me with my fiancé and his online problems

[Star29]

Ive been with my fiance for 7 years and engaged for 2 ..i love my fiance and i know that i want to marry him. But I keep finding multiple porn sites on his phone...

 

i have done everything that i can think of to help but nothing is working he's made multiple promises to stop doing it but I just keep finding things over and over again.

he doesn't like to talk about it he always turns around or walks away, then says I promise I'm sorry I won't do it again.

i haven't learned how to talk about it without him becoming angry or upset, and i try to control my need to have him understand what it puts me through but it just hurts so bad...

 

i cant ignore it, but i can try everything to help if he can't take steps to fix the problem, what good does it do for me to go threw this??

 

I've blocked adult content on his phone but he just keeps unblocking it I feel like we're playing phone tag blocking and unblocking what can I do I'm so confused ??

 

i just don't know what to do but *i just needed to cry to someone.*

 

i can't tell our friends or family because i do not want to hurt him in other people's eyes..

 

*it makes me feel horrible.*

like i am his leftovers. i don't want him to touch me. i feel like i'm not good enough for him, like i don't please him, like i can't trust him.*

 

i feel like he has cheated on me and i'm only one of hundreds that he's gone through and when he can choose me or them sometimes he still chooses them.

 

it makes me think things that i don't want to think. like, why should i stay with him. i don't deserve this, i need better. and while i am aware of my needs to feel desired and to have trust and sexual integrity, i am also aware that this is an addiction that i do not know what it is like to have.*

 

would leaving him be like leaving someone who has a disease? can he help it? i go through periods where i can't get over my anger or my feelings of hurt, then i feel better, but only until next time.*

 

i feel so helpless and alone. if anyone can relate, i'd love to just talk about it, get some feelings out. or if anyone has advice, i'm in need of anything.*

 

i've tried books and website articles, but in the end i still feel alone. if anyone can talk to me it would be appreciated. thank you

Edited April 16, 2012 by Star29
Forgot words

[Radu]

How can you help someone who doesn't want to change ?

 

You can't, be glad you found this out now and not 10yrs into your marriage.

 

But if you still want to try it ... sound like he had no repercussions for his actions.

If the porn itself makes you worried, than you need to look into yourself and find out why is it that it makes you feel bad. Is it because you compare yourself with those women, is it because you are controlling ... find out what it is because it will help YOU.

You need to see the real cause of problem here. Most ppl would take the lying and the deceitfull nature of your fiance's actions as bad, not the porn.

If you want to stop the latter, just put a boundary on it. Have a talk with him and say that you are done playing this bull**** kindergarden game. If he continues to do this, you are gone.

If you still find this stuff (and you will), just leave.

But be gone for good.

 

PS: I'm not sure it's an addiction, but it sure reaks of immaturity.

Edited April 16, 2012 by Radu

[Star29]

I know that it is immaturity but I feel so helpless and lonely....I'm not controlling it makes me feel bad cause I love him and I feel like he's more into the girls on the sites and chat rooms more than me ....it's just not that easy to leave we have a child involved a almost 2 year old boy...I need help on how to get him to listen to me , every time I bring it up he gets very angry With me . I'm turning crazy here not knowing what next step should I take

[TaraMaiden]

His looking at porn is not the problem.

It's a symptom, not a cause.

There are deeper issues.

 

For both of you.

 

Your insecurity and lack of self esteem, his secrecy, lying and persistence.

You both need counselling.

Don't even think of marrying this man until you both have your heads on straight.

 

If he won't attend counselling, get yourself IC, and get your head straight.

Then leave, and seek child support.

[Radu]

OP, let me explain something to you.

 

Do you know that the prisons are full of innocent ppl ?

Or at least that's what they see themselves as.

These ppl have convinced themselves that they are innocent, they are a victim of the system, it was self-defense that i killed my son ... he was driving me nuts, it wasn't my fault that i stole all that money ... i needed it and others stole from me anyway.

If the prison system around the world is incapable of reforming someone who doesn't want to be reformed, and these ppl are suffering repercusions for their actions ... what makes you think that someone who has suffered no repercusions has any chance of reforming ??

 

As for the look into yourself part, do it ... don't just dismiss it, your insecurity is showing and you are pretty much posting with the same attitude of 'it can't be me' as he is showing you.

Maybe we are wrong, it's entirely possible ... but do you really want to have a better life or just a patched up one ?

 

PS: TM is right, long term i don't think you should stay with this man, but don't believe for a second that his actions haven't taken their toll on you. You need help too.

[KeepMeInMind]

Just looking at porn, or talking to women in chat rooms? Those are two very different things.

[CarrieT]

Totally agree with everything JustAPoster and Tara wrote.

 

Do not marry this man; let him find a woman who isn't so uptight about porn - there are enough of us around who don't cry and wail about it and find it a healthy release to one's sexuality.

 

The OP needs to find a man who will never look at porn? Unlikely...

[TigerCub]

Hey Star,

 

I can understand what you're saying. But here are a few things to consider:

 

- Watching porn for a release isn't the same as being physical with someone.

- Just because your partner finds other women attractive (and he will, real or in porn/movies), that doesn't mean that you are any less attractive.

 

- The insecurity you have towards porn, I will say is most likely caused because you compare yourself and you don't think that you're as pretty or as perfect bodied and some of the girls there - but you need to maybe examine why you think that way, and how you really feel about yourself.

 

- The only time I would say porn is a problem in a relationship is if your partner is wacking off to porn and you're not getting yours in that relationship. If porn is replacing sex and you're not sexually satisfied - then yes, I'd agree that its a problem.

 

- Also: This one is important: When you tell someone NOT to have something - its going to be the only thing they think about.

 

-Your bf may actually try to "be good" and not look at porn. He probably does that so that you don't feel bad, but then its and urge and its the only thing on his mind because its now an issue and is "forbidden" so of course he's gonna do it, he'll feel ashamed and guilty after that, and try to be good again, and it'll just turn into this weird cycle.

 

-I know that you don't want to be his mom, but policing his phone and his behavior is really not going to bring him closer to you.

 

I think sex life is a good barometer for a relationship. If its good, the couple is close and connected and affectionate and there is usually a good sex life.

 

So maybe you should really look at your R, see what's wrong (other than the porn) and see if it can be worked out with the 2 of you.

 

If his porn is occasional and not interfering with your sex life with him, then its probably nothing to worry about. If it is - then you definitely have bigger issues to address.

 

Good luck to you.

[findingnemo]

I thought I was under-reacting when I first read the OP. Is this a porn addiction? I don't think so. Is watching porn a bad thing? Nope. Unless he spends all his time watching it, doesn't work and would rather watch porn, doesn't want sex and would rather masturbate to porn, etc. Does he do any of those things?

 

If not then you have the problem, not him. You don't like porn, right? So how come you are still with a man who does? Have you watched what he's watching? You may change your mind and tell him to watch it with you. It's worth a try.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

Can you speak to frequency?

Are you finding 400 page views each and every day?

Or do you find 4 in one week?

 

Outside of what might amount to an addiction, viewing porn is a healthy outlet ( in moderation and IMO). It has ZERO to do with YOU or you not being good enough. And by healthy outlet I mean he isn't pursuing random hookers or women in bars.

 

Is he substituting porn for actual intimacy with you?

 

The real issue here is not so much porn but communication. You both strike me as childish and immature with this stupid game. Sit him down and have a very frank discussion on this.

Why does he view porn?

Why do you feel that it is cheating?

Have you tried watching it together?

 

Walk down that path first.

Then try couples counseling.

And if he refuses to talk then decide if you wish to continue the R with a man who refuses to talk to you about personal and deeply private issues. Personally, if he doesn't want to talk about it and rebuffs efforts to approach this like an adult, I'd walk.

[frozensprouts]

is the problem that he's watching pron, or is it that he knows it bothers you, but rather than talk with you about it so that you understand why he watches it and so that you can address this issue between you together, he just shuts down?

did he watch it this much when you first got together, or is this new?

 

If it bothers you, then he needs to at least talk to you about why he watches it so that you can both understand where the other person is coming from and hopefully come up with a solution that works for both of you.

 

If all he's doing is watching it every now and again, it's not a big deal except that,f or whatever reason ,it bothers you, Tell him it bothers you and why. If it's an issue you it maing you feel insecure, tell him that. Give him a chance to explain his point of view. If you are both just willing to talk about it, I have a feeling things will be a lot better. But be careful that you approach it with an open mind and don't judge him for his actions...be open to what he has to say...you may find you were more worried than you had to be

 

If his habit is starting to interfere with other areas of his life ( his job, his sex life with you, if he is spending so much time online that he's neglecting other areas of his life) you have a problem. If that's the case, counseling may help...

[lv1028]

How often does he do it? Does he avoid contact with you and choose that outlet? Was he ever honest about it with you earlier in your relationship and you got upset so he did it behind your back? Did you ever watch it together? Blocking his phone??? He isn't your child. I guess you have to figure out if it is an addiction or just occasional. Men are visual creatures. If it's an addiction, then it will be affecting his daily life negatively. If it's just occasional, then it seems like it might be less his problem and more about your tolerance of it. You have to decide if you can live with it.