When is the right time to break No Contact, if ever?

[Nohbody]

The question is posed to the forum:

 

When is the right time to break No Contact, if ever?

 

I realize this is covered in the Caliguy No Contact thread (which if you have not read yet, you really should) but let us see if we can develop this particular element of No Contact a little more thoroughly.

 

What is necessary, and what is sufficient?

[Mr Scorpio]

Given the risks involved to the individual, I don't think there is a sufficient condition, everything is a necessary condition. To that end, I wouldn't recommend anyone break NC until they reach a point where they are reasonably certain that they will suffer no painful emotions regardless of what information they find out as a result.

 

You'd best be able to withstand the news that your ex is married, pregnant/got someone pregnant, dating someone you know, etc, etc.

[xxSRMxx]

hmm not sure....

 

If you look back on my posts when I originally joined this forum, It was over a completely different guy..who i now see with his now girlfriend and baby and it does not bother me whatsoever!

 

Its even more satisfying that around 18 months ago he asked me to get back with him, after all that pain aswell, I cant help hoping that happens with my current situation so i can do a big haha!

 

Back to the point, I think it is whenever YOURE ready, there is no set time to break it.

[BewitchedandBothered]

The question is posed to the forum:

 

When is the right time to break No Contact, if ever?

 

I realize this is covered in the Caliguy No Contact thread (which if you have not read yet, you really should) but let us see if we can develop this particular element of No Contact a little more thoroughly.

 

What is necessary, and what is sufficient?

It's not necessary; and that should be sufficient;) Unless it was an amicable split where you both are fine with it there is no reason to go back there. It's the past; you don't live there anymore.

[0hpenelope]

I broke NC surprisingly. I've been good with other exes since I remember they didn't really take care of me during the relationship and afterwards, but this one... he's good. I've already mentioned in another thread that it bothered me to say that I didn't want to speak to him ever again when our circumstances were actually not that bad, after I looked back on things without my anger. So since those were my last words, it will have taken him a long time to get in touch or he won't ever get in touch.

 

So I broke NC 'cause I'm over it. Sent him an e-mail. I can't even remember his face anymore. But he responded not too long afterwards in spite of me writing he doesn't have to respond, so now I'm at a loss as to whether or not I should keep the light contact going. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me. Still sitting on my decision because I really can go either way at this point.

 

I don't know what I want from this. And I don't know what will come out of this either. I'm okay with that for now.

[silvermane187]

You should only break NC when you are "over it". You must be able to take being ignored, or being told off, without having it ruin your mental and emotional state.

 

If you need to break NC to make an apology or forgive to help your healing that may be another good reason. Just know that it could blow up in your face if you don't have the ability to turn off your emotions towards this person.

 

Breaking NC when you still have hard feelings for the ex just to catch up is always a bad idea.

[Reddice]

You should only break NC when you are "over it". You must be able to take being ignored, or being told off, without having it ruin your mental and emotional state.

 

 

Though I fully agree with you, I wonder why anyone would even have the urge to contact their ex once they're over him/her? Doesn't this mean they're not really over it at all? However it may be, nothing good can come from it.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I think the time, if ever, is when one does not have to ask if it's time.

 

[TaraMaiden]

There are two times when it's ok to break contact;

When you are completely indifferent to their lives and it's to congratulate them over a significant event, (and even then, Reddice's question/comment is a valid one....)

 

Or only after they contact you seeking a full and honest reconciliation, with the promise to work doubly hard at getting it right this time round....

 

Any other situation, it really isn't worth it - if you broke up, and you're moving on, why would you want to have anything re-surface?

[0hpenelope]

Though I fully agree with you, I wonder why anyone would even have the urge to contact their ex once they're over him/her? Doesn't this mean they're not really over it at all? However it may be, nothing good can come from it.

 

I think what she meant to say (sorry if I'm speaking for you, OP) is when the person is over the anger and hurt towards the break up. I will again, if I may, speak from my experience.

 

With my ex, I knew he genuinely cared for me and that's what I remember. He hurt me and I hurt him too. I never apologized for the wrong things I did and said to him, during the relationship and after, and if this is what they mean by closure, I got my closure by reaching out to him over a year later. We were both responsible for this break up, but he was the one brave enough to essentially say "I'm done. We can't go on like this." After I stopped being angry and understood the situation given my limited understanding (since I can only perceive my side and not his side), I agreed with the break up 100%. I came to an understanding that the only reason why I'm hanging on to NC was because of sheer pettiness and grudge. I reached out because I wanted to be free from that so I can move on too.

 

Finally, when I said I loved him, it meant that his happiness is as important to me as my happiness is. It's still true and that has no conditions whatsoever at all. No one I truly loved will go away in my heart and I'm in the position now where his response or the absence of it will affect me. Now I just don't know what to say to him, but he'll hear again from me. I'm just taking my time because responding to him is not my priority.

 

These are my conditions for reaching out to him.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by "nothing good." Because some people, when they move on, will see establishing a friendship or a civil relationship with an ex as a good thing. Or even seeing how not good the ex for you after all, after you get in contact? That's a good thing too. Getting over the ex without contacting them ever again is just as good as all of the previous examples.

 

If people reach out to an ex with an expectation and the expectation is not fulfilled by the ex, then yeah, I agree that's not good. The ex that brought me here on LS 4 years ago, I haven't spoken to him in the same amount of time nor do I intend to, but I'm over my anger over that as well. I don't wish him good or bad things. Another ex reached out to me via Facebook and it was nice to be remembered, but we don't stay in active contact. He did try to see what was going on with me but we really grew into different people and I'm happy I didn't end up with him because he ended up not having the qualities I want in a man.

 

I see your perspective in your most recent post. I'm sorry that your ex caused you such pain. I hope, however, that you will be able to someday seek answers beyond NC because it really will only benefit you and your future partner. But for now, yes. NC, hardcore and all the way.

[silvermane187]

Though I fully agree with you, I wonder why anyone would even have the urge to contact their ex once they're over him/her? Doesn't this mean they're not really over it at all? However it may be, nothing good can come from it.

 

Nostalgia? Friendship? Curiosity? Forgiveness? Sex? Closure? etc etc

 

I would never contact my ex because my feelings for her run too deep, but I can think of lots of postitive reasons someone would want to get back into contact after a few years.

Edited April 17, 2012 by silvermane187

[LasVegasGuy]

When you want to be friends with a ex, and ALOT of people were 1 time friends or best friends with there ex and sometimes you can really start to miss the aspect of the former friendship. Which is why dumpers want to stay friends with dumpees, the relationship part might have not workes out but I believe if u were once friends that you should be able to return being friends.

 

Now I do have exs that we were never friends so I don't feel the need to contact them once I am over them, because we were never friends to begin with.

but the general rule of thumb is if you do miss being friends with a ex, make sure you can handle there Facebook post, new bf info, not hurting when you think about sexual contact between her and her other.

 

Heck I still call old male friends that I lost contact with, and im a str8 guy, just like to know what old friends are up to. But me and my last (major) ex where best friends for 5 years before we ever dated to behin with. So I do find myself missing that.

[LasVegasGuy]

The few exs I do talk to though, I am pure friends with them, am so over it that I can give them sexual advice to romantic advice.

[CopingGal]

A few books say about 3 months, if you want to talk. But I think that is for an ex who treated you well. If your ex is a cruel, lying, controlling, unstable slut like my ex bf is, then never.

[SuperGeek]

Never break the NC rule. If they left you high and dry in the outback, they aren't worth your friggan time man. Be done with that old crap and move on to the new. Seriously, don't even waste a single breath because it doesn't lead anywhere. You'll just end up back at the old place again and you won't EVER be able to trust them again.

 

There are billions of other women on the planet to talk to. Trust me, nothing going on in your ex's life is worth hearing about. NOTHING.

 

Oh and to you dumpers out there.... If you leave someone, stay the hell away from us. Leave us alone so we can heal. I don't care if you regret your decision at all. Tough cookies if you do... you should have thought about that before you laid down the hammer and quit on us. Be willing to handle what you asked for in the first place which is US (the dumped people) out of your life.

 

SuperGeek

[CopingGal]

Never break the NC rule. If they left you high and dry in the outback, they aren't worth your friggan time man. Be done with that old crap and move on to the new. Seriously, don't even waste a single breath because it doesn't lead anywhere. You'll just end up back at the old place again and you won't EVER be able to trust them again.

 

There are billions of other women on the planet to talk to. Trust me, nothing going on in your ex's life is worth hearing about. NOTHING.

 

Oh and to you dumpers out there.... If you leave someone, stay the hell away from us. Leave us alone so we can heal. I don't care if you regret your decision at all. Tough cookies if you do... you should have thought about that before you laid down the hammer and quit on us. Be willing to handle what you asked for in the first place which is US (the dumped people) out of your life.

 

SuperGeek

 

 

Whoa, don't be so harsh. I had no choice but to dump my boyfriend. He was ignoring 80% of my phone calls and no longer making time for me. He was treating me like garbage so I dumped him. Not all dumpers are bad. Some people treat their partners so badly, they have no choice but to do the dumping.

[SuperGeek]

Whoa, don't be so harsh. I had no choice but to dump my boyfriend. He was ignoring 80% of my phone calls and no longer making time for me. He was treating me like garbage so I dumped him. Not all dumpers are bad. Some people treat their partners so badly, they have no choice but to do the dumping.

 

I understand that these situations happen and I'm not sure why you are taking what I said personally. The comment was targeted to a general audience of women who have dumped guys who were good to them, not abusive pricks such as your ex. So I'm sorry if you took offence, but this wasn't meant for you.

 

Anyhow, my _point_ was that if you do break up with someone, please respect their space and stay away from them so they can heal. I'm tired of these dumpers regretting their decisions and trying to come back like it's no big thing. It IS a big thing.

 

SuperGeek

[CopingGal]

Hi. I guess I took it personally because dumpers have such a bad rep on this site . However, I do know what it's like not be left alone when you need to heal. If it's really bad, I suggest being prepared to go to the cops. I had to consider getting a restraining order because my ex kept bothering me, even though he was going to marry the woman he cheated on me with. I'm glad three threats to report him to the cops finally worked, but I was prepared to go to the cops if the third threat did not register with him.

[Graceful]

The question is posed to the forum:

 

When is the right time to break No Contact, if ever?

 

I realize this is covered in the Caliguy No Contact thread (which if you have not read yet, you really should) but let us see if we can develop this particular element of No Contact a little more thoroughly.

 

What is necessary, and what is sufficient?

 

Why are you asking? Are you trying to gain insight as to why your ex contacted you? I assume she broke up with you ...

 

As for breaking NC -- don't you think after a certain period of time, NC doesn't really exist? You just drift apart from someone who is not your friend, who left you and made a decision about not wanting you in his/her life, who is part of a closed chapter in your life, whose life is not your business, and who doesn't really have the right to know anything about your life, ETC.

 

I mean, after a year, saying, inferring, or defining the lack of contact as being in NC is a bit ridiculous, IMO. It should just be accepted that the person is part of your past and it's just logical that you would not be in touch. You're not "in" anything by then, if anything, you're "out of contact" at that point, done and done.

 

BTW, you're looking very dapper, my friend.

 

PS What is necessary is a reason and a purpose and a clear head. You need to be able to state up front why you are contacting, what you want. You need to be able to articulate all of this. AND you need, as someone said above, to accept the lack of a response, the lack of warmth, and / or any news that could be inflicted on you that might hurt you. It's rarely, if ever, worth it. Let sleeping dogs lie. If you do not part as friends (in theory, as in a fair and amicable breakup) any contact after that is to assuage guilt (for the dumper) or to gain closure (for the dumpee) both of which are proven to be illusive, non-existent wastes of time. IMO, of course.