Contradictions....

[wannabdone]

I wanted to start a thread that talked about contradictions, lies, two face, hyprocrite, what ever word you want to use for it. (I have some other words for it... you can fill in the blanks )

 

I see SO many ppl that are either in an A, or thinking about starting NC, or just starting NC that do not see a lot of these that they have been told. I was one of them, and not until I got out and the longer I was away did I start seeing things more clear. I know how hard it is to see these things when you love someone, or you don't want to come to grips that someone you cared for possibly didn't love you.

 

But, I thought if we could post some things we have found as these contradictions or lies we have figured out while going through our journey, maybe it would help some ppl to see how things really don't add up. Even some of us that have been in NC for years still learn things everyday, and have a light bulb moment saying "I never thought of that".

 

I will start off with one example taken from my situation: xMM always ACTED as though he NEVER understood that he could be there for his children, with out being there every day. This was one of his biggest excuses why "he couldn't pull the trigger". And of course was seeking therapy to help him work through this. I of course, could not understand this line of thinking as I know MANY people who are WONDERFUL parents and are not with their children every single day. And as a matter of fact, really became better parents when they were D because their life was more at peace. But, he always blamed it that we were raised differently. (by the way, I was raised Catholic, not a huge supporter of the D), but his faith was much more focused on M's not ever ending in D (his words). HOWEVER, what I found ironic, was that he also told me he loved me more than ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. Never loved anything more than me. BUT, he LOVED me so much, and yet was not there for me everyday. Contradiction? I should say so. His line of thinking only worked with what helped support his desire to have what he wanted, which was being a cake eater. And even though I consider myself of above average intellegence, never saw this very simple contradiction....until I stepped out of the storm.

 

I just think us sharing what we have seen or the light bulb moments we have had, might help some ppl to rethink what they have been told and what they have been believing.

[wannabdone]

I find it hypocritical when a MM says he won't leave his wife, even though he is miserable, and will miss his kids so much, yet he spends so much of his time with the OW and not his kids. He could be spending that time with his kids instead of with another woman.

 

 

Good point!!!

[irin]

affair are strictly based on lies if you are too stupid to believe other wise. then your probably with those mm/mw and listening to their lies right now!

[Gentlegirl2]

When I broached my xMM about leaving and being with me, I think he was genuinely shocked and amazed.

 

His reply was along the lines that he was a married man and couldn't possible hurt his family!!!!!

 

I can remember laughing and calling him out on hypicrisy. He took that very badly and it wasn't long after that we parted ways.

 

It seems he just couldn't get his brain around the fact that he was behaving in a hypocritical fashion. I think he was actually a kangaroo short of a paddock in some areas!

 

All the Best,

 

GG

[skylarblue]

Gosh, so many to choose from. Well, a couple off the top of my head:

 

xMM saying he only stays because of kids and finances, he wish he hadn’t married his W, he can’t stand her, I’m his soul mate, he loves me more than anyone could, loves me more than he’d loved anyone else, he wish it could be just him and me YET told me “it’s like the best of both worlds”. When I called him on it, he really didn’t have an explanation for it (well yes he did. He said what guy wouldn’t think (maybe he said be happy with) that and then gave me a nonsensical, non-explanatory explanation).

 

When I ended the A for good, xMM said I must love him differently or he loved me more because he did not leave me, but I wanted to leave him to pursue a R that I could be #1 and happy with YET had absolutely no response when I pointed out he’d always made it clear that he wouldn’t leave his W for me and that must mean he loved her more or me differently.

 

xMM claiming I meant the world to him and how much he wanted and wished he could do for me, BUT doing none of the things that he could have actually done for me. Example: taking me out on a date. Too risky according to him, but apparently not as risky as sex on his front porch or in his front yard.

[jwi71]

Gosh, so many to choose from. Well, a couple off the top of my head:

 

xMM saying he only stays because of kids and finances, he wish he hadn’t married his W, he can’t stand her, I’m his soul mate, he loves me more than anyone could, loves me more than he’d loved anyone else, he wish it could be just him and me YET told me “it’s like the best of both worlds”. When I called him on it, he really didn’t have an explanation for it (well yes he did. He said what guy wouldn’t think (maybe he said be happy with) that and then gave me a nonsensical, non-explanatory explanation).

 

When I ended the A for good, xMM said I must love him differently or he loved me more because he did not leave me, but I wanted to leave him to pursue a R that I could be #1 and happy with YET had absolutely no response when I pointed out he’d always made it clear that he wouldn’t leave his W for me and that must mean he loved her more or me differently.

 

xMM claiming I meant the world to him and how much he wanted and wished he could do for me, BUT doing none of the things that he could have actually done for me. Example: taking me out on a date. Too risky according to him, but apparently not as risky as sex on his front porch or in his front yard.

 

Skylar,

 

When you first began here I remembered how angry and hurt and determined you were to keep the A alive. You should go back and re-read your first few threads and posts. I distinctly remember thinking "She'll snap out of it or sink deeper down the rabbit hole".

 

You've come SO far. You should be proud of what you have learned and gained.

 

Kudos to you.

[MissBee]

The biggest contradiction and hypocrisy was the expectation of fidelity from me on his part He would constantly try to check up on me and act like a jealous boyfriend who felt he had every right to my faithfulness....

 

When I would make snide remarks which were facts. Example: one weekend he said he was going away with his girlfriend. I was of course upset by this and before we hung up I said "Great...enjoy your fun, sex-filled weekend". Later that night he emailed me saying thanks for hurting his feelings and how he tries to protect my feelings as much as possible in this "situation" yet all I do is throw it in his face. WTF?!!!

 

Yea...he felt entitled to my fidelity when his was not up for discussion and also his feelings would be oh so hurt at the slightest imagined indiscretion on my part, while he did not see how his actions were innately hurtful and how the entire situation was unfair and problematic.

[MissBee]

Gosh, so many to choose from. Well, a couple off the top of my head:

 

xMM saying he only stays because of kids and finances, he wish he hadn’t married his W, he can’t stand her, I’m his soul mate, he loves me more than anyone could, loves me more than he’d loved anyone else, he wish it could be just him and me YET told me “it’s like the best of both worlds”. When I called him on it, he really didn’t have an explanation for it (well yes he did. He said what guy wouldn’t think (maybe he said be happy with) that and then gave me a nonsensical, non-explanatory explanation).

 

When I ended the A for good, xMM said I must love him differently or he loved me more because he did not leave me, but I wanted to leave him to pursue a R that I could be #1 and happy with YET had absolutely no response when I pointed out he’d always made it clear that he wouldn’t leave his W for me and that must mean he loved her more or me differently.

 

xMM claiming I meant the world to him and how much he wanted and wished he could do for me, BUT doing none of the things that he could have actually done for me. Example: taking me out on a date. Too risky according to him, but apparently not as risky as sex on his front porch or in his front yard.

 

SMH.....the worst is how at the time, we delude ourselves and realize it makes no sense yet we so want to believe these untruths. But when stated in black and white, with a clear mind, it seems so obviously ridiculous.

[wannabdone]

SMH.....the worst is how at the time, we delude ourselves and realize it makes no sense yet we so want to believe these untruths. But when stated in black and white, with a clear mind, it seems so obviously ridiculous.

 

 

Isn't that the truth? Isn't it amazing how the mind works?????

[skylarblue]

SMH.....the worst is how at the time, we delude ourselves and realize it makes no sense yet we so want to believe these untruths. But when stated in black and white, with a clear mind, it seems so obviously ridiculous.

 

How true!

 

You know, I don’t think I was ever in the “fog” with xMM. He gave/gives me plenty of opportunities to recognize the bullsh*t and I did. Yet, I pushed in the back of my mind, made excuses for it, or even just said “oh well” and just accepted it. I don’t know why I became so determined to make it work. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m far from where I was. Thank you jwi71 for your kind words.

 

MissBee, your post reminded me of times when I told xMM I wanted the opportunity to find someone that I could marry and have a family with, and I couldn’t do it and still be in a R with him. He responded by claiming concern, that he didn’t want me to break up with him in a rash decision and see me just jump into a R with someone not right for me and get stuck in a bad M/situation. What?!

 

I'd like to add that xMM frequently would say how he's always been honest with me. Really??

[Radagast]

For me a contradiction was my resolution to put others first and my own needs after, which I considered at the time meaning I needed to stay in my marriage to keep my family together for my children who had been devastated by a previous recent separation and doing what I could to allow me to remain in that, which landed up being an affair. Once I was in the affair I saw that I was cheating my children out of the chance to have at least one happy home and a happy family and cheating my love out of a chance for us to be together all the time, and cheating my ex-wife out of the chance to move on from our toxic marriage and forge a healthy relationship with someone else.

[woinlove]

Interesting topic, wanna, and interesting example involving what MM said about being a father. My own experience, and from what I read here, is that for MM with children it is EXTREMELY important to be thought of as a good father. Looking back, I reinforced this image for MM, perhaps part of the infatuation or whatever, I don't know as it came naturally at the time but now seems not to have been based in reality. Of course, on more disinterested reflection, how could a MM be a wonderful father when he is bringing deception and disloyalty right into his children's home and disrespecting their own mother in that way? Probably it is because of this reality that so many MM need to think the opposite, that they are being wonderful fathers. They may have been good fathers before the affair, they might some day be one again, but during the affair they are not being good fathers because they are not maintaining an authentic environment for their children which respects both parents.

[wannabdone]

Interesting topic, wanna, and interesting example involving what MM said about being a father. My own experience, and from what I read here, is that for MM with children it is EXTREMELY important to be thought of as a good father. Looking back, I reinforced this image for MM, perhaps part of the infatuation or whatever, I don't know as it came naturally at the time but now seems not to have been based in reality. Of course, on more disinterested reflection, how could a MM be a wonderful father when he is bringing deception and disloyalty right into his children's home and disrespecting their own mother in that way? Probably it is because of this reality that so many MM need to think the opposite, that they are being wonderful fathers. They may have been good fathers before the affair, they might some day be one again, but during the affair they are not being good fathers because they are not maintaining an authentic environment for their children which respects both parents.

 

 

So true!!! My xMM wants everyone to think he is a great father and christian man. Really makes me sick.

 

My girlfriend alerted me to his website that he has, where he actually ministers to young men in the community. You can not imagine, how sick I got (literally wanted to throw up) when I saw this "man" on there praying with all these young men. My xMM is a sham. I know not all of them are, but mine definitely takes the cake.