I need a miracle!

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear All

 

I have been searching for a suitable match (for marriage) since the past 7 years (I'm 27 now) and have been quite unlucky so far. I come from a rather religious-minded and conservative background so you will have to understand that we do things a bit differently and don't follow the liberal lifestyle.

 

Anyway, there was one family friend's son who I wanted to marry since we had known the family for more than 15 years and had done a lot for them. They however betrayed us eventually. Even though I didn't love the man, I respected and admired the family whole-heartedly so I was very disheartened after that betrayal. I then considered a number of other men for marriage but due to their personality differences and family situations I found them unsuitable for me.

 

I work in a school so most of my colleagues are women. Most of the people in my cirlce are females. I have tried the internet, newspapers and marriage bureaus but without any luck! I cannot seem to find the right person with the same intellectual compatibility. I'm lonely and feel utterly disappointed because I've always been at the giving end and despite that, I'm not yet settled. My mum and I have told many people (both relatives and friends) to keep an eye for me - but no one seems to help us.

 

I really don't understand what to do. People say it will happen when the time is right - but where I come from 27 isn't particularly young and in another couple of years I'll be 30 so I'm kind of panicking. I see my cousins and friends and acquiantances getting married one by one, so I feel left out. We don't follow the boyfriend/girlfriend culture so going clubbing or dating isn't an option.

 

Any suggestions as to what should I try next?

 

Thanks and regards,

ReneeMalcolm

[callmegee]

Pray, Renee. I believe God still answers prayers and works miracles today. What seems impossible for us, it's possible for Him.

 

I feel the same way sometimes, looking around and seeing the lack of potential men, feeling lonely, but then I say to myself, hey.... when I finally meet my man, he may not be perfect but he'll be close to all I asked for in my prayers.

 

Love will find you somehow. It'll come.... Get ready!

[stillafool]

What about frequenting different churches within your community to meet someone. Some of the larger chuches have 'singles night' or something similar.

[RiverRunning]

What about frequenting different churches within your community to meet someone. Some of the larger chuches have 'singles night' or something similar.

 

This is a great idea. Or even just Christian courtship sites?

[KathyM]

This is a great idea. Or even just Christian courtship sites?

This is a good idea. I know a woman who found her husband from Christian dating websites. Also, getting involved in activities with your church and other religious organizations would be a good plan. Volunteering for organizations or worthwhile causes puts you into contact with a variety of people. And definately pray. It helps. I prayed for God to provide a good bf for me after a few others previously were unsuccessful, and He did provide. We've been married for many years. My sister prayed to find the right person she could marry after a series of unsuccessful relationships. She is now happily married to a guy who I have no doubt in my mind will be a lifelong companion. Gotta get serious and cover all your bases at this point--internet dating (preferably from Christian dating websites), church and religious events, get involved in activities and volunteer groups, put the word out to friends, relatives and co-workers that you are hoping to find a nice guy to date, and put yourself out there, in public, so you will be among people that could be potential dates. I know a woman who, after her divorce, seldom left her apartment, and isolated herself; therefore, she never met someone else for a relationship until many years later. So get involved, be proactive, and use whatever sources there are to initiate contact. And definately pray. It does help.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear All

 

Thank you so very much for your kind responses. Really appreciate that.

 

A special thanks to Callmegee and Gofish - your advices was extremely valuable and for that I'd like to express my sincerest gratitude.

 

You are all absolutely right - I should pray. I have been praying for marriage for many years now, but I guess one should never give up and have faith in God.

 

I wish you all, all the very best!

 

Kind regards,

ReneeMalcolm

[Forever Learning]

It is my opinion that God helps those who help themselves. I like KathyM's advice to be proactive in all the avenues she suggested.

 

I do have a question though. You said you don't 'date'. Is your religion against you going to a cafe or restaurant to meet someone for a cup of coffee? That usually falls in the category of a date. You wouldn't even have to touch him in that scenario, and of course you could drive separate vehicles and return home afterwards.

 

I am just curious if your religion allows that. If is does not, has it been typical that most people in your religion/culture get married via 'arranged marriages'? It is amazing, but I have seen dating websites for just about everything under the sun. I saw one for muslim women, they were all wearing full face coverings. Each picture looked very similar, because all you could see was different types of face coverings, but not the faces. And that was a legitimate, authentic dating website to find muslim brides (there were pictures of men too, but they could show their face).

 

Wish I had more advice for you. Are you allowed to talk on the phone to eligible, suitable men? Getting to know someone is SO important, communication is fundamental to a marriage. I wish I had more advice for you, but this dilemma you are in is very unfamiliar to me. All the best to you.

Edited April 22, 2012 by Forever Learning

[spookie]

Are you living in North America or Europe? If so, you are probably shooting yourself in the foot approaching this as a "Getting Married", rather than a "Dating" issue.

 

Your problem of seeking a suitable mate is universal. The implicit requirement that he share your values (in your case, religious and/or conservative), is typical as well.

 

But I think most people in the Western world value their freedom to marry someone of their choosing, for love (amongst other reasons). Declaring yourself on a husband-hunt, and further stating that you don't even care if you love the nab, as long as he satisfies your criteria, IMO, would turn off many who could be suitable partners. It reeks of desperation, and most would believe, righty or not, that the marriage you seek, if loveless, cannot be a happy one.

 

Just my .02.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Yes of course I am allowed to meet men. I am a lawyer by profession but I teach presently. So indeed I interact with men. I wear Western clothing so I don't cover my face - I don't have any of those issues. Furthermore, I have gone out with men for coffee or even lunches and when I received the two proposals I mentioned in my initial post, I spent hours and hours having a tete-a-tete with them at home. I also go to a mixed gym. Its just that I haven't been able to find a man of my standard yet! There has to be an intellectual match, inter alia and that is difficult to find in this day and age. I can only fall in love with a man if he fits the requisite criteria. What usually happens is that I ones I like back off and the ones who like me are not appealing to me.

 

What can I say? Either I should lower my standards? Or I should keep waiting until I'm 30 and be miserable or alternatively, believe very strongly that God will show me a miracle at the end! I am a Muslim by the way however Christianity and Islam say the same thing - we are one and we believe in one God. So truly appreciate the advice given by all of you. I was indeed very happy to see that there are so many religious minded Christians in the US. Trust me that isn't the case in the UK.

 

Once again thank you all so very much! May God guide us all in the right direction and fulfil our desires and dreams. Amen x

[ReneeMalcolm]

Oh another thing: when I said I was conservative what I meant was that I didn't believe in having a physical relationship with a man prior to marriage. And I don't visit pubs or night clubs so that can be ruled out as venues for socialising.

[firehawk_1]

trust me, ive been through worse!

it is unfortunate that todays society has gone from having morals/respect to damn right rude and outradges - yes, no one really believes these days that sex before marriage is "acceptable" and it is their loss in the end of the day but this still does not make it acceptable for them. people should learn to respect your wishes and understand but in the world we live in now, sadly us decent moral people get shafted/ignored but only to feel as if we have been tourched (lack of decent people like us)

 

it is difficult i know. believe me, I know. and yes I do question humanity now (especially recent interactions with certain members on these forums and their attitude...). no one really should question humanity but its more common to do so now because of how people are - rude, unkind, uncaring and just bad.

 

i do sympathise with you. my thoughts are with you.

[jphcbpa]

take your time....a woman in her 30's is so amazing.

 

you will change so much over the next 5 years.

[RiverRunning]

 

it is unfortunate that todays society has gone from having morals/respect to damn right rude and outradges - yes, no one really believes these days that sex before marriage is "acceptable" and it is their loss in the end of the day but this still does not make it acceptable for them. people should learn to respect your wishes and understand but in the world we live in now, sadly us decent moral people get shafted/ignored but only to feel as if we have been tourched (lack of decent people like us)

 

.

 

 

I do hope you're not implying that others who choose to have sex before marriage are necessarily immoral or 'indecent.' Yes, there are people from both ends of the spectrum - those who have it before and those who don't - who flame the other side. I see no reason that this thread needs to sink into that.

 

I'm fully in favor of people choosing to have sex when they choose - including after marriage, even if I wouldn't choose it for myself. I see nothing wrong with it.

 

Renee, I know you're trained to be a lawyer - are you involved in any ongoing training or education? Do you go to mosque? If you're still in any kind of schooling, I'd take advantage of getting to know your colleagues better.

 

If you're a teacher - and perhaps if you have a feeling some of your colleagues subscribe to similar beliefs - it could be worth it to you to try and mingle. You never know if any of your colleagues have someone they could set you up with. I wouldn't be afraid of advertising to work friends that you're single.

 

Do all of your friends know that you're actively looking? Putting out as many feelers as you can among friends, family members and acquaintances who know you well can only help you out.

 

Next to that, my best advice is a Muslim dating site.

 

It may be worth it too to evaluate your standards. I have some friends who are holding out for a guy who has model good looks, a PhD, a career grossing more than $100k a year (and $200k is best!), who puts their needs first, has a sense of humor, is great with kids, will take care of her whenever she needs anything, is a handyman, will help out with the chores, errands and raising the kids, is intelligent and well-versed in current affairs in the world, is friendly, outgoing, friendly to their families and friends, and the list goes on.

 

That's all fine and dandy but more than likely, my friends will never meet a guy who meets ALL of those qualifications. I would make a list of your current dealbreakers - standards a potential mate MUST meet - and then really evaluate them. Pick the top 5 traits. Pick the 3 - 5 least important traits. You may realize that even though a great sense of humor was once a dealbreaker, a guy's friendliness and warmth more than makes up for it.

 

One way or another, you will be missing out in some way, shape or form regardless of who you pick. You'll probably always wonder about the more cleanly guy who got away despite having the funny guy, and you'll wonder about the friendly guy when you get the bookworm guy, etc. What's important is that at the end of the day you find yourself saying, "But I don't really miss it all that much."

 

Only you can figure out if your standards are too high or if you're just not networking enough. But if you ever do find yourself on the fence about a guy, I'd say you should still pursue it and see where it goes. Sometimes, folks aren't at the top of their game on first or even second meeting. I knew my ex wasn't. But despite some of the troubles we had in our relationship, he turned out to be a really great guy.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear RiverRunning

 

Thank you for your guidance. Appreciate the detailed response.

 

All my friends and colleagues do know that I'm single and I have indirectly conveyed the fact that I am searching for a potential partner to many. Honestly speaking, no one seems to help. All they say is that it is difficult finding the right family and right man nowadays given the decadence that has descended upon our society. So basically they all back off. My mum and I have also explicitly told many people including family friends, acquaintances and relatives, but again they all retreat. I don't know if that is the mentality of people in my country - the fact that they are diplomatic and cunning, but it certainly seems that way. They don't wish to get involved in this rather 'delicate' situation.

 

As for Muslim dating sites, I have tried those as well. Most of the men there are either un-academic or sly. They will flirt and send lengthy messages but when you ask them to involve their parents, again they back off. They use the site as a means for dating only, not marriage.

 

I know you were responsing to firehawk, but let me say a few things in response to your comments. In accordance with my religion, having sex before marriage is immoral. There is no doubt about that. It is explicitly written in the Quran and I'm sure that is also the same in the Bible. That is what I firmly believe in. Holding on to one's virginity is sacred and creditable. This is the guidance that God has given us and I wholeheartedly accept it. Whether you wish to disagree with it is of course your prerogative. As you've rightly pointed out though, this discussion is irrelevant to the subject-matter but even so, since you had addressed it, I thought I'd share my perspective as well. Let's just leave it at that. I know how you feel about it and you know now as to how I feel about it.

 

Once again thank you for your help. I am praying to God and have asked others to pray as well in my country for me. We are looking into other methods as well of finding a suitable match. At the end of the day, He knows best as regards our destination/s. We just need to hold on tight to our seats during the ride (so to speak).

 

Regards,

ReneeMalcolm

[RiverRunning]

Dear RiverRunning

 

 

I know you were responsing to firehawk, but let me say a few things in response to your comments. In accordance with my religion, having sex before marriage is immoral. There is no doubt about that. It is explicitly written in the Quran and I'm sure that is also the same in the Bible. That is what I firmly believe in. Holding on to one's virginity is sacred and creditable. This is the guidance that God has given us and I wholeheartedly accept it. Whether you wish to disagree with it is of course your prerogative. As you've rightly pointed out though, this discussion is irrelevant to the subject-matter but even so, since you had addressed it, I thought I'd share my perspective as well. Let's just leave it at that. I know how you feel about it and you know now as to how I feel about it.

 

 

There's no debating that point - and I made no attempt to discredit any religion's stance on sex before marriage. You're well within your rights to share that viewpoint. Best of luck, Renee.

 

I've got nothing more to add on this topic.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear RiverRunning

 

I'm sorry I wasn't arguing with you and I hope you didn't think I was being confrontational.

 

I really appreciate all the advice you provided previously. It means a lot to me to see that people are taking time out of your busy schedules to respond to my original post and provide suggestions.

 

Many thanks again x

[findingnemo]

Depending on where you live and which sect you belong to, there are different ways to approach this. The first is an arranged M between families but you said this didn't work with the one family you had decided on. What about getting your aunts and uncles in other countries to look at their family friends? Perhaps they can recommend somebody for you?

 

If you live in the US, perhaps you need to try to get a teaching job in your country of origin (or where your roots are from) and try to stay there with relatives for a few years? This way you will meet eligible bachelors in your field and could thereby expand your chances. In this case, it's not an arranged M but there is some form of vetting beforehand.

 

Then you can also find a suitable H among your distant relatives...unless it's not allowed. Can you do this?

 

Lastly, there is the possibility of finding a reputable matchmaker. These people have plenty of eligible bachelors that you can meet. Can you find a matchmaker?

[ReneeMalcolm]

Dear Findingnemo

 

Thanks for your advice. I'm not in the States - I'm back home. Yes we have contacted a match-maker i.e. marriage bureaus and gave adverts in the matrimonial sections of newspapers as well. I have met some candidates but it hasn't worked out yet. I haven't been able to find the 'right' match yet.

 

I suppose it will take time and it will happen when its destined to happen.

 

Thanks again x

[episkopos]

Dear ReneeMalcolm,

 

I believe that you will find the right person soon. The most difficult part is the waiting but it will surely come.

 

You've had a lot of good counsels from other caring members but I would also add something little that I believe will help. It is written that "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother."

 

I am not saying that you are unfriendly, far from it, I do not know you at all to come to that conclusion, but I'll encourage you to be more open to welcome different kinds of people. Although you should stick by your values and religious beliefs, you should accommodate people especially men to get to know them better. Some ladies can be snobbish when they are approached by someone 'who is not their type' at first but you'll agree with me that all that glitters is not gold and so you cannot judge a person by first appearance, though that also counts. Just be keen on getting to know the people you meet better and I'm so sure that you'll find your Mr Right was your neighbour after all.

 

Praying for you

 

Best wishes.

[Radu]

trust me, ive been through worse!

it is unfortunate that todays society has gone from having morals/respect to damn right rude and outradges - yes, no one really believes these days that sex before marriage is "acceptable" and it is their loss in the end of the day but this still does not make it acceptable for them. people should learn to respect your wishes and understand but in the world we live in now, sadly us decent moral people get shafted/ignored but only to feel as if we have been tourched (lack of decent people like us)

 

it is difficult i know. believe me, I know. and yes I do question humanity now (especially recent interactions with certain members on these forums and their attitude...). no one really should question humanity but its more common to do so now because of how people are - rude, unkind, uncaring and just bad.

 

i do sympathise with you. my thoughts are with you.

 

Wow, the hypochrisy in the bold.

You call for toleration, yet you paint yourself [and the OP by attachement] as superior ppl.

 

OP, i am kinda curious, are you a 'technical' virgin or a real virgin.

And have you ever masturbated ?

 

I don't believe that waiting for sex untill marriage is standard anymore in the western world, it's more of an anachronism, and you feel it.

The problem is that society has progressed in astronomical leaps just in the last 30-40 yrs in terms of sexuality, marriage/divorce.

Marriage has become a business in the western world, with many ppl having 4+ marriages and mixed families everywhere that end up with a mix of stepdads/moms.

Add to this the fact that many men are scared of marriage [legal reasons ... you are a lawyer so I hope you get my hint], and you also have a lot of ppl who suddenly became aware that in marriage sex counts a lot.

Sex started counting when the 1st and 2nd wave of feminism took off, no-fault divorce and all that.

 

I actually sympathise with you a lot.

I don't believe in God, and i do enjoy premarital sex but i do feel bad for the way ppl keep abusing the reset button that is divorce.

The commitement of marriage is not what it used to be, and i am scared that i will have kids who will be raised in a broken home.

 

I am rooting for you, i hope it works out.

 

LE: Wow, i read her other thread ... just plain wow ...

Edited May 22, 2012 by Radu

[CarboniteCammy]

It may be worth it too to evaluate your standards. I have some friends who are holding out for a guy who has model good looks, a PhD, a career grossing more than $100k a year (and $200k is best!), who puts their needs first, has a sense of humor, is great with kids, will take care of her whenever she needs anything, is a handyman, will help out with the chores, errands and raising the kids, is intelligent and well-versed in current affairs in the world, is friendly, outgoing, friendly to their families and friends, and the list goes on.

 

That's all fine and dandy but more than likely, my friends will never meet a guy who meets ALL of those qualifications. I would make a list of your current dealbreakers - standards a potential mate MUST meet - and then really evaluate them. Pick the top 5 traits. Pick the 3 - 5 least important traits. You may realize that even though a great sense of humor was once a dealbreaker, a guy's friendliness and warmth more than makes up for it.

 

 

I hate to hijak this thread, but I must be really, really lucky because my husband actually does match all of those traits...I think I'm going to go home and remind him how awesome he is.