Need some advice

[Artie Lang]

are you a single OW?

[GettingOver]

Dear ConfusedBlueeyes,

I used to be the OW in LDR with a MM I was head over heels in love (from first sight), not just LDR, but international LDR. I have my thread here as well, you can read it if you are interested - "Another sad story" it is called. I got a lot of useful comments.

I did trust my MM 100% as you did (especially that he always said that he's honest and a "nice guy"). I thought ok, why would a man fly to another country each month just for sex/ego stroke, etc?...

To make the story short. He told me he was separated. In fact - he would always find an excuse for chatting with webcam, I have been 2 times in his country and NEVER at a place he said he rented.

I was a secreat also, thought he said his marriage was dead for 100% (last 10 years) and he only stayed married for financial reasons (he has 2 kids and would have to pay significant child support BUT he made enough money actually).

We had that "amazing connection", I would sell my soul to devil for him, he'd say he loved me, I was his princess, sunshine of his life, I and only I kept him going through his "problematic" life. Though lately he would only say the ILY words only when I said it...

Anyway. It lasted a year. Until I cornered him. I said I cannot take it any longer with LDR and bein in limbo. And I found a way to legally move to his country which would cost him less than monthly visiting me during the year.

Guess what happened - in 2 weeks his world "collapsed", "turned upside down" the way he absolutely couldn't have me in his life (read my thread for details if you are curious what exactly happened).

You mentioned that your man needs time to sort out his finances and get a place to live. Why should you wait for it? Try to suggest that you are moving to his area and see the reaction. My case was more complicated because to move I would need my MM to support me financially first time (I don't speak the language of his country). But if you speak the same language you don't have to be dependant on him financially. Try to say smth like: "Honey, I cannot take it any longet to see your depression and not be able to support and hug you on a daily basis. I can understand you cannot get a divorce right now (as I told my MM) but I can move to your area and we can live together".

It is extremily painful to be the OW especially when you realize you were not THAT special at all... I was in this relationship for a year and it's been 3 months since it's over. Still hurts, sometimes REALLY A LOT.

I have to admit that it might be CONVENIENT for a man to have a mistress in "far away". He can keep living 2 lives without less risk to be uncovered. But when you corner him he will most likely choose his comfortable old life, especially if there are kids, common property involved.

I would also recommend you to read the first post here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/322382-another-sad-story-2.html and also [COLOR=#990000]Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist | Baggage Reclaim[/COLOR].

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, but there are a couple of things that most affairs have in common...

 

there is an underlying current of deceit, and , if I were you, I'd really think long and hard about the things he is telling you about his life and see if they add up.

The fact that he spends a lot of time each evening chatting online or texting you really doesn't mean he's sleeping on the couch. maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Maybe he just tells his wife that he's up late working on the new business, and she loves him and so she believes him. He may stay up late contacting you, then go back to bed with her. ( tis is actually a common story with wayward spouses)...

 

there are other things that you write about ( like the fact that she bought him tickets to his favorite team's event...does that sound like something someone who didn't care would do?)...

 

If it is true that he's being dishonest with you about his marriage, does that change anything for you? If I were in your position, I'd really start to wonder about the things he says, as if he lies to his wife, he can lie to you, and you don't deserve that.

 

Also, about his depression...if he truly does have depression, the added stress of being in an affair is most like exacerbating it. chronic depression can be a nasty thing...horrible for the person who has it, and horrible for those who love them...if it truly is chronic depression, he may be able to treat it, but it may also be something that will always be there...do you feel that you can deal with that?

 

To sum it up...if i were you, I'd start thinking more about myself and really start questioning the things he tells me...if something doesn't make sense, it's probably not true... how long are you willing to wait for this guy to get his life sorted out so that he can be with you full time, the way you deserve...also, is this relationship what's best for him right now?

 

 

most of all...are you happy in your life with him? is he relationship, as it stands now, enough for you, or do you want more?

[Radagast]

ConfusedBlueEyes, a number of things in your story remind me of my own. I too experienced reactive depression and was struggling with a bad marriage when I involved myself in a long-distance affair, with the woman who is now my wife. My depression was both helped and hindered by the affair. At the time I found myself feeling alive when with my lover but very stunted and emotionally dead when we were apart. But I was conflicted about being in a affair and that in turn led to me feeling worse at other times. The support my (now)wife provided to me throughout that period was very important, but had it stopped at that we could quite possibly still be in that situation today. When one is depressed movement and change consume you - you know you have to do it but you feel paralysed and unable to take the first step.

 

I was lucky that my (now) wife was also very focused on her own life and her own needs and communicated very clearly to me that while she loved me she was not going to allow my needs to push hers aside. She insisted that I be a partner to her and not a passenger in the relationship. We both had things we needed to do and she set about hers having made it clear to me that if I did not set about mine she would forge ahead without me.

 

One of the things I needed to do was to deal with my depression. Once I had found a good counsellor I found it easier to tackle the other issues, like my marriage. Once I started moving things fell into place for me and things which had seemed insurmountable at first were resolved. But when you are depressed none of this actually seems possible.

 

You ask for advice and I can only speak from my own experience of a similar situation, but I would suggest that you need to restore some balance to your relationship. You are not your lover's saviour or his nurse. You are his lover and you expect him to be a lover and a partner to you, not a patient. You need to respect him and not simply feel sorry for him. He needs to know that and to know he can do something about it. Seeing someone for his depression is an important first step, but you and he both need to sit down with a plan for what you both need to be doing over this time. Your plan for you, his plan for him. Love him and support him by all means but do not carry him and do not carry the relationship. Let him take charge of his live while you set about doing what you need to do to make sure your own needs are being met until you are both in a position to take your relationship forward to the next level, as equals.

 

It is possible. I am happier now than I have ever been and my depression is a distant memory and a cogent reminder of how bad things can get when we lose our sense of responsibility towards ourselves. Hang on to yours, and help him to find his. I hope things work out for the best for you both.

[spice4life]

ConfusedBlueEyes, a number of things in your story remind me of my own. I too experienced reactive depression and was struggling with a bad marriage when I involved myself in a long-distance affair, with the woman who is now my wife. My depression was both helped and hindered by the affair. At the time I found myself feeling alive when with my lover but very stunted and emotionally dead when we were apart. But I was conflicted about being in a affair and that in turn led to me feeling worse at other times. The support my (now)wife provided to me throughout that period was very important, but had it stopped at that we could quite possibly still be in that situation today. When one is depressed movement and change consume you - you know you have to do it but you feel paralysed and unable to take the first step.

 

I was lucky that my (now) wife was also very focused on her own life and her own needs and communicated very clearly to me that while she loved me she was not going to allow my needs to push hers aside. She insisted that I be a partner to her and not a passenger in the relationship. We both had things we needed to do and she set about hers having made it clear to me that if I did not set about mine she would forge ahead without me.

 

One of the things I needed to do was to deal with my depression. Once I had found a good counsellor I found it easier to tackle the other issues, like my marriage. Once I started moving things fell into place for me and things which had seemed insurmountable at first were resolved. But when you are depressed none of this actually seems possible.

 

You ask for advice and I can only speak from my own experience of a similar situation, but I would suggest that you need to restore some balance to your relationship. You are not your lover's saviour or his nurse. You are his lover and you expect him to be a lover and a partner to you, not a patient. You need to respect him and not simply feel sorry for him. He needs to know that and to know he can do something about it. Seeing someone for his depression is an important first step, but you and he both need to sit down with a plan for what you both need to be doing over this time. Your plan for you, his plan for him. Love him and support him by all means but do not carry him and do not carry the relationship. Let him take charge of his live while you set about doing what you need to do to make sure your own needs are being met until you are both in a position to take your relationship forward to the next level, as equals.

 

It is possible. I am happier now than I have ever been and my depression is a distant memory and a cogent reminder of how bad things can get when we lose our sense of responsibility towards ourselves. Hang on to yours, and help him to find his. I hope things work out for the best for you both.

 

Excellent post Radagast! You are spot on in saying she needs to focus on her needs and forge forward. She can still love and support him, but she needs to do so in healthy way by setting her own personal boundaries, otherwise she is enabling him.

 

While my affair did not turn into a "real" relationship, when I started to focus on my life and goals, the depression began to dissipate and I began to move forward in a good way. I realized that I had no control over his life (that's his responsibility), but I do have control over mine. I can only control the "here and now" by making choices that are healthy for me and allowing him to make the choices that are right for him. Loving someone means you need to "let go" and let them choose for themselves. It is afterall, their journey. Focus on your own and the rest falls into place, whatever that may be.

[GettingOver]

Wonderful post, Radagast!

The key point here is that a lot of women loose themselves in relationship (not only with married men) and start living their lives, worry for them, try to solve their problems. My man was EVERYTHING for me, that's why when it ended my life was like over (still feels like that:().

ConfusedBlueEyes, nobody can tell what's on your man's mind for sure. But what is true is that he needs to understand that you also have your life, your goals and needs. If he loves you he will solve all of his problems and be with you - we have a live example.

I had one session with a therapist. He said that it should be 50/50 investment in relationships. If you give 80 and В get 20 back - you are unhappy. If you give 60-70 and let the partner invest less the partner is likely to reduce it to zero in time and loose respect to you.

2 years is along term. Radagast, how long did it take you to make a decision and sort our your life?

Edited April 20, 2012 by GettingOver

[GettingOver]

I am just starting to wonder if it is the depression causing him to be like this to me or it is in fact he's not as into me. He no longer talks about our future and if i ask he just says yes and then its subject change.

Maybe this is due to depression but I have to say that the last time my MM visited me he would also say smth like "we will work it out, I will think about it" and change the subject. Generally it is a bad sign. But maybe it is due to depression.

[ConfusedBlueeyes]

Wow thank you all for your replies i am very grateful that you all took some time to respond to my post with your own experiences and opinions and thoughts on my situation.

 

I have read through every single one of your posts thank you as you can imagine replying individually would take me forever.

I am a single OW and i have no worries about finding someone else i get plenty of attention but i can't see myself with anyone only him.

He has suggested in the past that i move to him and occasionally says if i lived nearer things would be easier, he could move in with me. I have said i will not move there while he is still living at home and risking everything here on a hope he will move out he knows this to i need more commitment that end before i make such a big decision.

His depression i guess is worse this time of year as it was his brothers birthday yesterday and is around the time his brother took his life.

 

I have had a little talk with him and we have both agreed that when we meet in a few weeks time we will sit down and have a honest talk about everything and see what happens from there, by then he will have been drs for his depression to make or break time i guess.

[fallen16]

Are they really all the same? Heres a thought. My situation is similar but has been going on for 4 years. My MM has been ill recently to the point of hospitalization. He claims its because of the guilt and stress he feels because he cannot be with me. I have been trying on and off for over a year to end it. He always draws me back in partly do the fact that he claims being without me causes all this hurt and pain. then he talks about his failing health. He even talks about not needing to take his meds if I leave him. I always end up feeling so bad and then I just try to keep things pleasant so he doesn't stress out! My head often wonders if its a rouse to keep me tied to him. But, he was truly hospitalized for two weeks!

I say get out while you can. The pain after you become attached is too great to risk. Its easy to say that you should move on, hard to do. I still havent been able to although i keep hoping everyday I find the strength to finally do it. we all like to think the men we are with are being honest and that we truly mean something, but I am not sure we can believe very much of what they say, including about their health. If he truly is depressed, a double life is only going to make it worse. But isn't it funny, his misery keeps you hanging on.....trust me...I am doing the same.

[LoveTKO]

Are they really all the same? Heres a thought. My situation is similar but has been going on for 4 years. My MM has been ill recently to the point of hospitalization. He claims its because of the guilt and stress he feels because he cannot be with me. I have been trying on and off for over a year to end it. He always draws me back in partly do the fact that he claims being without me causes all this hurt and pain. then he talks about his failing health. He even talks about not needing to take his meds if I leave him. I always end up feeling so bad and then I just try to keep things pleasant so he doesn't stress out! My head often wonders if its a rouse to keep me tied to him. But, he was truly hospitalized for two weeks!

I say get out while you can. The pain after you become attached is too great to risk. Its easy to say that you should move on, hard to do. I still havent been able to although i keep hoping everyday I find the strength to finally do it. we all like to think the men we are with are being honest and that we truly mean something, but I am not sure we can believe very much of what they say, including about their health. If he truly is depressed, a double life is only going to make it worse. But isn't it funny, his misery keeps you hanging on.....trust me...I am doing the same.

 

 

It's called manipulation. People who manipulate use either fear, obligation, or guilt. At the same time, you're suffering from a chronic case of "excusitis" by finding excuses (his health) to stay with this guy. Those two character traits go together like corn flakes and milk!