Horrible Person

[Notagoodperson]

I need a place to let this out.

 

I am a very horrible human being.

I know this for a fact, i realize of how horrible i am and scare of it.

 

Long story short, i have a long term boyfriend, 5 years of commitment and wonderful story. I love him, he loves me, maybe more than i love him.

He is very special, the most warm-hearted person that i ever knew, always treat me like a princess, never mad at me, never raise his voice, always be there to hear all my nonsense jibber jabber, he has sooo many good qualities. Very honest, faithful, gentleman, hard-worker, caring and loving behavior, you name it. He is everything that a woman dream from an ideal lover and husband. And sometimes i just think that i dont deserve this man.

I dont deserve any of this good qualities from him.

Because honestly, i am a serial cheater.

I am what you call an attention whore.

 

the last 2 years of my relationship with my bf is LDR.

its not very hard actually. We communicate in daily basis,

i never doubted him for a second, i just couldnt imagine that he will cheat on me.

 

but in the other hand, i am the cheater.

its not like i am out there, trying to find a man,

no its not my style.

i have a very innocent-flirtatious behavior, so i dont even have to try.

there is always a man out there, falls in love with me.

And everytime this kind of man stand on my door, i just open that door and enjoy the companionship.

I have no feeling for this man.

As i said, i love my bf.

And my wonderful bf notices all of this.

Yes, you are right. I tell him about all of this man.

I tell him that i love him, but i need more attention from another man.

I love the feeling of being loved by everyone.

And my bf understands it.

Its a double standard actually, i want all the freedom, but i tell him to not engage with another girl. I am a very jealousy girl, and i dont want another girl touch my bf.

And he said yes, he will be faithful to me. And i know he meant it. He is the man of his word, and never in his life broke a promise.

 

So you could see how kind he is.

how wonderful he is. And i am just a scumbag.

 

Lately, i've been involve with MM.

Just like my another partner, i have no feeling for this man.

I just enjoy the affection, attention, and all the excitement from this relationship.

 

But then his wife found out about it, and force MM to call me to end everything.

I was okay with that. No hard feeling.

But after that i realize that i miss my MM.

Nope, i dont love him, but i really enjoy his attention,

so when suddenly its all gone, i kinda miss it.

I told this to my bf, and asked him to cheer me everytime i feel down.

He did that, always make me smile and laugh when i have my bad day missing the MM.

But my bf said that i've already developed a feeling for this MM. He said maybe its not a love, but you do care a lot about this man to the point that you miss him that bad. i guess its true. and my bf senses the danger of this thing. he told me i could lose everything in my life right now if this A blows out. my career, my friends, my family, everything, and i should just forget this MM and moved on with my life. I agree to do that.

 

Unfortunately its not that simple. This MM keep chasing me, and like another man who knock on my door, i open it. i resume the A, and feel good about it.

I didnt tell my bf about this at the first place, but finally i told him.

He was sooo disappointed at me, because i promised him to not continue the A.

 

but the A feels so good.

and now i am feeling so stupid, guilty all over for doing this to my bf.

i really2 love him, he is the man of my life, i can picture myself be his wife and live happily ever after.. But i dont know how to pull my self from this A addiction, especially now with the MM, where everything could be so messy.

 

i am devastated right now.

i know that im a very bad girlfriend, treat him poorly, but why my bf still keep up with me.. its one of the biggest mystery.

i am sooo selfish, always take but never give anything to my bf.

 

i dont know..

sorry, i just need a place to vent this..

[2sunny]

You are so self centered you need serious help. Please seek counseling to learn how to focus on other peoples feelings and how you affect others.

 

You seem to have no level of feeling or conscience.

 

That's VERY concerning when you combine it with your extreme selfishness.

 

Your BF needs help too. No healthy man would stay.

[KathyM]

Tell your boyfriend you can't be the kind of girlfriend he needs you to be, and that he deserves better than you are able to give him, so you are letting him go. Then go ahead and date all the men you want to, but leave the married men alone. Have some integrity. You are hurting others with your behavior.

[findingnemo]

You will lose your bf. Why? Because he's getting to know you very well and since you're acting like a friend, he'll friend zone you.

 

About the need to sleep around (that's what it really is), go ahead. But stop making your bf's life miserable by telling him you love him. I don't think he's weak. He's far away and may also be seeing other women but isn't saying so. His reaction to you shows that he has disengaged emotionally.

 

The MM... It's up to you. Is his attention worth losing all that? You may be falling for him because he's unavailable. He can't commit to adoring you and only you. Classic really. Go to IC. Let your bf go until you are ready to commit. Decide who you what to be and start working towards that. Calling yourself an attention whore is useless. Change what you're doing but base that change on what you want for yourself.

 

If you want to keep opening doors for Tom, Dick and Harry, own that. If not, stop and change things. Change everything about yourself that you don't like. I'm pretty sure there's more.

[seren]

I was struck by how many times you called yourself a horrible person, scumbag and a whore (not a nice label for anyone). If you feel like this, then I seriously wonder if you seek attention to validate yourself or to make yourself feel attractive, wanted and that might be what you need to look at. It doesn't seem like you are getting very much from these other relationships, doesn't seem like your BF is either.

 

I would suggest that it might be a good idea to take a break from any relationships and to take that time to look at who and what you want to be and learn to like you, rather than look for others to give you self esteem. Maybe you will stop labelling yourself a horrible person, scumbag and please, not a whore, even one for attention.

[Artie Lang]

you have some issues and need to see a therapist for LA(love addiction)/SA(sex addiction) pronto!

 

poor guy.....he's being cuckolded by you.

 

 

btw, you really are a horrible person. do something about it.

[frozensprouts]

I would humbly suggest to the OP that she rally seems to thrive on the attention that all this behavior is getting her. I would suggest to her that she not get into any type of long term relationship, and that she stay away from married guys as well...there are a ton of single guys out there who would love to provide her with the attention that she seems to thrive on...

 

by doing so, she'll stop being the horrible person that she feels she is, and she'll still get as much attention as she wants...

 

problem solved

Edited April 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bestplayer]

I need a place to let this out.

 

I am a very horrible human being.

I know this for a fact, i realize of how horrible i am and scare of it.

 

Long story short, i have a long term boyfriend, 5 years of commitment and wonderful story. I love him, he loves me, maybe more than i love him.

He is very special, the most warm-hearted person that i ever knew, always treat me like a princess, never mad at me, never raise his voice, always be there to hear all my nonsense jibber jabber, he has sooo many good qualities. Very honest, faithful, gentleman, hard-worker, caring and loving behavior, you name it. He is everything that a woman dream from an ideal lover and husband. And sometimes i just think that i dont deserve this man.

I dont deserve any of this good qualities from him.

Because honestly, i am a serial cheater.

I am what you call an attention whore.

 

the last 2 years of my relationship with my bf is LDR.

its not very hard actually. We communicate in daily basis,

i never doubted him for a second, i just couldnt imagine that he will cheat on me.

 

but in the other hand, i am the cheater.

its not like i am out there, trying to find a man,

no its not my style.

i have a very innocent-flirtatious behavior, so i dont even have to try.

there is always a man out there, falls in love with me.

And everytime this kind of man stand on my door, i just open that door and enjoy the companionship.

I have no feeling for this man.

As i said, i love my bf.

And my wonderful bf notices all of this.

Yes, you are right. I tell him about all of this man.

I tell him that i love him, but i need more attention from another man.

I love the feeling of being loved by everyone.

And my bf understands it.

Its a double standard actually, i want all the freedom, but i tell him to not engage with another girl. I am a very jealousy girl, and i dont want another girl touch my bf.

And he said yes, he will be faithful to me. And i know he meant it. He is the man of his word, and never in his life broke a promise.

 

So you could see how kind he is.

how wonderful he is. And i am just a scumbag.

 

Lately, i've been involve with MM.

Just like my another partner, i have no feeling for this man.

I just enjoy the affection, attention, and all the excitement from this relationship.

 

But then his wife found out about it, and force MM to call me to end everything.

I was okay with that. No hard feeling.

But after that i realize that i miss my MM.

Nope, i dont love him, but i really enjoy his attention,

so when suddenly its all gone, i kinda miss it.

I told this to my bf, and asked him to cheer me everytime i feel down.

He did that, always make me smile and laugh when i have my bad day missing the MM.

But my bf said that i've already developed a feeling for this MM. He said maybe its not a love, but you do care a lot about this man to the point that you miss him that bad. i guess its true. and my bf senses the danger of this thing. he told me i could lose everything in my life right now if this A blows out. my career, my friends, my family, everything, and i should just forget this MM and moved on with my life. I agree to do that.

 

Unfortunately its not that simple. This MM keep chasing me, and like another man who knock on my door, i open it. i resume the A, and feel good about it.

I didnt tell my bf about this at the first place, but finally i told him.

He was sooo disappointed at me, because i promised him to not continue the A.

 

but the A feels so good.

and now i am feeling so stupid, guilty all over for doing this to my bf.

i really2 love him, he is the man of my life, i can picture myself be his wife and live happily ever after.. But i dont know how to pull my self from this A addiction, especially now with the MM, where everything could be so messy.

 

i am devastated right now.

i know that im a very bad girlfriend, treat him poorly, but why my bf still keep up with me.. its one of the biggest mystery.

i am sooo selfish, always take but never give anything to my bf.

 

i dont know..

sorry, i just need a place to vent this..

 

Your assesment about you could all be right but not about your BF. Your BF isn't a wonderful decent man , he's a doormat with no self-esteem & a would-be cuckold who puts up with any crap you deal him . A real man would have gotten rid of you much earlier .

[nofool4u]

NAGP

 

All I can say is you are right on all counts. Except for the part about loving your bf.

[SomedayDig]

Innocent-flirtation. Is that kinda like jumbo shrimp?

 

Just an FYI NAGP...most guys when given the opportunity WILL bang the snot out of you just to do it. You seem nothing but a conquest in a bar.

[nofool4u]

Innocent-flirtation. Is that kinda like jumbo shrimp?

 

I just about blew coffee out of my nose.

[jphcbpa]

Innocent-flirtation. Is that kinda like jumbo shrimp?

 

like Postal Service

[wannabdone]

So, you feel like because men will bang you that you are getting attention? And you feel like because your boyfriend obviously doesn't give two flips about you to stand up for the woman he loves and not want to share her that he somehow loves you? Honey, your getting things awfully confused here. You have a LDR with a man, and you are a side thing for other men. To me...that shows you are completely alone, really.

 

I'm sorry, I know this harsh as hell. But, it is honestly ppl like you that make every single person think that everyone who has an A thinks as you do. And that really makes my skin crawl.

 

You need to go to IC. You need to dump your bf, although I sincerely think he probably doesn't see things as serious as you do.

Edited April 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
calling OP NPD and sociopath

[whichwayisup]

Unfortunately its not that simple. This MM keep chasing me, and like another man who knock on my door, i open it. i resume the A, and feel good about it.

I didnt tell my bf about this at the first place, but finally i told him.

He was sooo disappointed at me, because i promised him to not continue the A.

 

but the A feels so good.

and now i am feeling so stupid, guilty all over for doing this to my bf.

i really2 love him, he is the man of my life, i can picture myself be his wife and live happily ever after.. But i dont know how to pull my self from this A addiction, especially now with the MM, where everything could be so messy.

Things are a total mess and you know this now. Everything has been blown apart. Nothing is going to be the as it once was..

 

Time for counselling. You need to fix yourself so you can be a stronger, wiser and smarter person with good boundries and lines that you don't cross with men.

 

Stop beating up on yourself and making you into the victim. Own your choices and make a decision. If you want to continue your affair, end it with your boyfriend so can find love with someone who will love and only want him. If you want your boyfriend, then end your affair and focus on fixing things. You cannot have it both ways..Anymore.

 

I hope you stay and listen to the advice here. Might be rough at times but most WILL do their best to help you - With reality checks, harsh and ass kicking replies, but it'll be because you're in need of stoping the cheating behaviour and learning to let go of the MM, get unaddicted to him and how he makes you feel. Ignore posts that are rude (name calling and outright cruelity - I'm sure you'll be able to tell the difference) and focus on the posts that help you and are full of wisdom.

[MissBee]

I was struck by how many times you called yourself a horrible person, scumbag and a whore (not a nice label for anyone). If you feel like this, then I seriously wonder if you seek attention to validate yourself or to make yourself feel attractive, wanted and that might be what you need to look at. It doesn't seem like you are getting very much from these other relationships, doesn't seem like your BF is either.

 

I would suggest that it might be a good idea to take a break from any relationships and to take that time to look at who and what you want to be and learn to like you, rather than look for others to give you self esteem. Maybe you will stop labelling yourself a horrible person, scumbag and please, not a whore, even one for attention.

 

I agree 100% with this.

 

It sounds to me like the OP has some issues of self worth and is always seeking external sources to make her feel special and good about herself. Unfortunately, that will never be enough if she doesn't feel it and believe it for herself. So even with a boyfriend she is constantly seeking more sources of validation from other men, even if she doesn't care about them. Even after doing all this behind her boyfriend's back she still expects he should comfort her and make her feel good. No one can do this for you and when you are that insecure it damages your relationships, romantic and otherwise as you become a vampire who sucks the life out of others to fill yourself up, but it's never satiated.

 

I do agree that the OP should take a break from all relationships and try to seek some counseling and focus on herself and how to gain a sense of happiness, self worth etc without needing different men to provide it.

Edited April 20, 2012 by MissBee

[2sunny]

Start by telling yourself kind thoughts of yourself then show actions to back up the good parts of you.

 

Thoughts turn will into actions. But with no positive thoughts you haven't started yet. You can start there!

 

Positive thoughts lead to positive things but the action behind it must be done each day!