Anyone else find going NC rude/immature?

[TigerCub]

Of course he had a part. And he did the right thing by sending the message "you do not matter to me anymore, I don't even have to tell you anything at all".

 

But for the reord it was she who said those things- that was her opening line in tw affair stakes- I'm gorgeous and you couldn't possibly not be attracted to me. Before he ever admitted any such thing.

 

I'm sorry I honestly don't know what that in bold means?

was it an email you read? or a text?

or did he tell you that?

 

Honestly, not trying to be an ass, I just don't understand what you're saying.

 

and as for sending her that message, obviously she didn't get it quick enough and it seemed to cause more drama than just coming out and saying "We're over, and I'd appreciate it if you leave me alone from now on".

[TigerCub]

Of course he had a part. And he did the right thing by sending the message "you do not matter to me anymore, I don't even have to tell you anything at all".

 

But for the reord it was she who said those things- that was her opening line in tw affair stakes- I'm gorgeous and you couldn't possibly not be attracted to me. Before he ever admitted any such thing.

 

1 more note:

I think that going NC and not saying anything actually leaves the door open still, because its not making the end official, it could still be interpreted as game play or trying to get the upper hand in the R.

 

Whereas, coming right out and being firm and saying "We are done, this is over and I need for you to leave me alone and respect my wishes" leaves no room for confusion or coming back and trying to rekindle things - it makes the message clear.

 

But I know that to you, the saying "the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference" comes to mind and you feel that by him completely ignoring her without any explanation it gave her the confusion and pain she deserves, but I think not saying anything for a while, leaves the door open to change one's mind.

[nofool4u]

I just hate being the kind of person that just throws someone under a bus.

 

Im not talking about the kind of NC where you explain it's over because of x y and z and then go NC I mean where you just disappear isn't that just running away from the issue?

 

If a MM/MW, or the OM/OW decides to go NC without any explanation, sorry, but thats just tough titties.

 

MM/MW, OM/OW(with the exception of those that were lied to about their AP's marital status), don't deserve an explanation.

[jwi71]

My thoughts? It sounds like you've been using NC as "punishment" for the disappearing act he pulled and are now looking for an excuse to break your NC.

 

I agree.

 

One's state of mind determines or colors how actions are internalized.

 

If, IA, you really NC and the end...it wouldn't seem rude and immature. It would seem a necessary step to healing, moving on and regaining your life.

 

And since you don't see it that way.....you ARE playing a game - likely one of "I can go 'NC' too you jerk - and when I'M ready to resume (you've suffered enough in my eyes) I'll reply"

[wannabdone]

I haven't began to read everyones responses yet... but I think you need to ask yourself if your not justifiying somehow that its okay to talk to him. I've been in the exact position you are in "I don't want to be like him", but I see now how I was trying to excuse my behavior for talking to him again.

 

Fact is, NC or not... I'm not like him. And it makes not a hill of beans if I prove to him or not if I am not. Its only what I know about myself.

 

Don't do it. Fight that urge. You will get sucked back in, I promise you. Stand strong girl!

[East7]

I was one of those on LS who was a stubborn anti-NC with my xMW.

 

Our A ended more or less in a mutual way. I was fed up with the A and she was sick of feeling guilty and torn. She didn't want to divorce so we said Goodbye and agreed that we had nothing to say to each other anymore. We didn't expressly said we'd go NC but it was assumed for me.

 

Eventually she would break NC craving communication with me. I couldn't not answer. If I didn't, I would find it not gentlemanly and not respectful. So I eventually answered. This lasted 1 year and a half !

 

Now I am strict NC and happy with the peace of mind. I am like what the heck was I thinking when I even bothered answering to her. I didn't want to be rude but with the hindsight I learned 2 things :

- I was not serving my best interest but HERS by relieving her addiction to me.

- I had an Ego stroke. Everytime she would contact me, I unconsciously would enjoy the feeling that she "still wanted me"

 

 

So NC is not rude nor immature - It is just a silent way to say : we have nothing to share or say to each-other.

[TigerCub]

It is what she said to him over and over the day the A started and she told that story consistently in emails and texts reminiscing about it over the next 6 months. So it was from her own admission. He confirms it not that I out much value on that.

 

I don't think telling her straight up would have made a difference. He did eventually tell her it was over and he was able to say he had shown he meant it already and thought Badly of her so she should not cling. To me that is a much stronger message than just I decided today not to have more contact.

 

Thanks for explaining things further BW.

 

I don't know your story in detail. Did she finally leave you guys alone?

I hope so.

[TigerCub]

Great post East!!

 

Agreed!

East has really learned a lot lately.

 

I'm so proud

[findingnemo]

I was one of those on LS who was a stubborn anti-NC with my xMW.

 

Our A ended more or less in a mutual way. I was fed up with the A and she was sick of feeling guilty and torn. She didn't want to divorce so we said Goodbye and agreed that we had nothing to say to each other anymore. We didn't expressly said we'd go NC but it was assumed for me.

 

Eventually she would break NC craving communication with me. I couldn't not answer. If I didn't, I would find it not gentlemanly and not respectful. So I eventually answered. This lasted 1 year and a half !

 

Now I am strict NC and happy with the peace of mind. I am like what the heck was I thinking when I even bothered answering to her. I didn't want to be rude but with the hindsight I learned 2 things :

- I was not serving my best interest but HERS by relieving her addiction to me.

- I had an Ego stroke. Everytime she would contact me, I unconsciously would enjoy the feeling that she "still wanted me"

 

 

So NC is not rude nor immature - It is just a silent way to say : we have nothing to share or say to each-other.

 

Yes, this is a very good post. NC is actually a very natural thing. A lot of times people break up and never see each other again. If you can do it to a single guy, why isn't it easier to do it with a MM?

 

It's not rude, it's normal. Why? Because that person's role in your life is over and you know it. NC shouldn't be used primarily as a tool to show the other person you don't care. It's proof that you are done. That's why breaking NC usually puts you in a far worse position than when you started. The other person "knows" that you still care for him/her.

[betterdeal]

Imagine you don't have mass communication tools. Without phones, SMS, emails &c. NC is the natural way things go when two people split up. Everything else is just brain farts leaking down the line.

[Artie Lang]

i'd be immature for you to break NC.

 

act like an adult and don't waver.

[UpwardForward]

I just hate being the kind of person that just throws someone under a bus.

 

Im not talking about the kind of NC where you explain it's over because of x y and z and then go NC I mean where you just disappear isn't that just running away from the issue?

 

I'm NC now with my ex mm he keeps sending me emails texts which I haven't replied to but and I know this might sound stupid but I just feel rude and sort of like I'm stooping to his level by ignoring him I feels immature to me

 

Thoughts?

 

So sorry, haven't been following your story. Have you explained it's over because of x y and z?

[East7]

 

That is one thing I came to learn during my breakup, and this was in a normal relationship. I spent ALL this time worrying what he would think if I did this or that, I worried about not hurting his feelings, not seaming immature, bitter etc. When in reality, he could care less about how I felt. I know he was not thinking about how to not do this and that to me. Half of what I was worried he was thinking or feeling...he was not. I spent a lot of head space making my NC about his feelings (go figure ) than me. But that was because I was at the time using it as a tool to get him to change his mind as sadintexas pointed out....

 

Once I accepted things were over and I had to move on and heal, I stopped caring about how he interpreted my actions.

 

This is true Missbee,

 

When we "broke up" with MW, she went through a tremendous withdrawal. Sometimes she was angry, resentful, sometimes desperate and crying when talking with me ! I overlooked the reality that SHE chose that situation, I was not responsible for not being with her and instead I was worried about her more than about my OWN grieving. I don't think she cared as much as herself about MY hurt. It was always about how much SHE was hurting.

 

I think that when the break up is still fresh (in ALL the kind of relationships), because of the closeness you had with the person, NC is considered as rude and heartless even from the one who is dumped or not responsible for the ending.

 

It takes time to process the grieving before being really ready for the NC, but that is the only and right thing to do. It took me a long time to realize that NC was actually a GIFT in disguise I was making her and myself.

[wannabdone]

This is true Missbee,

 

When we "broke up" with MW, she went through a tremendous withdrawal. Sometimes she was angry, resentful, sometimes desperate and crying when talking with me ! I overlooked the reality that SHE chose that situation, I was not responsible for not being with her and instead I was worried about her more than about my OWN grieving. I don't think she cared as much as herself about MY hurt. It was always about how much SHE was hurting.

 

I think that when the break up is still fresh (in ALL the kind of relationships), because of the closeness you had with the person, NC is considered as rude and heartless even from the one who is dumped or not responsible for the ending.

 

It takes time to process the grieving before being really ready for the NC, but that is the only and right thing to do. It took me a long time to realize that NC was actually a GIFT in disguise I was making her and myself.

 

 

great post East! I think you should share your story with the new bee that just posted today!

[FightClub]

I was one of those on LS who was a stubborn anti-NC with my xMW.

 

Our A ended more or less in a mutual way. I was fed up with the A and she was sick of feeling guilty and torn. She didn't want to divorce so we said Goodbye and agreed that we had nothing to say to each other anymore. We didn't expressly said we'd go NC but it was assumed for me.

 

Eventually she would break NC craving communication with me. I couldn't not answer. If I didn't, I would find it not gentlemanly and not respectful. So I eventually answered. This lasted 1 year and a half !

 

Now I am strict NC and happy with the peace of mind. I am like what the heck was I thinking when I even bothered answering to her. I didn't want to be rude but with the hindsight I learned 2 things :

- I was not serving my best interest but HERS by relieving her addiction to me.

- I had an Ego stroke. Everytime she would contact me, I unconsciously would enjoy the feeling that she "still wanted me"

 

 

So NC is not rude nor immature - It is just a silent way to say : we have nothing to share or say to each-other.

 

East,

 

Very impressive! Couldn't agree more with what you've said and how you've processed everything the last few months.

 

Everyone learns at different stages of the journey, this is a great example of that. Keep on learning 'brotha and moving forward in life!

 

-FC

[pureinheart]

Exactly and that's what I mean about dropping down to his level I'm proud that I've stayed NC but at the same time it's starting to feel like a game from high school

 

IMO NC is not a game from HS, it can be turned into a game, although the actual point of NC is that you are saying, for whatever reason, that you donot want to talk to a particular individual...and you have that right...again IMO you owe no explanation to ANYONE.

 

NC can be implemented in many cases and relationships...again if you don't want to have any contact with a particular person...you don't have to.

[wannabdone]

IMO NC is not a game from HS, it can be turned into a game, although the actual point of NC is that you are saying, for whatever reason, that you donot want to talk to a particular individual...and you have that right...again IMO you owe no explanation to ANYONE.

 

NC can be implemented in many cases and relationships...again if you don't want to have any contact with a particular person...you don't have to.

 

 

The ONLY time NC becomes a game is one is doing it and it is not for the intention of what it should be... to remove that person from your life. If NC is done in a way to leave a door open, make some realize what they have lost, make someone jealous, cover their ass, or anything else other than just plain and simply shutting someone out of your life who is toxic...then it is a game.

[Spark1111]

Idunno.....

 

fBS here...so take this with a big grain of salt.....

 

But I have had relationships prior to marriage....so let me try to put myself in someone else's shoes......

 

Someone pursued you; the attraction was mutual. They gave you a sob story, one you could not verify, that they were unhappily married and their spouse was a, b, c, d. It evoked all your sympathy and you fell hook, line and sinker for this poor, unhappy, person.

 

They encouraged that. They told you whatever they thought you needed to hear to keep you satisfied with crumbs of time and attention. You waited, waited, waited, for their next available moment.

 

You started to obsess about them; what were they doing, when would you see them again; how great it would be when they could finally get away again. How sad they must be to be stuck in such a loveless relationship and how happy you could make them and they could make you.....someday when they finally left.

 

Meanwhile, you put your life, many of your weekends, most holidays on hold for them; their next visit, phone call, text. Year(s) went by.

 

It was never a good time for them to leave their relationship. After the holidays, when they got their finances together, when the last child went to college, when the moon turned red and the seas purple.

 

You kept waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping, but nothing ever changed. You either got fed up or had a dday, where the s##t hit the fan and you realized, broken heartedly that they weren't so unhappily married, or never intended to leave their marriage for you.

 

So now, NC is necessary to save your sanity and move on.

 

But it may be considered rude and you are unsure if you should implement it completely as you do not want to appear classless and without manners.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU OWE THIS PERSON NOTHING!!!!! You owe them only the same disrespect they showed you.

 

DO not continue to be a doormat in the name of good manners. It will not be appreciated by such a selfish, self-entitled narcissist. They chose you because you were a nice person they could count on not to make too many waves. MAKE A WAVE.

 

STOP fooling yourself that they will think you a better person, come to their senses, leave their spouse and FINALLY ride off with you into the sunset!

 

Break a dish over their head, tell them where to get off, block all their means of contact and post pictures of yourself on FB in your hottest bathing suit with your NEW love interest vacationing in French Riviera!

 

....jeez....

[wannabdone]

Idunno.....

 

fBS here...so take this with a big grain of salt.....

 

But I have had relationships prior to marriage....so let me try to put myself in someone else's shoes......

 

Someone pursued you; the attraction was mutual. They gave you a sob story, one you could not verify, that they were unhappily married and their spouse was a, b, c, d. It evoked all your sympathy and you fell hook, line and sinker for this poor, unhappy, person.

 

They encouraged that. They told you whatever they thought you needed to hear to keep you satisfied with crumbs of time and attention. You waited, waited, waited, for their next available moment.

 

You started to obsess about them; what were they doing, when would you see them again; how great it would be when they could finally get away again. How sad they must be to be stuck in such a loveless relationship and how happy you could make them and they could make you.....someday when they finally left.

 

Meanwhile, you put your life, many of your weekends, most holidays on hold for them; their next visit, phone call, text. Year(s) went by.

 

It was never a good time for them to leave their relationship. After the holidays, when they got their finances together, when the last child went to college, when the moon turned red and the seas purple.

 

You kept waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping, but nothing ever changed. You either got fed up or had a dday, where the s##t hit the fan and you realized, broken heartedly that they weren't so unhappily married, or never intended to leave their marriage for you.

 

So now, NC is necessary to save your sanity and move on.

 

But it may be considered rude and you are unsure if you should implement it completely as you do not want to appear classless and without manners.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU OWE THIS PERSON NOTHING!!!!! You owe them only the same disrespect they showed you.

 

DO not continue to be a doormat in the name of good manners. It will not be appreciated by such a selfish, self-entitled narcissist. They chose you because you were a nice person they could count on not to make too many waves. MAKE A WAVE.

 

STOP fooling yourself that they will think you a better person, come to their senses, leave their spouse and FINALLY ride off with you into the sunset!

 

Break a dish over their head, tell them where to get off, block all their means of contact and post pictures of yourself on FB in your hottest bathing suit with your NEW love interest vacationing in French Riviera!

 

....jeez....

 

UM.... LOVE THIS!!!!

 

Spot on. Its only rude and childish if you are doing it as I said earlier to try to get them back for something. However, why on earth would you want to? The make up of A's is that you don't have him full time, guess what, neither does the BS, or his kids. His selfishness involves and hurts multiple amounts of ppl. And they just keep trolling along, laataadee...no biggie.

 

I have went through all of this.... Depression, Finanicial issues, needs a new roof, tax problems, church problems, kids problems, kids bdays, plumbing issues, blah blah blah. Now in mine, the BS has been dearly trying to find a sickness he has. She hoped it was sexual addition and even got mad at me when I told her I didn't believe he was. But shes convinced him into being deeply depressed. IMO her line of thinking might be that it helps her that he is just a sick man. IDK and IDC. I just know there will always be something. to keep you on the hook. And you don't see them because you yourself are making just as much excusses for them. You won't see it until you step back. Then you go through the months of SMH. And wondering how on earth you could be so stupid.

[Spark1111]

UM.... LOVE THIS!!!!

 

Spot on. Its only rude and childish if you are doing it as I said earlier to try to get them back for something. However, why on earth would you want to? The make up of A's is that you don't have him full time, guess what, neither does the BS, or his kids. His selfishness involves and hurts multiple amounts of ppl. And they just keep trolling along, laataadee...no biggie.

 

I have went through all of this.... Depression, Finanicial issues, needs a new roof, tax problems, church problems, kids problems, kids bdays, plumbing issues, blah blah blah. Now in mine, the BS has been dearly trying to find a sickness he has. She hoped it was sexual addition and even got mad at me when I told her I didn't believe he was. But shes convinced him into being deeply depressed. IMO her line of thinking might be that it helps her that he is just a sick man. IDK and IDC. I just know there will always be something. to keep you on the hook. And you don't see them because you yourself are making just as much excusses for them. You won't see it until you step back. Then you go through the months of SMH. And wondering how on earth you could be so stupid.

 

No...you will not see it until to step back....and we all make excuses for those we love whether it be a partner, a child, parent or dear friend.

 

It is what love is suppose to do, put blinders on that we either do not see, or need to excuse the bad behavior of those we love.

 

But the triangle only succeeds when both the OW and the BS are nice people, so nice they are naive. We were CHOSEN for that reason. It only WORKS when both women are that kind, nice, forgiving and naive.

 

And I, personally, will NEVER be that nice or naive again.

 

That lady? She died on dday. And it is a good thing she did.

[imperfectangel]

Thank you for all your replies for the record, I am in NC and plan on staying that way. I told him that if he contacts me again I will forward all communication on to his bs. Whether I would actually do this I don't know he has a child and I'm not sure I could live with breaking up the child's family, but that's a different argument.

 

It's good to see everyone's views on NC, until I joined here I had never heard of it so it is a new concept for me.

[frozensprouts]

In a perfect world, when an affair ends, maybe both parties could have a chance to say "goodbye'...everything that needed to be said could be said, and they'd both move forward.

 

But sometimes that's not possible...it seems like it to be looked at individually. For some , it seems like they know they have to get out, but they only have so much strength, and they have to just stop- cold turkey. No goodbye, no explanation. It may not be the best way to do it, but if it's what works for them, it's what they have to do.

[wannabdone]

No...you will not see it until to step back....and we all make excuses for those we love whether it be a partner, a child, parent or dear friend.

 

It is what love is suppose to do, put blinders on that we either do not see, or need to excuse the bad behavior of those we love.

 

But the triangle only succeeds when both the OW and the BS are nice people, so nice they are naive. We were CHOSEN for that reason. It only WORKS when both women are that kind, nice, forgiving and naive.

 

And I, personally, will NEVER be that nice or naive again.

 

That lady? She died on dday. And it is a good thing she did.

 

 

That is so interestng you say that.... I have told everyone that same thng. That stupid girl who could love someone with such insanity, is dead. NEVER to return.

[confusedinkansas]

I used to think this way about NC.

I answered the emails because I figured it'd be stupid, childish & rude not to. I mean really, we were lovers, best friends. Why couldn't we still keep in touch via email.

 

The reason you can't keep in touch even by email is that it escelates.

First you're talking about your families, kids, etc on email & the next thing you know you're saying, well why not, let's just get together for a glass of wine, talk, catch up in person...........M I S T A K E! Cuz then you're right back in it & the next time you go NC it's even more difficult to 'get over'

 

Yes, in a perfect world both parties would have been given the opportunity to express everything that needed to be said in a final meeting & go about their separate ways. But since this world isn't perfect & neither are the people in it..............it's not always the case.

 

I've learned my lesson a few times the hard way. My EX is blocked in every aspect except one email address & that's only because I rarely check it & it's not deletable. Yes, I could block him from emailing me there but as I said, I rarely check it anymore. It he happens to send one - I delete it without reading. Period! I know that I won't ever see him again, ever! There's no desire anymore.

But I do know in the back of my mind what COULD happen.

[jwi71]

I used to think this way about NC.

I answered the emails because I figured it'd be stupid, childish & rude not to. I mean really, we were lovers, best friends. Why couldn't we still keep in touch via email.

 

The reason you can't keep in touch even by email is that it escelates.

First you're talking about your families, kids, etc on email & the next thing you know you're saying, well why not, let's just get together for a glass of wine, talk, catch up in person...........M I S T A K E! Cuz then you're right back in it & the next time you go NC it's even more difficult to 'get over'

 

Yes, in a perfect world both parties would have been given the opportunity to express everything that needed to be said in a final meeting & go about their separate ways. But since this world isn't perfect & neither are the people in it..............it's not always the case.

 

I've learned my lesson a few times the hard way. My EX is blocked in every aspect except one email address & that's only because I rarely check it & it's not deletable. Yes, I could block him from emailing me there but as I said, I rarely check it anymore. It he happens to send one - I delete it without reading. Period! I know that I won't ever see him again, ever! There's no desire anymore.

But I do know in the back of my mind what COULD happen.

 

That's just awesome CiK.

 

I also remember when you first joined. Do you?

Revisit some of those first posts.

Personally, you have grown and changed and become more healthy.

Kudos. It's good to see that you "get it".

 

You seem to be in a far better place