SingleInTheCity Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I have read countless professions of love and I am curious what the board's opinion is on [color=blue][font=times new roman]THE DEFINITION OF LOVE[/font][/color] and some insight into the first time you fell in love and how you knew it was love and not lust . Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t37529/?highlight=definition+AND+love This was asked before, but there were only 7 responses. For me the definition changes depending on what type of love we are talking about. Leaving out the love we have for our children, siblings, parents, pets, and friends and only consider romantic love--- There were times I defined it as: *A bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair. *A cruel trick or mutation of the human species (we lost our prehensile tail--something that would really have come in handy, and grew this mutated emotion that destroys slowly) *Real 'life's blood' and something that once we have given and received, we cannot live without *The most excruciating pain we ever hope to endure, and well worth every speck of pain Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 There are several components of the emotion we call love. The poets have tried to describe love throughout the ages. But what exactly is love? The first component of love is physical attraction. that is to say that one will want to mate with someone else. But if sexual attraction is all there is, then what we are dealing with is not love, but lust. This is a purely animal instinct that arises from the most primitive part of our brain - the limbic system. Sexual attraction serves a biological purpose. When when someone turns us on, it is our mind's way of telling us: "this man/woman has good genes and will make healthy babies." In this regard we are exactly the same as all other higher animals. We all have emotional needs for which we seek fulfillment from others. There are some needs that are common to both sexes, but there are several that are gender-specific. For example, both sexes want to feel that they are desired, that their partner holds them in higher regard than others, want tenderness, etc. Women specifically want to feel they are being protected, emotionally safe, etc. Men want to be respected, allowed to be emotionally open without being vulnerable, etc. There are several other common and gender-specific enotional needs. These need vary form individual to individual. When we meet someone to whom we are sexually attracted and who meets our emotional needs, we experience the emotion we call love. The emotion serves to bond a man and woman together so that they will work together to achieve a common goal: to produce offspring and rear them to reporductive age. So love serves the purpose of driving our biological imperative. It's exactly the same for gay people, only they have a same-sex preference. After we select a mate, love changes. The same motivations are there, but we develop a deeper regard for our mates. As we accumulate common experiences together, the bond becomes deeper. In addition, as we move through life's stages our emotional needs change. If we keep in mind that we must continue to meet our mate's needs, we will continue to love one another. But all to often we completely screw it up. We forget that for love to survive, we must continue to meet our mate's emotional needs. We make the mistake of thinking that love is self-perpetuating; that it has a life of its own. But it doesn't. For love to last, both partners must actively work to keep love alive. Too often, we focus on our own needs and disregard those of our mate. When we do this, love begins to die. For this reason, one of the first goals marital therapy is to reestablish intimacy and help a couple feel love for one another again. Once this has been achieved, it is a rather simple matter for a troubled couple to work through the issues that have put their marriage in jeopardy; they are motivated to do so. There's an old saying that if you want your marriage to last, court your partner, just as if you were still dating, until the day you die. In our society, we have lost track of this ancient knowledge. Some people even deny it. We have discounted gender roles and insist that men and women have the same needs. We don't. Most importantly, we have been taught that we put our needs and wants first. But you can't do this if you want a loving relationship to last. You must always place your lover's needs before your own and he/she must do the same for you. We do an awful job of this anymore. If your lover isn't meeting your needs, you will be compelled to find one who does. This is why the rate of infidelity in the US is now 42% for men and 41% for women (that's right gals, you've caught up with us guys when it comes to cheating) and the primary reason that the divorce rate exceeds 50%. How do you know the difference between love and lust? Experience. This is why moms and dads encourage their teeaged children to go slowly and carefully in affairs of the heart. When we are so young, our sexual urges are strong, but we lack the self-awareness required to know and understand what our emotional needs are. For this reason, adults often refer to teenaged love as "puppy love." That the love teenagers feel for one another is wrong or not real love, but only that if is love without experience. We know that as teenagers mature into adults, their emotional needs are going to change dramatically and the lover who meets a 17 year old's needs in all probability is not the lover who can meed that same individual's needs at age 25. Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 WOW Hokey that was deep. I was looking for the Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I have found 2 types of love and I can never decide which one is better. 1 type - all you see is each other and everything else becomes a blur b/c your whole world is spinning and the 2 of you are the axis. 2nd type- he makes you spin and feel so strong and competant that the whole world comes in clearer b/c you know you can conquer it. The 1st one is so emotional and passionate - it's what songs and poems are made of. But it never seems to last and it makes for the most heartwrenching seperations. You never get over them or the way you felt and part of you will always long to feel that way again. I just don't have the energy to sustain that type of relationship. Call me weak. The 2nd type is more stable and kind- that's the type that barring outside influence will lead to my marriage. The only tarnish is my secret longing for the passion and emotion of the 1st type. When these relationships end you truly do go on as a better person b/c the entire scene is so nurturring and makes you stronger. My current BF is the 2nd type and I love him dearly. We plan to marry when he finishes college but I always worry that my longing for the spin out of control love makes me unworthy of him. I know those relationships are doomed for me and I am happy w/him but I don't know how to kick the shadows that want that all consuming type. Any thoughts on this? Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Hokey, Have you been reading Plato? BTW, did you know that what we call "romantic love" today is an idea that is only about 600 years old? In Plato's time, fraternal love (what we now call platonic love) was the highest form. Sexual love (our romantic love) was considered somewhat base; something that the well adjusted person kept in check lest it take over hisr reason and ruin his life. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I think this site does an excellent job of describing love - romantic, companionate, and both together. http://www.relationshipsandlove.com/goodstuff2.htm Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 I have read Plato -- but not in many years! I was speaking from my own feelings and experience and directing it for romantic love (thanks for the good link to the description Moimeme - we've been through a lot of that in our counseling sessions. A good example of companionate love is Ronald & Nancy Reagan.) Unconditional love -- what I feel for my children and my dogs. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will ever end that love, not even their deaths. I think that some people confuse infatuation for love, or love of one or a few aspects of a person as love for that person. Some folks just want so much to be loved that they are in love with love and not with a certain person--they apply love and expectation to different people like a mask and fool themselves into thinking the love they desire comes from that person and not the mask they have applied. Most of us do something like this at least once in our lives, some folks go through their entire lives doing this, and a rare few actually make it through life without any heartbreak at all because they somehow - instinctually or intellectually - understand the differences and never make a choice (fall in love) with someone for the wrong reasons. I do think that a true and honest love hurts sometimes. I think its the nature of the beast to be that way. But I also think that a painless existence would be boring and sad too. Link to post Share on other sites
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