Here is the full story! I'm in a mess aren't I?

[curious_gal]

Thanks – I know what I have to do and to start loving myself more, etc. to get the strength to move on but It’s so hard for me. My sense of pride is crushed. Again, thinking I’m such a good woman. WHY? What am I doing wrong, etc.?

 

I feel like she is better than me. She has more to offer him. But then again, why doesn't he leave me for her?

 

I find myself obsessing about him and the situation constantly. Horrible thoughts always intrude my mind. I don’t know how to get past this.

 

Now, I just found out that each visit with the therapist is $50 and I can’t afford it. Not sure what to do there. Is there anything else you recommend?

 

Should I just completely do a 180 on him?

 

I hate that he has so much control over me. I go into panic whenever I think of him leaving me for her, etc.

 

He knows he has all control. I don’t want him to feel that way anymore.

 

When we first started dating I had all of the power in the relationship. He would cry if I was running five minutes late. He would be like "baby, what are you doing? WHY?" It was so odd to me. Now, the tables are turned and he’slike the devil. Isn't that crazy? How he switched?

 

It’s bizarre and I’ve NEVER experienced anything like this in my life. I’m out of control.

Edited April 25, 2012 by curious_gal

[freestyle]

Thanks – I know what I have to do and to start loving myself more, etc. to get the strength to move on but It’s so hard for me. My sense of pride is crushed. Again, thinking I’m such a good woman. WHY? What am I doing wrong, etc.?

 

I feel like she is better than me. She has more to offer him. But then again, why doesn't he leave me for her?

 

I find myself obsessing about him and the situation constantly. Horrible thoughts always intrude my mind. I don’t know how to get past this.

 

Now, I just found out that each visit with the therapist is $50 and I can’t afford it. Not sure what to do there. Is there anything else you recommend?

 

Should I just completely do a 180 on him?

 

I hate that he has so much control over me. I go into panic whenever I think of him leaving me for her, etc.

 

He knows he has all control. I don’t want him to feel that way anymore.

 

When we first started dating I had all of the power in the relationship. He would cry if I was running five minutes late. He would be like "baby, what are you doing? WHY?" It was so odd to me. Now, the tables are turned and he’slike the devil. Isn't that crazy? How he switched?

 

It’s bizarre and I’ve NEVER experienced anything like this in my life. I’m out of control.

 

 

Well, you can post here as much as you need to, if therapy is unaffordable.

 

The more you write, the more you can organize your thoughts, & get perspective.

 

The 180 is an excellent idea. It will empower you--

 

This situation is crushing your self-esteem---but--- I guarantee you, once you get some distance from it, you WILL get stronger.

 

 

Don't look at it as the other woman "winning" something from you.

 

She's "winning" a man who lies, cheats, and is emotionally abusive.

 

Eventually---she'll end up in the same place you're in right now.

 

Because men like him repeat their patterns---they idealize, devalue, & discard any woman who gets close. Lather, rinse , repeat..............

[curious_gal]

You guys really don't think he'll change for her? I sometimes fear that I'll hear that he married her once we're over and that will REALLY make me feel like she is better than me.

 

He said he was faithful to his wife so he is capable. Unless he lied about that. Her and I are friends and she said she cheated on him and he never cheated on her but she's also very full of herself. Maybe she didn't pay attention or care to know?

 

How do I pull a 180?

 

How do I show him that I'm taking control of my life again? Not calling? Texting, etc.?

 

I want him to know that I'm strong and confident.

[PegNosePete]

Why do you give a flying crap what he will or won't do for her? It does not concern you. All you need to do it tell him to F off and never speak to you again. What he does with his life is his problem. You just look after yourself.

 

Do you really think he is such a prize to win? If she is better than you then she would have told him to F off. If she is aware of his cheating then she is scum as well. If she is not aware then she is another victim just like you. Neither of those is "better".

[curious_gal]

Peg Nose Pete - Well since you put it that way? lol..Thanks, that reallymakes me feel alot better. I've never looked at it like that.

 

As far as her knowing. I caught them at our house that we lived in a week after I moved out. Then I walked in and caught them so she knows that we were together. Why would I be stumbling in the house?

 

Also, this is copied from my first original post:

 

1. Six months into our relationship I found that he had called and texted the woman that he left for me(she was the rebound girl after his wife left him) a few times without me knowing. When I called her to confront her she lied and said that she was his boss’ wife. I knew it was a lie because I did a reverse cell look up.

 

That is the same girl I caught him with who I think he's having an affair with. She lied for him that day because he told her to. So yes, I would say she's scum.

 

I hate everything about her. I guess they deserve each other.

 

When she dated him prior to him leaving her for me she was cheating on HER husband to be with him. She said she wanted to leave her husband for him so if they get together she'll probably cheat on him and vice versa.

 

What does that say about her? She's a loser. Right?

 

P.S. I know about her cheating on her husband and saying she wanted to leave her husband for him because a friend of mine knew her at that time.

Edited April 26, 2012 by curious_gal

[veggirl]

It's time for you to make a plan. When are you dumping him and when are you kicking him out?

[KathyM]

I hope you'll look into low cost or no cost counseling services. There are publically-funded counseling centers that provide counseling services to people who can't afford to pay. If you have PTSD, OCD, etc., you need to have help with that. And I hope you will realize that this man is toxic and should have no place in your life. Change the locks on your apartment, and don't allow him back into the home. Let him know he'll need another place to stay when he returns, because you are breaking up with him. And then follow through. You need to get this man out of your life if you are to heal from this. You don't need a toxic man in your life.

[curious_gal]

So today he gets home and at is extra nice. Then when we just walked down to do laundry he made a comment about me not having to take my phone everywhere. Now I mentioned before that he always makes comments about me having my phone. I always carry my phone with me everywhere. I did before him and still do. So I asked why the big deal? Why does it bother you so much? He said its annoying. Again, I asked why? I said I'm not doing anything wrong. Please stop trying to control everything I do.

 

He then said no one will ever move forward with you. I'll never move forward with you. I said why would you say something so horrible to me? I'm so good to you and have done nothing to deserve that! I said why are u with me then? He said it would take days for him to answer that.

 

I went out today and got my hair done and was feeling pretty good about myself. We were at the mall and guys kept staring at me.

 

I feel like because he sees how attractive I'm looking and all of the attention I got he didn't like that I was happy. I feel like he has to try and bring me down . Make me feel bad about myself.

 

Then he comes into bathroom while I'm crying and says come spend time with

Me. I wanna be close to you. I'm sorry. How crazy is this? this is abuse right? He's trying to control me and bring me down when he sees my confidence up!

 

Am I right? If anyone is holding anyone from moving forward its him stopping me! Not me stoping him! I'm so pissed right now!!!

[KathyM]

Buy the book that I mentioned, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Then you will understand why he does this. Those types do not want you to feel good about yourself. They have this need to put you down if you are feeling good about yourself. Because they always have to feel one up in order to feel OK with themselves. Buy the book if you need to know the answer to why he does this. In the book it describes a pattern where the abuser makes hurtful or upsetting comments specifically when his partner is feeling happy, enthusiastic, or successful. Here is a case scenario that is described in the book to illustrate this tendency:

 

"At first I couldn't tell at all what was going on. Then one day I saw that there was a pattern to the upsetting times. I realized that whenever I was happy or "up" Ernie said something that really hurt, or he put me down and said it was a joke. When I saw that pattern--that when I was up I somehow got hurt--I felt a deep shock. I felt disintegrated. I was trying so hard to pull myself together that I couldn't understand how that could be happening. I think I came to fear letting him know when I was happy. Then, maybe, deep down, I came to fear being happy."

 

Sound familiar? The abuser feels the need to put you down or deflate your mood, because he can't stand when you are feeling good about yourself.

[Professor X]

Am I right? If anyone is holding anyone from moving forward its him stopping me! Not me stoping him! I'm so pissed right now!!!

No, you are wrong, cause it's neither.

 

You are stopping yourself.

[jphcbpa]

You already know in your heart of hearts. Your inner child is afraid to be abandoned. Have you ever considered that you might be a love addict?

 

Love Addicts Anonymous

[curious_gal]

Hi everyone – I was away for the weekend and last few days. Just here to update. So we had an amazing weekend at my good friends wedding. It was perfect and I’m wishing now we didn’t go together because I’m feeling more vulnerable than ever. Like he showed the extra good side. I’m sure some of you get that.

 

So anyway, went on a walk last night. My lease is up at the end of June and just to TEST him I said “what are you thinking we should do and what would you like to do?” He said save up money and move to this area that I’m not interested in living in. Way too far out. I said “I really don’t prefer tolive there” and his response immediately was “well, we can’t live together then”.

 

I was surprised and said why is that the first thing that comes out of your mouth? Aren’t relationships about compromise and talking and coming to an agreement? I said I get that you want to live there to be closer to your daughters but there are other areas that are a bit closer and both of us can be happy. Aren’t you thinking about what would make me happy as well? Then I told him that I know he’s moving out there to be closer to your girls but what happens when your ex decides to cheat on her new guy and then has to move somewhere else again? Are we going to follow them there to? He said where he wants to live is central and it’s his DREAM. That I should be supportive of his dream. I told him he was being selfish and what he’s saying to me right now speaks volumes.

 

Then he started laughing and went on to say “I hope that you don’t keep me back from my daughters”. I was BLOWN away and very hurt by that. I have no idea why he said that or where itcame from but I’M the one who has been accepting and loving to his girls. I’M the one who ALWAYS makes plans to do fun things with them. I’ve been nothing but a great role model to them and have loved and accepted them into my life and so has my daughter (she babysits and everything) and I can’t believe he would say that.

 

I do SO many things for him and act as a wife. For him to say that is crazy to me. I said you obviously don’t hold me in high regards and think the worst of me when I’m so good to you so I need to start thinking of things. I told him that I’m not going act like a wife anymore. What good does it do for me?

 

I guess I’m just beyond hurt because I’m realizing even more that there is no compromise. That it’s all about him. I’ve been so giving and loving and accepting and have taken him into my home and for him to tell me those things is crushing.

 

He kept telling me that Iwas being dramatic and to stop with the nonsense. That I’m defending myself for some reason because I keep talking about it and throwing out there how good I am? What does that mean?

 

Did he think that I was not going to say anything? Wouldn’t anyone in their right mind stick up for themselves when they know they’ve been doing the right thing?

 

I just don’t get it. Where it’s coming from? I’m taking it personally and starting to question myself.

 

Then I thought to myself this morning. You know? I would probably have no problem moving where he wants to live if he was better to me and I was married. He’s not my husband though so why make all of these sacrifices?

 

He always says how can we be married when all I do is nag and argue? That he’s never going to move forward with me because I’m stuck in negativity. That no one will move forward with me. Do you know how much that hurts me?

 

So why make sacrifices? He obviously doesn’t have a good “view” of me for some reason so why?

 

Why is he doing this and where is it coming from? Is someone else “feeding” him these things? Or is he abusing me mentally to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong?

 

I need to fix that and Idon’t know what to do. I have the biggest lump in my throat even more because he has me feeling HORRIBLE about myself right now. Like it really is me. How can I be happy and positive when I’m not getting what I want?

 

He wouldn’t let me talk yesterday. He said that ALL I do is nag and argue. He said “you’re so much better when you’re quiet and *****ing me”. I couldn’t believe he said that. ALL because he told me it was his way or no way and I was supposed to stay quiet? Not stick up for myself? Relationships are about talking and about understanding and compromise!

 

I really feel paralyzed right now. I’m crushed and don’t know what to do. Talk about being confused more

than ever. Again, just crushed. Lump in my throat.

 

He had the balls to just text me “good morning beautiful” Is heCRAZY?!?!?

 

Seriously, what type of abuse and man and I'm dealing with? Or is it me that needs to just be more positve and happy go lucky and go with the flow? Please help me put this into perspective.

Edited May 2, 2012 by curious_gal

[Professor X]

He had the balls to just text me “good morning beautiful” Is heCRAZY?!?!?

 

Seriously, what type of abuse and man and I'm dealing with? Or is it me that needs to just be more positve and happy go lucky and go with the flow? Please help me put this into perspective.

 

He isn't crazy, you are. Instead of running away from him, his words and action lead you to think:

Then I thought to myself this morning. You know? I would probably have no problem moving where he wants to live if he was better to me and I was married. He’s not my husband though so why make all of these sacrifices?

That is indeed crazy, don't you think?

 

He basically made you his b*tch and you in return think of how it would be possible to move in with him...

 

Sorry, but he acts the way he does cause he can, cause he knows that even if he tells you're only good when you shut it and s*ck him you'll still be with him, and you know what? You'll shut it and s*ck him.

 

So am not quite sure what you're looking for from us forum people.

[curious_gal]

What am I looking for from you forum people?

 

1st of all NOT to be told I'm crazy. I already feel that way so that's not what I came here for.

 

2nd of all for SUPPORT and guidance on how to move forward without thinking it's ME. I need help to gain strength.

 

That's why I'm on this forum.

[Radu]

You need to understand it's YOU because you cannot control his actions, you can only control YOUR actions.

 

For every abuser there is a victim, and untill that victim is told and realises what she/he is it has all rights to feel like one but not after that.

Right now he cannot be an abuser without a victim and you are that victim.

 

You can take control of yourself and say STOP.

 

Ppl keep thinking that in a dominant-submissive relationship the dominant is in charge.

WRONG !

It's the submissive that has the absolute power to stop it and the dominant knows this ... as does your bf.

 

If we were to constantly tell you that it's not you and continue this charade we would be just like the ones you talked before ... remember ? your girlfriends who told you everything you wanted to hear.

That's an enabler.

 

I've known both men and women in your situation and the only one who can help the victim is the victim itself.

[Professor X]

What am I looking for from you forum people?

 

1st of all NOT to be told I'm crazy. I already feel that way so that's not what I came here for.

 

2nd of all for SUPPORT and guidance on how to move forward without thinking it's ME. I need help to gain strength.

 

That's why I'm on this forum.

 

The thing is, there's no "how to" book on how to do it. You just do it (Nike anyone? no? )

There's no "do x, y, z formula to get = freedom from him. You just wake up and tell yourself you had enough, and you need to believe it, and you need to also believe that the future, without him, will be better after you talk away. Maybe not the next day or the day after that, but sooner then you think, it will be.

 

I've seen so many women like you, come here, rant about their BF, how he is abusive towards them, yet, they go back to bed with him a few hours later. And they just keep coming back and forth to this forum and back to bed with him with nothing being accomplished.

If you wanna be one of those, than you'd do yourself a favor by accepting that your life won't change, that he will tell you what to do, and you will rant, cry, hurt, be upset and whatnot, and eventually do as you're told.

 

Or, take charge of your own life, cause, well, it's YOUR life, not mine, not his, and not anyone else's.

 

Choice is yours.

 

P.S. Not quite sure why you think you're not strong enough. You have a place to live, yes? A job to put money on the table? So what is it you're gonna lose? him? HE, that abusive man gives your strength? I think not...

[curious_gal]

So this is it. We got home and all day he was extra ansy about getting laundry done. I went through the laundry earlier looking for a shirt that I threw in there that wasn't dirty. When he saw that the laundry was ruffled through he got very defensive and asked why I was going through laundry. I said what's the big deal! Why does it matter? He yelled again and I said why are u being so defensive? I told him this was bizarre and he told me I was dirty. I said ur dirty for getting defensive about laundry. I told him he was textbook and he lost it on me. Threw me in the closet and told me to stop running my mouth and then pinched my lips and made me bleed. I went to push him off and he squeezed my wrists so hard theyll be bruised tomorrw. I then laughed cause I was so shocked and didn't know what else to do and told him that he's. Gross man for losing it on me and being physical over laundry. He said it wasn't laundry that it was my mouth. Again I said it doesn't matter u don't put ur hands on me. I again said he was crazy and an ass hole and he came up told me to watch my mouth. He slapped me in the face.

 

I'm beyond numb right now. He's saying it's my fault cause I was saying mean things. I only acted towards his cruelty and defensiveness. I don't even know what to tell him. He's making it my fault. I'm beyond numb. I need support now more than ever. Please help me. What do I say? I feel like I should have not looked through laundry or said anything.

[curious_gal]

Sorry if my last post is everywhere. I'm a trembling mess.

[Professor X]

There's NOTHING to say. You walk away.

 

You really wanna live with a man who hits you? REALLY? That's how you imagined your life would be when you were 16? That is what you want???

 

He WON'T change, you CAN'T change him and thus the situation WON'T change.

 

Do you understand this? Answer me.

[veggirl]

Oh my god. Why didn't you call the police?!? KICK HIM OUT AND CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. and file a police report!!

[freestyle]

Oh my god. Why didn't you call the police?!? KICK HIM OUT AND CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. and file a police report!!

 

 

 

THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

He crossed the line.

 

What typically happens , once the line has been crossed into physical abuse--

 

It only escalates.

 

PLEASE DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC..................:(:(

 

Watch "The Tracy Thurman Story"..........It's on Lifetime Movie Network.

 

What would you say to a sister, or a girlfriend in this situation??

 

No one has a right to hit anyone , EVER. No matter what you say, no matter what the provocation is. (and it's often imagined, by the abuser---as in your case. ...)

 

Have a trusted friend or family member take photos of your injuries, if there are visible bruises---make a police report, & get a restraining order.

 

Also, find out what the phone number is for your closest women's shelter is, and keep it in your cell phone, under a fake name, so you have it with you at all times.

[Faith93]

I'm curious as to why you started a relationship with him in the first place, when he left another woman for you, AND admitted to cheating in previous relationships.

That's setting yourself up for trouble you don't need.

 

-Faith.

[curious_gal]

Hi all – I haven’t been around for awhile. Things have calmed down a lot and I’ve been ok. I guess not paying attention to much. I have been getting stronger.

 

Well, I got a bomb dropped on me last night. I found out that I’m four weeks pregnant. I’m numb right now. This is a shock and so unexpected as I’ve been on birth control. I don’t even know what to do or where to turn

 

I’m confused. Part of me says to not move forward with the pregnancy because I already have a daughter graduating from high school next week! Why start all over again, right? But then again, I think of how blessed I am to have the opportunity (even though I’m older – 37 years old)and there is a reason for this child. I could start over and do things differently with him/her. Have a new life.

 

I don’t want to go through a pregnancy alone. I had to do that with my first child and it was very hard. I’m at a point now where her and I can travel, have fun, etc. I have more freedom. Why start over and be tied down, right?

 

He’s a great father to his two girls now. Do you think that us having a baby togetherill change him? Change things or am I still naïve?

 

He says he is so happy that I’m pregnant and wants both of us to do this the right way.

 

Please no rude comments and I don’t want to be judged as I’m beyond emotional and confused right now. Wanting to do the right thing. I really need advice and guidance.

 

Please help.

Edited May 30, 2012 by curious_gal

[veggirl]

You are still with this abuser and you think things have "changed" (bullsh.it....in a few weeks?! Right!!) and now you are pregnant with his baby. OMFG.

 

You have a teenager daughter. What would you say to her if she was with a man WHO HITS HER!!!!!

 

You think he won't do this in front of the baby you are now carrying?

 

You need to LEAVE HIM. Have the baby or don't, but don't stay with him. Take him to court for child support, do not stay with this abuser. What if he hits your child?!?!?! You think he won't?

 

:sick::sick::sick:

 

Seriously please tell us what you would tell your daughter she should do if a man slaps her face, pushes and shoves her, makes her bleed, bruises her wrists, cheats on her.

 

Having a baby does not fix things!! How can you even think that?!

 

FK! Being good for a week or two does not negate the HORRIFIC things he has done to you!

[WhyWontYouBe]

Ma ma miya! Me Gusta!

 

This has got to be a troll. After everything he did to you, you got yourself pregnant! LOL.

 

Well, not that I thought you'd leave him, but now you're really gonna be his slave for the rest of your life. Or well, until he decides he had enough. Good luck sister, but you choose the path you're walking now, and you keep making all the wrong turns, even though the signs are ALL there.

 

Guess you're here to vent so there's no point in giving you an advice, except... You haven't changed, what on earth makes you think he will? People never do :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: