Was i a fool? Need perspective

[lv1028]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Where to begin? I wrote this and went to post and lost it and had to rewrite! I met my fiancé nearly 5 years ago. I was long divorced, he was separated (mistake 1—a 20 year bad marriageand she left only 4 months prior). We were the same age, lived in same town 2 different houses, same values. What started out as a whirlwind, a sweet and generous man, together everyday since the moment we met quickly, sharing private stuff, etc. , quickly turned. A month in, I noticed he becoming moody,immature, kinda demanding. I figured the honeymoon was over. I went through the first year of his divorce—the first holidays…ick. As time went on, there were pickyproblems. I saw that he kept people/lifeat an arm’s length. He couldn’t get too close to anything/anyone. But, he talked of marriage more than an engaged couple. He admitted he always had a problem with closeness and sharing. I believe it stems from his father dying whenhe was 10. Hard for a boy to deal with and no male in his life. We got along with each others’ families, etc. But always, that push/pull for years—but everyone knew he loved me. It was clear he was non committal—couldn’t take risks or make deicisons. I grew wary of the ‘in the moment living’—though we were a couple. He told me he kept in contact with an ex’girlfriend’ from across country-he felt close to her as she supported him through a seriousillness years before. I didn’t like the contact. Don’t know any details really. Fast forward several years and I know he loves me, still little progress. Last summer, things escalated. I caught him in a couple of lies…he ‘confessed’. He had gone to a party at a local ex girlfriend’s from high school (from 20 years back). I didn’t know he was in touch. Another incident too where she supposedly picked him up when he was drunk (drinking leads him to make stupid moves)…oh when, I tried to break things off in july was the confession. He said he was friends with the two—one locally and one cross country. I thought it was innocent as the local one sent pics of her new grandchild and he showed me. He decided she had the wrong intentions as did CA. He changed his numbers as he wasn’t going to risk us. Ok, that was done. Still had the same push/pull going on. Forward to Nov...I told him I could no longer do this after 4 years and he had to make up his mind about what he really wanted. We went on vacation in Nov same place and was goingto buy property overseas. It was now Jan2012…we were to go back in May for closing, he proposed with a 3 carat ring in January and his house was up for sale. Commitment finally! 3 months in there was no date set for wedding and he was talking about postponing a little for the closing since it is a busy time of year for his business. Drinking was starting slightly up again—felt funny. Out of the blue, the other night, I checked his phone. Text from CA saying, “I loveyou too”. Huh? I noticed it was her number. I woke him up and told him to get out. I called her! We spoke for ½ hour. She told me there was no contact for manymany months…ok. She told me of generic stuff but clearly she talked to him as she knew recent stuff. She talked to him the night he was drinking a few days earlier…when he drinks, he feels the need to pccasionally call here andshare his life stories with her? the love thing--he says that to everybody, so not a huge surprise. She told me of the incident from last year with local chick. True or not? I don’t know, but I suspect a one night stand. He denied it and blamed me for not trusting him. He got his stuff and said I was making the biggest mistake of my life for jumping to conclusions. Really? I think he is playing a waiting game now. It’s been 4 days of nonsense. But I think the long distance friend told him that I was done. Now, he tells me to just keep the ring and leave him alone…says I ruined everything. What % was true...I have no clue. Honesty is the most important thing to me. if I suspect a lie, which part of the statement is a lie? Was I a fool? Was it a sham? Why a very expensive ring, house up for sale? Is he just a fool who can’t let go of the past and rather go there for comfort? Any ideas? It hasn’t been an easy 4 ½ years,but I always, as did everyone else, believe he loved me. But he had real intimacy issues with all ofhis relationships…I have let go, but am in the processing phase.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[standtall]

Try this......

 

 

Where to begin? I wrote this and went to post and lost it and had to rewrite! I met my fiancé nearly 5 years ago. I was long divorced, he was separated (mistake 1—a 20 year bad marriageand she left only 4 months prior). We were the same age, lived in same town 2 different houses, same values. What started out as a whirlwind, a sweet and generous man, together everyday since the moment we met quickly, sharing private stuff, etc. , quickly turned. A month in, I noticed he becoming moody,immature, kinda demanding. I figured the honeymoon was over. I went through the first year of his divorce—the first holidays…ick. As time went on, there were pickyproblems. I saw that he kept people/lifeat an arm’s length. He couldn’t get too close to anything/anyone. But, he talked of marriage more than an engaged couple. He admitted he always had a problem with closeness and sharing. I believe it stems from his father dying whenhe was 10. Hard for a boy to deal with and no male in his life. We got along with each others’ families, etc. But always, that push/pull for years—but everyone knew he loved me. It was clear he was non committal—couldn’t take risks or make deicisons. I grew wary of the ‘in the moment living’—though we were a couple. He told me he kept in contact with an ex’girlfriend’ from across country-he felt close to her as she supported him through a seriousillness years before. I didn’t like the contact. Don’t know any details really. Fast forward several years and I know he loves me, still little progress. Last summer, things escalated. I caught him in a couple of lies…he ‘confessed’. He had gone to a party at a local ex girlfriend’s from high school (from 20 years back). I didn’t know he was in touch. Another incident too where she supposedly picked him up when he was drunk (drinking leads him to make stupid moves)…oh when, I tried to break things off in july was the confession. He said he was friends with the two—one locally and one cross country. I thought it was innocent as the local one sent pics of her new grandchild and he showed me. He decided she had the wrong intentions as did CA. He changed his numbers as he wasn’t going to risk us. Ok, that was done. Still had the same push/pull going on. Forward to Nov...I told him I could no longer do this after 4 years and he had to make up his mind about what he really wanted. We went on vacation in Nov same place and was goingto buy property overseas. It was now Jan2012…we were to go back in May for closing, he proposed with a 3 carat ring in January and his house was up for sale. Commitment finally! 3 months in there was no date set for wedding and he was talking about postponing a little for the closing since it is a busy time of year for his business. Drinking was starting slightly up again—felt funny. Out of the blue, the other night, I checked his phone. Text from CA saying, “I loveyou too”. Huh? I noticed it was her number. I woke him up and told him to get out. I called her! We spoke for ½ hour. She told me there was no contact for manymany months…ok. She told me of generic stuff but clearly she talked to him as she knew recent stuff. She talked to him the night he was drinking a few days earlier…when he drinks, he feels the need to pccasionally call here andshare his life stories with her? the love thing--he says that to everybody, so not a huge surprise. She told me of the incident from last year with local chick. True or not? I don’t know, but I suspect a one night stand. He denied it and blamed me for not trusting him. He got his stuff and said I was making the biggest mistake of my life for jumping to conclusions. Really? I think he is playing a waiting game now. It’s been 4 days of nonsense. But I think the long distance friend told him that I was done. Now, he tells me to just keep the ring and leave him alone…says I ruined everything. What % was true...I have no clue. Honesty is the most important thing to me. if I suspect a lie, which part of the statement is a lie? Was I a fool? Was it a sham? Why a very expensive ring, house up for sale? Is he just a fool who can’t let go of the past and rather go there for comfort? Any ideas? It hasn’t been an easy 4 ½ years,but I always, as did everyone else, believe he loved me. But he had real intimacy issues with all ofhis relationships…I have let go, but am in the processing phase.