how do i stop feeling bitter towards my ex?

[xxgnxx]

How do I stop feeling bitter towards my ex? I would like to be friends with him but this bitterness is preventing that from happening. I'm bitter at him for joining the army and being deployed, I'm bitter at him for never making me a priority in his life, I'm bitter for the many times he made me cry, and I'm bitter at him for changing.

[StartingAgain]

If you want to stop being bitter, you have to stop fueling the fire. You do this by forgiving him. Women have a much harder time with forgiveness than men for some reason. They don't feel they can to it. But they can and must, because until you forgive someone for the wrongs they've done you, you only hurt yourself.

 

Obviously, you and your ex are young. You are just starting out in life. Of course your ex changed. It's what he's supposed to be doing with his life right now. He's moving from boyhood to manhood, just as you are becoming a woman. Most of the things you want and need now are not the things you are going to want and need five years from now. Each of us must find our own path and sometimes this means that we have to move on and leave those we love behind. Your boyfriend has things he has to get done; new things he has to experience to become the man he is meant to be.

 

Think about this for just a minute. He's joined the Army and has been deployed. That was a brave thing to do given the situation we're in right now. While you are sitting there in the comfort of your home feeling bitter about his choosing to serve his country, he is God only knows where, hasn't had a bath in a week, is eating food out of a can, hasn't had much sleep lately, is lonely, homesick, scared, and most importantly, at risk of being killed by a sniper's bullet or a bomb. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are bitter because you are wallowing in selfishness. He may come home in a body bag and you are bitter because he made you cry?

 

Focus on the good times the two of you had and let the bad times go. In every relationship you'll ever have there will be bad times. If you don't learn how to take these along with the good, you'll never have a successful relationship and will spend your entire life being bitter.

 

Sorry if I seem hard, but I want to shake you up -- just a little.

[kirkyswife]

My goodness you have a lot of anger towards someone that ultimately has no control over your inner peace and happiness. I do not know the circumstances surrounding his decision to join the Army but that was a decision he made out of what I assume was his own personal goals. He was deployed because Dubya decided to use the 9/11 attacks as an opportunity to finish something his father started and did not complete when he was in office, opposed to closing our borders; locating terrorist cells in our country and around the world; "smoking the right fox out of the hole" Osama Bin Laden -so channel that bitterness accordingly. As for your being bittter at this man not making YOU a priority in HIS life; making you cry; and not changing should make you bitter at yurself that you expected him to be something he wasn't and that was simply this man that you wanted him to be.

[color=violet][font=times new roman]

You are the sole controller of your universe[/font][/color] - what that means is that people can only do to you what you ALLOW them to do to you. I have a sense that you have a warped sense of what relationships are comprised of - individuals. You can't make anyone "change", changes happen when and if a person decides a change is necessary. It's up to you to decide how it impacts your life and if you can live with the particular issue. All you can do is share with someone how certain actions or behaviors make you feel - it is up to that individual whether or not he or she will make a change. And if that does not meet with your satisfaction you can either stay and accept things AS THEY ARE or exercise your right to find someone who will respect you in the manner in which you feel you should be respected.

 

Relationships CAN NOT be controlled.

 

Also, if you are dedicating your time and emotions (both of which I consider quite valuable) and it's not being reciprocated you need to figure out why you subjected yourself to this kind of emotional abuse. Sounds to me as if you are bitter about life and this last incident is the last in what I will assume is a chain of self destructive patterns probably resulting a SEVERE lack of self esteeem. You need to see a therapist and as soon as Monday. You sound like me about 5 years ago and that's why I am posting this so confidently. This man isn't your problem Sweetie - and you can find inner peace if you CEASE self medication or advice from friends and/or others who have varying degress of mental health issues. You are going to be fine but before projecting negative energy outwards, let's heal the war that's going on inside.