broke up, still saying he loves me (FOREVER), just feeling sick about it all!

[aJoy]

I was dating this guy for a year... things started to get crappy after about 6 months, the last few months were an emotional hell on me ... but I held on through the year (the worst part of it was his attitude that made me feel like I wasn't "allowed" to be mad at him for anything at all... even longer story..)...

 

then, i got a new job a few states away and (he said he'd go several times long before the job actually came up) I moved w/o him... actually one of my big reasons for moving was because I knew it would be good for me to be away from him, start fresh and move on especially since I didn't spend any time with anyone but him there. before I left he wouldn't give me a proper goodbye.. in other words I wanted things to be pretty and happy and all fruit and flowers so that I could leave smiling because w/ all the bad times we still had a lot of good times and I wanted to leave on good terms. He started acting crappy in my last few days of leaving, being sad and moody and not spending much time with me... (before all of this, he'd been acting like a jerk anyway though...) The day i left we got into a fight and the night before I left, he invited his friend to come and hang out with us for a little bit (WHICH I AM STILL TOTALLY PISSED ABOUT!!!)

 

so, anyway, I moved, and when I got here, we talked and it was still HORRIBLE! He kept saying how he loves me and that's it and nothing else needs to be said or done and there is no need for titles etc because he loves me and he'll always be there, that he doesn't want another girlfriend because he "stumbled upon" me... (to which I said BITE ME!!!)... didn't even want to give me the "what now" talk after a year of being together almost everyday... I told him I thought it was best we just stopped talking and then I didn't want to do that anymore so we started to talk again about a month or so ago ( we actually didn't speak for only just a week) .. then, he came to visit the other day and left yesterday... we had lots of sex, which I think is what I liked about the relationship to begin with and it was great but I felt nothing spectacular towards him, not as happy as I used to be with him probably because I know and understand it is over ... and the spark was almost gone, the attraction was still there though... so, it was basically just hanging out for a few days and having sex... i wanted him to come mainly so that I could have a fun happy time with him (not just sex, which we still had plenty of before I left) and say goodbye in my own way.

 

for the most part, i think it worked... there just wasn't much there.. i think ego and self centered-ness has a lot to do with my not being able to get over this guy. I feel broken, depleted, just dead to the world. Dating is useless and pointless and I'm just not interested right now in anything but I DONT KNOW WHAT! I'm confused... (this post is probably confused too...) there's a lot I've left out because I just don't know where to begin. Right now, he's still talking all the "I love you, I miss you, etc..." that people say when they're together and he and I know we're not together... Saying things like, he'll do anything for me and always be there and that he doesn't see us not being around each other for the rest of his life... I'm just not sure what the hell all this means and if it's worth hanging around and being his "friend" when I don't feel that he really gives a damn about me. I mean, he calls me a lot, we talk, but it's just something not right.

 

I think I'm having a hard time dealing with the dissappointment (knowing he's not who I was led to believe in the beginning) and the relationship ending, and I also think that in a way I just don't want to leave him alone because I want to be available should he change his mind, not necessarily because I want him in that way (considering I've gotten to know him and now I know he is not the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with) but because I want to have the satisfaction of being wanted by him... because not being wanted by him has made me insecure and anxious, self concious and doubtful of myself and everything.. like wondering - if I was so perfect to him and so his "dream girl" in the beginning, when did it change and why? he thought I was perfect and that our relationship was too... why am i not good enough for him anymore? While we were together, I gave him more than the necessary space... it was him who came to my house almost every day and night and him who called me everyday from work ( not to say that I wasn't happy or that I was detatched, I was more than good to him...) ... i never asked for him to tell me that we were "one", the same person, that I'm the best thing in his life and I never asked him to do things for me, he did of his own accord and then, POOF!, nothing...

 

I've never been this kind of person, when it's over, in my book, it's always been OVER... this crap with me and him drives me nuts, whether I leave him alone or not it's still there. I'm glad for the distance... just not for the WRECK that I've become.

 

I'm in a new place... I feel so horribly alone. I think in dealing with our relationship, I lost myself. I don't know my a** from my a**hole anymore. Just when I think I have a hold of things, something he said pops into my head again and then out come the tears and the almost handicapped state I get in. For a while I just wanted to lay on the couch and just pout... now, it's mostly these maddening thoughts i keep having of what he could be doing and who he's with, what he could see in them, that they might be better looking or better for him in general ... If it's over, then I shouldn't care, but I can't stand the thought and it makes me LITERALLY sick to my stomach. I love you means nothing anymore..... i just want to erase that we ever happened almost. I have things that I want to talk to him about, that I want to get off my chest but I know it's useless and after that last BAD conversation we had (in which he was yelling and I was calm..) I am done talking about "us" with him. I just want to be okay and not worry or wonder about him, just not care, I want to be myself again... So, I got to say my goodbye and I'm happy for that because I do feel it was necessary... but I'm still left with this UGH feeling... EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!

 

sorry if this is at all incomprehensible

 

:mad:

[dreamguy]

I don't think your post is incomprehensible at all.

 

On the contrary I think you had the guts to admit many things other don't confess like:

"in other words I wanted things to be pretty and happy and all fruit and flowers so that I could leave smiling because w/ all the bad times we still had a lot of good times".

 

And although you're the one who broke up with him (moved to the new state anyway) you still say:

"I just don't want to leave him alone because I want to be available should he change his mind, not necessarily because I want him in that way (considering I've gotten to know him and now I know he is not the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with) but because I want to have the satisfaction of being wanted by him... because not being wanted by him has made me insecure and anxious, self concious and doubtful of myself and everything.. like wondering - if I was so perfect to him and so his "dream girl" in the beginning, when did it change and why? he thought I was perfect and that our relationship was too... why am i not good enough for him anymore?"

 

Still you admit that you cannot get a hold of things:

"Just when I think I have a hold of things, something he said pops into my head again and then out come the tears and the almost handicapped state I get in. For a while I just wanted to lay on the couch and just pout... now, it's mostly these maddening thoughts i keep having of what he could be doing and who he's with, what he could see in them, that they might be better looking or better for him in general ... "

 

I think the reason why you're acting so confused is because there was no proper closure between you two. You just moved out to a different state and he didn't move with you. This is not what I would call a clear cut ending to a relationship. On the contrary, it leaves you both in a suspended state where time cannot do it's job of healing you. Time normally starts to heal when you admit to yourself that it's over. As long as you haven't done that, time can only prolong your pain and confusion. You gotta find a closure to this: Either by sitting down and thinking about it alone or by talking with him about it. Then and only then will time gradually start curing you from the suffering.

[aJoy]

thank you dreamguy

 

Ahhh... closure. I tried to have the closure talk... in fact, i said, " I NEED CLOSURE ".. and his response was "Closure from what? Nothing's gonna change." I told him that after a year of being with someone that YES I do need some kind of closure if it's over... So, talking to him about anything at all is completely useless. The very last day I was there, I tried to say goodbye to him and he started getting mad and yelling b/c according to him I was acting like we would never see each other again and ofcourse "he looooves me" so, there shouldnt be a problem at all (according to him) ... when really, to me, if we're broken up, then it shouldn't matter if we see each other again because we're broken up... I think he likes giving me false hope so he can keep me there. When he came down here the other day to see me, after two months... it was almost like nothing changed, we just fell back into our old routine and our old ways. You're so right, there is NO closure and I'm not exactly sure what closure is without the other person being involved in attaining that closure.

 

I just want to scream that I hate him I hate him I hate him, even though i really don't. But I'm mad at him for making me believe he was one way and then showing me he was another. Mad for all of his "i love you's" and his saying that he would do anything for me and always be there for me... I feel like, I dont' even know this guy anymore... like he has a million secret things going on in his life and maybe he has those things going on when we were together.

 

I'm a mess... I mean, I know that if you really do love someone you should not care about anything but their well being and their happiness and the rest should just fall into place and I know that you can't force someone who doesn't want you to want you nor should you waste time chasing after anyone... but I guess this being the first person I've ever loved I can't be too sure of anything anymore. relationships absolutely suck... this is exactly why I've stayed out of anything serious for almost my whole life until now... Besides all of that, I'm not sure if the love is real at all anymore, I think it might just be me lusting after something I can't have.. something that's been mine and now is no longer and as far as him loving me... I don't believe that either considering if you really love someone and you care about them, then those times that I was hurting because of him and he knew I was hurting he would have taken the time out to help me out (but, according to him, no one but yourself makes you hurt.. andwho the hell doesn't knw that anyway? it's different when you're in a relationship is what I think)...

 

there is absolutely no talking to him about anything... when the conversation gets too serious or it's too heavy he gets irritated, annoyed and eventually starts yelling and that just makes me shut up (i can't stand yelling). which really is just his way out, it's not like he can't handle a serious conversation but he basically once told me that if I have a problem with him and i can take care of it on my own then he'd rather not know. I've tried so many times to have talks with him since I've moved and even before, I've sent him long emails telling him where I stood with whatever and he always has the same crap to say "I love you" like that's the cure for everything.

 

GOD!!! I'm just so tired of crying. I still go out and do things, I don't really want to date just to date anymore (I'm TIRED) , I just need something to fill the void, to make me forget the pain I've been caused...

 

I'm so mad I wrote so much for him... I write a lot anyway and the closer we got over the year, the more open I became, the more "gay" stuff I wrote to him, poured my lil heart out... and it sickens me to think that he has my words somewhere, that he'll always know how much I was in love with him and I want to take it all back. I don't want him to have anything I've written for him... this bothers me more than anyone can imagine.. I feel so stupid for being so open and exposed and towards the end, when I was most open, getting nothing in return.

 

I'm sure eventually I'll be fine... but I'm in such a wierd place right now mentally that I don't know... it's suffocating to feel this way. I'm usually a pretty happy, easy going person, even cheerful.. but I just want to yell at everyone sometimes and be mad at the world... If I know he's not the one for me, then why do persist?

[dreamguy]

"The very last day I was there, I tried to say goodbye to him and he started getting mad and yelling b/c according to him I was acting like we would never see each other again and ofcourse "he looooves me" so, there shouldnt be a problem at all (according to him) ... when really, to me, if we're broken up, then it shouldn't matter if we see each other again because we're broken up... I think he likes giving me false hope so he can keep me there."

Right on ! He's giving you false hope to keep you there so he can get back to you if things don't work out between him and whoever he is seeing at the moment (or if can't find anyone to go out with soon in case he's not seeing anyone now).

 

"You're so right, there is NO closure and I'm not exactly sure what closure is without the other person being involved in attaining that closure."

The other person doesn't need to be involved. This is not a divorce and you don't need the couple's approval or signatures for that matter. If you can't find a way to put a closure to this on your own then I suggest you start going out with other guys (without getting romantically attached to them unless of course you think one of them really deserves it, not as a rebound but that he genuinely and truly deserves your affection because he has proven himself to you). According to what you say, that this is your first love, you seem pretty young. I suggest you go and see what's out there in the real world, plenty of fish in the sea. And if you're as you say "usually a pretty happy, easy going person, even cheerful" then you shouldn't have difficulties meeting new guys.

 

"he knew I was hurting he would have taken the time out to help me out (but, according to him, no one but yourself makes you hurt.. andwho the hell doesn't knw that anyway?".

"it's not like he can't handle a serious conversation but he basically once told me that if I have a problem with him and i can take care of it on my own then he'd rather not know"

Let me tell you what that is: This is called a completely absorbed and self-centered behavior. The most selfish and puny answer I've heard so far ! True relationships are about communication and sharing life's problems. Again, i'm talking about true relationships here. I'm not talking about true Love. True love can be defined as almost anything: Painful, Enjoyable, Confusing... I am not better placed than anyone on this forum to define Love. I don't think it can be defined as it's always a relative concept.

Besides, have you ever heard of the line "Nice guys always finish last ?". When you have a guy who does anything a girl asks and he is always there to comfort her when her bf, the "jerk" one, breaks her heart. How does it normally end ? Yes, the girl goes back to the "jerk" and the nice guy finds himself alone. Who is the person we remember the most after a break-up ? Yes, the one who hurts us the most, ignores us and treats us like sh***.

Weird human nature !! This is one of the main reasons why all the people who have had the experience tell you not to push your ex or cling to them. On the contrary, ignore them. Because you will strip away their power and self-satisfaction when you ignore them. Even if they do not come back to you, at least you will be sure that they will never forget you in the future and they will always consider you as the ONE person they could not CONTROL. The only case where this rule might not apply is when there are children involved in the relationship, then you have to make their well being a priority.

 

"it sickens me to think that he has my words somewhere, that he'll always know how much I was in love with him and I want to take it all back". You can't, unless you break into his house while he's asleep and search for those letters but it's not worth going to jail for

Besides, you meant every word at the time you wrote it. There's no need to feel bad about it. Let it go.

 

"If I know he's not the one for me, then why do persist?".

By the way, I'm sure you've heard Daniel Bedingfield's song "If You're Not The One".

This is the first slow song I danced to with my ex.

But I think the answer to this one lies within you. It has a lot to do with your past and your personality. You should think about the reasons. Sometimes there's just no reason. We just hate to admit failure that's all !

[aJoy]

Tonight on my way home from work I was thinking about things that I have learned from this relationship... things that I am going to be looking for, like a check list, the next time that I enter into a relationship. I don't mind dating right now, but I want to date different people with no expectations of it going anywhere, just fun and absolutely NO SEX until I am in a relationship again. Right now, I can't see myself being with anyone anyway but atleast, when I do get serious again I will know...

 

These are the things, that I can think of so far...

 

- our beliefs have to be somewhat alike, not really religion but values, morals and and and things like that...

- the words SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP have to mean the same things to both of us (basically, that conversation needs to be had before there even is a relationship)

- if I don't feel I get my way in a situation, there has to be compromise, not just a one sided "love me or leave me alone" kind of attitude

- I have to always keep myself first because no one will do that for you.

- My feelings have to matter to the person I date next even when they conflict with his.

-RESPECT

- Better communication.

 

I know that while looks are nice it is not important. It drives me crazy that my ex is always talking about how good I look and how "fine" I am as though it's the best thing about me. I also hate it that he is an idiot with lots of stupid ideas that he made up and strongly believes in that do not work for me. I hated it that he was always trying to put my beliefs down and try to tell me what was wrong with the way I am and then when I would let him know that he has no right to try to belittle me he would always say " well, if you felt belittled it must mean that you think you're a small person, that has nothing to do with me or what I said to you."

 

I hate it that he's so arrogant and conceited and NARCISSISTIC like nothing I've ever seen before. Always saying dumb sh** like how he's "the man", like he's just God's gift to the world... I don't know... being with this guy made me second guess myself a lot and the basic things that I always believed in suddenly didn't count when it came to him... Like how I always figured that if someone feels the need to tell the world that they're "the sh**" that it's really insecurity speaking because if you really believe that you're "the sh**" you don't need to tell anyone (especially not damn near everyday).

 

The next person I date will be a real man who doesn't need to put people down in order to make himself look better. I have never ever allowed myself to be put down and looking back I can see how I slowly lost myself by losing respect for myself and not standing up for myself when he was out of line so many times. I will not allow anyone to tell me again what kind of person I am, because I KNOW WHAT KIND OF PERSON I AM, and those who matter know what kind of person I am. If I have a problem with the next person that I am with, the problem will be resolved not just talked about in a way that is just analyzing me like I'm the one who screwed up. I've also always believed that it's every jerk-guy's way, to turn everything around and I let this one go every single time. (NEVER AGAIN!!!) Also, after a while, no matter what he did, I would just let it go or "forget about it" because really I just didn't want to let him go. Losing him made me look down on myself, like somehow I'm not good enough anymore, not pretty enough anymore not whatever enough and nobody should ever make you feel that way about yourself.

 

No matter what happens in this world whether you're alive or you're dead, you will always have yourself to deal with and nobody knows or can really care about you more than yourself. I think in a way he has this attitude down pat because he won't allow anyone to hurt him considering he's Mr.BIG PIMPIN and all that good stuff. GOD HIS HOLIER THAN THOU ACT PISSES ME OFFFFFFFFF!!! GRRRRR!!!!

 

The next person I date will be interested in going out and hanging out with me, not just sitting in the house with his friends and going places with his friends and OCCASIONALLY doing things with me.

 

All in all, I will be more careful. Cautious with my heart. Tonight, I'm not totally down... but it comes and goes so tomorrow I might be crying again. I'm angry, and I'm bitter, I've just moved and after being used to seeing him every day for a year it's hard to get used to the change and the lonliness I'm feeling right now. There's a wierd empty and aching place inside of me that almost feels solid... like I could go to the doctor and have it removed because I feel it so intensely (if that makes sense)... I wake up with it, I go to sleep with it and I walk around with it all day long, even tonight when I'm not totally down.

 

I guess I just have to keep in mind that life is short. You can't spend time mulling over the past (I know it's hard, I'm trying myself), yesterday is gone and if you believe in God when He closes one door another one opens. In the midst of my confusion and all the chaos in my head, that much is clear. Though I have never been hurt this badly before, I have been hurt, and it always gets better. My future is important to me and I have to get better and move on because I don't have a minute to waste (on morons like him). "One monkey don't stop the show", isn't that what they say?

 

I'm sad he's not in love with me anymore but only because I missed the attention he gave me. I'm bitter that he got away with so much crap. I'm angry that I'm so exposed to him. I'm missing what was good about what we had. But what's done is done. I live somewhere else now and I made the decision to move and my decision even further shows that it is OVER. He can go and date whomever he pleases and whatever happens there is not my concern. My concern is myself and what makes me happy and what makes me feel good and what makes me a better person FOR MYSELF!

 

Tomorrow I might be sad and crying again... I guess that's all natural and what not, I just hope that my hurting time passes soon.

 

dreamguy, I haven't heard that song, but I'm gonna download it before I go to sleep!! thanks again for your advice! :)

[sid3]

On the contrary, ignore them. Because you will strip away their power and self-satisfaction when you ignore them. Even if they do not come back to you, at least you will be sure that they will never forget you in the future and they will always consider you as the ONE person they could not CONTROL.

 

I have seen the light!

[Sunny3715]

Dreamguy, you have given some pretty great advice/insight. While I definitely feel you are right there is just one thing that I was iffy on. You suggested she go out with other guys. While I feel that is great advice it is sometimes hard not to get attached. I was happily dating this guy for 4 years. We never ever fought. My main conern was that I found myself compromising much more than he. My other main concern was that he had a very hard time communicating. And the lack of communication made us assume things and everything got messed up from that. I decided to take a break * even though I didn't want him to say ok. * Anyway so we pretty much kept things the same for the 6 months to follow. Basically like we never took a break but we weren't officially back together. Then I found out he had slept with someone. From that point I decided we were done being more than friends. It wasn't going to be both ways. We had mutual friends at this point and I started spending time with one of them. We were both kinda going through the same thing so it was very, very comforting to one another. Fortunately, and unfortunately we have definitely crossed the more than just friends category. This guy is great. We have a great time together. Its just really hard now because I still love my ex and dont know if things will work out someday, yet I really like this other guy. Granted I am only being more than friends with one of them right now, I dont know what I would do if I had to chose one to be with. I purposely chose not to go out on dates because I didn't want to get attached to two people. On accident it happened, and what is even worse if they are friends.

[dreamguy]

Sunny3715,

Your case is very specific. But I do agree with you. Dating other people after a break up is not the best solution or something one should always do. It's just that some people cannot get over their ex unless they date other people to break the chains tying them to the past.

 

sid3,

I have seen the light!

Glad I could help. I can only give my honest opinion about this. It's always up to other readers to take it or leave it. And I respect their decision no matter what.

 

aJoy,

The next person I date will be a real man who doesn't need to put people down in order to make himself look better

Excellent line. In fact, a real man would not only avoid putting people down to make himself look better, on the contrary, he would lift his friends up with him when he gets better.