Dating or FWB, and how do I tell my friend?

[goingpostal]

I'm not panicking about this or anything but looking for 3rd party/fresh perspectives.

 

- We were "just friends" for about a year before we started sleeping together with no previous indication of interest, and our first night together was unplanned.

- We hang out every weekend, Fri - Sun. Rarely during the week but it's happened (our work schedules aren't good for during-week hangouts but he seems willing to travel/squeeze it in if we can).

- It's been going on for about a month with future plans.

- ^^ We have made plans that extend through the summer at least (not specific marked dates, just ideas of things we could do that are coming to fruition).

- We've gone shopping together, not just "groceries for tonight" but like domestic shopping where he's asked for my opinion on things. He seems to like the idea of doing boring/mundane everyday life tasks like that with me.

- He buys me food/pays for events without even expecting me to pay my half (even though I offer). Unless we're with friends/other people. Then we each pay our own way.

- We do spend the night and he does kiss/hug me when we part.

- We text/talk daily-- if I don't say hi, he'll find a reason to. It's sporadic but it's noticeable because as "just friends" we rarely texted at all.

- I am not sure he ever "expects" sex because he always waits for me to make the first move or to be in a position where it makes sense for us to start making out (like if our faces are close to each other). That said, we have had sex or messed around every time we've hung out.

- No PDA.

- Neither of us has told our mutual friends.

 

He has referred to this as dating and as FWB, but both in sort of joking contexts. I have only referred to it as FWB once, but otherwise not mentioned dating. Honestly I thought it was strictly FWB until he started mentioning stuff like that, "the future"/future plans, and things like "I'll figure [insert mysterious part of me] "this" out eventually," which to me sort of implies he's pursuing something. We've known each other for a year and a half, so these are things that are closer/more intimate.

 

He knows I recently got out of a relationship and have been making the usual heartbroken "I'll never do this again!" kind of comments. (He also makes those comments but I can't tell if it's an ego cover-up where he's trying to make it seem like no big deal or if he actually means it.)

 

I guess I'm just at a point where I wouldn't be crushed if I found out he didn't like me that way... but I'd be TOTALLY ECSTATIC if he did. But I also don't want to know how he feels-- it's less about where this is going and more about what it appears to be right now. I'll deal with "where it's going" later when it starts going somewhere But of course if you bring up "where it is" that will naturally lead into a "where it's going" thing and I don't really want to deal with that right now.

 

The other huge(ish) issue is that one of our mutual friends/my friend for 3+ years has had a crush on him for a year. She's expressed interest and they've even messed around but he's made it pretty clear he's not into her (to her and also later to me, saying that he has anxiety issues when it comes to rejecting people and sometimes just goes with the flow... idiot. ).

 

She's sleeping with multiple people, not really pursuing him at all, but wants me to "spy" on him for her (since she knows we're hanging out a lot) and "keep him from getting a girlfriend" just in case he decides to date her some day. It honestly makes me uncomfortable even just as a friend and I've expressed this but she still believes she has some claim on him that HE should know about.

 

Basically the defining statement of this awkward/lame situation for me is something she has said a couple times: "I can't decide if it's really cute/cool that you guys are hanging out and so I'm okay with a friendship developing, or if I just want you to totally spy on me and drop hints of my amazingness and butter me up for him." What bothers me isn't just that this is a total puppet master view on us... but also that this dude and I were friends independently of her. We hung out one on one, went to shows, whatever, even while I was in my previous relationship (as it was just friends then).

 

Her approach to this is making it completely uncomfortable for me to be honest/open about what's going on, even though I'd really like to be because I love and respect her as a friend. Her crush wouldn't stop me from seeing him if we were actually pursuing something but as just FWB? it totally would. He's awesome but she's more important to me. But her creepy over-possessiveness just makes me not want to tell her at all and then that makes me because I want to share my life with my friends. See my conflict?

 

He and I only talk about her if it comes up (and on friendly terms, like "oh she has one of those too, she says she really likes it" -- no badmouthing ) but otherwise haven't really gotten into that (or any other remotely serious) topic. I don't care to discuss it with him. I think our sex life is our business... but I also don't want to hurt my friend. I thought this was going to be a one night thing, and then just FWB, and now it appears(?) to be progressing further so I feel I want to tell her (but I don't feel guilty for not telling her). Would you? And if so, how?

[NateC]

Honestly...it's better to tell her sooner rather than later. I ended up being almost in the same situation because a friend of mine expressed interest in the same girl I did, but avoided that conversation because she ended up rejecting me anyway. However, if something DID develop I would've told him about it and my intention was not to stomp on his hopes.

 

The way I see it: unless the person's dating already, they're "free" in a sense. I hate referring to people as objects, but it's the best way to explain it..."keeping him single" is not your responsibility. If she wants him that badly, she needs to express it herself.