Girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me.

[Chi townD]

Still Don't know what a "headjob" is....

[samsungxoxo]

Still Don't know what a "headjob" is....

I assume he meant blowjob, which is when a woman gives heads to a man (sucks a man's privates).

[nofool4u]

Guys please remember I'm just asking for advice

 

But most of us don't see it that way. Why? Because you are making excuses for her already, calling it a mistake and asking if we'd really throw away the "best thing" that ever happened.

 

So rather than looking for advice, it seems as if you already know what you want to do.

 

Believe me, I was one of the harsher ones in response, but bear in mind, not with you. You have to remember, we have been in your shoes. We know that when you paint a picture of someone that just made a mistake, we know that it isn't the case.

[dasein]

Wrong again.

 

No you are, at least where average adults are concerned.

 

As far as egoism....that is a personality component and causes a person to feel more anger than hurt.

 

Wallowing in anger, hurt or any emotion unduly when there is a choice not to do so is a form of egoism, "How dare they do that to me?"

 

What works for you....can't be applied to everyone.

 

You are actually right here, children wouldn't be expected to handle and deal with emotions the way adults would, and indelible emotional scars can and do result. OP is an adult, as are most posters here, so that doesn't apply in this thread.

[nofool4u]

That's because you keep guilt-tripping her....!

For chrissakes, if you want to make something of this with her, then fine, go ahead - but quit self-sabotaging and bringing it up and flinging it in her face!

 

I actually believe you're gratified by seeing her upset and eaten up by guilt.

It gives you a hold over her, and gives you a sense of satisfaction to make her keep wallowing in guilt.

 

If you know it makes her 'suffer for a few hours' there's something sadistic and self-satisfying by keeping it open like a running sore.

 

That's just wrong.

If you wish to move on, make the wish come true, make it a reality, and get over it.

 

Sorry Tara, it doesn't work like that. Being hurt by someone like his so-called gf doesn't just go away over night. She gave him something that causes him pain and will for quite some time. So she doesn't get to skate by with just a little short term guilt here.

 

No, not saying he should be constantly throwing it in her face. But if she TRULY is remorseful, then she needs to now have the patience to help him work through the pain THAT SHE CAUSED.

 

And if months down the road he still can't get past it, although he will NEVER forget, then they may need to decide to part ways.

 

But she doesn't get to breeze by after what she did to him. And another thing, maybe part of what she needs to do to keep him and show him he is more important to her is to stop partying, at least without him. She has proven she can't handle the situation.

 

Oh, and I don't see where he says he is constantly throwing this in her face. What he said was now here it is 9 months after and he has forgiven her, but it still pops in his head. I didn't read anywhere after that statement that he is still "throwing it in her face". He simply can't forget, nobody ever will. Christ he is making excuses for her if anything. I don't see anything about throwing it in her face.

Edited April 18, 2012 by nofool4u

[Quiet Storm]

First of all, your description of her "remorse" sounds more like "regret". When you have questions or get into arguments about this, don't let her tears fool you into thinking she feels your pain. It sounds like she's crying because SHE ruined her relationship, or because you think of HER differently now or because HER reputation is tarnished. Realize that this is self centered pain...she is crying about the consequences and how they are affecting HER. It's like she thinks that because she was drunk, you should be less hurt. She is minimizing. She has no idea the depth of the pain she has caused you or how to help you through it. She thinks she can sugarcoat it with the drunk excuse and you should accept that and get over it.

 

Most couples affected by infidelity, even when the cheater shows true remorse and the couple is in counseling, take 2-5 years to recover from this. Nine months doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

 

Let's say we give her the benefit of the doubt, and call it a drunken mistake. People make mistakes, and alcohol lowers your inhibitions. However, instead of telling you the truth about it, she LIES and tells you it was a different guy. She would've kept LYING had you not talked to Dave.

 

This tells you what kind of person she is right there. Even while sober, she chose to lie in order to make her consequences less severe. She is a conflict avoider. A person with good character, would've fessed up to you and her sister. She is not worried about you or her sister or how you two feel- she was worried about what the consequences were going to do to HER life. All about her.

 

Another thing that shows her character is her choice of a partner. Out of all the random men in the world, she ends up with her sister's man. Even while extremely drunk, we still have lines that we don't cross. Most drunk chicks still have boundaries...they would not sleep with a dog, or a child, or a 90 year old wrinkly dude...so what is it within her that made it okay to sleep with her sister's man? For most women, drunk or not, "your sister's man" would fall into the same category as a dog, a child or a wrinkly senior citizen...we aren't going there. Ever. Not drunk or high or rollin or whatever other various states of conciousness you may be in.

 

I'm not saying this to upset you. I am just pointing out that that this "mistake" may not be just a simple error in judgement, but an INDICATION OF HER TRUE CHARACTER.

 

Her actions do not fit the vision you had of her as your sweet and innocent girlfriend. Your love for her and the good memories are crashing into the facts: that she cheated and lied to you.

 

In order to minimize the trauma of this truth, your brain is using different coping mechanisms. One of them is called cognitive dissonance. It is when the reality of a situation goes against our values, but we want to stay in the situation anyway. In order to do this, we tell ourself lies to make the truth seem more palatable, such as it was "one mistake" or it is "so out of character". Many "other women" use cognitive dissosance in order to remain a mistress to a married men, which is against their values. They will allow themselves to believe a lot of lies, because they love the guy and don't want to accept the obvious truth.

 

I think that you are still thinking about this nine months later because her actions are not in line with your values. This is not the kind of woman that you want for a girlfriend. Deep down, you know you deserve better. But instead of finding someone better, you are trying to twist her actions into being "not that bad" so that you can stay with her. It's not going to work, dude. Her actions that night are going to keep popping into your head because THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT WOMAN FOR YOU.

 

Any time you feel real happy with her, your gut feelings are going to knock you back into reality. These are not annoying feelings that you need to ignore and push down. These gut feelings are your internal warning system and you need to pay attention.

 

It sucks that someone you love could do this. It hurts when our feelings were not considered. If someone we love acts this way, it's really easy to make excuses because we love that person. Twisting the truth into a pretzel so that you can deal with it may work for awhile, but it's not going to work for you long term.

[dasein]

Sorry Tara, it doesn't work like that. Being hurt by someone like his so-called gf doesn't just go away over night.

 

I don't think anyone has suggested that they do. OP made the choice to forgive her, though, a choice few of us would make, and so needs to put real effort into truly following through, including learning to deal with and transform his emotions, or change his mind, dump her and move on.

 

I think most of us are really on the same page here, we have told OP we would have done otherwise, but if he chooses the forgiveness path, he needs to actually forgive. If he can't, he needs to move on away from her.

[JohnBons]

You can do better and you obviously regret forgiving her and taking her back because she gave some guy that you know a blowjob and that hurts your masculine pride and the level of trust in your relationship with this girl.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but you need a slap in the face to wake you up. She probably loved it, and just faked all the sobby stuff or was just scared of losing you.

 

People don't do things drunk that they wouldn't subconsciously do sober.

 

If you have any self respect, Dump that bitch and find yourself a good girl. IMMEDIATELY.

Edited April 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed inflammatory comments

[nofool4u]

I don't think anyone has suggested that they do.

 

Well if you read Tara's post, she told him to just "get over it".

 

 

OP made the choice to forgive her, though, a choice few of us would make, and so needs to put real effort into truly following through, including learning to deal with and transform his emotions, or change his mind, dump her and move on.

 

I agree, but just because he has forgiven doesn't mean he will ever forget. Thats just not possible. And it doesn't mean that it isn't going to be brought up from time to time.

 

Example, lets say 2 years down the road she comes to him and say, "I'm going to go away for a weekend with my friends to party". He'd be well within his rights to say something of the effect, "you think thats a wise idea considering things that went down in the past?"

 

I think most of us are really on the same page here, we have told OP we would have done otherwise, but if he chooses the forgiveness path, he needs to actually forgive. If he can't, he needs to move on away from her.

 

Again, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. And reading his story he is making every excuse for her in the book. That is not the actions of someone who is "throwing it in her face".

[TaraMaiden]

I never suggested it would take overnight, and i never inferred it would be easy.

But it's what he needs to do, in order to work through the baggage he's carrying - and inflicting on her, through his reproaches.

[nofool4u]

I never suggested it would take overnight, and i never inferred it would be easy.

But it's what he needs to do, in order to work through the baggage he's carrying - and inflicting on her, through his reproaches.

 

That baggage he is carrying was caused BY HER. And from what I read, he isn't "throwing it in her face". Of course since this is still fairly new for him he is going to bring it up once in a while. It may dissipate with time.

 

But telling him to "get over it", what the hell? Nobody has to just "get over it", because one, it doesn't work like that and two, it takes time to undo what some POS cheater has done. 9 months is nothing.

Either she now learns patience, or show him she just wants to skate by and leave not giving him the respect of her patience.

[TaraMaiden]

That baggage he is carrying was caused BY HER. And from what I read, he isn't "throwing it in her face". Of course since this is still fairly new for him he is going to bring it up once in a while. It may dissipate with time.

Nope.

The baggage he's carrying is created by him.

She may be guilty of cheating, but she is remorseful, contrite and totally apologetic.

Tell me, what exactly does she have to do, to seek and gain forgiveness?

Why does she not merit a little compassion for the way she is feeling?

The OP knows her better than we do, he wants to make a go of it.

H';s not seeking advice of what to do about her, he's seeking advice on how best to deal with his attitude and emotions.

His problem is that he's unable to move on and come to terms with events, and this is on him, not her.

He has to modify his behaviour and attitude, because otherwise he will perpetually remain stuck in the frame of mind he's in right now.

nobody can shift things but him.

If she was callous, uncaring and still cheating on him and laughing behind his back, i could certainly agree that things would be different.

But that's not the case. He has a problem - and he knows it.

 

But telling him to "get over it", what the hell? Nobody has to just "get over it",

please don't be so disrespectful as to put words into my mouth. you take that snippet out of context, and nowhere did i tell him to 'just' get over it.

 

because one, it doesn't work like that and two, it takes time to undo what some POS cheater has done. 9 months is nothing.

Either she now learns patience, or show him she just wants to skate by and leave not giving him the respect of her patience.

 

Did you not read the post where the op asks us to not diss or insult her, because he loves her?

 

Guys please remember I'm just asking for advice, I don't need comments like 'does she kiss you with that mouth' at this point in time. I'm young, fragile and confused, people on forums forget that they are talking to real people I guess.

 

There's no doubt what she did was horrible and unfair on me, but she's my best friend and I don't feel closer to anyone more than her. Everyone probably thinks she's a slut, but she's not. She really cares about me and her actions hurt her so much and are still hurting her.

 

Is this any way to speak about a girl who's messed up - but is clearly broken up about it?

This is really rude....

 

Furthermore his first post goes like this:

 

From that point on she stopped drinking, she didn't go out for 3 months and now she only goes out with me. She tells me she loves me everyday and respects me. She bursts into tears whenever I bring up what happened and regrets it SO MUCH. Whenever I bring it up, she doesn't recover for a few hours. She's always missing me when I'm not around. Dave took a heap of pills and tried to kill himself, but he got caught and was stopped. Ella's sister completely cut off Dave and now he is depressed and lonely. I'm not friends with Dave anymore and neither is Ella.

 

So now we are nearly 9 months along as I decided to forgive her and it's still crossing my mind daily. I just can't believe it happened and it's really eating at me. I love her so much and so does she. I love what I have with her and I don't want to give what I have up with her, just because of a mistake she made, which she is extremely sorry for and is in the past. I'm so in love with her, but I don't want to live like this. I'm scared I'll be depressed if I leave her or not find anyone like her.

 

The Op realises that this is something he is finding almost impossible to move on from.

This isn't on her.

This is him.

As such, he's the one who has to do the work.

she can't do it for him,

Just as it is completely on her to rebuild the trust and show she is remorseful, contrite and bitterly regrets her actions and will do anything to win his trust back - and according to him, she's doing that -

it's equally up to him to work on the relationship and repair and amend his behaviour.

Because if he can't - he will destroy this relationship.

not her.

she may haver erred and strayed - and I'm not taking anything away from that.

But he too, must play his part and let go.

Edited April 18, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[ThatDudeXO]

She's probably always wanted to do this guy. Sorry but me calls it as me sees it.

 

I ditto this

[ThatDudeXO]

Poor sister too. It would never cross my mind dating a sister, cousin or best friend's ex bf. I believe that's a boundary (code) you have to respect, even when they're exes.

 

So if the OP's gf was capable of cheating with her sister's ex, I can imagine how easy it would be for her cheating with a random man in similar circumstances.

 

This is the deal breaker to me. That just spells out to me that this girl is not ready for a relationship.

[nofool4u]

Nope.

The baggage he's carrying is created by him.

 

Really? You mean the pain he feels has nothing to do with her? Interesting.

 

 

She may be guilty of cheating, but she is remorseful, contrite and totally apologetic.

 

And thats fine, but it won't help him dissipate the pain and just "get over it" like that.

 

 

Tell me, what exactly does she have to do, to seek and gain forgiveness?

 

What she is doing, but thats not the point. The point is its going to take time. This is something someone doesn't and shouldn't just "get over".

 

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

 

 

Why does she not merit a little compassion for the way she is feeling?

 

This isn't about compassion for her, this is about him trying to come to terms with it in his own time.

 

Compassion can come later for her if things seem to get back to some sort of normal. Until then, she simply needs to be patient if she is truly remorseful.

 

 

The OP knows her better than we do, he wants to make a go of it.

 

Huh? Well that didn't stop you from making things up that he is still "throwing it in her face". Bringing something up with a need to talk about it is not throwing it in anyones face.

 

 

He's not seeking advice of what to do about her, he's seeking advice on how best to deal with his attitude and emotions.

 

And telling him to just "get over it" and making up things to make it sound like he's abusing her is your answer?

 

 

His problem is that he's unable to move on and come to terms with events, and this is on him, not her.

 

Wrong, she needs to help him come to terms with patience. Again, she brought this down on him. He didn't ask for it.

 

 

He has to modify his behaviour and attitude, because otherwise he will perpetually remain stuck in the frame of mind he's in right now.

nobody can shift things but him.

If she was callous, uncaring and still cheating on him and laughing behind his back, i could certainly agree that things would be different.

But that's not the case. He has a problem - and he knows it.

 

 

please don't be so disrespectful as to put words into my mouth. you take that snippet out of context, and nowhere did i tell him to 'just' get over it.

 

 

 

Did you not read the post where the op asks us to not diss or insult her, because he loves her?

 

 

 

Is this any way to speak about a girl who's messed up - but is clearly broken up about it?

This is really rude....

 

Furthermore his first post goes like this:

 

I had to snip the rest because it sounds like the words of a cheater defending another cheater.

[TaraMaiden]

Really? You mean the pain he feels has nothing to do with her? Interesting.

no, i didn't say that.

but he is perpetuating it and feeding it.

 

And thats fine, but it won't help him dissipate the pain and just "get over it" like that.

again with the 'out of context'.... twist away, dearest.

I know what i mean, even if you persistently refuse to comprehend it....

 

What she is doing, but thats not the point. The point is its going to take time.

Please show me anywhere when I've said it wouldn't....

 

This is something someone doesn't and shouldn't just "get over".

doesn't 'just get over'?

correct.

 

shouldn't?

you have to be kidding.

 

you think he shouldn't get over this?

even though he wants to?

 

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

and i suggested it does?

Where?

 

This isn't about compassion for her, this is about him trying to come to terms with it in his own time.

Not so.

This is absolutely about compassion for her.

but it's also about compassion for himself.

and while I agree he has to come to terms with it in his own time, part of the process of healing is to understand that too long a period of time is debilitating, self-destructive and non-constructive.

 

Compassion can come later for her if things seem to get back to some sort of normal. Until then, she simply needs to be patient if she is truly remorseful.

It's part of the cure to wish to be cured.

i suggested that possibly, the OP is deliberately antagonising feelings of discomfiture in his gf to maintain a level of control, and keep the incident 'present'.

The Op has not come back to us on this, so i really don't think i can make further comment or give opinion until he does.

 

Huh? Well that didn't stop you from making things up that he is still "throwing it in her face". Bringing something up with a need to talk about it is not throwing it in anyones face.

he never maintained that he brought it up in order to talk about it.

You do have a habit of creating 5 out of 2 + 2, haven't you...?

 

And telling him to just "get over it" and making up things to make it sound like he's abusing her is your answer?

sorry, 2 + 2 = 6.....

 

Wrong, she needs to help him come to terms with patience. Again, she brought this down on him. He didn't ask for it.

No, but by his own admission, he's perpetuating it....

 

 

I had to snip the rest because it sounds like the words of a cheater defending another cheater.

No.

As a Buddhist i make it my practice to try to see both sides if they're given.

He gave them.

I'm trying not to be biased.

whereas you have been name-calling and putting words and inferences into peoples' mouths.

 

I personally see my approach as being fairer.

If you've been cheated on yourself, then naturally that's going to colour your opinion....

[dasein]

There's an axis of not forgetting versus wallowing unduly. OP is showing some signs of the latter. IMO most of the differences of opinion in this thread can be summed up somewhere on that axis. No one is suggesting he huff paint until he truly forgets the cheating via brain damage.

[Feelsgoodman]

It happened because she wants other guys. She wanted that guy's member, and she swallowed it. Sorry to be so graphic about it, but its the truth and you need to see it in the coldest harshest terms out there, because it is what it is.

Agreed. Some women cheat simply because they can't help themselves. Your GF wan't even attracted to the guy...yet she gave him head anyway.

Edited April 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MatthewRogers]

she cheated man. she didnt care about you at the moment. it wasnt a mistake. i know how you are feeling. you are SOO happy with her and want to be with the most amazing thing to ever happen to you. i would probably want to stay with my gf too. but she did it. its done. took sexual pleasure from another male and gave it back. thats cheating. she did it once. gonna happen again if she drinks. sure she regrets it but it doesnt stop the fact that she did it. drinking just makes you more comfortable. doesnt change your decisions. she decided to cheat and she did cheat. so imo it should be done but thats just me... and everyone else here :/ sry man.

[nofool4u]

Please show me anywhere when I've said it wouldn't....

 

Telling him to just "get over it" pretty well covers that he shouldn't be allowed the time

 

 

doesn't 'just get over'?

correct.

 

shouldn't?

you have to be kidding.

 

you think he shouldn't get over this?

 

No in time he possibly can and should. But not because someone tells him browbeats him into it telling him to "get over it".

 

He should get over it in his own time, not because you want it to happen all to save a cheater's feelings in the short term.

 

 

and i suggested it does?

Where?

 

You wrote your post as someone who "throws it in her face". He is doing nothing of the sort. And if it comes up in a discussion, it isn't "throwing it in her face". You are painting a picture of some jerk that gets off on browbeating his gf. This is clearly not the case for anyone that can read his first post.

 

Point is, one can forgive, and not forget. That is what is happening in his situation. But you, with your angry sounding words to him, tried to paint him as some sort of jerk.

 

 

Not so.

This is absolutely about compassion for her.

 

No, its not. Because he isn't browbeating her as you'd like everyone here to believe. Hell, he is making excuses for her if anything. So he is doing the opposite of what you are accusing him of.

 

He is already giving her compassion. A helluva lot more compassion than most people give their cheaters after Dday. Its evident by his words. Now she needs to have the patience the help him through the pain she caused.

 

 

It's part of the cure to wish to be cured.

i suggested that possibly, the OP is deliberately antagonising feelings of discomfiture in his gf to maintain a level of control, and keep the incident 'present'.

 

You weren't suggesting "possibly" that OP is deliberately antagonizing her. You flat out implied it. He isn't, again, as evidenced by his posts. If the subject comes up, that isn't antagonizing anyone. Its feelings that are coming out, and sorry if you don't like it, but sometimes the betrayed need answers. She did the deed, she can put on her big girl panties and help him.

 

He isn't antagonizing her.

 

he never maintained that he brought it up in order to talk about it.

You do have a habit of creating 5 out of 2 + 2, haven't you...?

 

No, thats what you did with your accusations toward him. I think you owe him an apology.

 

 

sorry, 2 + 2 = 6.....

 

LOL, so telling him to "get over it" doesn't = telling him to "get over it"?

Someone needs to go back to remedial math class.

 

 

No, but by his own admission, he's perpetuating it....

 

Its HOW HE FEELS. He can't help but to feel betrayed, hurt. When someone f***s you over in one of the worst ways, you don't say, "bah, thats ok, I don't mind". It hurts, he's hurting, and its going to take time for the pain to diminish.

He isn't perpetuating anything. He is working through his feelings. If you want examples of perpetuating, there are tons of example on this site of people truly meaning to antagonize their betrayer.

 

This situation isn't one of them.

 

 

No.

As a Buddhist i make it my practice to try to see both sides if they're given.

He gave them.

I'm trying not to be biased.

 

Yet you are. Go back and read your post to him. Sounds alot like you are angry with him because of the way he is handling things. Doesn't sound very passive and Buddhist like to me.

 

 

 

whereas you have been name-calling and putting words and inferences into peoples' mouths.

 

1) show me where I called you a name.

and

2) I didn't put any words in your mouth. You said them, they are there in plain English, and you owe OP an apology.

 

 

I personally see my approach as being fairer.

 

You are kidding right? You treated him in your first post as if he was some sort of jerk.

 

 

If you've been cheated on yourself, then naturally that's going to colour your opinion....

 

And I suspect which side of the fence you come from as well.

[nofool4u]

There's an axis of not forgetting versus wallowing unduly. OP is showing some signs of the latter.

 

I can agree with that. Although he isn't antagonizing his gf as someone here would suggest. He is trying to work through things and the topic of her cheating is naturally going to come up. It can't go on forever if he decides to stay, but its understandable when triggers happen, and they will happen.

[TaraMaiden]

"If you don't know what to think - I'll tell you".

 

speaks volumes.

[nofool4u]

"If you don't know what to think - I'll tell you".

 

speaks volumes.

 

Really? Taking something I simply find amusing and thinking it speaks volumes?

 

What speaks volumes is your denigration of this guy.

 

And in a very un-Buddhist like way.

Edited April 19, 2012 by nofool4u

[TaraMaiden]

It's patently obvious you know absolutely nothing about Buddhism, so really, your comments are a cheap jab, and actually, quite ignorant of the practice.

Therefore meaningless.

[nofool4u]

It's patently obvious you know absolutely nothing about Buddhism

 

I know enough that any religion is suppose to be comforting and, although exceptions, are suppose to promote peace and harmony.

 

And there was nothing of the sort in the way you tore into OP. So if its obvious I know nothing about Buddhism, and I was under the impression its a religion of peace and harmony, I guess you are telling me I'm wrong, and that its not.

 

Either way, you owe OP an apology. He did nothing you accused him of and didn't deserve to be told in a rude way to get over the pain a cheater has caused him. He'll deal with it in his own time and doesn't need your cheater apologist attitude.