Needy v. Independent

[Rager50]

I'm sure my problem isn't unique, but I'm having a hard time finding similar situations here. In a nutshell, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to be independent without pushing my husband away. Or how to be responsible for my own happiness, needs, etc., without making him unnecessary.

 

I'm 30, married for 1 year, together for 4. We work for the same company -that's how we met. Two years ago I was transferred to a quasi-management position, while he remained on the front line. I'm in line for a promotion now; he's not. That's a serious issue.

 

He is very unhappy with our company right now. I've gone between listening silently or agreeing ("You're right...that's terrible...") to offering suggestions ("Have you considered...") to attempting to ban work conversations altogether, because they all lead the same place - a fight, where he accuses me of being part of "the problem," forgetting where I "came from," etc. He identifies me as part of the evil empire he's railing against.

 

Six months ago I put in for a promotion; he didn't. He could have. He chose not to. After the initial interview - where I was sure I blew it - he told me he would prefer that he move up before I did, because he wanted to be the breadwinner. (This was his way of consoling me, I guess.) This was news to me! And of course, a week later, we found out that I nailed the interview, and was going on the next round of the process.

 

This is where I made my big mistake. I got excited. I talked to him about it. He got angry and screamed that he was quitting, that he refused to work at a company where me and my career would always come first; he didn't want to be in my shadow. I was floored. And then he cheated on me. (Lied to me about going out with a mutual friend; went to a party thrown by a former roommate and slept with a friend of a friend that I've never met. Told me two days later. Promised it would never happen again. All that crap.)

 

I thought I could work through the infidelity. I actually, crazily, thought it would make me a stronger person. It definitely opened my eyes to the kind of person he is. I thought, "I can handle this." I could be in charge of my own happiness, take control of my own life. And I have, for the most part. But the issue has really become that I don't think I need him anymore, for much of anything. I mean, we have sex, which I enjoy, and I'm still physically attracted to him, but I also know that he's not the only man in the world. Objectively, I realize that I was able to exist before him, and I'm capable of existing without him.

 

But this brings me to the subject - am I too independent? I think that was part of the cheating thing. I think he wanted to take me down a notch, which I realize is not healthy. But I have come to realize that I cannot depend on him for my happiness. Then the question becomes, what do I need him for? I keep hearing that “men need to feel needed.” But I never wanted to be one of those women who can’t do anything alone, or who needs a man for validation. I don’t need his money. We have no children, so I don’t need him to be a father. I feel like he projects so much of his professional unhappiness on to me, and I’m hesitant to open up to him much anymore, because he always turns it into a fight. I’m always wrong. I’m always doing something wrong. People he works with don’t like me and they’re waiting for me to make a mistake. It is pretty ridiculous.

 

Where's the balance? As I write this, I realize that this marriage is probably over. I still love him. That’s why I’m still trying. But I’m getting really tired of always being the bad guy, and I’m starting to doubt it will ever get better.

 

Thanks.

[january2011]

Love? Moral support? Someone to come home to? Someone to go out with? Someone to confide in? Someone to be intimate with? Someone to share your life with?

 

I think that you project that you don't need him and he's very aware of it. With your promotions, at the same work place no less, he feels even less needed. He may not be the type to beat his chest but if you and circumstances keep putting him in a weak position, he's going to try to find a way to redress the balance. And yes, I suspect he thought the cheating would do that. However, I think it's backfired somewhat because you're not cowering defeated, rather you're closer to thinking that he's surplus to requirements.

 

I agree that there needs to be a balance. You can be independent (have a great job and be financially well off) but you might want to unpick why you feel the need to highlight your independence as a badge of honour and be a woman who doesn't need a man. What are you trying to prove to yourself? To others? What does it teach you for future relationships?

 

In my opinion, you don't ever have to need a man but it would be a very lonely existence to not at least want one now and again.

[Rager50]

I totally agree - I do want to share my life with someone. I still want to share my life with him. Or I thought I did. I'm just not sure any more.

 

I guess my head is still reeling from the cheating. Maybe I should have put this in the infidelity section. I never thought that being successful, or being proud of my successes, would lead to this. I have never looked at his successes as signs of my failure. It horrifies me that he would feel that way. I am proud of him and the work he does. I tell him that! He thinks I'm patronizing him.

 

You asked why I see independence as a badge of honor - that's an easy one. My father was an abusive ogre and my mother never left him. She did the best she could, but a high school dropout with four kids was never going to be able to get out of the situation. Or she chose not to. It doesn't matter now, except that it showed me what NOT to be - someone trapped by money or fear. I suppose I've taken that too far.

 

So how do I make him feel more needed? Ask him to do stuff for me?

[january2011]

From experience, some men do thrive on that. If you're up to doing some reading, I suggest looking into the five love languages. Your husband might have a particular way in which he likes to give and receive love. This will give you clues as to how to strengthen your emotional connection with him.

 

However, it may be that you are not able to do this on your own. If he's open to it, I suggest looking into marriage counselling and even individual therapy. The cheating and the power issues within your relationship may need exploring through a professional third-party rather than by yourselves. I think it's an avenue worth trying since you do still love him and want to try to save the marriage.

[quankanne]

Five Love Languages is a great start, but I think with the problems you've described, it's gonna take more than that, because he's being selfish.

 

yes, it's a blow to a man's ego when his woman is successful, because in his pea-brain, he thinks he's failed as a provider. Some guys bounce back from that thinking quickly, seeing the positive side of the situation (she can contribute more! We can do more fun stuff because there's a little more spending/fun money for us! Etc!), while others insist on wallowing in self-pity. My guess is that your husband prefers the pity party. And I'm thinking I'd tell him to effin' grow up.

 

I know, I know ... not tactful, but always being the peacekeeper in the relationship isn't going to benefit the marriage, because then it becomes an unbalanced relationship, where you give more and he knows all he has to do is yell or pout or act badly and you'll rush in to make things "right." Time for a wake-up call, because if he doesn't stop acting selfishly, he's going to lose you.

 

in my way of thinking, we shouldn't *need* someone, because then it creates a lopsided relationship, with the giver/pleaser usually being taken for granted ...

[Star Gazer]

While Five Love Languages is a great tool for some problems, I don't think it applies here whatsoever. 5LL helps partners learn how to express love, and make the other person feel their love. It does not cure internal insecurity, or feelings of inadequacy, or not being needed - which appears to be what the OP's H is experiencing.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to be independent without pushing my husband away. Or how to be responsible for my own happiness, needs, etc., without making him unnecessary.

 

I am wondering why you got married if you intended to 'be independent' and 'responsible for your own happiness, needs, etc.'? That's what single people do. Marriage works best when people are interdependent. Did you tell him you were going for a promotion? Did he encourage you?

 

I am NOT at all saying that you should hold yourself back because it threatens your H. But perhaps giving him a voice in decisions is in order.

 

But all that is for the next marriage. I agree, this one should be canned. Married one year and he cheats cause he's mad??? NEXT.

[Rager50]

I got married because I met a great guy, that I had things in common with, and who I came to love more than I've ever loved anything. And yes, he knew that I was going for the promotion - he seemed supportive, until I started doing well.

 

Thanks to everyone for the input. I appreciate your time and advice.

[jphcbpa]

Wish my wife made more money than me. His ego is getting hurt it seems. Have you guys considered therapy regarding this...seems like there is a deeper issue at play here.

[spookie]

I can't believe people are giving you s!ht about being independent, like it's your fault he cheated on you, for daring to have a good career.

 

Personally, I can't imagine staying with someone who cheated, unless I had kids and/ or such strong financial ties, that my life would be ruined in the case of divorce.

 

I know you love him, but it doesn't sound like he's bringing anything to the table: not support, not loyalty, not even money.

 

Why stay?

 

You're only 30 and have just been married for one year. You can easily find someone, who does not act like a pathetic, envious child.

Edited April 23, 2012 by spookie