Another sad story...

[GettingOver]

Don't bother (especially with the language barrier), his wife isn't going anywhere. He'll make you look like a lunatic anyway.

I have a lot of pictures that speak louder than words of any language. And I can tell her where he has a birth mark which I could never know if I didn't see him naked

[GettingOver]

That is another example of how outrageous his lies are.

 

I dated xmm for almost 2 years under the assumption that he was separated. Why did I assume, because he lied, lied and lied some more. Long distance makes it a lot easier for someone to do this to you. When I talked to his wife, one of the things she asked me, didn't you see his ring. I said never, well guess what, he had the pulling the ring off and on down to perfection. The other lies......would curl your hair! Oh and he used his dying father to cover up, he used his daughter, his grandchildren. I'm telling you nothing is sacred to a pathological liar.

 

To someone who he hasn't happened to, it's hard to believe, because you don't realize how cunning a liar is.

 

GO, you need to look within yourself because you looked over the 1st big flag and that was you knew he was married. What made that OK? Why didn't that set your alarm off?

 

For myself.....I didn't know, but still, I looked over things that in hindsight I shouldn't have. Con men.......are damn good at it, but still the responsibility lies within ourselves. Yes.......I'm OK now, although I will never be the same and yes I still have anger toward him but the anger at myself is resolved. It takes time....GO and lots of self reflection and maybe some professional help to help you sort it out. Just don't make excuses for him, don't tell yourself that it's ok, It's not in any way. When you come to that realization you are going to be very pissed off......at him and yourself. Then the work starts.

About the ring: I guess mine did not practice that much as yours. When he pulled his ring off I could see a trace. He mentioned he never took it off before. After that he sent me a picture from home and I looked at his finger. The ring was not there.

To answer your question what made it ok that I knew he was married: when I met him a recently broke up with a bf, it was nasty and I was depressed. When he appeared I thought that I need something nice in my life even if it was for 1-3 days, sort of ego stroke. I did not take him serious or put any hope intohim. I was attracted to him and wanted to spend a good time. I said to myself that 3 days - and he is gone. Never see him again. Will be forgotten in another 3 days or a week.

But he came back and told me a sweet story about separation and that he loved me and that I am so special, etc. At first we'd meet only when he had business here but business didn't work and he started coming on his own, I thought I was special because why would a man fly from one country to another just for sex?.. But I guess it was not so exhausting for him and he likes traveling and I think he was in love with me... at least for some time and no matter what lied about divorce.

Btw, he nearly cried when breaking up with me over the phone. I guess he had some feelings besides sexual desire even if he never had an intention to divorce.

[LoveTKO]

I want to thank everyone for responces and support, I even feel a little better

LoveTKO, you are probably right and my foreign Casanova is a "professional". When I looked in his blue eyes I trusted each word he said. I never trusted a man like I trusted him. And I never dated a MM before so I trusted a cheater more that anybody ever - ridiculous! And yes, once I told him that I am tired of being od distance and miss him so much all the time. He said - well, but that's why it is so special. YES, but I would prefer having him all the time and let go for a few days in a months, not vise versa! Even is sex gets less "sparkling".

I guess you are not head over heels in love with your married woman and do not want her to divorce?

spice4life, I guess I should now call myself LeavingBehind

 

 

I guess not....and it confuses her at times. She said that it was all sex /passion at first, but we did become really good friends with feelings for each other. She has played her "hot and cold" power games all along....so...I thought, "two can play this game". So I played along a little but then surreptitiously turned her into my playmate... Why did I go that route? Because I love the passion first and foremost and I can't really trust someone who laments about their marriage but chooses to stay in it and cheat. I wasn't born yesterday. My sex life has been off the hook intense - I turned this little game around big time But I am worried about her state of mind per my other thread/post.... She thought she could hang but it's catching up to her. the Demons are knocking at her door.

[GettingOver]

Maybe maybe not. I agree it wouldn't surprise me if it was made up but if she had an honorable, integrity-driven answer it would be "OMG I can't do this to your daughter, GTFO and back to them now!"

 

If its a line he's using it because he's rewarded with the sympathy yet clinging. And it is perfectly possible that parental discord is the reason for anorexia. I know a girl who started down that path when her dad was never home and was emotionally unavailable to the family. Guess what? He was screwing a bimbo half his age.

 

If its made up then that's worse but she'll never know. She can't make him be a good person but she doesn't need to be a cheater too. It's a myth the OW is not also cheating.

 

You are right, I should have given such an answer. But I did not expect this and was crying the whole day. Couldn't help it.

According to him he spent nearly each evening and weekend with his kids. He was absolutely emotionally available for them. By the moment the girl got anorexia he was not living in his house for 2 years (according to his words). How possible it that reaction comes after 2 years? I don't understand.

[wannabdone]

Who did that to your for so long?.. Also a married man?...

Actually my MM justified himself in the end by saying he never promised me anything... How about "would you go to a far-away country with me?", "I will not be able to provide you a life of a princess but a normal life for sure", "my marriage is definitely over, I will sort things out by new year". Yes, he did not say "I promise to " thing. But he did his best to make me think I am important enough for our common future, ie he was future faking.

 

 

Funny how the can change up what they say!!!

 

Well, I have learned I did it to myself. I allowed it. However, I was deeply in love with a MM for 10 years and bought everything he said hook line and sinker. "he wasn't a bad person, just caught in a bad situation", blah blah blah. However, like I said, I realized that I own what I did. Yes, he's a liar and lied to me, yes he played me and took advantage of me, but I allowed him to do all of it.

 

I promise you, give it time... you will start seeing things MUCH more clear.

[spice4life]

Maybe maybe not. I agree it wouldn't surprise me if it was made up but if she had an honorable, integrity-driven answer it would be "OMG I can't do this to your daughter, GTFO and back to them now!"

 

If its a line he's using it because he's rewarded with the sympathy yet clinging. And it is perfectly possible that parental discord is the reason for anorexia. I know a girl who started down that path when her dad was never home and was emotionally unavailable to the family. Guess what? He was screwing a bimbo half his age.

 

If its made up then that's worse but she'll never know. She can't make him be a good person but she doesn't need to be a cheater too. It's a myth the OW is not also cheating.

 

Believe me, I am not one of those people who thought "he was the cheater not me." She just as culpable as he is because she went into it knowing he was married. But this is clearly a case where he only wanted an affair and dangled carrots to keep her hooked and where she decided she wanted more from him so she hung on for the ride. He should have just been honest and said, "I only want to have an affair" instead of leading her to believe otherwise (that's on him) and she should have said, "call me if and when you are divorced" if she wanted more than an affair (that's on her). That didn't happen and she learned what affairs are like, so now she knows not to mess with a married man. Yes, she also needs to take responsibility for allowing herself to go down that road to begin with, when she should have walked away in the very beginning instead of giving into her desires, just like he should have rebuffed her advances. Hopefully, she has learned that lesson and won't opt to insert herself in someone else's marriage again.

Edited April 17, 2012 by spice4life

[Gentlegirl2]

YOu said in your first post that you felt like doing something good for yourself when you hooked up with this man.

 

It seems that affairs rarely make anybody feel good about anything, as many of us here have discovered.

 

It also seems doubtful that you will ever learn the truth about MM and his marriage. It is doubly convoluted since he is from another country. It is difficult enough to learn anything when they live around the corner.

 

I understand that you are feeling the discontent that eventually seems to come from being in an EMR. So sorry that you are going through all this.

 

Maybe it would be helpful if you sought some counselling to straighten out your thoughts on the A and to help with any self esteem issues that might have resulted from tangling with this man.

 

From what you have said he sounds like a consummate player.

 

Good Luck,

 

GG

[wannabdone]

First of all you have to internalize that you cannot believe a single word he says about anything. About what her illness is, if she is sick, how long he has lived apart. None of it.

 

Second, if there's any truth to it- it's perfectly possible, likely in fact that a cheating man is unavailable emotionally to his kids. You are mistaking physically available for emotionally available. Being able to go over if she is sick or has an exam is not the same thing as emotionally available.

 

 

But, IMO this is the common excuse these men use the do the future faking. They seem to not understand that they can be there for their children, with out physically being there. Which is so ironic, as they profess to love someone more than life itself, but are never actually there for this person they say they love so much. (OW).... Funny how it works with the affair, but not with their children. Ie...they are full of sheet. And it is things like this you don't see when your in the thick of things, these are the things that you only start to see once you get out of it.

[wannabdone]

wbd I think there's an obvious correlation. They are emotionally unavailable. Period. To everyone. It's what I mean when I say it's a problem in them not their marriage. They are simply EU and it affects their spouse, children and mistress. The only difference is a mistress has no rights to emotional availability and usually men who have affairs are inherently EU so in a way she downed on that to get him into the affair.

 

Wait... am I misreading this? What was the bolded statement? I am reading it as every mistress is "getting" the MM to have an affair??????

[spice4life]

Spice I don't disagree with what you just said at all. It's just my way to get that message across.

 

Not wanting to hijack though- but spice re-read what you wrote and the. Apply it to my H. He was depressed, targeted and was a b*****d cheater. It doesn't make him less of a cheater but it does make Ow less pitiable and more culpable without his being less culpable.

 

Quick thread jack, I completely agree Brighter. I can actually empathize with the whole depression thing because it happened to me too. During a very trying time in my life, I got depressed and handled it all very badly.

 

To the OP, I hope you find peace soon. When you are on the other side of all of this, you will see it as one big painful learning experience. Use it to learn about yourself and dig deep to figure out why you ventured down this path to begin with. It helps.

[wannabdone]

Downed should have been "depended". Damn autocorrect.

 

I don't mean she forced him. I mean she wanted the affair, she wasn't forced. And she couldnt have had an affair with a Mm if he wasn't EU IMHO. So she can't complain he's EU to her now. She needed him to be Eu to be in a relationship with him. Would not have happened otherwise. Wasn't about "making" anyone do anything.

 

LMAO.... "smart phones"

[whichwayisup]

Downed should have been "depended". Damn autocorrect.

 

There's a commerical I've seen, this woman calls in sick to work and tells her boss she's in bed with a nasty clown.. It's so funny! The way she says, I just told my boss I'm in bed with a nasty clown..I mean nasty cold...Damn you autocorrect. lol

[wannabdone]

There's a commerical I've seen, this woman calls in sick to work and tells her boss she's in bed with a nasty clown.. It's so funny! The way she says, I just told my boss I'm in bed with a nasty clown..I mean nasty cold...Damn you autocorrect. lol

 

 

That is awesome!! I was wondering what "down" meant in BW's sentence. But I thought... well depending on where she is from maybe thats a term they use. That's why I said am I understanding you???

 

I posted I was condensing yesterday. Yup! I'm all about evaporation!!

 

I will have to youtube that commerical. Sounds hysterical!

[GettingOver]

Downed should have been "depended". Damn autocorrect.

 

I don't mean she forced him. I mean she wanted the affair, she wasn't forced. And she couldnt have had an affair with a Mm if he wasn't EU IMHO. So she can't complain he's EU to her now. She needed him to be Eu to be in a relationship with him. Would not have happened otherwise. Wasn't about "making" anyone do anything.

I read the Baggage Reclaim blog - about future faking, emotional unavailability, etc. I am not sure if I was/am EU, I guess I was rather needy, desperate and had low self esteem if I stepped into such an affair with my eyes open. I justified myself by saying to myself he'd leave and I will forget him without any pain. Stupid mistake.

Where does emotional unavailability come from?.. From past painful experience (I had enough), from childhood... But I had and have a very good father, the only thing I can say that he was reading/working on his sofa most of the time, didn't like to be bothered, but he did pay attention to me when I needed. Always. He played with me when I was small, he helped me with lessons, he walked me to school every morning. He always said that he was old enough for fatherhood when I was born (44) and treasured everything younger father couldn't due to young age. I was always afraid to disappoint him though. I don't know why. He never even yelled at me or punished me.

The funny thing is that... 6 years ago I was in a very similar situation, the man was foreign, 20 years older, 2 kids but divorced. He proposed to me on a second date (at the end of our vacation) and then couldn't make it to my country in about a whole year for different reasons. It ended due to he had numerous problems with kids/parents/work and couldn't concentrate on me at that time. And yes, his daughter found out about me and became very unhappy about it.

To be honest I don't know why am I in so much pain for men who have that much baggage and put me on the last place in their lives. I am not sure I ever had a truly happy relationship in my life. This relationship with a mm was happy because I chose to close my eyes for a whole year and created pink fluffy clouds for myself. I never felt like a mistress.

Maybe I really have a problem in my head...

[GettingOver]

First of all you have to internalize that you cannot believe a single word he says about anything. About what her illness is, if she is sick, how long he has lived apart. None of it.

 

Second, if there's any truth to it- it's perfectly possible, likely in fact that a cheating man is unavailable emotionally to his kids. You are mistaking physically available for emotionally available. Being able to go over if she is sick or has an exam is not the same thing as emotionally available.

Looks like I really cannot believe a single word he said. What wouldn't come to mind is that he was EU to his kids. All the time I asked him what he was doing he'd say he was doing some activities with kids - evenings, week ends. Maybe he lied to look better though. He seemed like a perfect dad (from what he said again). The only thing that seemed strange to me was that kids of such age spend that much time with daddy...

[alexandria35]

I read the Baggage Reclaim blog - about future faking, emotional unavailability, etc. I am not sure if I was/am EU, I guess I was rather needy, desperate and had low self esteem if I stepped into such an affair with my eyes open. I justified myself by saying to myself he'd leave and I will forget him without any pain. Stupid mistake.

Where does emotional unavailability come from?.. From past painful experience (I had enough), from childhood... But I had and have a very good father, the only thing I can say that he was reading/working on his sofa most of the time, didn't like to be bothered, but he did pay attention to me when I needed. Always. He played with me when I was small, he helped me with lessons, he walked me to school every morning. He always said that he was old enough for fatherhood when I was born (44) and treasured everything younger father couldn't due to young age. I was always afraid to disappoint him though. I don't know why. He never even yelled at me or punished me.

The funny thing is that... 6 years ago I was in a very similar situation, the man was foreign, 20 years older, 2 kids but divorced. He proposed to me on a second date (at the end of our vacation) and then couldn't make it to my country in about a whole year for different reasons. It ended due to he had numerous problems with kids/parents/work and couldn't concentrate on me at that time. And yes, his daughter found out about me and became very unhappy about it.

To be honest I don't know why am I in so much pain for men who have that much baggage and put me on the last place in their lives. I am not sure I ever had a truly happy relationship in my life. This relationship with a mm was happy because I chose to close my eyes for a whole year and created pink fluffy clouds for myself. I never felt like a mistress.

Maybe I really have a problem in my head...

 

Okay well I'm no therapist but having read a little more of your history I would say you definitely have some daddy issues. Your dad sounds like a good guy but did you connect with him on an emotional level? Part of being a good parent includes disciplining our children. When you needed to be disciplined who did it? Your mom? Nobody? It's true that older parents can be more mature and stable than younger parents and they may appreciate their kids but there are pros and cons to everything. There was a huge generation gap between you and your father.

 

When I was born my grandfather was 46. When I was a kid I lived with my grandparents and my youngest uncle for several years. My uncle was only 3 years older than me. My grandfather was a good man. Went to work everyday, was home for dinner every night. Paid the bills, behaved maturely and responsibly. Sometimes I would sit in his lap and read to him. He was always kind to me, never raised his voice or his hand to me. But mostly I remember him sitting in his recliner every night and reading the paper then turning in early every night. I loved him but there was no real emotional connection between us and I suspect my uncle who was still a child himself also felt the emotional distance.

 

You have twice given yourself to married men who live in entirely different countries and who are old enough to be your father. You seem to equate love with the painful feelings of missing someone and longing for them. You think it should be difficult with impossible obstacles to overcome. Fantasy trumps reality. If I were you I would get yourself a new therapist. I'm shocked that your therapist said there was nothing more to do for you. We all have things to learn about ourselves and we're always learning no matter how old we get. Therapy can help this process and one doesn't have to be an emotional basket case to get the benefits from therapy.

[GettingOver]

How do you even know what their real ages are? He may have five kids for all you know.

He showed pictures, they lookde this age... Maybe he had more but I doubt...

[GettingOver]

Okay well I'm no therapist but having read a little more of your history I would say you definitely have some daddy issues. Your dad sounds like a good guy but did you connect with him on an emotional level? Part of being a good parent includes disciplining our children. When you needed to be disciplined who did it? Your mom? Nobody? It's true that older parents can be more mature and stable than younger parents and they may appreciate their kids but there are pros and cons to everything. There was a huge generation gap between you and your father.

 

When I was born my grandfather was 46. When I was a kid I lived with my grandparents and my youngest uncle for several years. My uncle was only 3 years older than me. My grandfather was a good man. Went to work everyday, was home for dinner every night. Paid the bills, behaved maturely and responsibly. Sometimes I would sit in his lap and read to him. He was always kind to me, never raised his voice or his hand to me. But mostly I remember him sitting in his recliner every night and reading the paper then turning in early every night. I loved him but there was no real emotional connection between us and I suspect my uncle who was still a child himself also felt the emotional distance.

 

You have twice given yourself to married men who live in entirely different countries and who are old enough to be your father. You seem to equate love with the painful feelings of missing someone and longing for them. You think it should be difficult with impossible obstacles to overcome. Fantasy trumps reality. If I were you I would get yourself a new therapist. I'm shocked that your therapist said there was nothing more to do for you. We all have things to learn about ourselves and we're always learning no matter how old we get. Therapy can help this process and one doesn't have to be an emotional basket case to get the benefits from therapy.

My therapist was a ****ty one I believe. I told him about the situation in general and said I was afraid to get into long term depression. He said I look ok, mentioned possible daddy problems but that was it. And it is a little bit expensive... I guess I couldn't afford it on a regular babsis...

Maybe I do not understand what an emotional connection is but I guess I had and still have it with my dad. It was always easier talking to him that to my mother. He did not descipline me much but I generally was not much of a troublemaker. Yes, when I was a kid he was mostly busy reading in his room and seemed soft of distant. And he and mom mother were not happy together. They had no connection...

The first foreign older guy was not married when I met him but it didn't help much... I 'd say these two older foreign men were my deppest feelings so far. Maybe it does have some connection with "father reading in his room".

Did you EU grandfather affect your love life in any way?..