Scared my insecurity will kill our relationship

[nanbullen]

My backstory: The man I thought of as my true love, contacted me out of the blue 7 months ago on facebook. I hadn’t talked to him in well over 10 years. We were together 4 years and got engaged but split up because of his issues with his crazy ex-wife and kids. He told me he never stopped thinking about me, has never stopped loving me, he has tried to find me, tried to get my # from my parents, etc. I have different name (married name) so he finally found me on FB after he found my cousin. By the way, we live in separate states, about 7 hours away by car.

 

Here’s my problem : A part of me feels, or a nagging voice in my head, that he has never truly loved me, but only used me as an emotional security blanket (for lack of a better word). It seems like he was with me when he was down/depressed/didn’t have his sh** together. And as soon as he pulled himself together….we would split up. It’s like, when he was too depressed or stressed out to put in the effort or energy into anybody else…he was with me, when he felt better about himself, when he was ready to put in the effort into somebody WORTH the effort, he was done with me. By the way, when we were together he was separated and eventually divorced and his exwife did not want/accept it and did everything possible to make his life miserable.

 

When we split up 10 years ago, I was completely devastated. I couldn’t bear to think about how much I loved him, and about all the things I would miss about him, and how I would never find someone I loved as much as him. So, as a coping mechanism, I focused on our ugly breakup, and all the things that made me unhappy in the relationship. It made it easier to move on. It was only years later, and enough time had passed…that I could think about him, and think of how happy we were together, and in love.

 

So now I go back and forth between believing hereally loves me…and being insecure and needing reassurance from him that he’s not just using me until he feels better. I’ve told him this and he says I’m being silly. He says the timing wasn’t right before, and then he tried to find me, but couldn’t. (Actually, he could have found me on FB BEFORE he got remarried and divorced again….but I don’t say that to him because I would seem completely batsh** insane with insecurity and he would be disgusted, rightfully so).

 

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to deal with all this insecurity very well. The more reassurance I need, and the needier I become, the more I push him away. I freak out if I text him” I love you” and he doesn’t respond fast enough. One time I texted I love you, and he texted back “good”…he was joking around but I completely lost it. OMG I cringe when I think back on it!

 

If he doesn’t call me often enough I feel insecure. If he doesn’t call me back fast enough I feel insecure. If he doesn’t tell me he loves me all the time I feel insecure, and on and on! And the worst part is, I express my insecurity by accusing him, being passive aggressive, nagging, whining… just EVERYTHING horrible and annoying.

 

The more I need reassurance…the more he pulls away. The more he pulls away…the more I need reassurance! I don’t know how to stop this cycle. At this point he’s so defensive I don’t know how to talk to him. I don’t know if my concerns are valid, or if I am just scared of being hurt again.

 

I see myself turning into this monster who’s pushing him away and KILLING this relationship. This is not the person he fell in love with. I step outside of myself and I can see how my behavior is such a turn off to him. I’m scared he’ll say he’s not in love with me anymore because of this person I have become!

 

I don’t even know what advice I am asking for. I guess I need a place to vent. Otherwise, I end up calling or texting him and then when he doesn’t reply fast enough…i go into meltdown mode and I leave a bunch more texts about how he doesn’t care about me, blah blah blah. I am disgusted with myself. But then I think, what if I am right and he DOESN’T care about me? And then my anxiety starts all over again.

 

I love this man with all my heart and I always have….why can’t I act like it?

[nanbullen]

Well it looks like nobody has anything to say about my problems, lol! Oh well, I guess I’ll keep posting in this thread like a journal or something, since I already started it. Besides, I need to do something besides sit here tempted to call him.

 

I’ve been reading a bunch of self-help books, not really relationship books, because I think I need to work on myself and figure out the causes of my own behavior and insecurity….as opposed to trying to figure out how to get bf to do what I want, and trying to figure out his behavior. One called “Healing the Shame that Binds Us” by John Bradshaw is actually pretty informative. One thing I have learned from it is, when I get mad because he doesn’t call me as often as I would like, and I’m sitting here angry at him and feeling worthless……I’m assuming that he isn’t calling me because he doesn’t love/respect/is bored/angry at me. But, I don’t know why he isn’t calling me. It could be because he is busy or sleeping or just needs some time by himself. Until I KNOW why he hasn’t called, I’m getting mad over something that isn’t actually happening, it’s only real in my head because of my paranoia.

 

I am not going to try to explain the theory behind all this but the premise of the book is that toxic shame rooted in childhood is the cause of our compulsions, co-dependencies, etc.

 

So I have been trying not to call him at all. Yesterday I called his number by accident. I know, I know…but it really was an accident! So I had to leave a message. It went straight to voicemail. His phone has sleep mode where all calls go to VM if it’s late. So I knew this and I felt fine until NOW, and I am ASSUMING that is phone is not in sleep mode right now, and I assume knows I left him a message. It’s hard to not jump to conclusions and make assumptions…. as I eliminate possibilities for why he hasn’t called me back…it becomes more like I am trying to think of excuses for him than anything else!

 

I KNOW we need to talk. But he is so defensive right now if I bring up ANYTHING about us. I think he has tried to be patient and reassure me all he could and now he has given up and feels, either I get over it or not…there’s nothing else HE can do.

 

Maybe I’m posting in the wrong forum, but this seemed like it could go in several ones, and this forum seemed the most appropriate. Maybe I should be in coping, or dating, or second chances. I don’t even know where I stand in my own relationship anymore.

 

Anyway, if anybody is still reading this, thanks!

[2nd2therite]

Nan, I'll give you my two cents worth and it's this...you are NOT the one with the problems, HE is. I speak from experience from years ago. I won't bore you with the details but, consider this in order to keep both your sanity and dignity...what was your life life before this slug decided to re-enter it?

 

I do not doubt you loved this man but, I DO doubt he ever loved you and what do you suppose his relationships with other women have been in the past? He now seeks solace and comfort somewhere and has the audacity to seek you out and yet is already making your life miserable.

 

Take a break, sit down, draw a few deep breaths and tell yourself repeatedly that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior and get angry about it. You'd be amazed at how a little personal introspection can regenerate your self worth, respect and dignity.

 

You deserve a whole lot better than to get drawn back to some ancient failed relationship which never was a relationship of substance to begin with and I don't mean to insult you since I believe you are a sincere person, deserving far better than the treatment this man is giving you.

 

Let us know how you're doing.

[bstone]

Just relax. This could really work and there is still time to fix it if you spend serious time focusing on yourself from this point on.

 

Men fall in love with women that are outstanding. Women that don't feel lonely when they're alone because they think they're the coolest person they know anyway. Women that are confident in themselves and their relationships that even if their boyfriend doesn't call for a week, they would just shrug thinking "he's obviously been in a car wreck to not call me." That think the men are lucky just to be standing around them. if you just relax, the answer of whether this is worth your time or not will come.

 

Go to the library, so explore your town, travel alone, pick up a new trade, start yoga classes, go out with your girlfriends, start a journal, all these things will distract you from the anxiety your creating in your head. Just get out there and move, do stuff. Sitting around thinking and thinking will create more problems that aren't real, but very real to your psyche. It's good you realize you're being crazy, and that you can't blame him from feeling turned off. This is good because it's totally fixable.

 

Men are easy, they will think whatever you want them to think about you. If you treat yourself like a queen, then he will automatically fall in line with it too. Stand up straighter, laugh more, bite your tongue and shrug off things that would normally bother you, and cry to your journal. You can go back and read what you need to work on and FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT to your boyfriend. He reached out to you, YOURE in the power seat, don't take it any other way. You are in total control. You got this.

 

 

I'm in the same boat, this is why i came across your thread. I used to be THE most confident girl, had guys lined around the block but wasn't interested in anything but myself at the time. I met a really really sweet guy that worshipped me and after 6 months, i'm the gross, insecure, anxious girl I swore I'd never be. I realize this and just need to learn to love the **** outta myself again, then he can't help but fall in love with me too.

 

Are you a water sign?

[nanbullen]

What a difference a few days makes. When I bought those self- help books, I see now, I needed help accepting what is unacceptable. I needed an instruction manual help me justify and rationalize him completely disrespecting me. Instead, I learned that in order for me to be able to feel secure and accept love from others, I would have to love myself first. I will never believe that someone else sees something in me to love, when I don’t see anything to love.

 

Seriously, how is it ok that when I call the man who says he loves me, I have to worry (BEFORE I EVEN CALL HIM) that he won’t call me back. I re-read my post and I am in shock at how twisted my thinking is! This is the man I love. This man says he loves me. And yet, I am AFRAID to call him because 9 times out of 10 he doesn’t answer, and doesn’t call me back for days. and then he turns it all around until I think it’s all my fault.

 

I agree that you need to be the kind of confident person who has self-esteem, and self-respect that YOU yourself would want to date….but that’s the point. I don’t know the details of your relationship bstone, but a person can’t be confident and love themselves and stay in a toxic relationship. I understand where you’re going when you say, he doesn’t call for a week it could only be because he was In a wreck. That’s kinda funny (in a sad way), because the first or second time he didn’t return my calls, I DID convince myself he had a health emergency, lol… I have rationalized this crap with every excuse you can imagine! IF he just wasn’t calling for a week at a time it would be bad enough, but he’s not returning, completely ignoring my calls and texts practically pleading for him to just tell me SOMETHING. Tell me to eff off, tell me you met someone, tell me you need time, tell me you fell out of love….just return my call. How, HOW is this ok?! How do I justify this and still have any respect for myself? I hope things work out for you. I completely agree that you have to be the kind of person somebody would WANT to be with, if the problem really is YOUR insecurity, then that’s fine. But, you have to be really honest with yourself and that is so, so hard, when you aren’t ready to accept the truth.

 

The day after I posted, I woke up with that indescribable panicky, hopeless feeling you have in the morning in those first days/weeks after a breakup. I’m freaking miserable, I am so unhappy….and I’m feeling like this because of his “love”. My mood hinges on whether he has called me, or told me he loves me. I hate my life, I dread the endless days in front of me, I’m lonely, my daughter pays the price….and it’s all because this slug (thanks 2nd2therite, that’s exactly what he is!) hunted me down on facebook and proceeded to INFECT my life like a disease. His “love” is ruining my life.

 

Yeah, it’s hard to forgive myself, I’m ashamed of myself for letting him use me and then throw me away….and come running back for more. I’ve since deleted all his email addresses, cell #, text messages, everything. I couldn’t go all the way and block him on facebook, but I finally did it. I even deleted his mom’s number. No hesitation there lol…

 

Thanks for your replies, I love this site!

[Ellamay]

YOURE not killing this relationship, this relationship is already dead.