Breakup, Wants me back, Female best friend destructively influencing the relationship

[nevaeh87]

Hey all,

 

Was wanting to post my current situation on this site for other peoples perspective and opinion, and I'd love you to be honest with me.

 

Me and my partner are going on 4 years. I am 25 this year and he is 22. We have been a very loving, trusting, supportive couple and I know many people looked at us as being together forever...as did we. We were each others rock and best friends. He is my first long time relationship....he has had others previous 2yrs and 1 yr.

 

We got engaged at his mothers wedding and life was great. We would have our differences every now and again but rarely had fights....like I mean...rarely as in I think once in 3 yrs.

 

Now last year we moved to a small town away from our families back in another state. The reason for the move was because my brother got him a job through a friend with an amazing job opportunity to get a whole heap of tickets etc....to bring back home. So I was on board and we moved, sad leaving family as we were all super close.

 

So our first 6 months was good. We both got into the sporting scene in this place and it was a whole heap of fun to start with. 6 months into living there our relationship over a period of another 6 months...slowly deteriorated. In these last 6 months I got pregnant and it was planned...it was more what he wanted and i did as well but i was happy to wait a few more years but as you do in a relationship you compromise on some circumstances...it was part of our plan but I dont think at the time either of us realised how unhealthy our relationship had become. It was NOTHING like what it used to be.

 

We started fighting...im not talking arguing...it started at that but then it went into full on screaming and swearing and put downs. Which I have never experienced before....both of us, depending on the issue one would just explode and it would get all too messy.

 

I got to a point where I was sad ALL the time.....I started questioning my love for him and him the same im sure, we just never addressed it. So the fights got worse...and we stopped communicating. There is heaps more that goes in here but ill be here all day. 6 months into my pregnancy and we were distant....i felt i was living with a stranger, he was treating me differently. He would go to work and do all sorts of sports or training every single day of the week till 9pm at night sometimes or rather be at a friends then at home.

 

I walked into the bedroom after a few weeks and Id hardly seen him...he was there....but we werent together, we would go places together and not be around each other the WHOLE time, as if the other didnt exsist. Anywho I asked him what was going on??? this wasnt us????

 

The answer I got I was not prepared for AT ALL....he came up with...he didnt love me anymore....he didnt realise until after I got pregnant...the fighting was too much bla bla bla. I burst into tears....I was in TOTAL denial of where our relationship was looking back now. My next reaction was well Im moving home to be with family for support and whats there to stay for? His reaction cobnfused me as he started crying and i asked y he was crying and he said cause it still upsets him to think of me leaving??? Anywho I stayed for the next week finish up my job and houes we were renting bla bla bla. HOW I WISHED ID UP AND LEFT STRAIGHT AWAY.....but i wasnt in the head space I am in now back then.

 

So a week went by in the same house....bad...some days were good as if nothing had happened and other days were horrible.....a many mixed messages were given on both parties. I knew there was still feeling there. He treated me like **** that last week and I resent him for it. I came home and his parents took me in....as I have to wait for my mums house tenants to mnove out which isnt till 1 month....His parents said ill always be welcome there and they were very disappointed in him bla bla bla.

 

He told me we would never be together again and he couldnt love me but he'll always care and wanted to remain best friends and we'll always be a part of each others lives as we will have a child together ETC ETC. Anywho I got back and straight away he was calling me...his dad told me he was being far too selfish and wanted the best of both worlds and it was time to cut all communication with him....so I did. 2 weeks of no contact...no replying etc etc...he was calling me and bla bla bla....he talked to his dad on the phone and confesed he made the biggest mistake ever and he misses me etc.

 

I got on the phone and he was crying and so apologetic....everything I had already gone through. He told me he wants to come back and be together again if i wanted to. I said yes then....he had to get a job and come back though. So its been like 2 months and he shall be back in 2-3 days...after not seeing each other and harldy any contact....cause he wants to do it all face to face. It was horrible to start with but now I realise I dont need him and im quite fine by myself and to raise this baby.

 

I do still love him VERY much....but I love the old him and the old relationship we had. Under no circumstances will i go back to the relationship and person i left there....id rather be single and stress free for babys sake as well.

 

So he come back and im starting to get nervous as i dont know what to expect and i dont know whats going to go down??? I dont even know how i feel...like can a relationship actually be repaired after going through this????????

 

One last thing....

Our closest friends...married couple.... when we lived in this town had a HUGELY disfunctional relationship and I think this played a major part in effecting ours. The female of this realtionship was at the time my BEST friend....or so I thought. I would go to her if we were having troubles and just more or less ask her opinion...

 

Turns out when we broke up he told me all these things she had told him that I had told her....yeah i know stupid me telling her things and saying things i shouldnt have...I thought she was a friend. To this momment I dont even know what she has told him and in what context?????? I look back now and there were SOOOOO many situtations where she played both of us off on each other....i think she played a MAJOR part in destructively influencing our relationship. Intentional or not...im not sure.

 

I have stopped all contact with her and he is coming back...I KNOW for a fact she will maintain contact with him. How do i put this across to him when we talk without it turning into an argument and help him to see where i am coming from?

 

I dont want him contacting her I think she created too many problems and we wont work out if she continues to somehow be and interfere in our relationship. Her and he partner have split also and I just have interition that she has and does like my partner.

 

Now she will be living in another state ....... i think i need to bring this up with him though??? I just dont know how to go about it?????

 

Sorry my msg is sooooo long but any advice and opinions would be HUGELY appreciated...as i just need some insight from outsiders. Thanks a bunch

[betterdeal]

I suggest saying something like this:

 

"I'm concerned about Mable's influence on our relationship. I told her things in confidence and she broke that confidence, and that led to conflict between us. I doubt her intentions, and I want nothing more to do with her. One condition of us getting back together is that you do the same.

 

I'd also like for both of us to give relationship counselling a try. It may help us get past the obstacles we have and help us grow as a couple. If it doesn't help, at least we tried."

 

You both may want to consider individual counselling too. You sound like a pretty together person, so it wouldn't be the teach you how to suck eggs type of therapy. I'm thinking more about being able to confide in someone who will keep that confidence, and thus give you space to think, and help you work through things in a safe environment, which is what confiding in someone is usually about.

[Ellamay]

wow, sorry you went through that but he should have told you right away what he was hearing instead of holding inside and using it against you when it was convenient for him.

 

You thought you were confiding in a friend, just like im sure he confides in his boys you thought you were just confiding in your girl.

 

You dont need stress hes causing you being pregnant and all and Im sorry to say, if he really loved you, no one would be able to come between you guys and turn you against each other.

 

I dont think its advisable to trust any partner who keeps secrets from me. If you ask me, they both went behind your back and discussed you, not just her. He still ALLOWED her to speak of you and worse BELIEVED her. If not her, it will only be someone else who he allows to mess with his mind.