My mum is controlling me and this is ruining my spirit and desire to live.

[LB85]

If you can understand my situation and truly try to imagine being in this situation, please give me some moral support.

I am 23 and moved out last year. My mom always controlled my life, she never trusted me and made me feel guilty if I did anything with friends or would keep calling me when I was out. This made life so difficult and turned me into a recluse. However, in my last year of high school I got the guts to just live and enjoy life but her behavior barely changed. Now that I moved out, I expected life to be easier but it made things much worse. When I used to be out with friends, she would say going out late at night was something girls of decent families don't do or she would say I don;t like it, your friends aren't good (not knowing any of them personally). I always held my end of the bargain, including her in everything about my life (just to relax her and to gain her trust) and trying to sympathise with her messed up ideas about my life. truth is, it always backfired. I stopped telling her anything at a certain point and would go out without letting her know, when she found out i was lying to her she went crazy. She always calls me (10 times a day), my brother showed her how to control me through mobile me so she can monitor my location and she always wants to Skype these days. She doesn't' let me live. She always wants to know when I'll be back and with whom I'm going and she always makes me feel bad for even having a life or friends. Now most people will say, just ignore her and your an adult. These things are easy to say, I have had several arguments and tried everything in my power but she really is the most unsympathetic person I know and she will become even more obsessive if you defy her (because she's a narcissist).

 

I have always been obedient which makes it difficult to just live my life, also when I do ignore her...the situation becomes a thousand times worse (trust me!). I want to do a Phd, never drink when I'm out and am always responsible as well as the wisest of my friends. I don't know what to do and am thinking of just breaking off all contact with friends and not doing anything anymore. She says if you want to be with friends, then your father or brother can pick you up..that is effing embaressing. I can't explain the impact it has, it feels like my spirit is being killed little by little everyday. Everybody I know can move as they please.

 

My mum treats me like a prisonner and she puts me down constantly too. I know she is some of the reason I can't seem to get a guy but in general, its prbably also my fault somewhere. I always thought being a good person and doing good would bear fruits but it never has for me. She always says I can't go out and when I mention she's the only psychopath around, she says I shouldn't want to be like the other girls (whatever the hell that means). Truth is, her stifling is damaging me and could lead to serious problems. I just need help for coping with her. My ideas differ so much, I don't care what people think and anyway people don't have time to talk about me (and society is not half as backward as she claims). She always threatens me saying she just wants to marry me off. I have nothing to live for anymore, I can't live today and she is already trying to control my future.

Also, I admit I am not strong enough to fight her. I have been doing it for 5 years now and I am just so tired and exhausted. How can I deal with her, she literally stalks me and is always suspicious if I'm even out having coffee with friends. Its driving me crazy, and I cry myself to sleep every day because there is no one to talk to. My friends who saw a glimpse of it last year, tried to support me but even they said, just do what she wants. you have no choice. Isn't it better to not live then to walk on egg shells for the rest of your life?

[january2011]

You do not have to have your mother in your life if she is damaging to your mental and emotional wellbeing.

 

You're 23. You're an adult. You don't live with her. You have a choice to not give her any information. To not give her any contact details. To sever contact. You've proven that you can do most of that, so do it. Put a plan into action. Find a new place to live. And since your brother cannot be trusted, you also need to limit the amount of information you pass on to him.

 

I'd also suggest speaking to a therapist so that he/she can teach you some coping strategies.

[turnera]

You're a full-fledged adult now. Get yourself a new phone on YOUR dime that they don't know about; turn off the one she monitors. Set up strict guidelines about what you accept being talked to about and if she crosses the line, you leave immediately. That will TEACH her that you will not be made available if she continues to hurt you.

 

She'll figure it out. She may not like it, but she'll get it.

[callmegee]

What about your father.... any chance he can talk your mum into giving you some space to breathe?

 

Your situation sounds familiar & similar to someone I know.

In that case, the dad talked to the mum and the result was the daughter saw some improvement in the mum's behavior over some months.

 

It took time but it worked for them and turned out well after the gal roped in dad to help lay down some rules for the mum.

[Sugarkane]

I can relate. I can never understand why parents get so offended when contrary to their belief you're a grown and want to leave home.