My relationship with a workaholic

[danny1234]

Hi,

 

I went out with someone for 18 months who was a workaholic and I want to share what I learnt for anyone else who is in the same situation.

 

She worked as a store manager and always worked hard and quite long hours, but we still had a great relationship for the first half of the relationship. Then the second half of the relationship she got another job at a much larger store further away with more responsibility and lots of stress. Before she took the new job, which was her existing role in a different store, we talked about it, I said "are you sure you want to do it, becuase you already work long hours in a smaller store", she said "yes, I want a new challenge", she already worked 12 hour days in this previous job. In the new job she worked 12 hour days (even though she was scheduled to work 8) + more for travelling. Sometimes she didn’t get home until 9.30pm and may have to be up at 5am the next morning for another shift working until 5pm that night.

 

For six months she really worked 6 days a week - 70+ hour weeks. On her one day off she was shattered and was keen to do all of her chores, washing, tidying, etc. Leaving less / little time for us.

 

If I saw her when she got home at 9.30pm – obviously she would be really tired.

If I saw her on another day when she’d been up at 5am, she would be really tired again on the night.

 

After a couple of months in her new job, I sat her down and very calmly and in a non-needy way said that I was concerned about the number of hours she was working and that I started to feel single the last few months. I said I loved her lots and I was concerned about the affect on her health, etc. She got upset and said she didn’t want to lose me. I was very careful how I did this, as I know she went out previously with someone who tried to control her – and she told me previously she would never stand for this again. She told me after that I had said it and approached it in a really nice way.

 

A few nights later she wanted to talk again, & said that she’d been thinking and:-

 

i) She would rather know now, if I didn’t want to go out with someone who worked shifts.

 

and

 

ii) She would see me more, but I would just want sex when she is tired.

 

I just calmly said that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to go out with someone who worked shifts (she worked shifts the first 6 months and it was no problem), I said it was the number of hours she was working. I said that obviously sex should a compromise – we had been having a lot less sex anyway, because she was always exhausted.

 

Then over the next 3 months, she got more exhausted. She started taking phone calls on her personal mobile phone about work on her day off and before or after her shifts started. If she needed to go the doctors or dentists she would leave it a matter of weeks until her work schedule allowed it. If she had a weeks annual leave, she'd end up going back to work early and cancelling some days.

 

She rarely saw her friends. On her day off, she didn’t seem to be able to relax with me and was snappy. She told me she was stressed because she didn't have time to visit her parents or other family - this is because on the days she worked, she didn't do anything else, because she was exhausted.

 

She did go out with her friend to a bar for a drink one night. Her friend went to the toilet and she fell asleep on the chair whilst she was gone – this is how tired she was.

 

A week before the relationship ended, she said she was stressed with work, etc. and said she just wanted a week to herself to get her head right at work, she said really she felt she needed time off sick from work, but didn’t want to take it. I said yes, no problem, and that I understood the effects of stress, etc. She said that she started to realise the effect it was having on her & her health and was considering asking take a lower position at work.

 

I gave her advice all week on the phone, about stress, etc. The night before she was going to speak to her manager, for the first time in the relationship I lost my cool, I wanted her to be in the full picture when she spoke to her manager, so I said: if in a few months, you feel that you want to work these hours, and that’s what you want in your life (i.e. to work extremely hard, potentially make yourself ill), then I couldn’t see it working between us – I said it over the phone as well. I said it calmly but had no way of keeping it in. I totally regret dealing with it like this - and told her this after as well.

 

When she came to see me next, she said she hadn’t talked to her manager about taking a step down, mainly because what I’d said to her. She said she realised that she needed to be independent in her life and that 'you can only rely on yourself in this world'.

 

A few weeks later she told me that it wasn’t going to work between us and she thought she saw us more as friends. She said to me ‘I f****** love my job’. I was totally gutted because I still loved her - its getting easier now though. She said I was one of the nicest people she ever went out with.

 

At times it still confuses me. I am sure I started to become needy somewhat in the end, however, it's very difficult not to want the person even more when you are barely seeing them.

 

Thanks for reading this long post,

Dan

Edited April 16, 2012 by danny1234

[FitChick]

I wonder if her belief about only being able to rely on herself comes from her home environment growing up. Did her father abandon the family so that is what she always heard her mother say?

[danny1234]

Hi fit chick,

 

well her mom was on her own for quite a while I believe, so that's quite interesting you say that. However, I did get the impression when she said 'you can only rely on yourself in this world' she was having a dig at me i.e. 'she couldn't rely on me' as I gave her an ultimatum - which I regretted, but was at the end of my tether. She said she needed her job for her rent and car - don't we all.

[Feelsgoodman]

How much does a store manager make anyway? I'm guessing not very much. She's having no life and wearing herself out physically over her mediocre job. Doesn't sound like a smart woman to me.

[danny1234]

Hi mate,

 

She was salaried - ie no extra pay for the additional hours. She was paid for 37.5 hours.

 

Her salary was about £25,000, I think that's about $39,000 dollars, for a 70-80 hour week.

[Feelsgoodman]

Hi mate,

 

She was salaried - ie no extra pay for the additional hours. She was paid for 37.5 hours.

 

Her salary was about £25,000, I think that's about $39,000 dollars, for a 70-80 hour week.

Let's see:

 

-75 hours per week on average

-50 work weeks per year (assuming one week vacation and another week for holidays, etc.)

-3750 work hours per year

-$39,000 annual salary

 

This means that she's making $10.40 an hour. Not sure about the UK, but where I live (Ontario, Canada), that would be minimum wage! Doesn't sound like a job worth killing yourself over...

[veggirl]

I think to be with someone like that, you have to be similarly motivated. I personally am not motivated by money or career success. It's not what drives me at all. My BF is very driven by his career, but def not to the point where he is anywhere near a work-a-holic, thankfully. I dated a guy who I thought was a workaholic before, it was disaster, I didn't last NEARLY as long as you did with your ex, OP.

[Moving]

I just went to something quite similar. I dated this amazing guy for 5 months, we are both in our early 30s. The first 3 months were perfect - at some point we would see each other every day, the last 2 months he was buried in work, working long hours and even on the weekend. I tried my best to be supportive, keeping in mind that this was a temporary situation, a peak at work, I gave him space but of course I still wanted to see him at least a couple of times per week. One night we talked about it, very calmly and he realized we both needed to compromise... a week later he broke up with me He said that this relationship was causing him stress as he couldn't balance it with work, it was not fair to me, I deserved better, blah, blah...

Being a woman, I think there's something more behind it . I think he got scared things were progressing too fast, maybe he realized he wasn't that into me, maybe he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, I'm not sure... I think I didn't miss any important signs... or maybe I have to accept that he's just really a workaholic... Earlier in the relationship, he told me that he didn't handle stress very well so he always tried to avoid stress when possible... maybe that was the reason why he ended the relationship - to avoid having more stress.

It's been really hard for me to recover from this, I really liked the guy. We had an amazing connection. I also feel it was something that we could have worked on - like compromising as we agreed that night a week before he ended the relationship... but I'm learning to accept that we cannot force anything. If he didn't want it to work out, if he gave up in the relationship then there's nothing I could do to change that.

OP - It seems you did everything you could do to make it work, that's all we can do, give our best. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

[Imajerk17]

There was "someone else" in her relationship alright--her job. You always would have come in second to that. You'd be better off finding someone who puts you first.

[danny1234]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

Let's see:

 

-75 hours per week on average

-50 work weeks per year (assuming one week vacation and another week for holidays, etc.)

-3750 work hours per year

-$39,000 annual salary

 

This means that she's making $10.40 an hour. Not sure about the UK, but where I live (Ontario, Canada), that would be minimum wage! Doesn't sound like a job worth killing yourself over...

 

It's crazy when you look at it like that.

 

I think to be with someone like that, you have to be similarly motivated. I personally am not motivated by money or career success. It's not what drives me at all.

 

Yes, nor am I, that's probably why we clashed. I think she was addicted to the adrenaline buzz, it certainly wasn't more hours for more money.

 

I just went to something quite similar. I dated this amazing guy for 5 months, we are both in our early 30s. The first 3 months were perfect - at some point we would see each other every day, the last 2 months he was buried in work, working long hours and even on the weekend. I tried my best to be supportive, keeping in mind that this was a temporary situation, a peak at work, I gave him space but of course I still wanted to see him at least a couple of times per week. One night we talked about it, very calmly and he realized we both needed to compromise... a week later he broke up with me He said that this relationship was causing him stress as he couldn't balance it with work, it was not fair to me, I deserved better, blah, blah...

Being a woman, I think there's something more behind it . I think he got scared things were progressing too fast, maybe he realized he wasn't that into me, maybe he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, I'm not sure... I think I didn't miss any important signs... or maybe I have to accept that he's just really a workaholic... Earlier in the relationship, he told me that he didn't handle stress very well so he always tried to avoid stress when possible... maybe that was the reason why he ended the relationship - to avoid having more stress.

It's been really hard for me to recover from this, I really liked the guy. We had an amazing connection. I also feel it was something that we could have worked on - like compromising as we agreed that night a week before he ended the relationship... but I'm learning to accept that we cannot force anything. If he didn't want it to work out, if he gave up in the relationship then there's nothing I could do to change that.

OP - It seems you did everything you could do to make it work, that's all we can do, give our best. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.

 

A lot of this rings true with me too. She also said once, that I do the hours because 'I can't stand the stress of having things outstanding', but afterwards she also said 'I f********** love my job'. When I started to talk about it with her, I think she got stressed and 'she couldn't handle the stress of the relationship' similar to how you described.

 

I sympathise, with you too. I've read quite a lot about workaholism. It's different to when someone has to work excessively to support their life. Its an addiction to work and the adrenaline rush (gives them a high), the research often compares workaholism to alcoholism. When they 'come down' they need another fix. They are normally in denial and will usually rebel if questioned about it, and you normally come across as needy - distancing you further apart.

 

They describe it as the 'socially accepted addiction', people will often say 'oh don't they work hard, etc.' and it can sometimes be seen as admirable. Also, where an alchohol dependant person could avoid going into a pub or bar if they had accepted they were an alcoholic and where trying to give up ie. avoiding alcohol, a workaholic can almost NEVER avoid work. It's actually very complex.

 

They often hold beliefs like 'hard work never killed anyone' or 'I'll sleep when I'm dead', I heard her say the second phrase several times. Also a marriage with a workaholic is three times more likely to end in divorce than with someone who is not.

 

This is all before you start to look at the negative health affects of overworking.

[ASG]

My stepdad is a workaholic. He starts work at 7am and leaves at 9pm (when he doesn't have to teach after). He still goes out for dinner with friends and family and hangs out with his grandchildren at weekends (when him and my mom don't have other commitments).

 

So... it's not the fact that they work a lot that is a problem. Is how they see your relationship. Or really how they cope with working a lot.

[danny1234]

Thanks a lot for your feedback and replies.

[danny1234]

This is a great article on the subject:-

 

Absolute Discretion | Workaholics