mutual love with a married woman

[hearty]

So, I recently had an intimate conversation with a married woman, whom I have know for about 6 years. In this discussion, she was surprised to find out that i have very strong feelings for her. Nothing physical happened.

 

Background:

I met her through her bf, who I was working with at the time. This man is now her husband, who at the time was very trusting of his gf and allowed me and his gf to hang out alone. After a year or so, a situation arose where she could not hide her feelings for me and emotionally admitted that she really felt a strong connection, but that she keeps falling back on the idea that she loves her bf and that she wouldn't/couldn't leave him. In that moment, I said that I wouldn't "get in the way." So, for the past 5 years, we have put a barrier that restricted us from hanging out alone. We were just avoiding it the topic. Over the course of these 5 years, however, i have grown closer to this woman and her bf. About 2 years ago, the husband asked me to be his Best Man in their wedding! I was very surprised and felt that i had not been true/honest with him, but I eventually concluded that I was the best man for not making a move. After much contemplation, I reluctantly didn't get in the way. However, this contemplation, along with some good conversations with my best friend and family, made me realize that I loved her. The question was, should I express my feelings to married woman and, if I did, would my honesty scare her and her husband away as friends, and/or ruin their relationship, which has a fighting chance.

 

I have always been very attracted to her, and I have to admit that my intentions when I first started hanging out with her were not completely innocent. My method/decision to not "get in the way" works we she is out of sight/mind. However, when we cross paths, our connection creates a bubble of energy. It wasn't until yesterday, when she came into town on a business trip, that we had the opportunity to spent some one-on-one time together since we had created the barrier 5 years ago.

 

So here it is...........

Yesterday, she randomly started opening up about how much she cares for me and how she thinks that I am selfless, warm, good, attractive, etc, how she loves our friendship and how comfortable she feels around me. Eventually, she coaxed me to stop being so mysterious. I slowly laid it all out there, and to my surprise she was very receptive! She expressed that she was so happy that we were having the conversation and that she thought that the connection was entirely in her head......I guess I was good at concealing my feelings. We talked about how we make/have made each other feel and eventually admitted our love for one another. I don't know to what extent and I am astonished that i could feel so strongly for somebody that I see only a few times per year. By the end of it, there were numerous times when we both expressed the strong desire to physical touch each other, and we definitely flirted with the idea of being intimate.

 

 

I have trouble not holding my feelings in intimate relationships up to the standard of my feelings for her and how she makes me feel. She mentioned that she does not understand here feelings for me and why it didn't feel wrong to express desire toward one another. We are both trying to prevent this from getting in the way of our friendship, because we both mean a lot to one another. To be honest, I want to be with her and i feel that the relationship would be healthy in the ways the her current marriage is not (she agrees, and is digesting all of this at the moment).

 

How should I handle this??????????????????????????????????????????

 

Extra Info:

- She cheated on him with a friend about 2 years before they got married.

- We have only seen each other a handful of times per year since the first two years.

- we are all 25 to 26 years old

- She has been with her husband since senior year in high school

- she is the most beautiful person in my eyes, and I naturally pick her up when she is down. This is also reciprocated.

- we communicate very well and have very similar styles of working things out

- we have a very similar view of life, similar hobbies,

- i feel truth when i look into her eyes

- she claims that she is very in love with her husband and always excited to see him

- she and her husband bicker quite often, and she tends to have to submit her independence.

- I am what here husband is not. She has confirmed this.

- she tries to convince her husband to have traits like mine

[nofool4u]

Background:

I met her through her bf, who I was working with at the time. This man is now her husband, who at the time was very trusting of his gf and allowed me and his gf to hang out alone. After a year or so, a situation arose where she could not hide her feelings for me and emotionally admitted that she really felt a strong connection, but that she keeps falling back on the idea that she loves her bf and that she wouldn't/couldn't leave him.

 

She doesn't live with you every day. The thought of being with another man is exciting to her. If you were her husband, and there was a man she was hanging out alone with, it would be you that is about to be betrayed.

 

You aren't anything special. You are just uncharted territory.

 

 

In that moment, I said that I wouldn't "get in the way." So, for the past 5 years, we have put a barrier that restricted us from hanging out alone. We were just avoiding it the topic. Over the course of these 5 years, however, i have grown closer to this woman and her bf. About 2 years ago, the husband asked me to be his Best Man in their wedding! I was very surprised and felt that i had not been true/honest with him, but I eventually concluded that I was the best man for not making a move. After much contemplation, I reluctantly didn't get in the way. However, this contemplation, along with some good conversations with my best friend and family, made me realize that I loved her. The question was, should I express my feelings to married woman and, if I did, would my honesty scare her and her husband away as friends, and/or ruin their relationship

 

Too late. Their relationship is already ruined. He is married to a woman that shouldn't be trusted. And you are no friend to this guy.

 

 

So here it is...........

Yesterday, she randomly started opening up about how much she cares for me and how she thinks that I am selfless, warm, good, attractive, etc, how she loves our friendship

 

Uh, there is no such thing as a "friendship" between the two of you. Not now and never will be because of the "feelings" you have for one another.

 

 

and how comfortable she feels around me. Eventually, she coaxed me to stop being so mysterious. I slowly laid it all out there, and to my surprise she was very receptive! She expressed that she was so happy that we were having the conversation and that she thought that the connection was entirely in her head

 

Well great. Then she needs to set her husband free from the likes of her so he can go out and find a decent woman then.

 

And then you can have her all to herself until you are no longer uncharted territory, and she starts getting attracted to another man she hasn't had yet.

 

 

To be honest, I want to be with her and i feel that the relationship would be healthy in the ways the her current marriage is not (she agrees, and is digesting all of this at the moment).

 

Oh but of course you both do:rolleyes: A relationship with her will be healthy.....for a while. Then she'll get an itch that needs to be scratched by another man sooner or later.

 

How should I handle this??????????????????????????????????????????

 

Extra Info:

- She cheated on him with a friend about 2 years before they got married.

 

Oh gee, what a catch she is then. Good luck with that sport.

 

 

- We have only seen each other a handful of times per year since the first two years.

 

Hence the uncharted territory. You think being with you every day she isn't going to get tired of bedding down the same guy all the time? Its obvious she gets bored easily, since she cheated on this other guy and married him anyway. And she is cheating on him again, physical or not.

 

Oh, and you expect us to believe that she was on business, came to see you, professed what you think is "love" for each other, and nothing else happened?

 

That coupled with the fact she is a cheater already, come on man, you can level with us.

 

- we are all 25 to 26 years old

- She has been with her husband since senior year in high school

 

And her husband deserves to be rid of the cheating huss so he can have fun being single and find someone worthy.

 

 

- she is the most beautiful person in my eyes, and I naturally pick her up when she is down. This is also reciprocated.

 

You gonna pick her up when she cheats on you too? Oh, of course she won't cheat on you though:rolleyes:

 

- i feel truth when i look into her eyes

 

Uh huh, truth with a proven cheater. You'll find out the real truth that is this "woman" if you end up with her.....sooner or later.

 

 

- she claims that she is very in love with her husband and always excited to see him

 

She has a funny way of showing it. You will probably end up with her, and she'll be on business somewhere telling another guy she loves you, but also professing her feelings for him.

 

Sorry, cheaters love nada.

 

- she and her husband bicker quite often, and she tends to have to submit her independence.

 

Oh geez, open your eyes. Your words don't coincide here. Sorry.

 

You already wrote that he trusts her and you to be alone, she obviously has all the independence she needs if she is able to go away on business and profess her feelings for other men.

 

And newsflash for you. Couples bicker. You don't think you would bicker a little with someone if you were with them day in and day out. Again, you aren't anything special.

 

 

- I am what here husband is not.

 

Yes you are. Uncharted, fresh meat.

 

 

- she tries to convince her husband to have traits like mine

 

Oh my, you DO think you are special.

 

You seem to have a high opinion of yourself. And I'm sure she makes you, the new meat, feel this way.

 

So go ahead, encourage her to set her husband free from the likes of her. Or better yet, tell her husband how the two of you feel so he can get the ball rolling. Please do so before she winds up having kids with this guy, and turning him into an every other weekend father who has to pay child support.

 

Then you can hook up with her and deal with the same crap later that she is doling out to her husband now.

 

Good luck with that

[wilsonx]

I will warn you with one thing if you choose to be an idiot/coward/douchebag and pursue this relationship further

 

"How they come is how they go"

 

You wall of text means nothing but to try to hide from yourself knowing you are being an idiot/coward/douchebag and paint their relationship and her husband black

 

It wont last a year with you. I do not know of one couple in my network that has seen a sucessful long term relationship out of what you are asking.

Edited April 16, 2012 by wilsonx

[Joaquin]

Op. You are a total scumbag. Cant get your own woman so you crawl around your "friends" wife and play the I'm the big man card with her when they have the odd fight. Scum.

[leoc1973]

OP you are on the wrong site if your looking for any kind of "go ahead" 90% of us on here are guys and a bunch of girls who have had our wives/girlfriends sneak around on us. You just want her cause she is taboo. This guy is your friend what you should do is go tell him what a skank his wife is and tell him to leave her.

 

She does not love her husband. I have been in love once and there is no temptation cause thats what real love is.

 

Here's a question for you. What became of that other guy she cheated on her husband with? Did she cry and feel horrible and beg for forgiveness for cheating last time and tell him it would never happen again?

 

I really never like to say that once a cheater always a cheater and people don't change because people really do. But not this one. If she has an itch she certainly scratches it. And there is no way that 2 people professing their love and attraction for one another did not do anything!

 

You do know that there are single girls out there right? There is this amazing tool called the internet where you can even meet some of these girls. Don't worm someone else's chick dude! NOT COOL!

 

And in the end if you decide not to listen to pretty much what everyone on here is going to tell you. In a few months I have a feeling you will be back on here telling us about how could she break your heart. She made you feel special! LOL!!

[stillwater]

As someone who is/was in a similar situation but actually went ahead with it, I say run. Run as fast as you can.

 

If you really do want to pursue it, tell her to leave before you'll get involved. Don't be surprised when she doesn't though. And if you two do start an affair, still don't be surprised when she doesn't leave.

[hearty]

Ok, thank you for your responses. They are appreciated. However, it is clear that some of you really have personal experiences with divorce and cheating that may have led to built up animosity. Words like "woman," "sport, and "fresh meat," are not very persuasive, rather they indicate judgement and cynicism. Why are YOU are this website? I admit to feeling that I have wronged my friend, but it does not feel wrong to be myself. Maybe she or I does not know what true love is. Maybe she does not have the strength to leave her relationship of 8+ years. Aside from actually cheating, neither of us should have regrets. We all move at a different pace and you can't control life. We are human. Now, exhibiting a ton of self control when confessing some level of love for one another......that is not human.

 

- It feels good to be hold our situation up to the light.

- It feels good to pursue truth, no matter what the consequences are. That is not cowardly.

- It feels bad to own the thought of being a douchbag/idiot for painting their marriage black, but it was already black. You are correct in saying that I may be trying to hide from this. I am pursuing truth for both our sakes.

- It is clearly a bad sign that she has cheated in the past and is willing to think about doing it again. It is clearly a bad sign. I get it.

- Most of my long term relationships involved some bickering because of our differences. I am not a fighter though. I talk through things and try to understand the other persons perspective. I have never felt so naturally understood, peaceful and vibrant as when i am around this woman. She feels the same.

 

 

 

I am being %100 percent honest. Nothing is being altered here. We did not express ourselves physically....even when we were expressing some level of love toward one another. However, through an act of momentary sexual frustration, we flirted with the idea of being physical by verbally fantasizing about being physical.

 

It is clear that she has some stuff to work out and that her relationship is subpar. Her words, "we have so many experiences built up and he trust me so much, I appreciate that," "you are what he is not," "i am working toward happiness," "you are good for him," "I wish he was more like u," "i think I have finally convinced him......to have traits like yours," "i wish u told me earlier," and "do you think it would last?" She compared and contrasted us. Do u think she is happy?????? It seems like rational love.

 

It feels good to naturally be able to bring a person up and that action be reciprocated. What you called the "big man card," is me being me. It feels good to be feel special, isn't that what we all expect from our partners? I think that you were right in saying that we were never friends and never will be, because we both have always wanted more than that.

 

My intentions for expressing my feelings were open ended. There are other women out there, but they all deserve to be happy. What happens to a persons soul when they are in a relationship that they rely on, but may not be right?

 

BTW, she lives 1800 miles away from me. I don't expect her to leave him now or ever. I am hopeful that she does what is best for her.

 

The real dilemma:

How can I prevent myself from holding the feelings in my relationships up to the standard of feelings that I get when I am around this woman?

[wow04]

The real dilemma:

How can I prevent myself from holding the feelings in my relationships up to the standard of feelings that I get when I am around this woman?

 

 

It is simple, you don't go around her.

[hearty]

leoc1973,

If I were to tell him about how his wife likes me and has flirted with the idea of me, I will just destroy the marriage. I guess, you are asking me to own up with the fact that I am/have destroyed the marriage and that i am not being a friend to him anymore, so what the hell anyway.

 

stillwater,

did u act of your desire immediately?

 

to those of you making derogatory statements,

Please don't, they are not productive. All u get is a defense mechanism. If u want to help me, please do.

[hearty]

wow04, u are suggesting that I suppress my emotions and try to forget. This type of thing is not good for my psychological wellbeing.

[stillwater]

The real dilemma:

How can I prevent myself from holding the feelings in my relationships up to the standard of feelings that I get when I am around this woman?

Why don't you find someone that gives you that same level of feelings that actually is available (and nearby), so you don't have to worry about it? Easier said that done, I know.

 

But is this really, honestly what you're asking? I didn't get that impression from your first post at all, right down to the fact that it was posted in the Second Chances forum. Not trying to be rude, just asking a pointed question.

 

did u act of your desire immediately?

I posted a thread about my story a few days ago with all the details. Look through my post history.

[stillwater]

wow04, u are suggesting that I suppress my emotions and try to forget. This type of thing is not good for my psychological wellbeing.

 

An affair, emotional or otherwise, is good for NO ONE's well being. But forget everyone else for a moment -- if you think what you have now is hard on you, imagine sleeping with her daily for months, hearing her say how much she's in love with you and has never felt this way before, hearing promises that she'll leave and be with you, but never acting on those words. You'll be begging for that wistful "what if" way you feel right now.

 

If she's content/inert/whatever in her M, then suck it up, be a man, and move on. If she's not, she'll leave of her own accord and it will be a whole lot better for everyone. Advice I wish someone had slapped me over the head with 9 months ago.

Edited April 17, 2012 by stillwater

[hearty]

stillwater,

good advice, thank you. That is the standpoint that i have taken for many years. The only difference is that I let her know how i feel and I guess i am willing to deal with the consequences of losing them as friends. I don't know what I will do if nothing changes and she wants to remain friends.

[hearty]

I guess I am taking the standpoint that I would rather be honest with her. The fact that this post is in the second chances section suggests that I do want a chance. However, i am not willing to take any further action that could potentially persuade her. Now she knows and that is all she should need if it is meant to be.

[hearty]

stillwater,

 

It is hard for me to grasp that she made a commitment for better or for worse. The more difficult part to accept is that she is not being honest with their husband....maybe because she is not being honest with themselves: conflict avoider. Fortunately, i have been dealing with my feelings toward her for years, and i know how to not act on them. The only difference now is that she may be more willing to take action in knowing that I am probably in.....that is, if I am single....if not, I am in your boat. I hate the idea that all of this is secret to her husband.

I am interested to hear if you think that the married woman i am interested in is a cake eater?

[nofool4u]

leoc1973,

If I were to tell him about how his wife likes me and has flirted with the idea of me, I will just destroy the marriage.

 

He is married to a piece of crap cheating woman. His marriage is crap anyway, hence you wouldn't be destroying anything that wasn't already crap.

 

That and with friends like you he doesn't need any enemies.

 

So go ahead and help her pave the way to set him free, then she is now your problem.

 

to those of you making derogatory statements,

Please don't, they are not productive. All u get is a defense mechanism. If u want to help me, please do.

 

Help you what? Help her cheat? Help you snog up on a "friend's" wife?

 

Sure, I'll help you with that. Tell him whats going on so the poor guy can make a clean break from his wife before he ends up having children with her. Then like I said, she can become your problem.

[nofool4u]

wow04, u are suggesting that I suppress my emotions and try to forget. This type of thing is not good for my psychological wellbeing.

 

Well then rat her out to her husband already and quit making this all about you.

[nofool4u]

I am interested to hear if you think that the married woman i am interested in is a cake eater?

 

She most definitely is, and her husband deserves a better woman.

 

And you two deserve each other. I hope you two do get together. Then give it about a couple years when you aren't fresh meat any longer and she'll be whispering sweet nothings into another man's ear on a business trip in the near future.

 

So help your "friend". Help him pave the way to be rid of this cheating huss so you can have her all to yourself.....for now.

[hearty]

so, nofool4u, I agree that I am not being a friend to him right now, but it sounds like you are saying that i have never been a friend to the husband? He asked me to be the best man because I always gave him good input about his relationship problems and i was always there for him when he needed me. I am quickly realizing that you are the bully of these boards. congrats. btw, what is your story?

[Zahara]

stillwater,

 

It is hard for me to grasp that she made a commitment for better or for worse. The more difficult part to accept is that she is not being honest with their husband....maybe because she is not being honest with themselves: conflict avoider. Fortunately, i have been dealing with my feelings toward her for years, and i know how to not act on them. The only difference now is that she may be more willing to take action in knowing that I am probably in.....that is, if I am single....if not, I am in your boat. I hate the idea that all of this is secret to her husband.

I am interested to hear if you think that the married woman i am interested in is a cake eater?

 

Most people that have affairs are cake-eaters. They get to experience the excitement outside of the dull daily routine, escaping from the marriage knowing all the while that it's a temporary fix and that they still can go back to the security and comfort they have with a stable partner, their home, their bank accounts, their family holidays, their cars, their vacations together, etc.

 

I have women and men friends who have been in affairs. None have walked away unscathed. Walked in with hopes and dreams and promises. Walked away empty and broken. And this is because when the **** hits the fan, and the reality sets in, and knowing what they can possibly lose, it will always outweigh a once a week/month fling.

 

She may be enticing and open for what's presented to her now because she has needs that need to be fulfilled outside of the marriage. There is no long term in her brain. You even said she is in love with her husband. Translation: I still want to be with my husband so no expectations.

 

It's a secret to her husband because she wants to have the best of both worlds. Why destroy one good thing when she can have the benefits of both?

 

Tread very carefully. Cheating seems to be in her nature. What she can do to someone else, she can also do to you. Don't ever believe you are the exception. You are the rule.

 

Think with your brain. I have a feeling you will jump in the fire even when you know it will burn you to a crisp. But sometimes you need to be burned to learn. Your choice.

 

ps: Does it not make you sit back and question her character and the type of person she is? Are these values you find appealing in a woman? If so, it speaks highly of how you view yourself.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Zahara

[Zahara]

wow04, u are suggesting that I suppress my emotions and try to forget. This type of thing is not good for my psychological wellbeing.

 

Ah, getting involved with a married woman, being deceitful to a friend and breaking up a marriage is very good for your psychological well being. I've been doing this all wrong.

 

Yes, I see your thinking but what about realizing that while feelings are feelings, there is also something called right and wrong, wrong not just for you emotional and mental health and what about the ability to find a moral compass within yourself and the ability to stand strong by your values. Maybe make decisions based on other factors other than feelings. Feelings don't always stir you the right way.

[Zahara]

Extra Info

- She cheated on him with a friend about 2 years before they got married. Cheating in her nature.

- We have only seen each other a handful of times per year since the first two years. Allows her safe distance to have the best of both worlds.

- we are all 25 to 26 years old. So much out there and you settle for this.

- She has been with her husband since senior year in high school. Bored. Looking for excitement

- she is the most beautiful person in my eyes, and I naturally pick her up when she is down. This is also reciprocated. How sweet. Then she goes home and lays her head on her husband's shoulder and all is well and they have perk me up sex. You are naive.

- we communicate very well and have very similar styles of working things out. So you're soul mates? Takes much more than that to establish compatibilty. How about trust, loyalty, honesty, etc.

- we have a very similar view of life, similar hobbies. See above

- i feel truth when i look into her eyes. She's a cheater. Are you serious? How do you think she hides the truth from her husband because you know he's probably just as clueless as you. He sees truth in her eyes too.

- she claims that she is very in love with her husband and always excited to see him. Translation: I will always want my husband so no expectations.

- she and her husband bicker quite often, and she tends to have to submit her independence. Three sides to every story. His, hers and the truth

- I am what here husband is not. She has confirmed this. She told you and you believed her. That's your "confirmation"? You trust a cheater that's on her second round of infidelity? She's just telling you what you want to hear to keep you interested.

- she tries to convince her husband to have traits like mine. You were present when they had these conversations? Or is she just blowing up your ego so you feel special and different? I guess this is why she is SO IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN, even when he is lacking and not like you?

Edited April 17, 2012 by Zahara

[Joaquin]

What this scumbag op says is irrelevant. He is kinda not in the real world. A fantasist even.

 

This girl married another man tho in your head she always wanted you.

 

Dude, are you off the meds this week?

[hearty]

i have been present when she suggested that her husband be more like me. This is f***** up. I realize that I am being a delusional in the idea that she is right for me and that she has been manipulating me a lot. I believe I am going to speak to hear about being fair to her husband and looking in the mirror. I am doing my best to do so.

 

O ya, I express numerous times that i felt guilty, but she said that I shouldn't feel this way. Lol, of course I do.

[stillwater]

However, i am not willing to take any further action that could potentially persuade her. Now she knows and that is all she should need if it is meant to be.

 

It is hard for me to grasp that she made a commitment for better or for worse. The more difficult part to accept is that she is not being honest with their husband....maybe because she is not being honest with themselves: conflict avoider. Fortunately, i have been dealing with my feelings toward her for years, and i know how to not act on them. The only difference now is that she may be more willing to take action in knowing that I am probably in.....that is, if I am single....if not, I am in your boat. I hate the idea that all of this is secret to her husband.

I am interested to hear if you think that the married woman i am interested in is a cake eater?

Nothing in the second post makes me think you're going to leave this girl be, as you claim in the first one.

 

She married someone else, not you. She said her I Do's to someone else while you were standing right there. She even told you flat-out she is "very in love with" him. Grasp it. You told her your piece, now she can do what she wants with it. It's time to move on.

 

But if you really want my thoughts on whether she'll leave for you... she already cheated with someone else and didn't leave. She says she loves him and is excited to see him. She's been with him forever; she knows nothing else. If she really is a conflict avoider and just kind of slid into this because it was hard to break up, what makes you think she's going to have the guts to leave? It's not like you're in the next town over, you're probably not even in the next time zone over. You've only been seeing her "a handful of times".

 

So IMHO, all signs point to "no". But hey, I was obviously completely wrong in my judgement of MW, so what do I know about yours. We all need to find out for ourselves that the stove is, indeed, really hot.

 

Btw, I've been single for a few months now, it changed nothing with my situation.