I Hate my boyfriend's Family!

[Seua]

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Please read this and if you can, give me some advice as I really don't know what to do.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together over two years now. I never have had much to do with his family... I do try... My parents would invite his over, but his parents never seemed to want to have anything to do with mine, so my parents stopped trying. This didn't really bother me much, although I feel it is a shame. I have always suspected my boyfriend's family don't like me... They never talk to me much, don't say hello and never ask how I am. I have once heard his sister saying some mildly unpleasant things about me to her friends, but I pretended I hadn't heard, and forgot about it. I knew she was capable of this, because she bitches about everyone she knows but is the fakely nice to them when she meets them. Obviously, this isn't very nice, but I've kind of got used to it, and just try to have as little to do with them as possible without offending them. Everytime I asked my boyfriend if they didn't like me, he would say 'Don't be silly, of course they like you', but this was obviously a white lie to keep me happy.

 

Anyway, this all came to a head last week... I was sitting in their house, waiting for my boyfriend to get ready to fgo out, and it became apparent they hadn't realised I was there because the sister proceeded to bitch about me to her boyfriend and to my boyfriend's mother... taking the piss out of things I had said etc. They were all in on it, and were bitching about me for the stupidest things. It was really unpleasant. I didn't know what to do... I was shocked, I knew his sister was capable of this but I never thought his mother would be like this. I burst into tears and left the house to go home. My boyfriend realised what had happened and started yelling at his sister. His dad then came in and demanded to know what was going on. My boyfriend then tried to leave the house but his dad blocked his way and my boyfriend ended up pushing his dad out of the way and storming out. Now none of his family are talking to him, and when we go in the house his mother slams the door of whatever room they are in, making it clear they don't even want to see us, let alone talk to us. My boyfriend did manage to talk to his mother briefly the night the incident happened, but they fell out again as she said that none of the family like me, (she never said why), and that if I eavesdrop then it's my own fault if I hear unpleasant things... (! That made me mad!). She said that my boyfriend owes an apology to all his family for yelling at them.

I just can't get my head around their attitude towards this... Now I am completely sure that I want as little to do with them as possible, as they seem to be pretty unpleasant people.

 

The proble is, we have no idea what to do now... At first I was so angry and upset I vowed never to go to his house again, but that feels like punishing my boyfriend for the actions of his family... My boyfriend doesn't know what to do either, as he feels like his family are trying to force him to choose between them and me... And although he has many family problems he clearly doesn't want them to never speak to him again. It is such a mess. I am supposed to go away for two months in a few weeks, but right now I feel like I can't leave my boyfriend alone when his family situation is like this.

 

I really would like to know what I have done to offend or cause his family to dislike me. My boyfriend and I have had arguments before, but we always sort them out, and there is no reason for his mother to think I treat him badly or anything. He has been through a lot this year, and I've been there for him whenever I could, we went to the doctors together etc... I always seem to be picking him up when his family have kicked him down. (He has had family problems all his life, he was very unhappy and some what bitter towards them when I met him, and he tells me that I am the best thing to ever happen to him). It feels to me like his family have always had a chip on their shoulders over my family. It seems to be to do with the difference in our circumstances. I am from what used to be considered a 'middle class' background, whereas his are 'working class'. It feels like they have a deep-seated resentment over this because they give me the impression that they view me as a rich bitch who thinks I'm better than them... But I don't! I don't care about financial situations, I'm a very down-to-earth person and have never had problems with people hating me before, I get on with everyone usually. That is why I really don't know how to handle this.

 

Overall, I feel so sorry for my boyfriend. He has had too many problems in his life, and I don't want to be the cause of further rifts with his family. As you can imagine, I very much dislike them now, and would love to think I will never see them again... But I know this is totally unrealistic and not in my boyfriends best interests. Help! Where do we go from here? I advised my boyfriend to apologise to his father for pushing him, and see if they can talk about the problem since his father was the only one not involved in the incident. However, they have never seen eye to eye, and my boyfriend is bluntly refusing to do this. So what am I supposed to do now? Please advise me...

[Fayebelle]

Damn- I think you're dating my ex! EXACT same scenario (does his Mom drink by chance?) It sucks and the only way I handled it was by treating them like horrible but important clients in a business deal. Be socially involved but as emotionally distant as poss. It helps dim the anger and frustration but unfortunately it also puts a barrier between you ever feeling included in their fam. If that's important to you (as it was to me) than I'm no help.(hence him being an ex) But I DO feel your pain.

 

Good Luck!

[CurlyIam]

treating them like horrible but important clients in a business deal

 

Gosh, not in a million years could I have put that better! It's mean, but somehow rewarding, yet patronizing and in controll. I loved it! I'll be sure to be remembering this one !

[Fayebelle]

Happy to entertain you Curly girl- Remember to tip your waitresses and bartenders- I'll be here all week

[CurlyIam]

hum... be happy i'm paying my addition... never liked waitresses much! but bartenders... well, that's another story!

[coolbeans]

All I have to say - is get out now. If your boyfriend is going to be close to his family and you don't like them, you will lose. If he keeps his distance, then just try to take a deep breath and deal with it. I have had two failed relationships where the guy's family sucked and he was close to them. I lost out in both cases. I am now married to a man who has a sister who is horrid - but he chooses not to be around her, so it's only once ina while that I have to deal with her.

[ello]

well, I definately feel for you...

 

I have am in a similar situation. My boyfriends family has done a great job of destroying his self esteem, our relationship and basically his entire life. It all got out of hand about a year ago (you may want to check out my thread, its in Second Chances, I think its called cheated) and blew up into a big fight much like the one u described. Only I didnt hear what they said about me, my bf actually told me. The thing is that he always kinda listened to them over me, and did what they wanted him to cause he didnt want to let THEM down. This caused all kinds of problems in our relationship cause I always felt like he put them first. So I guess it depends on what he is like with them. It kinda sounds like he stood up for you, so that's a good sign. I honestly don't think that his family deserves an apology. I think you do. Even if his f didn't ki eyou they should keep it to themselves. Especially his mom. She's a grown woman, and should want her son to be happy. I haven't put all of the family details in my post, but believe me, I know how u feel. If u want you can pm me. I'm here for u.