Still Struggling

[Yikes]

I have been separated for one year now. My wife had an affair with one of my closet friends. She had been sneaking around with him for three years before I found out. I was banging my head against the wall trying to get her to open up to me, to quit pushing me away. She always had excuses and always assured me that "we" were not in trouble. So I just sucked it up and learned to get by assuming she was doing the same thing. One day I found a letter to her boyfriend. Everything changed from that moment. It was like getting kicked in the groin - twice.

 

She begged me for a second chance. Our kids were 7 and 11 at the time. I was not really prepared to pull the plug and devastate my kids until I KNEW that I had done everything I could to fix things. We tried counselling but my wife bailed after about three sessions. She said the counsellor was not helping, it was just all common sense. So what now? Do you want to find one that doesn't use common sense? If common sense was used we wouldn't even be in this mess. What really happened was this cousellor said something that she didn't like, so that was it. No soup for you.

 

I have to shorten this up or this will take forever. We moved to a new house, tried the "new start" thing. As soon as I started seeing the same old signs, I did some investigation work only to discover she was up to her old tricks again. That was a year ago, pretty much right now. I told here that we were finished. We (read me, she sat there and said nothing, I had to try to find the words) told the kids as soon as their school year finished at the end of June. We finally each moved out of our family home and into places of our own by mid October of 2003. I have been focusing on the kids (we share them equally a week about) and getting settled etc. My wife had a guy in her life right away (and she was still seeing my ex-friend off and on, who by the way is still with his wife)

 

I am struggling with so much right now. I am struggling emotionally, financially. One day I feel pretty good, the next I'm sad, or angry. One thing I know is I don't want her back. Money is tight but I am being careful and everythng is getting paid. I am sure she will be into serious money problems because she cannot handle money - she is just aweful.

 

I have been lonely for so long now, that I can do lonely standing on my head. I swear I was probably the loneliest married man going.

 

I am miserable the week that the kids are with her. I am continually aprehensive about situations where I might run into "him" at kids sporting events or school functions. He and my wife have recently been busted by a few of my friends secretly meeting. His wife has no clue what he is up to. Part of me wants to punch his ticket and tell her, but the common sense part of me says just stay out of it and focus on the things that make my life better. Let him sink his own ship.

 

I find myself staying at home more often than not, doing yard work, cleaning the house and the car. Having a clean and organized house and car at least makes me feel a little better about my life. It keeps me busy and it doesn't cost much.

 

How do you ever let anyone close again? How do people do it? My confidence has been pounded into the ground. If it's just me and the kids, I am in control and it's "safe". Very lonely, but safe.

 

Anyone have any thoughts?

[SingleInTheCity]

First, I am truly sorry that you have been subjected to such a terrible act of deception by not only your wife but your friend. My suggestion for your anger is therapy, because at this point divorce seems inevitable. Group therapy might be a good way to find people who are experiencing similar traumas and you can lean on and grow with.

 

I am a strong believer in faith and I know that time heals all wounds. I truly believe that god never gives us more than we can handle so there is a life lesson is this pain for you. When your children are away with their mother dive into things you enjoy - hobbies - keep yourself as busy as possible and I also suggest writing in a journal. It's helpful in managing your anger.

 

As for your estranged wife and former friend - their karma is truly disturbed for this and they have much heartache ahead for their misdeeds. Your focus should be on you and healing yourself. Realize that what the next person did was not a result of anything you did but just that they had issues within themselves. Get strong for your kids because when your ex wife comes crawling back AND SHE WILL when the former friends' wife files for divorce, your heart needs to be able to forgive her for being weak but not subject yourself to any further hurt or pain.

 

And again, as time passes you'll meet someone who earns your respect and your trust and you will slowly but surely let them in.

 

Good luck!

[Karlise13]

God, that's really awful.

 

I have been lied to and betrayed before too....but nothing like what you're going through.

 

For the next year or so, concentrate on building as strong a relationship as you can with your kids.

 

Also, is there a divorce support group in your area? Networking with people who have gone through the same thing might help. Would also be a good social outlet.

 

Go to the gym, work out, eat good food, get lots of rest, take vitamins, keep yourself healthy.

 

Maybe one-on-one therapy would be helpful too?

 

It will take time to recover. Time really does heal wounds. It's amazing. Things you never think you'll survive, you do

 

Good luck

[TempSain]

Sorry to hear your sad story.

People can be so cruel. I had a similar experience right after college.

I will tell you, the best thing to do is focus on yourself for the moment.

When I was betrayed, I totally absorbed myself into work. In actuality it helped me become successful.

Go to the gym if you already have a membership, if not, you can always do things like running or other inexpensive things. Remember, doing these things will help you and that's what is important now.

 

As for the lonelyness part, it will take time. I know it hurts like hell right now but, there will be better days.

I know, as I went through it. Also, you may want to get a dog. Dogs are great. they really cheer you up.

[msrealdoll]

I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup. You do sound, though, like you're handling it very well. You sound like a strong, loving person.

 

It takes a long time after a breakup to adjust to being alone. Even when there is no love left in a relationship, it sometimes seems better than living alone. But soon you will adjust, and might even come to relish your time alone. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.

 

I suggest you get out and join some sort of group, perhaps associated with a hobby you enjoy. Something like a reader's club, or take a class to learn a new hobby you've been interested in. It will take your mind off of the past, and fill up some of that extra time with something productive.

 

I think it's great you've opted not to tell the guy's wife. Don't involve yourself in any games like that. It will only prolong any pain and resentment you feel. Doing the 'right thing' will help to increase your self confidence, something you need right now.

 

As for learning to trust again-you will do that in time. Once you have gotten over this bitter disappointment, you'll move on and find someone new. It's very hard to do after what you've been through. But one day, your desire to share you life again will override any fear you have.

 

You may be suffering from feelings of responsibility for the failure of the relationship. You may be questioning whether you're desirable or lovable. Those are normal feeling, even though you are the victim. In time, you will come to realize that you deserve all the love and happiness you can find and that your are a very lovable person.

 

Give yourself time and space. Learn how to be happy on your own. Things will start to fall into place for you. Good luck!

[quankanne]

It sounds like you're still grieving the end of your marriage, and that's all right, because that period varies from person to person. However, it's also all right to seek help from a qualified counsellor, who will give you the tools to reclaim your life -- you will have done yourself a great favor just by possessing these tools and applying them to your life as you heal from your broken marriage.

 

As for the other thing, about how you find love again ... it happens, but only if you allow yourself to be open to it, no matter HOW scary it feels. One thing working in your favor is that you now know what kind of woman you don't want in your life, so you can just filter those gals out more quickly than before and concentrate on those who are the better picks of the crew. It might take many attempts or it might just take one, but however many tries you take, don't give up.

 

Think of it this way: every love relationship you experience (even the broken ones) takes you one step closer to the love you're meant to have in this lifetime. Somewhere, there's a woman who is going to come along and make you realize that all the painful stuff you suffered at the hands of your wife is really pretty small potatoes compared to love this person gives you. So keep your sights set on her, on the love you are meant to have and will eventually meet, not on your ex.

 

Your love is out there, I promise ....

[reservoirdog1]

My first piece of advice is based on the assumption that you're interested in fixing your marriage if at all possible. If you are, tell OM's wife. Do it soon. There are a few reasons. Firstly, if you were in her shoes (as indeed you were!), wouldn't YOU want to know what was going on? Secondly, affairs cannot thrive without secrecy. It sounds like a number of other people know except OM's wife. If you tell her, it will make it that much harder for him to carry on with your wife. You need her as an ally right now, working to save her marriage from her end while you work from yours.

 

The rest of my advice stands whether or not you want her back. Start looking after yourself. Start going to the gym and getting in shape, if you aren't already. Join clubs or organizations. Volunteer for causes. Get involved in politics. Take up a new sport (especially team sports -- most cities have leagues that anybody can join). Take up a new hobby you've always wanted to try, or revisit one that you gave up.

 

The benefits of doing those things are manifold. Firstly, being active and fit will make you more attractive to the opposite sex, which will do wonders for your self-esteem. Secondly, the activities will keep you busy and help keep your mind off your situation. Thirdly, your activity and an outward visual impression that you are getting on with your life will cause your WW to have second thoughts. Nothing bugs a WS more than realizing that the person they betrayed is doing fine without them, and especially that other people are interested in them.

 

Finally, get into individual counselling for yourself.

 

Good luck brother...

[Yikes]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

 

I have actually been doing some of those things anyway, and will try to do more.

 

I have absolutely NO desire to reconcile. I am a very patient man. She had her second chance already and blew it. The only thing that giving her the second chance proved was that she STILL could not be trusted. The things that she was doing became patterns of behaviour and deception, they were not slip-ups. The lying especially. She would lie about her feelings, what she was doing, who she was with, money matters. She made promises that she did not even remotely intend to keep. She mistook my patience for a lack of backbone.

 

Much of what I am dealing with concerns two sets of kids, mine and those of the other family. His wife knows some of what has gone on. I think the world of his kids, I held them in my arm when they were hours old. I don't think that I can handle being the one that causes everything to hit the fan. I also believe that his wife might just be looking the other way. They have been seen by several people lately, it is just a matter of time. If it gets back to me, then I'm sure it will get back to her. When the crap hits the fan, I'd rather not get hit with the spray. Also coming from me, there would be those who'd say I was just bitter and was trying to get even any way I could. No sir, he can screw this up on his own... and he is doing just that.

 

For me anyway, I think that I am better focusing on positive things like my kids and try not to worry about what is out of my control. I tend to problem solve very logically, but I also am quite sensitive and emotional. Fortunately my logical side tends to be stronger right now. I cannot protect his kids. I cannot even protect my kids from this, because when it all falls apart, this will really upset them too. I can be there for them though.

 

Sleeping though has been a MAJOR problem. I tend to think too much and worry at bedtime. Gotta work on that one.

 

On a side note... while I have been a pretty down the last few days, I do want to make it clear that I am not looking for sympathy. Sympathy does no one any good. (after I re-read my original post, I felt I may have come across that way)

 

Cheers.

[TempSain]

2 things:

 

1. alot of us are going through or have gone through similar things and we don't think that your asking for sympathy.

 

2. We're anonymous here so who cares?

 

By the way, I try not to think about anything at night (while trying to sleep).

You start to worry about everything if you do. Just imagine looking at a blank TV screen and it makes you fall asleep real fast.

[quankanne]

Just imagine looking at a blank TV screen and it makes you fall asleep real fast

 

quank grins as she sees that classic image of Man Falling Asleep In Front of TV set in her head ...

 

just be sure to leave the remote where someone can find it to shut the dang TV off, and DON'T fall asleep with the thing in your hand so your kids have to wrestle it out of your death grip!!!

 

seriously, try some kind of relaxation technique. my husband has a CD with sounds of rain (track 1) and a thunderstorm (track 2) which he plays when the fall-asleep-in-front-of-the-boob-tube trick doesn't work. he swears the storm relaxes him enough to fall asleep. maybe visualizing someplace peaceful would do the trick; maybe a boring book or even some lengthy bedtime prayers would help, just try different things until you find one that works. A long soak in the tub also helps de-stress you.

 

another suggestion: don't try to fall asleep on an empty stomach, otherwise you will be fighting sleep for a good long time. Even a glass of warm milk or hot chocolate will help soothe your tummy by making it feel full, and you don't risk the chance of your blood sugars dropping during the night, thus forcing you awake for reasons you can't figure out why (a glass of Ovaltine usually does the trick for me if I wake up like that in the middle of the night).

 

quank

[Paradise]

Originally posted by Yikes

I find myself staying at home more often than not, doing yard work, cleaning the house and the car. Having a clean and organized house and car at least makes me feel a little better about my life. It keeps me busy and it doesn't cost much.

 

How do you ever let anyone close again? How do people do it? My confidence has been pounded into the ground. If it's just me and the kids, I am in control and it's "safe". Very lonely, but safe.

 

Anyone have any thoughts?

I assume that you're separated but still married. First and foremost, you need to get a divorced. You need to look after you assets such as pension, as she will be looking into it, unless she has more than you do. It takes time get adjusted, but with time you will find someone. Just remember that happiness is from within.....

[Yikes]

The separation agreement is done and signed which outlines all financial details. As my lawyer explained it to me is that she is only entitled to a portion of my pension up to the date that we separated last year (June 30). I cannot divorce her until we have been legally separated for one full year anyway but that would be very shortly. From my standpoint, I have no desire to reconcile with her... ever. It would put to rest any hopes the kids might be secretly hanging on to that we get back together and for me, closes this painfull chapter in my life. Besides, I cannot think of any reason NOT to just get it over and done with.

 

One last reason (maybe some women here may provide some insight) is that I have been told that many women do not want to get involved with a man who is separated, they need to be completely unattached as it removes any fears that the guy will go back to his ex.

 

I am quite sure I'll have to pay the full shot because I have a feeling she is going to be angry or hurt that I am wanting to divorce her so quickly. I expect she will take it as an insult or that I am TRYING to hurt her, which would most definitely not be the case.

 

I need to finish paying my legal bill from the separation agreement first.