try to keep up with it all. Whew, so I don’t bother with it at all. My husband will come home with his stories of the day and I’ll do the same. Sometimes our stories have opposite sex friend interactions in them sometimes not. Mostly we just like to share our thoughts about our days.

 

If I felt that one of his female friends was being too friendly I’ll tell him how I feel and why. But the bottom line is that it’s his life and his choice to do what he does. Should he feel the need to cheat on me again then our story is over. That’s all there is too it. It’s up to him to decide if he wants our story to end this way or not.

If you value your marriage, you will protect it, by setting boundaries regarding opposite sex friends. I have had to do that, and don't regret it for a minute. It's just too easy for a friendship to become something more when your marriage is going through a rough patch, or when your spouse starts to confide in this other person and develop a close relationship with this other person. I've seen it happen IRL too many times with people, where a friendship with the opposite sex led to an affair and the destruction of a marriage. Don't take this lightly. Any friends of your husband should be friends of the couple, and socialized with as a couple--not alone with your husband. This friendship you are talking about has already crossed the line where your husband is confiding in her about your marriage.

[Danie]

If you value your marriage, you will protect it, by setting boundaries regarding opposite sex friends. I have had to do that, and don't regret it for a minute. It's just too easy for a friendship to become something more when your marriage is going through a rough patch, or when your spouse starts to confide in this other person and develop a close relationship with this other person. I've seen it happen IRL too many times with people, where a friendship with the opposite sex led to an affair and the destruction of a marriage. Don't take this lightly. Any friends of your husband should be friends of the couple, and socialized with as a couple--not alone with your husband. This friendship you are talking about has already crossed the line where your husband is confiding in her about your marriage.

I value my marriage, but not over myself. I know that sounds awful but it’s the way it has to be for me, for us, forever more. If he allows a friendship to become more to him that his relationship with me then I do not want him in my life as my husband. It’s really that simple for me.

 

He cheated before, twice actually. You can read my back story if you feel like it. He had an inappropriately close friendship with a woman (who is also my friend) that story I posted on this thread earlier. I told him how I felt about it, why I felt as I did…but it’s his life…I’m never going to tell him what he should and should not do with his very own life. However, I will tell him exactly what I will and will not accept in my life. That’s the point I guess…I can’t control him, I could spend countless hours stressing, and I still can’t control him...but I can control me. I can control who and what I allow into my life. So, that is what I will do.

[maya.arrow]

I’m never going to tell him what he should and should not do with his very own life. However, I will tell him exactly what I will and will not accept in my life.

 

love this!