Feeling trapped...

[NateC]

I've been debating on whether or not I should post this, but I figure why not...I've seen others go through the same so I feel a bit more comfortable.

 

So, up until about a year ago I was probably about they shyest guy you could ever meet. I usually kept to myself and the friends I did have were ones I could basically trust with anything. Last year I decided to finally come out of my shell...but I feel trapped in the realm of "being just friends" with girls that I meet and never finding someone who shows even remote interest.

 

This one girl I liked I knew for almost two years...and the feelings started when I was able to get to know her more. I told her how I felt and well...she just wanted to be friends because she didn't want a relationship. A week later she's with some guy she knew for less than a week. I was completely crushed but I was able to recover and still remain friends with her (and now her boyfriend which I get along with well).

 

Fast forward a couple weeks and another girl comes along...and a couple days ago I got the same response again.

 

I always get told that I'm a nice guy and all of that, but yet I never get a chance. I actually have more girl friends then guy friends, and most of them can talk to me about anything (including personal stuff). I don't understand...how am I able to get close like that and yet never see a romantic relationship form? While I really like that I'm trusted by people, it seems as though that at any moment I'll be pushed aside when I'm no longer needed (which has happened).

 

Any advice? I'm still getting over the recent rejection (see my thread in the dating section), so any words are more than welcome.

[Lovely Girl]

The problem is that you're always in the friend zone. You need to find a way to distance yourself from that. It's good to start out as friends but not to the point where the girl just views you as her brother or something. Girls like guys with a little edge, mystery. I'm not saying don't be yourself but you should probably do a little bit of tweaking. Try to be irresistible, don't give the illusion that every girl has a chance with you because that would be too easy. Let them think that you don't just date anybody; you have options. When girls call you ignore them sometimes, make them sweat, etc.

 

Please answer mine. I need a guys input:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/322348-he-asked-my-number-but-he-just-being-nice

[neowulf]

At the risk of turning this into another "Oh, Nice guys finish last" thread, it's a very common issue.

 

I think the biggest thing about being a "nice guy" is generally failing to get your needs met.

 

Think about this for a second. You're attracted to a woman. You know that. You feel it. Ok, hold that thought.

 

Now, explain to yourself why you don't just *do* something about those feelings? Flirt with her? Hit on her? Make it *clear* from the go get that you want to be "more" than friends.

 

Its not a question of being "nice", it's a question of having the courage to just go after what you want. That's what women respond too. The guy who has the guts to say "No, I don't want to *just* be your friend. I want more from you than that".

 

The biggest take away from all this is.. why do you wait so long to let these girls know how you feel? To *show* them how you feel? Why are you suppressing your own drives? I'm guessing fear. Work on getting a handle on that and the rest will follow.

[NateC]

I guess my biggest issue is that I never see a sign that they may be interested...not so much as wanting to spend more time together or any of that. I'm also not the type of guy that drops all ties if a girl doesn't show romantic interest...so that doesn't help much either.

[Lovely Girl]

There was this guy in high school, he was a complete nerd but was so cute! He reminded me a lot of Aladdin lol. But his approach to girls was waaaay off! He asked me out several times and every time I told him no. He was way too needy! He even asked me why girls don't like him and I told him because he comes off desperate. He was a good looking guy but had no game whatsoever! He was a complete doormat. Which is why I suggested playing hard to get and leaving some mystery about yourself. You can like the girl all you want but don't let her know every detail of how much, or sometimes don't let her know at all! And another thing you can't control what people think of you, so if a girl doesn't like you after awhile you should just move on. Be like "Forget that bitch"! Lol Just playing = )

[NateC]

There was this guy in high school, he was a complete nerd but was so cute! He reminded me a lot of Aladdin lol. But his approach to girls was waaaay off! He asked me out several times and every time I told him no. He was way too needy! He even asked me why girls don't like him and I told him because he comes off desperate. He was a good looking guy but had no game whatsoever! He was a complete doormat. Which is why I suggested playing hard to get and leaving some mystery about yourself. You can like the girl all you want but don't let her know every detail of how much, or sometimes don't let her know at all! And another thing you can't control what people think of you, so if a girl doesn't like you after awhile you should just move on. Be like "Forget that bitch"! Lol Just playing = )

 

Haha, always nice to see a little humor. I try to be myself and that's what I do...I don't want to put on a different face just to have someone "fall" for me.

 

I try to see it as their loss...I have *never* made off-color jokes about women and I have always been around to give advice when my friends would ask. I've even made comments about how I would do well in a counseling field and they agreed. Just have to wait I suppose...

[FitChick]

Ask your female friends to set you up with some of their friends.

[NateC]

Ask your female friends to set you up with some of their friends.

 

Well, doesn't help a lot of those friends are mutual friends as well. College campus tends to do that...

 

Maybe my luck will change once I go back home and start working. Different environment and all that.

[ReneeMalcolm]

Hi there

 

The next time you start developing romantic feelings for a girl don't wait until she gives you a sign. You know sometimes love isn't mutual initially. People grow to love one another. Give her roses or a cd with your favourite romantic songs. Arrange a candle-lit dinner and if you can, write some poetry for her. Do something special for her and make her feel special. She'll soon realise how unique you are and trust me she will then fall for you. And honestly speaking if someone doesn't reciprocate then just back off rather subtley. If someone cannot see the goodness and sincerity within you, they clearly aren't worth all the endeavour. But anyway, I'm sure you'll find your dream girl soon.

 

Good luck

[white]

A few things to consider:

 

1) Women are much much better than men at keeping a lid on their feelings, I have known women who've behaved in a stupidly icy fashion toward a guy they like because they think it's hard to get or just good old fashioned fear of rejection and then 5 years later wonder why that guy didn't respond to them - this can always be the case with a girl you meet, by not making a move yourself you may be letting you both down and you simply aren't going to know it until you try with some women. How idiotic would you feel if you got told later when she's long gone that the whole time, she was into you? Will saying you had no idea help?

 

2) "Waiting for a sign" - like what? You could wait years and by then she's lost interest. Right now, is she laughing at your lameass jokes? Does she smile at you? Is it easy to talk with her and does she tell you about herself? Then that is the sign, as clear as it gets, she isn't going to hand you a perfumed letter. She likes you. We don't behave like that with people we don't like or are ambivalent towards. You might fear she doesn't like like you or that you don't even know if she's single, or even straight. You could spend months messing around trying to find that out in silly ways. Or you could just ask right now if she fancies lunch or a drink. All the relevant info you want at once, and if it's not positive for you, it's done and out the way (and you didn't end up being creepy), and if it is positive then bang, you've got a date.

 

3) Most people lives are boring and mundane. Hardly anyone is a rockstar. But hardly anyone wants to reveal this either. By hanging around with these girls forever you're becoming boring simply because you can't keep up the act of being amazing and new. John Q Douchebag comes along and she's all over him because he's new - in 2 months they'll be as boring together as they were independently before they got together, but that little spark of interest launched the ship in the first place. You're losing out on that, over and over.

 

There's more to say but this is enough. What you should take away is to act quickly. No more of this chilling out for weeks and months and years, pining away quietly while they don't even know. It's as confusing for them as it is for you. If she behaves positively toward you and you feel positively toward her, make a move. It's quick and clean of mind body and soul.

 

If all you've got right now are girls you've known for years, forget them. Meet some new ones. A buddy of mine was a virgin at 28, awkward as hell with women, hardly knew or met any. Met a girl at a thing he does, bang, partners within 4 months of meeting. Right place right time for sure, but also just that change of scenery - 4 months and a new person made all the difference in the world. There was another girl he'd been pining over for ten years. Ten years. Never a chance. She posted congrats on their facebook update.