Need some advice

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

Hi all i am new to this site so please be nice

I don't really want to go to much into detail but i am the OW i have been with MM for 2 years and it is a LDR also to top things of he has cronic depression we see each other once twice a month we are on the phone everyday and we are never out of contact, we have always had this amazing bond he drives 200 miles which he hates or we meet half way, not through work but his choice. We laugh, we talk iv never been so close to someone. The problem is his depression is getting worse, maybe one week out of a month he is ok it never ever use to be like this at all . The last 3 times we have been together he has been down, when he is with me and down i can cope but the minute he goes back home he is distant unloving and i get the general feeling of he can't be bothered with me. He asks me to just support him but i am getting down to in the process. He use to call me beautiful and nice things, that no longer happens i will get i love you too if i say it first and i don't seem to hear much from him now unless i contact him first even then it seems like an effort to reply. I find my self asking if he is not as into me because everything use to be so perfect he will usually say we are fine im just down.

I messaged him today and said can you be honest and tell me you are as into this relationship as you use to be can you put your hand on your heart and say im really what you want. His reply was. I don't know the answer, sometimes i think yes other times i'm not sure. He said he puts it down to his depression getting worse.

 

I am so lost and confused this is so hard for me dealing with being the OW, LDR and his depression i just don't know what to do any more. Is anyone able to offer me some advice please or any of their own stories.

Please if you are going to be nasty to me save it for another time at this time right now i need support thank you

Edited April 19, 2012 by ConfusedBlueeyes

[callmegee]

Is he getting professional help for his depression?

Do you know what are the reasons contributing to his depression?

 

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

He use to get help but stopped as it made him worse both pills and counselling. He has finally agreed next week to go and see someone. His depressions stems from his brothers suicide and the emotional and physical abuse he had from his W. These are not recent things but hes never gotten over them its only now 2 years into our Relationship that he is getting worse.

I am just starting to wonder if it is the depression causing him to be like this to me or it is in fact he's not as into me. He no longer talks about our future and if i ask he just says yes and then its subject change.

Edited April 19, 2012 by ConfusedBlueeyes

[wannabdone]

First, let me say, I'm sorry for what you are going through. A's are very painful and they can often lead into depression. I think that he is probably growing tired of it and doesn't want to lose you, but also doesn't want to leave. He probably feels a lot of burden and anxiety keeping up both ends, and as the time goes on, it gets harder and harder.

 

I don't want to be nasty, but I'm just telling you from first hand experience, he's not leaving. And sweetie, you need to stop worrying about what he's going through and think about what YOU are going through and what YOU are doing.

 

I've been the person who put myself and what I needed behind, because I was worried constantly about my xMM. I'm going to say this as nicely as I can... he's not worried about you. he's worried about him. His depression is getting worse, because all he is doing is thinking about how bad he has it and how hard he has it.

 

I think you need to start detacting yourself from this. I feel a dday coming up soon.

[woinlove]

OW, LDR and depression does sound like a large negative load. Depression needs medical attention, so I'm not sure what you can do about that. As to the OW and LDR part, why do you think he continues to stay married? Is that likely to change any time soon? Two years seems like a long time for him to lead a double life, long enough to develop habits, behaviours and expectations that may be difficult to change.

[jwi71]

 

I am so lost and confused this is so hard for me dealing with being the OW, LDR and his depression i just don't know what to do any more. Is anyone able to offer me some advice please or any of their own stories.

Please if you are going to be nasty to me save it for another time at this time right now i need support thank you

 

Well, you cite 3 reasons for postings but seeing as you posted in the OW/OM forum I'll focus there.

 

However, having said that, you seem to be focusing much more on his depression than anything else - making my reply a bit more challenging.

 

What about being the OW is causing YOU distress?

Do you believe that the A is partially responsible for his current depression? If so why and to what extent?

 

Are you bothered by the lack of future talks? Does that imply he was speaking of and moving towards D but has now stopped?

 

Can you be more OW centric or at least help me better understand how the three issues relate to YOU (as the OW to be precise).

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

Wanabdone, thank you so much for your reply i think i have started realising that i should be worrying about myself. I am not really able to discuss my feelings as it causes him stress and he can't deal with it.

 

Woinlove, His W knows he no longer loves her he has also told her on a few occasions that once he is able to he will be getting a place of his own. He has his own business which started up last year and is not able as of yet to get his own place

 

Ladygrey JWi71 , I do believe he suffers from depression in the past his mood was up and down a lot and he is finally seeing someone next week. As for the depression its self could it be because of the A i have said to him i feel what we are doing is making him worse but he is sure it is not us and he struggles with life everyday even before me but it gets worse. I don't know sigh.

I know that in order for us to last he will need to get a place he knows this but is not able to yet and maybe he has just threw it to the back of his mind because hes not able to yet. I just find myself needing reassuring though because its not mentiioned no more.

Being the OW does bother me a lot i know nothing is going on though they dont share a bed his W knows theres nothing there aswell

Edited April 19, 2012 by ConfusedBlueeyes

[wannabdone]

Wanabdone, thank you so much for your reply i think i have started realising that i should be worrying about myself. I am not really able to discuss my feelings as it causes him stress and he can't deal with it.

 

Woinlove, His W knows he no longer loves her he has also told her on a few occasions that once he is able to he will be getting a place of his own. He has his own business which started up last year and is not able as of yet to get his own place

 

Ladygrey JWi71 , I do believe he suffers from depression in the past his mood was up and down a lot and he is finally seeing someone next week. As for the depression its self could it be because of the A i have said to him i feel what we are doing is making him worse but he is sure it is not us and he struggles with life everyday even before me but it gets worse. I don't know sigh.

I know that in order for us to last he will need to get a place he knows this but is not able to yet and maybe he has just threw it to the back of his mind because hes not able to yet. I just find myself needing reassuring though because its not mentiioned no more.

 

 

ONE of the multiple issues with A's is you constantly need reassurance. If it was a NORMAL relationship, you would be coming home to that person every night, and have the time to really discuss things and not feel like you have to spend the 30 minutes on the phone being told how adored you are.

 

You might have said you know you need to concentrate on yourself, but your post clearly states you aren't. And you need to. My xMM got me to a point where I could never say how I felt, because he was "going through so much". That is ridiculous. And a sign of a very selfish person. You can't speak of your feelings because he just cant hear it???

 

Girl, you have backed your self in a corner, with a person who only see's you a couple of times a month, and when you do talk you can't talk about your feelings?? Does that really add up to a healthy loving relationship? Take the A part out of it and the fact he has a BS.... just the dynamic he has set up is all about him. Don't you think you deserve more than that???

[woinlove]

Wanabdone, thank you so much for your reply i think i have started realising that i should be worrying about myself. I am not really able to discuss my feelings as it causes him stress and he can't deal with it.

 

Woinlove, His W knows he no longer loves her he has also told her on a few occasions that once he is able to he will be getting a place of his own. He has his own business which started up last year and is not able as of yet to get his own place

 

Ladygrey JWi71 , I do believe he suffers from depression in the past his mood was up and down a lot and he is finally seeing someone next week. As for the depression its self could it be because of the A i have said to him i feel what we are doing is making him worse but he is sure it is not us and he struggles with life everyday even before me but it gets worse. I don't know sigh.

I know that in order for us to last he will need to get a place he knows this but is not able to yet and maybe he has just threw it to the back of his mind because hes not able to yet. I just find myself needing reassuring though because its not mentiioned no more.

 

From what you write, it sounds like he says he is waiting for better finances in order to move out, is that correct? His depression may also affect how well his business does, if he has to play an active role in it. Could be a situation spiralling to nowhere in that case.

 

Personally, I think life is too short to be waiting on a MM after 2 years and if he is not honest and open with his W or others about his relationship with you, that kind of secrecy and separateness from his other life can wear you down too. You may want to think hard about whether you want some changes, how long you feel you can wait for those changes and still be happy, and whether you want to end things if you don't get those changes in the timeframe you need.

[jwi71]

His W knows he no longer loves her he has also told her on a few occasions that once he is able to he will be getting a place of his own. He has his own business which started up last year and is not able as of yet to get his own place

 

Why does owning his own business preclude him from having his own place?

 

JWi71 , I do believe he suffers from depression in the past his mood was up and down a lot and he is finally seeing someone next week. As for the depression its self could it be because of the A i have said to him i feel what we are doing is making him worse but he is sure it is not us and he struggles with life everyday even before me but it gets worse. I don't know sigh.

 

Chronic depression can be nasty.

If his depression is causing you issues NOW you may wish to alter your future plans with him until he can manage it better.

 

I just find myself needing reassuring though because its not mentiioned no more.

 

This is, at it's core, an issue of trust. More precisely, it is a lack of trust in him.

Why?

I would suggest coupled therapy for you and him to help rebuild trust. Is that an option?

 

Being the OW does bother me a lot i know nothing is going on though they dont share a bed his W knows theres nothing there aswell

 

How do you know this?

[LoveTKO]

Okay, so to sum it all up:

 

1) You're the OW in an affair

2) You're emotionally attached to him but he's acting distant

3) It's a long distance relationship/affair

4) He suffer from chronic, or a clinical type of depression

5) You're feeling lost and confused because of the relationship but you've been in it for two years.

 

I don't see the upside to this deal for you, especially if you consider the fact that people are usually engaged in a pattern of behavior because they're getting something out of it. If you're going to have an affair with a married person you want to at least have great time when you're together, right? You're writhing in agony over the fact that he lives so far away, but when you are together its not a pleasant experience. So what is the net benefit of this affair?

[LoveTKO]

ONE of the multiple issues with A's is you constantly need reassurance.

 

You might have said you know you need to concentrate on yourself, but your post clearly states you aren't. And you need to. My xMM got me to a point where I could never say how I felt, because he was "going through so much". That is ridiculous. And a sign of a very selfish person. You can't speak of your feelings because he just cant hear it???

 

 

 

This so spot on true!!! God forbid if you have a bad day and want to express yourself, because the WS will view you as another form of "gravity", or stress. It reminds them of their spouse, kids, job, or anything else that makes them have to bite the bullet and man up (or woman up) and deal with it.

 

WS' seek out affair partners as means of dealing with stress or boredom, so they expect you to be there when they want, on their terms, and there's no room for compromise.

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

Wannabdone, I understand what you are saying, i guess because of his depression I am giving him more of a chance if that makes sense. If he didn't have the depression and this is the way i was treated i would have been gone. The times we have had together have always been brilliant we are so well connected on many levels and its not about sex because its not a priority.

 

Woinlove, Thats right financially he is not able to afford a place of his own yet, his business is growing. I understand what you are saying about the secrecy it does get to me, the distance is hard but not so much.

 

jwi71, Financially he is not able to afford a place just yet, He is seeing a dr next week about depression hopefully they can help him out. I trust him 100% where his W is concerned we are in contact far to much for him to be doing anything with her, he even cancelled a trip away that she booked to his favourite football teams ground with his W because he didn't want to go with her and because i didn't agree with it but the weekend after then came to stay with me for a number of days.

I think maybe i doubt that he will move even though he has said he will and has told her maybe its me i just worry he wont. As for knowing he doesnt share a bed we spend a lot of the night texting or talking online he sleeps on the sofa i just know he doesnt.

 

LoveTKO, Dont get me wrong when we are together and he is down we still have a great time we go out for meals we have drinks together hes maybe a bit quieter but the weekend just gone we met for example for 5 days we had an amazing time went for long drives up mountains out for meals watched films together

 

I guess the times we share together which are amazing i keep in mind and in a way try to shut everything else out because i know the way he can be with me but being human i cannot shut everything out for to long and i feel i drive myself mad sometimes

[jwi71]

Wannabdone, I understand what you are saying, i guess because of his depression I am giving him more of a chance if that makes sense. If he didn't have the depression and this is the way i was treated i would have been gone. The times we have had together have always been brilliant we are so well connected on many levels and its not about sex because its not a priority.

 

His W might be thinking the very same thing....using his depression as an excuse for his behavior...something to consider.

 

Woinlove, Thats right financially he is not able to afford a place of his own yet, his business is growing. I understand what you are saying about the secrecy it does get to me, the distance is hard but not so much.

 

Why are you a secret?

If he is done with his W and M and, per you, the W knows its over and done with...what's the point of being a secret?

 

jwi71, Financially he is not able to afford a place just yet

 

OK. So when does his projected cash flows predict he can move out?

This year? Next? Three years from now? I promise he has forecasted cash flows, his bank certainly requires them, when does HE project he will have enough cash to move out?

 

He is seeing a dr next week about depression hopefully they can help him out

 

Its a good start to a long road.

 

. I trust him 100% where his W is concerned we are in contact far to much for him to be doing anything with her, he even cancelled a trip away that she booked to his favourite football teams ground with his W because he didn't want to go with her and because i didn't agree with it but the weekend after then came to stay with me for a number of days.

 

This is a massive mistake. Never 100% trust someone who has proven to so demonstrably betray another. I'm not saying do NOT trust him...I'm saying that we humans need to carefully pick whom we place 100% trust in. Im not sure his behavior is one worthy of that.

 

A few other things strike me as odd:

 

For one, why would the W even bother with whom he is in contact with if the M is dead? I mean, he told you that right? Its a dead M. So why would the W, in a dead lifeless M, CARE? Furthermore...why would the W in a dead loveless M even bother to buy him tickets to his favorite sporting team? That seems like odd behavior for her. Can you speak to that?

 

It could just as easily be him telling her "Im on the phone with business all the time" and perhaps he had to cancel the trip "for business".

 

I think maybe i doubt that he will move even though he has said he will and has told her maybe its me i just worry he wont.

 

Why wouldn't he move? He doesn't love her. He told her and she knows the M is dead and done.

Why in the world would he STAY? Why wouldn't he leave?

 

As for knowing he doesnt share a bed we spend a lot of the night texting or talking online he sleeps on the sofa i just know he doesnt

.

 

Just be aware that things are perhaps not as they seem.

You seem to think that all this contact must "mean she has to know". Im not so sure. He also has reasonable excuses to his W.

 

Has he filed for D yet?

 

I guess the times we share together which are amazing i keep in mind and in a way try to shut everything else out because i know the way he can be with me but being human i cannot shut everything out for to long and i feel i drive myself mad sometimes

 

Why do you feel the need to shut "everything" else out?

What is this "Everything" anyway?

If you trust his word that he is no longer "sleeping in the marital bed"...why do you not trust he will leave?

[nofool4u]

I am so lost and confused this is so hard for me dealing with being the OW, LDR and his depression i just don't know what to do any more. Is anyone able to offer me some advice please or any of their own stories.

Please if you are going to be nasty to me save it for another time at this time right now i need support thank you

 

Sounds to me like a guy that simply is bored with having sex with the same woman(his wife) for too long and likes the excitement, and ego boost, of having sex with a different woman. Now that you have been together for so long, you are no longer a different woman. Just the same-old-same-old like his wife.

 

This is the illusion that I think most OM/OW get themselves into thinking that they are something special, when they are simply just something new.

 

I'd say the newness is now worn off for him and the effort just isn't worth it to him anymore.

 

So advice? You should move on and next time stay away from men who are married or committed. Why would you want a cheating jackass anyway?

[woinlove]

I guess the times we share together which are amazing i keep in mind and in a way try to shut everything else out because i know the way he can be with me but being human i cannot shut everything out for to long and i feel i drive myself mad sometimes

 

It doesn't have to be this difficult.

 

If you read a lot on LS, you will see so many in affairs describe the same amazing connection you talk about, and for a while that makes up for all the negative stuff associated with being with, in your case, a depressed MM who you only see a couple times a month. Why are amazing connections so common in affairs? I think it is partly human nature, easier to really want something you can't have, most people have a competitive side, if you don't think too deeply it seems kind of special that a MM/MW takes risks to be with you, having a secret club of two makes a kind of dreamy cocoon, your A can focus on emotional needs being met and not sharing your whole life. And I think it is partly due to who gets involved in affairs, often people who need someone else to be happy and fulfilled so they aren't going to be that happy on their own without doing some soul-searching.

 

Probably none of this means much until you are well on the other side of the affair. You feel this amazing connection and you are excusing or suppressing the negatives. At some point, you may decide the negatives are too negative. I suspect you will be much happier once you decide not to put up with the negatives, but you'll likely go through even more pain getting there.

 

What do you think you want right now? Encouragement to stick with it and not think too much about the negatives? Encouragement to expect more joy and happiness and not put up with the negatives of an A? Support to stick it out or to break free or just a place to vent while you stay in limbo for a while longer? What do you think?

[LoveTKO]

I don't know ConfusedBlueeyes - if you decide to become involved with married person make sure that it's only about sex and passion, and no emotional or commitment expectations. You need to understand the rules of the game when you're an OW or OM.

 

1) The wayward spouse a selfish individual.

 

2) they can't handle stress very well.

 

3) they'll lie to you about how bad things are with their spouse.

 

4) and they just want to use you as a coping mechanism/distraction to make their mundane life more tolerable.

 

***start pulling back a bit and make yourself more of a challenge and they'll come running after you like crazy. It's actually very amusing when you get into their mind.

[wannabdone]

His W might be thinking the very same thing....using his depression as an excuse for his behavior...something to consider.

 

 

 

Why are you a secret?

If he is done with his W and M and, per you, the W knows its over and done with...what's the point of being a secret?

 

 

 

OK. So when does his projected cash flows predict he can move out?

This year? Next? Three years from now? I promise he has forecasted cash flows, his bank certainly requires them, when does HE project he will have enough cash to move out?

 

 

 

Its a good start to a long road.

 

 

 

This is a massive mistake. Never 100% trust someone who has proven to so demonstrably betray another. I'm not saying do NOT trust him...I'm saying that we humans need to carefully pick whom we place 100% trust in. Im not sure his behavior is one worthy of that.

 

A few other things strike me as odd:

 

For one, why would the W even bother with whom he is in contact with if the M is dead? I mean, he told you that right? Its a dead M. So why would the W, in a dead lifeless M, CARE? Furthermore...why would the W in a dead loveless M even bother to buy him tickets to his favorite sporting team? That seems like odd behavior for her. Can you speak to that?

 

It could just as easily be him telling her "Im on the phone with business all the time" and perhaps he had to cancel the trip "for business".

 

 

 

Why wouldn't he move? He doesn't love her. He told her and she knows the M is dead and done.

Why in the world would he STAY? Why wouldn't he leave?

 

.

 

Just be aware that things are perhaps not as they seem.

You seem to think that all this contact must "mean she has to know". Im not so sure. He also has reasonable excuses to his W.

 

Has he filed for D yet?

 

 

 

Why do you feel the need to shut "everything" else out?

What is this "Everything" anyway?

If you trust his word that he is no longer "sleeping in the marital bed"...why do you not trust he will leave?

 

 

The bolded is exactly why I was telling the poster earlier that I feel a d day coming. If the OW is sensing something, you can damn well bet the farm that his W who lives with him daily is as well.

I'm telling you the sheet is about to hit the fan!

[wannabdone]

Sounds to me like a guy that simply is bored with having sex with the same woman(his wife) for too long and likes the excitement, and ego boost, of having sex with a different woman. Now that you have been together for so long, you are no longer a different woman. Just the same-old-same-old like his wife.

 

This is the illusion that I think most OM/OW get themselves into thinking that they are something special, when they are simply just something new.

 

I'd say the newness is now worn off for him and the effort just isn't worth it to him anymore.

 

So advice? You should move on and next time stay away from men who are married or committed. Why would you want a cheating jackass anyway?

 

 

Remember, because OW/OM convince themselves often that "they aren't a cheating jackass, or a bad guy, just a good guy in a bad situation"....

 

This is NC is KEY! It gives you the opportunity to take a step back and see what things really are. It is so true that sometimes you can not see the forest for the trees.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Hi all i am new to this site so please be nice

I don't really want to go to much into detail but i am the OW i have been with MM for 2 years and it is a LDR also to top things of he has cronic depression we see each other once twice a month we are on the phone everyday and we are never out of contact, we have always had this amazing bond he drives 200 miles which he hates or we meet half way, not through work but his choice. We laugh, we talk iv never been so close to someone. The problem is his depression is getting worse, maybe one week out of a month he is ok it never ever use to be like this at all . The last 3 times we have been together he has been down, when he is with me and down i can cope but the minute he goes back home he is distant unloving and i get the general feeling of he can't be bothered with me. He asks me to just support him but i am getting down to in the process. He use to call me beautiful and nice things, that no longer happens i will get i love you too if i say it first and i don't seem to hear much from him now unless i contact him first even then it seems like an effort to reply. I find my self asking if he is not as into me because everything use to be so perfect he will usually say we are fine im just down.

I messaged him today and said can you be honest and tell me you are as into this relationship as you use to be can you put your hand on your heart and say im really what you want. His reply was. I don't know the answer, sometimes i think yes other times i'm not sure. He said he puts it down to his depression getting worse.

 

I am so lost and confused this is so hard for me dealing with being the OW, LDR and his depression i just don't know what to do any more. Is anyone able to offer me some advice please or any of their own stories.

Please if you are going to be nasty to me save it for another time at this time right now i need support thank you

 

Hi;

 

My stbxh has chronic, major depression. Please know that this is a serious and unpleasant illness to live with as a partner. As they sink further and further down, they become more and more self-focused, thinking patterns get ingrained, catastrophic and personality changes ensue. They can also become self-destructive. If he does get treated for it with medication, this can help but can also alter him in other ways while the doctors figure out which drugs work for him and what dosages. Sometimes the drugs don't work.

 

When I read your posts, I'm unconvinced that your MM suffers from depression. He has a lot of issues and certainly could use some IC, but combine this with all the other things you've said - LDR, your unhappiness, lack of certainty.. As other posters have said, it's time to think about what YOU want from a relationship, and whether you're likely to get it with this MM. And that's assuming he follows through on anything he has told you. In any event, you should not live your life, wasting more of your time waiting for him to do something. THis is something else that depressed people have a lot of difficulty with - making changes. I'm sorry, but I don't think you will get what you need, or want from him. Start thinking about, reading about NC.

[wannabdone]

Wannabdone, I understand what you are saying, i guess because of his depression I am giving him more of a chance if that makes sense. If he didn't have the depression and this is the way i was treated i would have been gone. The times we have had together have always been brilliant we are so well connected on many levels and its not about sex because its not a priority.

 

Woinlove, Thats right financially he is not able to afford a place of his own yet, his business is growing. I understand what you are saying about the secrecy it does get to me, the distance is hard but not so much.

 

jwi71, Financially he is not able to afford a place just yet, He is seeing a dr next week about depression hopefully they can help him out. I trust him 100% where his W is concerned we are in contact far to much for him to be doing anything with her, he even cancelled a trip away that she booked to his favourite football teams ground with his W because he didn't want to go with her and because i didn't agree with it but the weekend after then came to stay with me for a number of days.

I think maybe i doubt that he will move even though he has said he will and has told her maybe its me i just worry he wont. As for knowing he doesnt share a bed we spend a lot of the night texting or talking online he sleeps on the sofa i just know he doesnt.

 

LoveTKO, Dont get me wrong when we are together and he is down we still have a great time we go out for meals we have drinks together hes maybe a bit quieter but the weekend just gone we met for example for 5 days we had an amazing time went for long drives up mountains out for meals watched films together

 

I guess the times we share together which are amazing i keep in mind and in a way try to shut everything else out because i know the way he can be with me but being human i cannot shut everything out for to long and i feel i drive myself mad sometimes

 

 

I absolutely do understand what you are saying. I have been there. EXACTLY were you are. Here is what will probably happen... his wife will pick up on something, she will dig into things, boom...d day. He will tell her he is depressed and that is why he did this.

 

I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just trying to show you that no matter the reasons, there is never reasons to hurt someone when you love them. Hell, your depressed you have been waiting for a man for 2 years, do you treat him like this??? NO! Why? Because you love him.

 

I would suggest NC. But, I know you are not at that point right now to do that. So, at least brace yourself. I think your bumpy ride is about to get bumpier.

[Spark1111]

You are a diversion darling, from him doing the work he is refusing to do on his depression.

 

There is "affair in lieu of counseling" where someone desperately needs treatment but finds the endorphins released while with you a temporary fix to a problem that will not go away.

 

You AND his wife did not cause it, can't cure it, and can't make him whole. Only he can do that with work, counseling and maybe drugs.

 

If he is growing distant from you, than he is becoming immune to the endorphins your affair released. You simply aren't enough of a "feel good" anymore. When he leaves you, he spirals into a deeper depression.

 

Get out, get away, go NC and perhaps it will force him to seek the treatment he truly needs. Or not.

 

But this is not a person to have a relationship with until he fixes his own problems.

 

You can't save him from himself.

[wannabdone]

This reminds me of a story in the bible were two women claimed that the baby was both theres, so they decided to cut the baby in half, until one woman spoke up and said please don't, she can have him. And that was when they knew who the mother was.

 

Love isn't always about getting what you want. Love is truly unselfish. And if you love this man, and there is a dynmanic of your relationship that is hurting him, than maybe you should do the true love and let him go.

[whichwayisup]

. If he didn't have the depression and this is the way i was treated i would have been gone

 

Dealing with a depressed spouse is hard enough when you're married to them, obligated to them and it takes a person with A LOT of strength to go through the ups and downs that the depression monster can bring out. It's a forever thing. Fact that he's quit his meds and quit counselling just shows how off he is right now..Probably has been for longer than you know.

 

You are the OW and it's long distance. You are with him by choice, you can walk away at ANY time and owe him nothing. You're not obligated to him, you can't make important decisions about his health (hospital) or be included in family issues, finances, etc..etc.. You only know what HE is telling you about his marriage, his wife and their issues. Most cheating spouses totally exaggerate home life to suit them best, puts the spin on it so they are the innocents ones and it's the spouse at home (betrayed spouse) who is at fault and is to blame for all the problems.

 

You can't verify what he's told you unless you've spoken to his wife, been a fly on the wall in their house.

 

Just because he has depression doesn't give him the right to treat you like crap. If you are unhappy with how things are, feel he's being wishy washy with you and not honest about stuff, then walk away.. Nobody is holding a gun to your head to stay in the affair and take this crap.

 

Chances of him leaving, especially since he is depressed (I'm sure his wife looks after him when things are bad and he can't cope with life) and not thinking of anybody but himself (more so than the average MM), get used to him not 'being' there for you. It's ALL about him.>Depression or not.

[MissBee]

Was he depressed when you met him? It seems like he was already depressed and for me personally, if a depressed married man tries to have a relationship with me, I'd be even more concerned that his feelings are not really genuine but our relationship is merely a symptom of his larger issues.

 

His issues are bigger than your relationship....and it seems they probably contribute to why he's in an A in the first place. I know you care about him and it is difficult to detach, but that's all too much. A married man who is not depressed isn't such a great prospect further a married and depressed guy.

 

I don't think you should continue giving him a "chance" because of his depression, esp if he was depressed when you met. You can't fix it and probably your relationship makes it worse if he is conflicted. I think he has been using you as an escape from his REAL problems sadly, but usually at some point it gets old...I think it has gotten old for him and he realizes that having an A is not helping him at all, so he is pulling away. He may not have sat down and maliciously planned to hurt you...but just like when people are in emotional pain and have rebound relationships, ALL they care about is getting their emotional wounds licked and bandaged and they often feel like they care about this rebound so much more than they actually do. Then as time goes by they realize they don't love this person at all. I think it may be a similar thing, where you being in his life helped temporarily and now he is "sobering" up and realizing he doesn't love you at all and he may not know how to break it off respectfully....

 

Give him space and time to do what he needs to do for himself as you do what you need to do for you.