Where to go from here?

[mitch6662004]

I have been seeing this girl for almost a year now. We met online and chatted for about a year before we met. The first night we met we got physical and ended up having sex. I think she thought that I wouldn't want to see her again and that would be it because it was kind of awkward. But we did see each other again and decided to be friends with benefits.

 

She has 3 kids and is 6 years older than me and is divorced. She was in a "I hate men" mode when we first started up. I knew all this going in and figured none of this would matter as we are doing the friends with benefits thing. Things went good for awhile. We got along great. But then she developed feelings for me and said we couldn't keep doing this. I told her that I had feelings for her as well, but probably not as great as hers.

 

Her feelings kept getting stronger and stronger, but mine stayed about the same. I thought of her more like a friend. She thought of me as much more than that. This had become a problem in the relationship. One night I said a bunch of things that I regret saying to her. I don't know why I said these things. I guess deep down I didn't want her to be getting all these feelings, so I was trying to push her away. We stayed together and things I thought were going to be OK.

 

One problem I have is that I don't compliment her. She is a very attractive girl and has a very nice body for her age and having 3 kids. I can compliment a total stranger and not her. I don't compliment people that I know in general. I know that is a problem I have, but don't really know how to address it and that is a big issue for her as she likes to hear compliments and wants to hear them from me and not strangers.

 

Another issue she has is that we have been together for almost a year and that I don't know how I feel towards her. I obviously have feelings for her. I wouldn't be with her if I didn't. Just not that kind of person. Right now she wants to end things and leave them ended. She is the type that once something is over then that's it. She has mentioned in the past that she would have a one-nighter just to get over me so she could just move on. I could not do that. Would be too soon and would feel like cheating to me.

 

I recently had appendicitus and was hospitalized. I felt like I was going to die laying there in the hospital waiting to be seen. I waited probably around 5 hours before I was seen by a doctor. I never called her though while I was there, just mentioned earlier that if the pain kept on that I would go to the emergency room. I didn't even phone my parents until I knew what was going on. I guess I didn't want to worry either parties. I don't like to cause people to worry about me. She actually tracked me down and called me and was there the day after my surgery and that showed to me how much she really did care about me.

 

Basically she wants to walk away though because I can't offer her the things she needs like the compliments and expressing feelings for her. She says that after a year I should know my real feelings for her. I do know that I can't see myself without her in my life.

 

Sorry for the long-winded post. If you need more detail just ask. Hopefully someone can shed some light on my situation for me. I really don't know where to go from here.

 

Thanks.

[uriel]

If you can't give this woman real emotional intimacy and a commitment after being together for so long, you should let her go. She deserves a man who loves her without reservation. It's not just about superficial things like compliments, presents, etc. It's about her feeling like you respond to her feelings equally with your own. You've said you don't. You feel about the same as when you started seeing her. You think you might care for her since you've stayed around, but you're not sure how much.

 

Sounds like you don't want to lose the companionship and sex, but you don't do a great job of connecting with other people in general on the level she wants and needs -- the usual level between intimate couples. You could seek professional counseling to learn what's blocking your ability to feel here. You might also read Steven Carter's book Men Who Can't Love. He's a therapist who went through the same sort of experience himself -- similar to yours.

 

Wish I could help more -- I'm sure this is an uncomfortable situation for you. A man I loved very much had the same sort of problem, and I left him for good. I still love him -- always will, but I couldn't take the pain anymore. If you don't want to lose this woman, you'll need to take some dramatic measures soon -- and mean them.

 

Otherwise, again, please let her go for her sake. It's not right to take without giving, which is what having sex with a woman who's in love with you when you don't feel the same is. End it kindly -- a final letter, something. Tell her she deserves better than what you're able to give. She needs her emotional energy for her children. (Which raises the issue of whether, if you ever meant to be together, you could be a father to them. Your emotional distancing might do them more harm than good, too.)

 

-- uriel