online gaming addiction, laziness, or something else...

[iamnotalone]

My boyfriend likes chess, and plays a lot of online chess since it is difficult to find people who are interested in playing it. I have no idea how to play but have always wanted to. He is very good so playing (and teaching me) is a tedious process for him...so, I decided to sign up for some of the websites he uses so that I can learn and hopefully get better. I have been practicing for awhile now, and signed up for the websites he uses.

 

I was looking around one of the sites one day logged in as myself and found he was a high scorer in the middle of the day...while he was supposed to working (from home). I thought okay, he works from home and he took a break for lunch, whatever. I understand - it's boring working by yourself. But the more I looked, the more I saw how often and how frequently he was the highest scorer for each hour of the day, each month, to the point where the math averages between 3 and 4 hours of chess games a day.

 

Now I know what he does when he is with me, and I know he goes out, etc. at night so most of the game playing has to be done during the day while he is at "work" or supposed to be working.

 

As someone who is not perfect, I am trying not to jump to conclusions. He is his own boss, so he can do as he pleases. But, I am a little concerned that I am dating someone who could be comfortable putting in 4 or 5 hours of work a day and wasting the other parts of it playing games when he should be out in the world, knocking on doors, doing work, building his business. I really like this guy, but if this is how he spends his time now (at 32 years old) ... will he change his behavior if he decides to settle down and get married. What does this say about his motivation and work ethic? Or is a possible "gaming addiction"? Or maybe there is something wrong that drives him to want to play chess for hours on end instead of work? Am I missing something? Or his behavior nothing to be concerned about?

 

I would like to talk to him about it, but I don't want him to think I was snooping. I suppose in a way I was, because I didn't tell him I was signing up for these sites. I thought they would help me get better playing a games he likes so we could do it together, but it is so difficult to learn the way he does (he likes blitz - the fast chess) and I find it easier to play against the computer on a "beginner" level. I'm concerned because I wonder if there is something wrong, and I don't know how to bring up the subject or if I should just ignore it.

 

Any advice would be helpful.

[january2011]

I think the thing that some people don't understand about self-employment and freelancing is that you put in however many hours you need to. It's usually not 9-5 unless the client/customers require it. You could work 12 hours one day or a couple of hours the next. As long as you are meeting deadlines, producing good quality work, have regular clients and a steady income that covers your bills and extras as well as your business goals, I think that is enough for some self-employed people.

 

Besides, how many 9-5ers working for someone else actually spend the full working day doing actual work? How many are on social networking sites, texting their friends/partners or making personal calls? How many are posting on forums/LS?

 

He might feel comfortable with his current level of work and doesn't want to be out there, "knocking on doors." Granted, it's a little short-sighted in terms of business development, but since you're not his business partner, I think you need to respect his decisions about how he runs his work-day.

 

Having said that, on the other side of the coin, it might well be the case that he's using the websites to procrastinate and avoid engaging in 'real life'. This is definitely a cause for concern. Especially if he spends less time with you and those close to him as a result of his online gaming.

 

You could casually mention that you signed up to the websites because you wanted to practice and learn how to play so that you could surprise him. Then mention that you noticed that he is playing a lot and you're worried that he's not managing to get everything else done. If he reassures you that that is not the case, you might have to take his word for it then let it slide for now and keep an eye on the situation.