Beyond bad 'FIRST TIME' experience. Beyond a mistake..

[Howsoonisnow]

Not sure how to start - Basically before all the small details are written out here's the short version - I've talked w/ my girlfriend previously about past relationships this and that - she told me the guy she lost her virginity to, after sleeping with him found out that he was RACIST. Apparently after sleeping with her a few weeks, and learning she was not just WHITE but also part syrian, and norweigan - he basically said they're not meant for each other - so - she stopped seeing him. However, apparently he wrote her letters and she wrote him back after the breakup. So they became 'friends' she met up with him and gave him a ride apparently to his Family Reunion a year after the breakup - nothing happened, they were just friends (or so im told) and after that - she never contacted him.. until - Then apparently 3 years later her and a friend went on a roadtrip to the city where he lived as they were visiting him (the first 'boyfriend') and also other friends who had moved to the city. So - my problem is that I now find out that while she was there thoes 3 days - she slept with him. Twice.

 

I asked her about everything. Also just to confirm this girl, my girlfriend is NOT racist at all - which is why I'm having a incredibly - INCREDIBLY hard time understanding how she went back and slept with him twice...

 

Let me tell you, I am not hung up on past lovers - they happen, it's not a big deal. I also don't hold it against her for making the mistake of trusting this guy, believing his lies and then sleeping with him - only to learn he got what he wanted and was done. (She is a very naive girl and hasn't had many partners) - She liked how he talked as he was a 'writer' and had 'shaggy' hair - She said she didn't know he was racist that he never ever talked about anyone or made any remark of anything racist, until AFTER having slept with her a few weeks which apparenly she overheard in a conversation with one of his friends who came over. Which she then got up and left.

 

First 'love' is difficult. Having sex for the first time is even more so I feel - I understand confusion and being caught up in all the new things and excitement - my problem is......... She slept with him years later. Two times after well-knowing he was not normal. (did she just push it out of her mind as he never talked to her about race?)

 

Her reasoning is that she 'just wanted to sleep with someone. said she had already had sex with him so thought to just do it and go home and not have to ever hear from him again'

 

Her background is very.. insecure - and just so you know she has only been with 3 people in her entire life, and shes over 30 years old - she doesn't sleep around - she is not like that at all. Family history is awful - her mother was emotionally abusive and her father was sexually abusive to her.

 

Basically she has been through so much - and I understand if she was confused.. but what I don't understand is WHY on earth she would go back and sleep with him after knowing who he really SECRETLY was. When I ask her about it she was in tears, manic - completely regretted it she says and wishes she could take it back. She is not proud of it in the least and is completely sick when she thinks about it.

 

So I guess my issue is that I don't know HOW to handle the feelings I feel when I think about her going back and having sex with him after knowing how SICK he is. IF I would put myself in her position and I was the one who slept with him, if he was my first sexual partner - and then if I learned like she did that he was racist - that would have been it. I would have tore him apart. I would have told him right then and there what a disgusting pig he was - It gos without saying I definitely wouldnt have went back and slept with him 2 times...

 

I understand people are different. I understand just because she didn't handle it like I would have doesnt make it wrong... but I just... I just feel so sick about it. It kills me to know her first time was with a pig like him, it detroys me to think about her going back and sleeping with him.

 

My opinion is either 1. I have no idea - and this will likly eat me up and destroy my relationship with an incredible person.

 

or

 

2. He was her first 'love' - she had no idea what sickness was actually inside him as she was just 19 - never in a relationship before, never had kissed anyone, never did anything at all with anyone. She has been deprived from her disgusting parents her entire childhood. As I said before her father molested her and her mother denied any of it and called her a whore bcause of it. I feel if I was raised in that environment it's possible I would feel empty or I would feel that I really wanted or needed to be loved so much so that I'd probably be desparate for it in a way - or I guess you know just beyond oblivious to obvious things.

 

 

Like I said she is one of the most incredible people with the HUGEST hearts ever to be exist. I sometimes wonder how two people such as her biological parents could have made such a great person. She is one in a trillion. I love her to no end. I just need help and opinions on what other people think about this kid of story/situation. Any are welcome. Ive never posted before so Im sure this is full of rambled, misspelled words - for that I apologize. Any advice or thought is welcomed.

 

Thank you.

[CC12]

Wait a minute. She's over 30 now and this happened when she was 19-23ish? So it's been almost a decade (or more) since she made these mistakes and you have a problem with it? Why? You weren't with her at the time, right? So the problem isn't that she cheated on you and you're not sure how to handle it, the problem is actually...well, what is the problem? If you can spell it out here and have it make sense to others, then maybe you can get some help with your issue.

 

But from what you've posted, the only advice I have for you is that you're being completely irrational and if you can't deal with someone's sexual past then maybe you shouldn't be with her or anyone. But it would be a terrible shame to end a relationship with an "incredible person" because of this, so please try to talk some sense into yourself.

 

I'll try to help with that:

 

She was young and inexperienced. She came from a terrible home life where she wasn't taught what healthy relationships are supposed to look like. She was also 19 years old, an age where bad decisions are almost a given. Whatever she did when she was barely an adult has nothing to do with you. So cut her some ****ing slack, please. Have some empathy. She's human. We all screw up and do stupid things. And hopefully we learn from mistakes. She told you she regrets it. Let it go.

 

 

As an aside, if you've ever said or done things (intentionally or unintentionally) to make her feel ashamed of what she did, then you should apologize to her.

[gaius]

Racism isn't a sickness, it's one irrational ideology in a world filled with them. My advice is to try and find a way to get over the fact your girlfriend slept with another man before you, an imperfect man at that. Don't ruin a good thing! I don't think you will find another girl that great with a history of only dating choir boys.