Should a person who cheats be given a second chance?

[Led_Zep1970]

Should someone who cheats be given a second chance? I love my ex girlfriend more than anything, I am very forgiving, I will forgive her, and I can see myself trusting her again.

 

She cheated on me, but should she be given a second chance? And how would I know if her means to come back are truly sincere?

 

Insight Please?

[CurlyIam]

Can't answer your question, Zep, but IMHO, there should be this unwritten law about making it a federal ofense -taking back a cheater.

 

Would make them think twice before doing it!

[cuteamidy]

i think every one deserves a second chance but would be very careful about it cause sometimes it is like they say once a cheater always a cheater

[sportsloving]

I don't agree that once a cheater always a cheater. I think it depends on the people, the situation, and the cause. If you can honestly find it in your heart to forgive her, by all means, try to fix your relationship. With time, patience and some tears ... you can gain the trust back and you can move on. But it will take you both having to face and deal with the cheating ... and it takes an extreme amount of forgiveness. Good luck to you both~

[misty123]

Maybe you're different but every time I have taken back a cheater I have never been able to forget. Forgiving is easy forgetting is not. You can always try it out and see what happens but in my experiences it doesn't work. Hope to have given you a different perspective.

[dasani08810]

I have to agree. Me ex wife cheated on me a year into the marriage. A year later, we got back together. Even though, for the next 5 years or so she did change into being a good wife, I always had that thought in the back of my mind when she went "out with the girls". I thought I could get past it and even went to therapy. I didn't tell her about the therapy because I didn't want her to continue to feel guilty and have both of us still living the betrayl. But that didn't help either.

 

Eventually, guess what happened. Yup, she did it again. My gut feel was right and I was trying to believe that my gut was wrong. The thing that bothers me is, after I was dating her for about 6 months, she told me that when we met, she was in a relationship. So she cheated on her old boyfriend to be with me. I should have seen it coming.

 

One of my criteria for starting relationships is: if a person will cheat on someone to be with you, eventually they'll cheat on you to be with someone else. If they see someone they want, they'll either give you the "I need space" line" or find some other way to justify pursuing the other person and they will try to keep you in some state of limbo "just in case".

 

Cheaters are typically people that cannot progress from the infaturation stage to the love stage in relationships. There is something in them that has to have the intoxicating effect of new romance. Once that stage passes, they don't feel whatever it is they need to feel. It's an insecurity thing. The infaturation stage of relationships is about "How does he/she make me feel about me?"; the love stage is about "how do I make the other person feel good about letting me in their lives?"

 

By that definition, infaturation is purely about self. Love is about selfless. Cheaters are all about self. It's an addiction to having to constantly having to feel good about themselves. They can NEVER get to the selfless feelings of what love is.

 

That's why I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. It's not about anything going on in the relationship; because really, they are never in a relationship with whoever they are involved with, they are only in a relationship with themselves. It's not about being in a bad relationship, or "needing space". Cheating is as much a character flaw as being a practicing alcoholic. Can an alcoholic get help and fix his/her life? Sure! But would you knowingly get involved with someone, or stay involved with someone that has that kind of a problem? Hell no!

 

Can a cheater be fixed; sure. Can you deal with being around it long enough for him/her to go through the stages of recovery? Can you face the fact that it will most likely happen again? Can you live for the rest of your life always wondering if he is where he says he is? I don't think so. Right now, the pain is raw and we all would like to think we could get past it and get back to the pre-cheating status of the relationship. That's romanticising. Reality is, you may never get past it. The only way is to get counseling for the cheater. There is NO WAY a relationship that has been betrayed on that level, to recover by itself. You can't sweep that kind of damage under the carpet. Truth is, you will NEVER forget it happened and it will ALWAYS haunt you. There will be situations even years down the road that will bring a flashback to the cheating. Do you want to go through that? Is some pain now (breaking up) worth the risk of much more pain years down the road?

 

Sure they can be treated and fixed with outside help. But, for me, if they cheat once, they're out the door. They can find someone else to deal with them and their addiction. There are way too many decent people out there that have values.

 

Ok, off my soapbox.

[NotaBadGuy]

dasani08810,

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. I read your posting and it made me reevaluate my situation. I, like you, was married and cheated on (married 2x with the same result). I never once considered cheating, but the other side could not resisit the urge. I took the first one back several times after cheating situations - and guess what, the pattern repeated itsself. I eventually got out of that situation and took control of my life - got my education and an advanced degree. In pursuit of the advanced degree, I met the most recent ex wife. I was reluctant and very hesitant to get involved at first, but cross checked all the things I knew were wrong with the first one and totaly felt comfortable with the second. Well, my instincts proved me wrong once again. There were probably some signs I should have taken notice of, but at the time I beleived them to be minor. In the end, she turned her back on me for another guy - will never admit it, but some things do not need to be admitted to be true.

 

Our divorce was final in February of this year - May would have been our one year anniversary. Since she left I have never called her - she has called several times. I had a couple of friends ask me about what I would do if she came to me and said she was sorry and made a big mistake. I told them that I would tell her to her face that I was not interested, but inside would probably run it through my mind over and over.

 

In the end, only you know the situation. You know what limits and boundaries exist in your relationship. If she did it once, evaluate what was going on at the time to possibly see what may have triggered the betrayal. Instant gratification versus delayed gratification often seems to be a common theme. One partner wants certain things to be a certain way right now while the other partner wants and knows no house is built over night. And you cannot build a house over night without a solid foundation. When you jump right into building the house without an adequate foundation, your house is destined to be destroyed.

 

Just my thoughts though. Good luck.

[msrealdoll]

I think it depends on why she cheated. If she has worked through it, and the problem that caused her to cheat is gone, then you should give her another chance if you're able to truly forgive her. If, however, she's one of those people that for whatever reason just cheat, then let her go now.

 

Have you talked through the infidelity with her? Do you feel like she's being open and truthful about it? Are you satisfied that it's in the past, and fairly sure that it won't happen again? She's not blaming it on you or your behavior, is she?

 

Your forgiveness is essential for you to be able to move forward. She also has to be able to forgive herself-which is sometimes much more difficult than forgiving someone else.

 

How long ago did this happen? How much time have you had to work through this?

[determined]

I'm being kept in the limbo stage after 8 months of breaking with my es. we were moving to London together, just before I found she cheated on me, we split, she begged and I truly love her and so I was a sap and gave in and tried again.....funnily enough, 5 months down the line she leaves me for a drug dealing uneployed bum in her home town. (we are still at uni and we were working on placement years, I work in advertising she is in fashion so we were quite busy).

 

Anyway, since then she's still been with this freak show and I stayed single for 7 months until recently I started seeing this girl who is really great, keeping it calm as I still harbour feeling for my ex. I'm very close to her family too as her uncle is my flat mate (we get on better than she did and he pretty much thinks she's an idiot).

 

Anyway, after the split I hit rock bottom, and was pretty bad for a while as she was still in the area, she flirted with me, saw me when she wanted to and then left for her final year and kept seeing mr hobo. I've now kind of risen from the ashes and I'm doing really well at work (funny that as it happened when she LEFT!!) with some high profile clients etc. Money getting much better, lifestyle turning awesome and a great girl. Now I have the ex texting me every weekend asking how I am and givining me praise for my work she sees on TV.

 

This is the first time I haven't replied after reading your messages. I do still imagine being with her although this is years into the future, she needs to grow up, get hurt herself and realise the mistakes she's made. I don't want to be around while she goes through moral and ethical cold turkey. Is this wrong? Should I reply to her messages?

[Led_Zep1970]

Now heres the new circumstances:

 

I told her about all my worries of stuff that happened, at first she took up a defense that seemed pretty strong. Then I pointed out a fact of her cheating, and she asked how I veiw cheating? Well pretty much a guy asked for her to give her a chance, she took it. But said it fell apart the next day cause she wanted me.

 

Who's up for some gossip in this forum eh?

 

Welp that guy supposedly ran off with this girl who is a whore pretty much, I take it thats the reason she might want to come back. I mentioned to her that I'm always a fall back guy. And now that everything she has been doing has fallen apart I'm the fall back guy.

 

SHE GOT EXTREMELY ANGRY AT ME! She got furious when I told her that I was a fall back guy. She explained to me that if I thought that of her after knowing her for 3 years that I don't know her at all.

 

Interesting eh?

 

She says she loves me and misses me, and wants me back extremely. To get things more interesting, I'm talking to a new person. And I'll admit I'm still in love with my cheating ex, but still I don't know what to do. I have warned this new girl I'm talking to that I'm a lost wreck, so I'm not going to bring her down.

 

I'm not capable to juggle women in such the manner, it's not in my being.

 

I told her I'm talking to somebody knew and she breaks down, she says she can't stand that fact that I would talk to somebody else. She says that no matter what she loves me, and always will. I told her time will prove it, she said I'm telling you now, I continued to say time will prove it.

 

So now.....what do I do people? I'm really lost, all I do is gather tears throughout my day, listen to music, and ride around with friends in the evening so I don't get depressed. But unfortunately too late on that one

[tiki]

Once a cheater not always a cheater. Every one deserves forgiveness and second chances. Not a one of us are perfect. Just my 2 1/2 cents.

 

If cheating continues, THEN run!

[CurlyIam]

Listen to your heart! Imagine yourself with each one of them and see where it hurts most. Or with other people! It's not that hard!

[Led_Zep1970]

I don't know what I feel, but my cheating ex is gone and stuff. Still trying to contact me. I was out all last night, I get home and I get a message on my answering machine:

 

"Um, hello, mom I was calling, don't know why I got the answering machine? Ok then, bye."

 

Pretty much calling me, to get me to think of her but covering herself saying she was calling her mom. Thats kinda.....eh? Whats the logic in calling me and doing that stuff, give me insight on what her thoughts are. I mean to pretend to "mistakenly" call?

 

Yee haw, she said she wasn't going to call me unless I asked her to before that. So what does she expect me to do? And then what should I do?

[ello]

Hi there,

 

I totally understand your frustartion, confusion, hurt and what you are going through. My post is in Second Chances called "cheated update" I think I re posed about a week ago.

 

It has been over a year since this has happened, and I still can't make up my mind about what to do. I still get upset over what happened, and to tell you the truth it hasn't really gone away, and sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday. I agree with the other people that have replied, but I do believe people can change, especially if they are young. I think that the thing is that it all really depends on you, and your personal thoughts about cheating if you can stay or not.

 

As much as I wanted to forgive, I still haven't been able to bring myself to. The thing is that you don't really know what the other person feels about it, and don't know if they will do it again. I always believed that if anyone ever cheated on me, that would be the end, but it's different when it happens to you. For me, this has been dragged out way too long, and sometimes I wish that I would have left and never spoke to him again after I found out. But instead, I have been ambivelant, hoping that the hurt would just go away and things would go back to normal.

 

It's been a long time, and I don't see it happening. It's not something I seem to have control over, it's just my feelings. I think that if I were married to him it may be more likely that we would work things out, but it seems like such a big risk, and I am so young that I don't know if I want to remain with him when I really have so many choices.

 

The thing is that it seems to me that you may be doing the same. You're hurt but you still love her so you are trying to hold on, and you want to know she loves you too even though you may not want to stay. When someone gets cheated on I think it really destroys your self esteem, and to hear they love you sometimes feels good, almost like payback for what they've done. I don't know if that makes sense, but I think you may know the answer to your own question, you just need something to make it clear for you. You may just decide in time that you don't really care as much about her, or the opposite. That depends on how she handles the situation, too. I think that time away is really important though, as much as that may seem like the hardest thing to do right now, having her around will only confuse you more. I just hope that this doesn't go on as long for you like it has for me, cause the pain doesn't need to be dragged out anymore. In a way I think it has made me feel better about leaving cause I tried, but in a way I just wish I would have left before things got so bad, and that he would have felt worse about what he did.

[Led_Zep1970]

She claims shes made a mistake:

 

She says she will always love me no matter what, ALWAYS. She says nothing will ever change it.

 

Everytime I hear this it kills me. Because I want to go back, I have forgiven her because I am a Christian and I have great patience and such. But I cannot write off the past so soon, or forget it so easily.

 

She speaks of regreting all the times she couldn't talk to me (sleep, eat, arguing, etc.) she pretty much wishes she could make it perfect. She misses me horribly she says. And as I said before it kills me.

 

Should I go back to her or what?