My husband is lying about viewing internet porn

[coolbeans]

My husband looks at A LOT of internet porn. I mean so much that I can't imagine how he's ever gotten through it all. I found out about it a few months ago when it was downloading automatically....when I confronted him about it, we discussed why it bothered me and why he did it. He said that he viewed the prn as a distraction - something he's donwe since he was a teenager. It bothers me because I think it's a distraction from our marriage. Now, we've been married since April and living with eachother since January 2003. Our sex life used to be very active and now it's down to once a week. His reason is because he gets the intimacy on a daily basis that he used to onloy get through sex - and this frustrates me. How can he look at porn but not want to have sex with his wife????? I asked him to stop and he said he would - but he still has the stuff automatically downloading every day.

 

Can someone help me with the intense rage I feel? I mean, he is lying to me but I feel that my sneaking around his computer in some ways to find out is just as bad as him lying about looking at it. And I have such resentment towards him about our sex life I could scream. I want sex all the time and am willing to do anything to turn him on. Jeez, I am so into wanting to make love to him that I've tried almost everything. We both agree that our sex life is great when we have it - but the thing is, it's only once a week.

 

The other thing is that I would totally view the porn with him as I find it just as much of a turn on as he does. But it's a private thing with him.

 

What's the deal? Can someone offer me advice?

[johan]

Would he consider giving it up for 2 weeks or a month just to see what happens? Could he do it? Is it compulsive or a choice?

[Moose]

Personally, sex once a week isn't really something you should gripe about. Some of us are lucky to get it once every two weeks or so. Also, you've been together since Jan. of 03, you need to expect the sex drive to level out a bit. Typically, it'll last for few months then he'll gain that drive back, then it'll slack off, it's a roller coaster..

 

Don't get me wrong, looking at porn on the inter net, or anywhere else, can slow down sex with the wife to self gratification. You mentioned that you look at it with him and also get turned on by it. So, have you thought about allowing him to take pictures or even tape you two to give him something to look at besides strange women? I'll probably get the old chewing out by other posters on here, but I wish my wife would approach me and say, hey, let's try this......

 

Also, get you some of that warming ky gel, or flavored body lotion, sexy bedroom outfits, spice it up a little for him....or even quiz him on what he'd like to do in the bedroom....get a book on positions and ask him what he'd like to try......anyway, these are just suggestions from a male point of view....the women in here may have better ones.....

 

Good Luck!!!

 

Moose

[coolbeans]

My problem is that he lies about it. I haven't looked at the porn with him, but I would. I've done everything from bondage to role play - taken pictures etc. Our sex life is great - it's just the frequency i'm concerned about as well as why he feels he needs to look at other women and then lie about it.

[Moose]

Well, like I said, the sex drive is going to level off at some point, then it'll pick up....sounds like to me you are a lot of fun....I don't know if maybe since you've done all those things, he's looking just because of what I call the, "What if" factor. What if she, (Ladies in porn), were attracted to me? For some reason us men love to fantisize that other attractive, sexy, sex loving women are attracted to us. Then when we are confronted with it we defend ourselves because we know, or at least think, what your reaction would be.

 

 

Another thought you might consider is that maybe you have too strong a sex drive and maybe you need to work on that.....once a week.....to me, would be wonderfull!!!!! But my wife doesn't have that strong of a sex drive and I've learned how to control my urges....not through porn either....I would just tell him, "I know you look at porn and that's ok, just don't lie to me about it and invite me once in a while to look at it with you".

 

Would you consider rubbing off on my wife?????? hehe

[coolbeans]

I guess it really is a male/female thing, then. I can't imagine why he would have to fantasize about other women wanting him. I mean, I can look at a good looking man and enjoy the view, but if I'm looking at porn, I get turned on and want my husband.....not to just imagine those men wanting me. I don't get it. And we want to start having children....so my concern there is that we'll never have sex after that.

 

I was very reserved sexually when we first met and he introduced me to a lot of things. I guess my problem now is that I know he slept with a fair number of women before me, liked to have sex a lot, yadda yadda yadda.......and now that we're in love and he's getting the intimacy he desires, I lose out on the incredible sex.

 

I've done everything from met him at the door in lingerie to leaving sexy notes in his briefcase.....even met him at the airport in nothing but a raincoat........that was then and now I'm lucky to get him to make love once a week. I know that I shouldn't be complaining about the frequency, but if he can look at pron every day, then why can't he look at me the same way?

[Butterfly_Queen]

Hi, I have had the same problem with my H. It started about a year ago. I told him how I felt about it and he said he would stop. Well guess what, he didn't. It went from viewing what I considered normal porn to hard extreme things. Not only that he started to lie about it to my face as if the files weren't enough to prove it. When they begin to deny or lie about, then the problem then becomes bigger. I have found that sometimes when someone is called on something, rarely do they stop, they just become better at hiding it. Its one thing to view porn on an occasion but when it becomes frequent and it interferes with your sex life then its time to do something about it. Addicts will lie, and deny, lie and deny.

 

You will find people helpful on here but you will also find people that will tell you its no big deal. I have had that happen. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your marriage. My thing is, that when you tell someone that something bothers you, that should be enough for them to stop. However when they don't, its a disrespect to you and the relationship. Maybe you should try talking with him again and see where things stand. If it continues, then maybe you should suggest counseling. Hope things work out for you.

[Moose]

Have you tried reverse phycology? Next time he's hot and bothered, tell him to take a cold shower, tell him, "Remember when I was hot and bothered and you blew me off? Turn around is fair play". This may be risky in your case, but it's a thought.

 

When I said fantasize about other women having the hots for us men turns us on, I didn't mean to visualize having sex with them, to me that's as bad as cheating. When I see something sexy all I want is my wife, fortunatley, my wife has the body of a porn star.......no joke either. In some ways that makes my situation worse because I can't keep my hands off of her and like I said earlier, her drive isn't as hard as mine so it's like being at a buffett and not allowed to eat.

 

When we watch a porn movie together, she fantasizes having sex with the woman. Again, to me that's as bad as cheating. But it's something she has been trying to fight against.....her Sister-in-law is the same way and now we don't watch porn at all because of the temptation she has to move forward with her Sister-in-law.

 

I don't know what I can say that will cause your husband to having a better sex drive and to get to where you want him to be. The best thing is to talk to him about it and let him know what your desires and needs are. I sincerely hope that you don't resort to something outside your marriage.

[Confused123]

I think you have every right to complain about your having sex once a week.. I am also someone who has a very high sex drive, I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 and a half, we have sex between 4-8 times a week, depending on our moods and stuff. However, my boyfriend views porn and at first I HATED it.. However, I have gotten better about his porn viewing, but ONLY if I still get sex all the time. If I knew he was viewing porn and our sex life died, I would not tolerate that. I am all for some self-pleasure, I do it frequently myself, but it has never made me not wnat to have sex with my man.. If your husband is downloading stuff EVERYDAY, that is a bit excessive and I would definately tell him, that he really needs to start focusing more on making your guys sex life happy and stop viewing porn daily.

 

My boyfriend explained to me, that his porn viewing has nothing to do with his desire for me and I believe him, cause we have amazing sex and almost everyday... So, when everyone seya your relationship slows down, yes it can and it has with us too. But, if it slowed down and he was downloading porn everyday I don't blame you for feeling fustrated.. I would probably take that fuc&ing computer and throw it out the window. You sound like a very giving women, who is open sexually to new things. I don't blame you for being upset....

[StartingAgain]

I have no moral problem with *most* porn. (excluded is that that degrades women or promotes sexual violence against women.) It's meant as a form of entertainment. Porn can serve as an outlet for those without a partner (fantasy fuel) and as a way for a couple to add a bit of spice to their love life. BUT, and this is a big but, internet porn can be a trap that leads to obsession. My greatest concern is that so much of the porn on the internet is so, so sick and twisted. I've known a lot of guys to get caught up in this. First they're just viewing porn. Then it gets into kinky porn and progresses to use of the sex chatrooms, frequenting the sites where couples have live web cam sex and orgies, and posting ads on places like AdultFriendFinder (a dating site for people looking to hook up for sex). Of all the married guys I've know who get caught up in the porn trap, every single one of them have ended with major problems in their marriage. They forgot that their wives are supposed to be their sexual outlet and partner, not some imaginary or real person on the net. The way I see it, except to satisy curiosity, a married man should not be viewing porn except as a part of his sexual relationship with his wife, and only if she's into it (not forced to view it with him).

 

If your husband is preferring porn to a real, good, healthy sex life with you, and he's lying about it, there's no doubt about it -- he has a problem that he needs to deal with immediately. If he can't do this alone, he must go into therapy.

[johan]

The way I see it, except to satisy curiosity, a married man should not be viewing porn except as a part of his sexual relationship with his wife, and only if she's into it (not forced to view it with him).

 

I agree completely.

[BlueLP]

Originally posted by StartingAgain

Of all the married guys I've know who get caught up in the porn trap, every single one of them have ended with major problems in their marriage. They forgot that their wives are supposed to be their sexual outlet and partner, not some imaginary or real person on the net.

 

But do you think porn was the underlying cause of all the marriage problems? I have a hard time believing that. Because I would say that someone who had other problems with the marriage would also be more likely to get caught up in the porn trap as some sort of substitute. So other problems became the cause of both the porn obsession and the major marital problems (and after that the porn may have caused exacerbations).

 

The way I see it, except to satisy curiosity, a married man should not be viewing porn except as a part of his sexual relationship with his wife, and only if she's into it (not forced to view it with him).

 

If your husband is preferring porn to a real, good, healthy sex life with you, and he's lying about it, there's no doubt about it -- he has a problem that he needs to deal with immediately. If he can't do this alone, he must go into therapy.

 

The lying is definitely a problem, because it seem that views on porn differ from couple to couple, and being on the same page with each other is the most important.

[coolbeans]

The lying is the biggest problem for me. Our marriage is truly a happy one - we openly comunicate about everything - except for this. From what I understand through the conversation we had before when I first found the porn, it serves as a distraction for him when under stress. He just started a new job at the time - now the job is more hectic and the poor guy can hardly sleep at night he is under so much stress from it.

 

My problem is how do I bring it up? I mean I'm sneaking around looking at his computer to find the files. Not very upfront.

 

And our sex problems have always been that I tend to pout when I don't get my way. Everyone knows how sexy (NOT!) the pouting is. But I find myself so upset by the pron, and I can't bring myself to confront him again, that I end up pouting and never getting what I want anyway.

 

HELP@!!!!!!!!!!

[dyermaker]

He lies because he's embarrassed.

 

That's all it is.

 

It's rarely indicative of other trust issues. Porn is the one subconscious issue in which both sides feel totally comfortable behaving untrustwothy--men because they feel that their masturbation ventures are their own ventures, and women because they feel being lied to entitles them to snoop through said ventures.

 

It would be a lot easier if you could talk to him about it, but some people aren't up front about that kind of thing. Really, it doesn't concern you. For men, masturbation is like any other form of excretion. Sure, you can hold it in, but it's not going to make things easier for you. Additionally, porn just speeds up the proccess. It's not about intimacy--at all.

[coolbeans]

That his viewing porn has nothing to do with the intimacy he shares with me?

[dyermaker]

Yes.

 

Think of it less like sex, and more like urination.

[StartingAgain]

BLueLP, No I don't think that just the porn obsession was the whole problem. I'm sure there were others, since there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. My comments about him having a problem was because he feels compelled to lie about and try to conceal this from his wife. This indicates derranged thnking and is one of the cardinal signs of addictive behavior.

 

One of my friends had (note the past tense) a good marriage. He and his wife got on splendidly and were happy together. Oh, they had the same problems any of us had, but they were handling them well. Then he started cruising porn sites. At first it was just your run of the mill stuff. Then he started looking at the kinky stuff. Suddenly he was spending hours a day looking at porn. He became especially fond of "rape" porn and erotica. then he wanted to act out some of the kinking things he was learning on the web with his wife. She was not only interested in his pretending to voilently rape her, she became very concerned. Suddenly, he didn't want ot make love to her, he only wanted sex if it was nasty. She asked him to stop viewing porn and he said he would.

 

Then she noticed their sex life had pretty much trickled off to nothing. When they did have sex, he really was just going through the motions. He was still using porn and lying to her about it. Now, when she wasn't home, he was participating in web-cam group sex. He also started going to prostitutes -- someone he could pay to have kinky sex with him. Finally it lead to him meeting a woman on one of the adult sites and they hooked up for an affair. His wife found out and left him. All too late, it dawned on him that he had a problem -- one that was just as bad and destructive as alcohol or drugs. He's now in therapy and trying to reconcile with his wife. He'd certainly tell coolbeans husband that he is playing with fire.

[Moose]

dyermaker, that is more information than I'd like!!!! hehe

 

But I think you do have a point. Yes, it's a release and it is embarassing to men. Ever noticed that most women don't have a problem with admitting they masterbate on a regular basis? I'll tell you why it's so taboo for men not to admit it, other men would make fun of them. That's a defense mechanism all of us men have. We all do it, that's a no brainer, but, we've been taught that admitting it leaves us wide open to ridicule.

 

I really think the stress is the problem with the lack of the sex drive lately coolbeans, not his looking at porn. I honestly don't think that using porn as a distraction from his stress is a good thing, he needs to find something else to do. Take up learning the guitar or golfing, something more physical.

 

Help him to find something else to interest him if you can, be a part of it.

[The_Analyzer]

I'm sorry, but if you're marriage was truly happy I don't think he'd be doing what he is doing. Not only that, but you say he said he does it for a distraction because of stress? There are other things that maybe he could distract himself with besides that. Things that are for a healthy respectful, truthful relationship.I understand you don't feel right because you're checking behind him as to what hes doing, but hey don't worry about it, hes not thinking of your feelings when you have asked him about the porn and he lies about it.

 

Maybe you should come right out and say that you wish he would stop what he is doing and that you don't appreciate the lying. Make it clear to him how you feel. Take a step back and see what happens. If it continues, and hes still lying then maybe you need to find away to put the breaks on it. My sister and her H had this problem before. He lied about it till he was blue in the face. Fianally it got so out of control that she ended up getting rid of the computer. After that it went from viewing movies on payperview to strip clubs to actually meeting women for real. I'm not saying that will happen in your case, but it does happen to some. Anybody that feels the need to lie or hide something has a problem and maybe you should nip it in the bud before it gets out of control. Counseling is maybe a start. Best of luck.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by StartingAgain

My comments about him having a problem was because he feels compelled to lie about and try to conceal this from his wife. This indicates derranged thnking and is one of the cardinal signs of addictive behavior.

I don't think lying about porn indicates deranged behavior, I think it's about embarrassment. You certainly can't diagnose addiction online. If he's an addict, that's a whole different story, and I think people use that term way too loosely.

 

Additionally, if your husband is an addict, it's your responsibility to help him seek treatment. In sickness and in health, yeah?

Originally posted by Moose

We all do it, that's a no brainer, but, we've been taught that admitting it leaves us wide open to ridicule.

I think it's easier to admit it to men than to women.

 

It's that whole, "I don't need to masturbate" bravado.

[BlueLP]

StartingAgain, Yes, that does sound like a very sad situation...I'm sorry that he and his wife went through that.

 

I'm just saying I guess that it is a combination of things that leads to situations like that, not just the porn by itself per se. There was stuff about him and their relationship too that was ingited by the porn in that case. So it's hard for us to just make blanket statements about the thread-starter's situation, since we don't know if there is other reason for concern or not.

 

I'm just thinking about how with all of my guy friends in relationships (who are all good guys), they look at porn, but it would never ever lead to any of the terrible things you were talking about. The porn may serve as a trigger for some people, but for the majority of guys it is not going to lead to situations like you talked about. When it does, it is something about that guy or the relationship that reacts to the porn.

 

It's just like how some people are predisposed to have drinking problems, they can have a few too many one time and be hooked and not able to stop, while other people who are not predisposed can get drunk every week for months and then just stop on a dime if they want. The drinking is the catalyst, but for an underlying feature of the person. We don't know if this particular husband is in danger or not from what we've heard so far.

[misty123]

I have the same problem with my husband. When I confronted him about it he said that he is addicted to porn always has been and always will be. But he told me he would stop since it bothered me so much. I never really expected him to stop. So last night I found some more on our computer and am really quite upset about it.

 

I have told him that I would like to watch a porn movie with him or what ever. The reason I havent yet it because I would like him to teach me what he would like me to do and such. The first and last time we watched on together he had said that I was copying them. I got really insucure about that and have not done it since.

 

I dont know what to do about his porn thing, I think I will just have to live with it as long as it doesnt get to out of control. My guess it that you should just start viewing it when you know you will be caught. That would be a huge eye opener for your husband.

 

Hope I helped a little bit.

[StartingAgain]

Yes, dyermaker, "addiction is a loosely used term. Actually, there is no such thing as a porn addiction; it's the stuff of psychobabble, self-hel books. An addiction is a dependancy on a substance which, when withdrawn, causes a predictable physical reaction or illness. Take someone's porn away and he isn't going to become physically ill. I used the term only since it is so common. In actuality what we are talking about is obssesional behavior. Obsessional thinking is by definition a derrangement (I mean this in the clinical sense, not the perjorative). And if this man knows that his behavior is upseting his wife, she's asking him to stop, he agrees, but continues the behavior and lies about it, this is textbook obsession. There's an old saying that "insanity is repeatedly doing something that you know will hurt you, but you do it anyway hoping for a different outcome." I'm not saying that coolbean's husband is insane, but he does have a problem -- if nothing else with impulse control. It is very easy to fix if he doesn't deny he has a problem.

 

To your point BlueLP, there may be other factors such as marital dissatisfaction coming into play here. Only coolbean can address that. I do know that if this man goes to a therapist, one of the first question out of his/her mouth is going to be "so what's going on in your life right now?"

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Moose

Ever noticed that most women don't have a problem with admitting they masterbate on a regular basis?

 

I don't think this is true at all. Maybe, women will tell their man that they masturbate, but I have never had a another woman tell me she masturbates, and in fact, I just assume that many women think it's "icky" to do so.

 

But I think most people, men and women, assume men masturbate, because they "have to". Are you saying that men don't like to admit they are still masturbating when in a relationship?

 

And to Coolbeans:

 

I'm not sure I would take the porn so personally. I wonder if he is just using it to help him with the stress of his job. Sex with another is an intimate emotional act, that takes a lot of energy. Masturbation is a quick release, some people use it to relieve stress.

 

Bring up your concerns, just tell him "I was on the computer and happened upon these files. I wondered about them, and why they were there. I'm also concerned because our sex life isn't as frequent as it used to be, etc. Also, I am concerned about YOU, because you've been under so much stress at work."

 

I think it's very important to say that you are worried about him as a person, not just complain that you aren't getting enough sex. Let him know that you care about him.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Moose

dyermaker, that is more information than I'd like!!!! hehe

 

But I think you do have a point. Yes, it's a release and it is embarassing to men. Ever noticed that most women don't have a problem with admitting they masterbate on a regular basis? I'll tell you why it's so taboo for men not to admit it, other men would make fun of them. That's a defense mechanism all of us men have. We all do it, that's a no brainer, but, we've been taught that admitting it leaves us wide open to ridicule.

 

 

Funny, my experience has been rather the opposite. Most women have had a problem admitting they masturbate. For guys its 50/50 depending on the situation. I agree that its taboo because of ridicule but most people I know will admit it but aren't going to brag about it. Anytime a guy has joked about it to me I just joke right back.