Solution besides divorce?

[oohgrrl]

Here is a little background: My husband and I have been together 17 years, married 8. We have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. He has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, PTSD from childhood torture/abuse and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He is on meds for all and has made alot of improvement. He is an everyday marijuana (MJ) user.

 

I was fine with this when we met since it was all I knew. My parents and relatives are all users too. I have never tried it and hate the smell. He spends $600/month on this habit which frustrates me because 95% of my money goes to bills. He also contributes but has this extra for himself where I could only dream of having half of that to do things for myself. I do make more money than he does but he also takes care of our son when I am at work. I work nights/weekends/holidays which makes daycare impossible to find. Some might say to spend more of my money on myself but that would mean certain bills would go unpaid.

 

He is now on probation and failed 10 drug tests. He was sent to jail for 23 days because of this even though he knew in advance what the consequences would be. I am 8 months pregnant and only getting 3 hours of sleep/day was horrible while he was there. I had to do this because I had no one to watch my son during the day. When he was in he promised to quit but smoked 3 days after he got out. This was like a slap in my face! I told our neighbors that he was out of town to save face but when he got out he told them the truth so now I am a liar in their eyes!

 

While he has this $600/month to spend on MJ, I rarely get birthday/Christmas gifts because he claims he doesn't know what to give me. I say it means he puts his desires first.

 

We have 3 other neighbors that are single women our age. We both like them and he smokes MJ with them often. I am jealous of this relationship for several reasons. One of them is a stripper and 2 are pretty and dress very revealing. My husband does not like my body even though I am the same size as when we met. I suppose that is the same as me being fine with his drug use originally and not wanting it now. I did lose 23 lbs but all he said was "You have a long way to go." (about 25 more). I do not believe that anything inappropriate is going on w/these women as they only date black men and I have never seen anything to indicate otherwise. I am jealous mostly of the smiles and compliments and good moods he displays around them. Around me he is depressed and silent but says it is not me.

 

I suffer from low-self esteem, can you tell? I saw a psychiatrist as part of my employment terms and he disagreed with my self-diagnosis. I avoid people and don't have many friends outside of work because I am embarrassed of my husband's drug use and going to jail. My family are all drug users so they think I am the wrong one. Everytime my husband and I talk about it we scream and I cry. It is unproductive and pointless. I am at a loss. Sorry so long. Thanks for any advice.

[analystfromhell]

I really don't understand why anyone would stay in the situation you describe. If you haven't tried to get some counseling and have insurance, it might be useful to talk with someone (other than your husband).

[tomswife]

Sorry to be sounded hopeless but if I were in your place I would leave the guy. He spends $600/mo in MJ he will have a to spend $$$$ to get out of it and a WHOLE LOT of will power. It is much easier to get in to drug but very hard to get out of it. The MJ use though is not even a big problem when compare to the fact that he never gives you a gift because he doesn't know what you need. How about hiring a babysitter for a few hours so that you could catch a nap!

[standtall]

Wow..it sounds like he is married to weed and not you. Give him an ultimatum...weed or his family. You can change him or quit his addiction for him..you can only change the way you deal with him.

[quankanne]

i admire you for wanting to fight for your marriage, but please understand that your husband is nowhere near ready to make that same commitment if he's not putting you or the kids first. Loving him is never the problem, but deciding how much you're going to take *is* ... because when someone is that selfish and refuses to what's best for the relationship, it pretty much shows they're probably never going to do what's best for y'all.

 

please know that calling it quits isn't giving up on what you have with him, but that sometimes, it's about doing what's healthiest for everyone involved. With two babies in the mix, it's probably time to put their needs first, and worry about loving their daddy second if it means giving them the kind of secure, less stressful life they deserve.

[turnera]

Go to United Way and tell them that you need help setting yourself up to move out and start a life without him. DO that. Move out.

 

He needs real help and he will NEVER get it as long as you are there for him.

 

Do this for HIM.

 

If you move out and he is left alone, he will either fall flat on his face - and you don't want THAT person watching your children - or he will pull himself up and learn to stand on his own and get help and then MAYBE come back a better man. Either way, you've done the right thing for you and your kids.

[The Blue Knight]

Unfortunately oohgrrl you married a doper and his first love is Mary Jane and you take a backseat.

 

That seldom changes and if he's been doing it this long and with your blessings, it's probably not likely to change.

 

On top of that he's in trouble with the law.

 

As you yourself pointed out, he has $600 a month for his recreational MJ so he can escape whenever he wants too. That's $7200 a year! And now you're having more children with this guy?

A good man, a good husband, a good father . . . would find a way to spend that money on his loved ones. He'd plan a vacation for the kids or a nice getaway with his wife. He's a selfish loser as is the case with almost every doper I've met.

 

There's not much I can say. Sounds as if you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married a selfish "poor me" doper. That's the bottom line and now you're stuck with what you've got.

 

Personally, I have no idea how you put up with it. I'd move on and leave him in a heartbeat. He'll just continue a life of bad decisions and he will continue to drag you down with him. That's almost always the case.

[oohgrrl]

Thank you for your blunt words. Honestly, alot of it is pretty much what I have already thought inside.

 

After having time to calm down and took a nap, I realize that there were some important things that I have left out, and alot of what I typed was in anger.

 

Besides the $600/mo he had been spending on MJ, he hands me the rest of his money for bills/whatever. He does contribute but I don't think he trusts himself with money.

 

He does most of the housework besides cooking. All of the cleaning, laundry and yardwork. He also takes care of our son 50%, unlike many fathers. He always fills my gas tank (with his money) and washes and maintains my vehicle without me asking. Alot of this is why it was so hard to have him gone the 23 days. Probably not good enough reasons to stay married though, right?

 

He is really bad about birthday/Christmas gifts but has surprised me with a few other gifts out of the blue like gift certificates for a pedicures.

 

I just feel extremely stupid. I knew he was like this when we met and it seemed completely normal to me at age 17 and on. The other BIG thing is that our faith does not condone divorce for these reasons. I am sure they don't condone the drug use either. I found an old email from a friend that recommended a Christian counselor and I am going to make an appointment. Both of us have suggested couseling to each other in the past but then we fail to act on it. Thanks to you all, I am going to do it this time. That doesn't mean it will help anything, but I want to be able to say that I tried everything possible to save the marriage before giving up.

[The Blue Knight]

Thank you for your blunt words. Honestly, alot of it is pretty much what I have already thought inside.

 

After having time to calm down and took a nap, I realize that there were some important things that I have left out, and alot of what I typed was in anger.

 

Besides the $600/mo he had been spending on MJ, he hands me the rest of his money for bills/whatever. He does contribute but I don't think he trusts himself with money.

 

He does most of the housework besides cooking. All of the cleaning, laundry and yardwork. He also takes care of our son 50%, unlike many fathers. He always fills my gas tank (with his money) and washes and maintains my vehicle without me asking. Alot of this is why it was so hard to have him gone the 23 days. Probably not good enough reasons to stay married though, right?

 

He is really bad about birthday/Christmas gifts but has surprised me with a few other gifts out of the blue like gift certificates for a pedicures.

 

I just feel extremely stupid. I knew he was like this when we met and it seemed completely normal to me at age 17 and on. The other BIG thing is that our faith does not condone divorce for these reasons. I am sure they don't condone the drug use either. I found an old email from a friend that recommended a Christian counselor and I am going to make an appointment. Both of us have suggested couseling to each other in the past but then we fail to act on it. Thanks to you all, I am going to do it this time. That doesn't mean it will help anything, but I want to be able to say that I tried everything possible to save the marriage before giving up.

 

Well that's because most dope users grow up and put it aside when they become men.

 

I'm a bit confused by your last paragraph. Your faith doesn't condone divorce? Whose faith? Yours, his, or both of you? You answered what was on my mind. He's a user and assuming he's a member of your faith (I'm not sure what that means) why would he need something to alter his state of consciousness? Additionally, he's hanging with the neighborhood strippers? I'm assuming he's not conveying his faith to them.

 

I'm a Christian. I can't imagine why someone who is serious about their Christian faith would need anti-depressants, alcohol, and illegal drugs. Our faith is supposed to fill that gap that others need mood altering substances for.

 

Perhaps he's a decent guy, but my experience and I can give you a lot of stories as someone in law enforcement for the past 20 years is, you don't change someone who is addicted very easily. I can happen, but it's an up-road climb. Normally I'd suggest something like Teen Challenge as they've been very successful in this area and of course they handle adults who are addicts.

[oohgrrl]

Well that's because most dope users grow up and put it aside when they become men.

 

I'm a bit confused by your last paragraph. Your faith doesn't condone divorce? Whose faith? Yours, his, or both of you? You answered what was on my mind. He's a user and assuming he's a member of your faith (I'm not sure what that means) why would he need something to alter his state of consciousness? Additionally, he's hanging with the neighborhood strippers? I'm assuming he's not conveying his faith to them.

 

I'm a Christian. I can't imagine why someone who is serious about their Christian faith would need anti-depressants, alcohol, and illegal drugs. Our faith is supposed to fill that gap that others need mood altering substances for.

 

Perhaps he's a decent guy, but my experience and I can give you a lot of stories as someone in law enforcement for the past 20 years is, you don't change someone who is addicted very easily. I can happen, but it's an up-road climb. Normally I'd suggest something like Teen Challenge as they've been very successful in this area and of course they handle adults who are addicts.

 

Grow up. This is what I started eventually thinking when I grew up myself and through employment was exposed to people other than drug-users as most of my extended family is.

 

We are now Christian (Covenant) and when we attended our pre-marriage counseling we were in a Pentacostal church. Our book (and the oath we signed at the end of the counseling) said physical abuse and infidelity were two reasons for possible divorce.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about Christians not needing medication. Mental Illness is an illness that can be treated just as physical illness. I know the Jehovas Witnesses that go door to door believe God will cure all, and don't agree with medication. I may be of little faith then because I could not hold back medication from my child for cancer or even ear infections based on faith healing.

 

As for the stripper (1 stripper) neighbor, actually we do talk to her about God and encourage her to find different employment. She was a life-long foster child and ran away at 16. She is a young mother herself and believes in God but also struggles with wondering how she would survive financially with her acquired expensive tastes. My husband is very knowledgeable about the bible- way more than me, which is another issue. I feel this makes him such a hypocrite! He smokes MJ and then wants to talk about God. He is high and then he can see how he is and how he needs to stop. But when he is not high, all he wants to do is be high.

 

I am so anti-divorce I think it blinds me. My mom left my dad when he was on life-support in the hospital with an infection after surgery for a lifeling illness that had gotten worse. I thought that was the lowest of lows and promised I would never leave someone who was sick. Aren't mental illness and chemical dependency illnesses?

[The Blue Knight]

I'm not sure how I feel about Christians not needing medication. Mental Illness is an illness that can be treated just as physical illness. I know the Jehovas Witnesses that go door to door believe God will cure all, and don't agree with medication. I may be of little faith then because I could not hold back medication from my child for cancer or even ear infections based on faith healing.

 

As for the stripper (1 stripper) neighbor, actually we do talk to her about God and encourage her to find different employment. She was a life-long foster child and ran away at 16. She is a young mother herself and believes in God but also struggles with wondering how she would survive financially with her acquired expensive tastes. My husband is very knowledgeable about the bible- way more than me, which is another issue. I feel this makes him such a hypocrite! He smokes MJ and then wants to talk about God. He is high and then he can see how he is and how he needs to stop. But when he is not high, all he wants to do is be high.

 

I am so anti-divorce I think it blinds me. My mom left my dad when he was on life-support in the hospital with an infection after surgery for a lifeling illness that had gotten worse. I thought that was the lowest of lows and promised I would never leave someone who was sick. Aren't mental illness and chemical dependency illnesses?

DON'T confuse what I'm saying. I have no issue with medications for medical reasons. God can certainly work through doctors and does. I'm talking about mood altering substances for the simple goal of altering the mood. I'm anti-divorce as well. But the man has to stand up and recognize his hypocrisy and his life which is enslaved to dope.

 

I don't agree with a lot of experts about chemical dependency being illnesses. Where that hogwash started was in the DSM manual, which once it's considered alcoholism a "recognized" disease, the HMO payments would kick in and treat it.

 

Additionally, I see a lot of fraud where things like "depression" are concerned because it allows lazy people to stay home and collect social security. Many "mental illnesses" have been shown for instance to be the byproduct of lacking minerals and essential things like omega fatty acids in the diet. Check Mercola's website for more on this. Below is a snippet showing that not all professionals buy into this "disease" theory which is so prominent today. My opinion is it's another example of a society which doesn't want to cast "blame" on anyone or "shame" them.

_____________

 

Some physicians, scientists and others have rejected the disease theory of alcoholism on logical, empirical and other grounds.

 

Some critics of the disease model argue alcoholism is a choice, not a disease, and stripping alcohol abusers of their choice, by applying the disease concept, is a threat to the health of the individual; the disease concept gives the substance abuser an excuse. A disease cannot be cured by force of will; therefore, adding the medical label transfers the responsibility from the abuser to caregivers. Inevitably the abusers become unwilling victims, and just as inevitably they take on that role. They argue that the disease theory of alcoholism exists only to benefit the professionals' and governmental agencies responsible for providing recovery services, and the disease model has not offered a solution for those attempting to stop abusive alcohol and drug use.

 

These critics hold that by removing some of the stigma and personal responsibility the disease concept actually increases alcoholism and drug abuse and thus the need for treatment. This is somewhat supported by a study which found that a greater belief in the disease theory of alcoholism and higher commitment to total abstinence to be factors correlated with increased likelihood that an alcoholic would have a full-blown relapse (substantial continued use) following an initial lapse (single use). However, the authors noted that "the direction of causality cannot be determined from these data. It is possible that belief in alcoholism as a loss-of-control disease predisposes clients to relapse, or that repeated relapses reinforce clients' beliefs in the disease model."

 

Many physicians reject the disease theory of alcoholism. One study found that only 20 percent of physicians believe that substance addiction is a disease. In addition, 55 percent believe that there is "no effective treatment" for it.(T. McLellan. R-Considering Addiction Treatment: How Can Treatment Be More Accountable And Effective? A Continuing Medical Education (CME)Course. Cranston, Rhode Island, Association for Medical Education and Research on Substance Abuse, 2006.)

 

Another study found that only 25 percent of physicians believed that alcoholism is a disease. The majority believed alcoholism to be a social or psychological problem instead of a disease.

[knitwit]

Hi Ooohgirl,

 

I am going to recommend that most people avoid like the plague: find a good Naranon or Alanon group.

 

Your husband has gone to jail, can't hold a job, and now can't support his wife, child, or child-to-be due to his MJ use. Sounds like he has gone over the line from recreational use into addiction.

 

You are not at a point where you're ready to leave him; that's fine, you might never get there. He might get it together, who knows? If you can find a good Naranon group, you'll be able to talk with people who are in your shoes- they are the family and loved ones of people with an addiction. In a good group, people will empathize with you and they will help you deal with the situation. They will help you separate the addiction from the person you love, while at the same time helping you to find your boundaries and create some stability in your life. It sounds impossible, but it's not. The trick is- you might have to go to more than one group to find the one that works for you. There are also some good online forums- I haven't checked out the abuse/recovery forums here, but they might be a good start.

 

I do believe in the Addiction As Disease theory, but I also think it occurs on a spectrum. There is a lot of space before one actually crosses the line into addiction in my experience. I come from a family of drinkers and spent a lot of my 20s and early 30s in a drinking/partying lifestyle. You can see the people who have "crossed over" into actual addiction- there is level of insanity and chaos, and they really can't "chose" in the same way most people can. They can "chose" whether or not to take that first drink (or hit), but after that first one it's game over.

 

At any rate, it really doesn't matter; whether it is a disease or a choice, your life is in chaos because of your husband's drug use. You can't control him, but you can learn all you can and find a way to get some peace and stability in your life. Naranon was a life- and sanity- saver for me. I recommend it for anyone in the same situation. Best of luck to you!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Oh man, just do what's right for your kids. There are better people out there. The logistics sound scary though, you're worried about how much time you have and money. That's understandable. I wish I could be more help on that..

 

I think leaving someone who is a slave to a substance is understandable.

[standtall]

We are now Christian (Covenant) and when we attended our pre-marriage counseling we were in a Pentacostal church. Our book (and the oath we signed at the end of the counseling) said physical abuse and infidelity were two reasons for possible divorce.

 

 

I too have a Christian based, covenant marriage, and I know that you can divorce for other reasons that what you listed. Abandonment and criminal activity are also other legitimate reasons. You are not trapped.

 

Now, I'm not advocating divorce without trying. Does your pastor know about your/his issues?I would suggest getting him into drug counseling through your church.

[turnera]

You let your children stay with a man who can't stay straight and sober for 24 hours? Why?

 

Because it's easy on you?

 

Move out, find a roommate to help with the bills, use that money to hire a competent babysitter who is NOT wasted 24/7.

 

Maybe THEN he will realize he needs to grow up and get straight.

 

But he will never do it while you're with him.

[lv1028]

Please get out and get help for your sake and your kids! You know, our kids don't learn from what we tell them, they learn by what they see/our actions. I feel for you, but please stop the enabling and codependency. Being alone and without grief is far better than being lonely with someone who is making you feel more crazy than he is. I am sure you worry more about this than he does. Stop making excuses for him. It will be hard for a while, but you will be so thankful in the future. You can't fix him...he can only fix himself. He's self medicating so he can escape his reality. How can that be more important than his family?