Anyone else find going NC rude/immature?

[imperfectangel]

I just hate being the kind of person that just throws someone under a bus.

 

Im not talking about the kind of NC where you explain it's over because of x y and z and then go NC I mean where you just disappear isn't that just running away from the issue?

 

I'm NC now with my ex mm he keeps sending me emails texts which I haven't replied to but and I know this might sound stupid but I just feel rude and sort of like I'm stooping to his level by ignoring him I feels immature to me

 

Thoughts?

[woinlove]

I just hate being the kind of person that just throws someone under a bus.

 

Im not talking about the kind of NC where you explain it's over because of x y and z and then go NC I mean where you just disappear isn't that just running away from the issue?

 

I'm NC now with my ex mm he keeps sending me emails texts which I haven't replied to but and I know this might sound stupid but I just feel rude and sort of like I'm stooping to his level by ignoring him I feels immature to me

 

Thoughts?

 

It is difficult to know what etiquette to use when one is talking about secret affairs with MM/MW. I think one can get hung up on issues of rudeness (should I break it off in person, should I answer his text just to say I don't want further contact, etc) and miss the bigger picture that one is dealing with a secret affair with a person who is married to someone else and/or is dealing with its aftermath. If one wants to employ proper manners, one would not get romantically involved with a MM/MW. So, I think in the bigger picture, NC may be the least rude thing to do.

 

Also, if NC helps you move on to a happier life, then it is definitely the thing to do.

[TaraMaiden]

Look in the cold, grey light of day at what he did - then ask yourself what the hell he would know about good manners.

[imperfectangel]

Look in the cold, grey light of day at what he did - then ask yourself what the hell he would know about good manners.

 

Exactly and that's what I mean about dropping down to his level I'm proud that I've stayed NC but at the same time it's starting to feel like a game from high school

[TaraMaiden]

You can look at it that way - but from his perspective would he see your actions as good manners, or would he give a damn why you were doing it? would he appreciate your gesture, and more importantly, why you're making it?

 

Sometimes, you have to fight fire with fire.

The phrase, "no more Mr Nice Guy" was coined for a reason.

sometimes, being nice just doesn't cut it.

[Fitz]

Look in the cold, grey light of day at what he did - then ask yourself what the hell he would know about good manners.

 

This answer is message board perfection! Short, sweet, to the point, and irrefutable! Nice work, TM!

[Owl]

IA...have you considered blocking his emails/texts/etc...so that you don't even see them???

 

THAT is the best way to go NC. Then you're not dealing with him AT ALL. Seeing those incoming contact attempts from him still feeds your addiction to him to some degre...still feeds the ego that he 'still wants you' even after all of this.

 

Taking active measures to PREVENT seeing those contact attempts from him is going true, full blown NC. That is taking back control into your life.

 

You won't feel childish or "stooping to his level" then...because you won't have cause to feel ANYTHING further for him, or because of him.

 

Sounds like time to take that step to me.

[MissBee]

I just hate being the kind of person that just throws someone under a bus.

 

Im not talking about the kind of NC where you explain it's over because of x y and z and then go NC I mean where you just disappear isn't that just running away from the issue?

 

I'm NC now with my ex mm he keeps sending me emails texts which I haven't replied to but and I know this might sound stupid but I just feel rude and sort of like I'm stooping to his level by ignoring him I feels immature to me

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't think NC is rude or immature....but I do remember that at the time when I needed to do it, I felt like it was. But I chalk it up to my "addicted brain" at the time, which basically, anything that involved not talking or being with my ex was construed in my mind and my feelings as "harsh", "unnecessary", "maybe I don't need to go all out" etc.

 

NC is not running from the issue, well what NC is to me anyway. NC is realizing a situation is not working and deciding to extract yourself from it, usually the ending of a relationship. If you are in a relationship, even an A, and you just up and do NC...yes that is rude. But if you tell the person the relationship/A is over and you need to detach...then it's not rude but a painful and necessary step to healing.

 

If it makes you feel less rude and able to focus on yourself and moving on, you should tell exMM that you can't speak to him when you're trying to get over him. That way you will feel less bad about NC and will more likely stick to it. I think our brains at the point of breakups usually try to find ways to lessen the blow and usually the idea of weaning yourself off or engaging "a little" seems like it makes perfect sense....but most times it is absolutely not true and when you try to do that, things get worse and then you end up having to do NC anyway or worse yet, the other person does it to you.

[TigerCub]

NC without an explanation is just childish/passive aggressive.

 

NC with an explanation and wanting the R to be over is NOT childish.

 

Ignoring someone's request for NC and bombarding them with emails and calls is more rude and immature in my opinion.

 

Don't feel like you're ignoring him or being rude, because you explained yourself, and you're done. Keep with your NC IA

[freestyle]

If it comes down to my peace of mind, versus anyone else's perception of whether or not I'm being "mature".....

 

Peace of mind wins , hands down every time.

 

I've recently had to go NC with a toxic former friend.

Outsiders who don't know the story are probably labeling me negatively.

But--after learning that any contact will turn into another trip down the rabbit hole.................

 

It's just not worth it.

My peace of mind counts more than any outside opinions.

[whichwayisup]

I just hate being the kind of person that just throws someone under a bus.

 

Im not talking about the kind of NC where you explain it's over because of x y and z and then go NC I mean where you just disappear isn't that just running away from the issue?

 

I'm NC now with my ex mm he keeps sending me emails texts which I haven't replied to but and I know this might sound stupid but I just feel rude and sort of like I'm stooping to his level by ignoring him I feels immature to me

 

Thoughts?

 

How are you stooping to his level? NC is in place and NC is for you..To heal and get over him.

[jphcbpa]

that is your disease talking

[skylarblue]

Yes, I think it’s “rude” to just disappear on/drop out/ignore someone with no notice/explanation. It just doesn’t sit well with me to do that (under “normal” circumstances) to someone you love/loved and who loves/loved you. It just seems kinda cold-hearted. It doesn’t even need explanation (although I think it is considerate to do so honestly and clearly), but at the very least letting a person (who has no idea) know that you want no further contact with/from him or her just seems like the right thing to do. If I was on the receiving end, I feel like I’d deserve the courtesy at the least from xMM to tell me to get lost, a mere 7-letter text, and he should be man enough to do it.

[TigerCub]

WH went NC on xOw without explanation. I had discovered the extent and continuation of the A and he was shocked at what he had become. He wanted to detox from her. She went crazy trying to childishly contact him. Wtf did she think was happening? A MM dropped contacting her. It isn't that hard to figure out why and the grown up thing to do is move on. I stead she badgered for 3 months until he wrote and said stop being such an idiot, I dumped you of course.

 

 

True, the grown up thing to do is to move on.

But the grown up thing for him to do is actually nut up and say "Wife found out - can't do this anymore"

 

or better yet - the grown up thing to do is to not have cheated on you in the first place.

 

I'm not sure how long the affair they had was - but if it was a long term affair, considering all the time he spent with her, all the sweet nothings, promises and confessions of love - she would be confused why all of a sudden things changed.

 

Sure, he's married, but he was married the whole time through.

 

I'm in no way saying that she shouldn't have respected NC - but she didn't even know he was going NC, maybe she thought this was part of the stupid affair drama bull****. She didn't have answers and she didn't have closure, and I am very well aware and can understand how you obviously don't care about that - I'm just saying that depending on what was going on between them and how long, it would be confusing, and therefore, it would be expected that she would contact him to at least hear from him what's going on.

 

Certainly not condoning it, just explaining what might have been the reasoning for her contact.

[betterdeal]

It's over. The end. Fin. No more.

[MissBee]

If it comes down to my peace of mind, versus anyone else's perception of whether or not I'm being "mature".....

 

Peace of mind wins , hands down every time.

 

I've recently had to go NC with a toxic former friend.

Outsiders who don't know the story are probably labeling me negatively.

But--after learning that any contact will turn into another trip down the rabbit hole.................

 

It's just not worth it.

My peace of mind counts more than any outside opinions.

 

This is so true!

 

That is one thing I came to learn during my breakup, and this was in a normal relationship. I spent ALL this time worrying what he would think if I did this or that, I worried about not hurting his feelings, not seaming immature, bitter etc. When in reality, he could care less about how I felt. I know he was not thinking about how to not do this and that to me. Half of what I was worried he was thinking or feeling...he was not. I spent a lot of head space making my NC about his feelings (go figure ) than me. But that was because I was at the time using it as a tool to get him to change his mind as sadintexas pointed out....

 

Once I accepted things were over and I had to move on and heal, I stopped caring about how he interpreted my actions.

[jphcbpa]

NC is for you. NC means no new hurt.

[TigerCub]

I didn't ask him to do it that way but I actually took his not thinking she deserved an explanation as a good sign for our M. Yeah he made promises and had intimacies and she had no right to them do her confusion at them disappearing was exactly what she deserved and put her in a better position to know where she stood- ie with no rights.

 

It doesn't take Einstein to know that you've been thrown under a bus. It doesn't take that much maturity to know you deserved it and to switch to being ashamed of yourself. She doesn't have that maturity though. She didn't believe him when e did tell her she was dumped either so it seems nothing he could have said would have made a difference. Would have just made her think she could convince him.

 

 

Fine, she didn't deserve the intimacy, the promises, the love, etc...and you feel she deserves the be confused and ashamed.

 

All I'm saying is, if there was no direct explanation and just telling someone that's its done, I can see her confusion (especially if it was a long affair - I don't know how long it was).

 

She should have left things alone sooner, I agree with that. If he ignored her for a long time, she should have just moved on and ignored him right back, but obviously she needed an answer, she needed to know for sure.

 

Also, why do you think she would have thought she could have convinced him?

 

Not many people think they should "convince" others to be with them. The only scenario in which I would imagine that she would entertain that thought is if she heard all the crap he dished out about how terrible you are and how miserable he is being with you - that would give her the notion that if its that bad, she could maybe convince him to stay with her - but she wouldn't if she thought he really wanted to be with you****

 

****IMO I am a firm believer that no one is where they don't want to be - so I'm definitely not one to convince, manipulate or force anyone to be with me - if they want to be they will be - I'm just saying that if you believe she would try to convince him - there has to be a reason for her to think that it is even something that would work.

You can't convince someone of something if you don't think they want it, at least just a little bit.

[MissBee]

Ir is rude. But it doesn't rate against inserting yourself in a other womans marriage. It's a rudeness I would say the OW absolutely deserves. Deserves is exactly the word I would use.

 

I thought when he showed her that rudeness that he was just starting to treat her as she deserved and I was willing to listen to him about moving back in.

 

ETA if it's ok for married OW to fo NC to heal then why not MM? He was damaged by the affair and could not stop the process without cutting her off. Best for him. Best for his wife and kids. Who cares about her if the A is over?

 

Wow...don't even know what to say about this. Brighter, most of your posts here in the OW section seem quite one-sided where the OW is absolute scum who did everything wrong and the MM is an after thought to the whole fact of the A. You are indeed entitled to feel that way but it's interesting that this is the forum you choose to share it on.

 

In any case....as Lady Grey said, if a MM thought the person good enough at the time to sleep with and do God knows what else with, then it is quite hypocritical for him, a participant in the A, to act like he is so much more above her now (that what , he got caught, he suddenly regrew his conscience??) and she she "deserves" rudeness. Tiger's post sums it up nicely. If you chose an A then when you decide to stop, you could be decent enough to say you are going to stop. In fact....it would be smarter, as in your case, perhaps had this woman been told, then an entire rigmarole of chasing down answers would not have ensued.

[TigerCub]

Ir is rude. But it doesn't rate against inserting yourself in a other womans marriage. It's a rudeness I would say the OW absolutely deserves. Deserves is exactly the word I would use.

 

I thought when he showed her that rudeness that he was just starting to treat her as she deserved and I was willing to listen to him about moving back in.

 

ETA if it's ok for married OW to fo NC to heal then why not MM? He was damaged by the affair and could not stop the process without cutting her off. Best for him. Best for his wife and kids. Who cares about her if the A is over?

 

BW, I don't think anyone here is debating the importance of NC.

Your H wanted out of the A

your H wanted to fix the M

NC is definitely good - he does need to heal and so do you and your family.

 

but NC to your H was not NC to the OW because she didn't even know it was NC.

[TigerCub]

She was pretty clear why he thought she could convince him- because she was her, irresistible wonderful her - she's awfully vain, honest. She just cannot fathom someone not wanting her. She said as much!

 

Who told you that? Your husband? The one who lied to you before? The one that would rather make her out to be vain and blah blah than admit that he gave her hope by making you look bad and devaluing your marriage?

 

You have every right to hate this woman and want her to be as miserable as her part in this made you - BUT...she had a part in this, your H did too.

[MissBee]

BW, I don't think anyone here is debating the importance of NC.

Your H wanted out of the A

your H wanted to fix the M

NC is definitely good - he does need to heal and so do you and your family.

 

but NC to your H was not NC to the OW because she didn't even know it was NC.

 

Ditto.

 

I have always said that if someone doesn't want to speak to me, I'd rather them let me know, that way I won't bother them and if I do, then clearly I have the problem. But if someone decides to ignore you out of nowhere, while most of us can "figure it out" it most often always leaves questions and room for you to think other things.

 

It is not even about decency, so much as you making it CLEAR to this person what is going on, so they can't read it in any other way and it will lessen the chance of continued contact. If you tell someone it's done and you can't speak to them further, it is way less likely that they will continue to chase you down. Of course, they may contact you further...but I don't think it will be as relentless as if you explained to them beforehand.

[MissBee]

Miss Bee even if you think he is no better than she is and it's hypocritical to act above her- I'm definitely above her and I deserve for him to treat her like that. I deserve for him to realize they were both awful.

 

As to his being better? I believe the one who wakes up and ends the A is better than the one who doesn't. I also think the one who pursues I'd worse than the one who accepts. So on both counts he's better than her post A.

 

Well I disagree...but I do understand how constructing it like that would help you to cope with this situation.

 

The one who is married is the worse person in the A IMO.

 

Both are undoubtedly being unscrupulous, but the one who is married, who has a family and who is going to look into their wife's face and lie is far worse than the single person who does not have to do as much in terms of lying and sneaking around.

[NoIDidn't]

It is difficult to know what etiquette to use when one is talking about secret affairs with MM/MW. I think one can get hung up on issues of rudeness (should I break it off in person, should I answer his text just to say I don't want further contact, etc) and miss the bigger picture that one is dealing with a secret affair with a person who is married to someone else and/or is dealing with its aftermath. If one wants to employ proper manners, one would not get romantically involved with a MM/MW. So, I think in the bigger picture, NC may be the least rude thing to do.

 

Also, if NC helps you move on to a happier life, then it is definitely the thing to do.

 

I can't LIKE this enough!

 

Also TaraMaiden's post!

 

Its not immature if you are doing it to heal yourself and move AWAY from a relationship with them anyway.

 

I say anything that gets you to the goal of over him that's not illegal and only involves ignoring them is NOT rude. Some people don't deserve the courtesy of being polite as they just don't seem to understand it.

[woinlove]

I agree with others that when a MM/MW ends an A after d-day a simple NC statement serves a purpose in telling the OW/OM that things have ended and there is to be NC. From posts here, it seems these are often crafted with input from the BS and they serve the purpose of both the BS and the AP being informed of NC. This seems preferable to simply disappearing, unless the A was so brief that no ongoing contact is assumed.

 

I don't think this applies to the OP's case though as the MM already disappeared for quite a while, did not treat her with respect when he resumed contact and he is the married one, so any contact is another contact he needs to conceal. I think imperfectangel should do whatever suits her best in healing and moving on, as one could argue either way whether contact from her is ruder (another contact to conceal) or not (letting him know where she's at, but he may just interpret how he wants anyway).