Affair, Military involved, Feeling like a consolation prize

[blindsighted]

I'll give you a little background first..

 

Husband and I have been together for 9 years (I'm 25 and he is 28 now). We've been married 3 and he is in the military. We had an amazing relationship, best friends and then when we moved with being in the military things started to change. He came up before me and he made friends with people I didn't approve of; a bunch of single military guys who just liked to party. Then we got a dog about a year after we got to our first base and even though we know we shouldn't have let her, she started sleeping in the bed.. Then she got to be a big girl and weighs 75lbs and refuses to sleep anywhere else except between us in the bed. This started our falling apart, the lack of touch lead to lack of sex. We no longer were able to cuddle on the couch or cuddle in bed.. We then moved to a house and the same thing happened. I found myself watching tv in the other room while he played video games in the living room. The dog still slept in the bed and we still didn't have much sex. Over the past year there was a period of 4-5 months when we didn't have sex at all. I wasn't interested and he barely tried. Never thought there was any infidelty going on..

 

Then he went away with the military for 3 weeks. He didn't talk to me that much while he was there and about halfway through he started telling me that I wasn't allowed to come pick him up, that I better not be there. So we started arguing and what not. Then I noticed he had become friends with a girl he works with on facebook. She posted a picture of him and then his statuses started getting really weird. Talking about how he didn't want to leave this place, and he knew it was wrong to feel this way but he didn't want it to stop. I kept asking him if anything was going on and he said no. Then when he got back (I didn't pick him up because he was so mean to me about it) things were just different. I kept asking him about this girl and he said they were only friends and she kept him out of the strip clubs where all the other guys went.. and that she invited us over to her house to hang out and wanted to meet me.. so I let it go. The next day I just felt like something still wasn't right, I went through some of his things (which I don't do, at all!) And found 8 different love letters that she had written him. Talking about them kissing and laying next to each other, how she loved his lips and everything about him. Talked about how she hated me for not giving him the attention he deserved and she would treat him so much better.. but also that she had no intention of this going any further once they returned back home..on and on and on. My worst nightmare! (She is also married, her husband in the military too and they have a child) And then on top of that when he was too busy to call or text me.. I checked the phone records and he had exchanged over 4000 messages with this woman. They were on different shifts so he slept while she was at work (which is when I could talk) and then got up when she got off to hang out with her.. and avoided me at all costs or just tried to fight with me when we did talk.

 

I made copies of them and confronted him. He said nothing to me, just stared at me with this deer in the headlights look. I spoke very calmly he apologized. Over the next few weeks we took a weekend vacation that I had planned and things went so well. We had the best sex ever, every single day of vacation. Had great conversation and I thought things were looking up. I then told him I wanted to work things out and save our marriage and then he started with this "I don't know what I want"..

 

I find out later that "I dont know what I want" meant "I don't know if I want you because she might leave her husband for me"!! AHH! They were still talking to one another, she was still writing him notes at work.. people were telling me about it, he was lieing to me about it all! So finally her husband found out and called me, asked for the letters so that he could get full costody of their child because he was divorcing her. I felt like I had to, I contemplated for a couple days, but then checked the phone records and they were still talking to one another, so I gave them to him.. and he in turn gave them to their superiors in the military, which has caused a whole world of trouble.

 

I had surgery 2 weeks ago and my husband asked to take care of me.. on that day her husband send me a message telling me that they were working things out, I showed it to my husband and instead of taking care of me he proceeded to drink a 12 pack of beer, take some of my pain pills and post stupid statuses on fb because he was so upset that she was staying with him. We talked about it a few days later and he even ASKED ME TO CALL HER AND TELL HER HOW HE FELT ABOUT HER! I was in awe. This man I loved and was my best friend asked me to tell his mistress how much he cares for her.. Are you JOKING ME? At this point I stopped babying him and trying to be Mrs. Stepford Wife and told him he was an idiot that he had a wife that was trying to work their marriage out after the bs he put her through and he was going to throw it away to be a stepdad (he doesnt even want kids right now) and to give it all away to be with a woman who has cheated on her husband over and over again (she does this every time she goes away with the military, so I have been told) and then when things got rough (everyone at work found out and now they are getting in trouble.. tbd this week) She BAILED ON HIM! (Not to mention I also found out that he got on my facebook days before this to send her a message asking her if she could contact him because he HAD to talk to her.. at this point the military had issued a no-contact order and they would be held to the utmost punishment if they communicated)

 

The next thing I know my husband is blowing up my phone saying he wants to work on things (first time since this happened a month ago that he decided he wanted to do this) and he is ready to commit 100%..

 

Well his commitment is coming along.. he has brought me breakfast at work, kisses me like he used to, but I still think something is missing. It is like he is trying to sweep this under the rug.. Like he wants it to go away..

 

But I feel like a consolation prize, the runner up. I feel like he is settling to be with me because she won't leave her husband. I don't deserve to feel this way. Ugh so confused on whether I should stay or go.

 

This coming week their punishment for unprofessional behavior with the military is going to be determined and I honestly feel like if he gets in big trouble that he will hold me responsible since I gave the letters to her husband which got them in trouble.. But if he doesnt get in big trouble that we might salvage our relationship..

 

Thats no way to live? Basing his punishment on our relationship.. AM I CRAZY?

 

What do I do.. I finish nursing school next May.. He probably deploys for 6months this year.. Do I finish school and then see how our relationship progresses or get out now? Do I give it my all when I don't think he is giving it his all?

 

He also still has a password protection on his phone and.. I do not have full disclosure, I feel like he is still trying to hide things. :(

[spice4life]

So sorry for your troubles. you will find the support you need by posting in the "Infidelity" forum.

 

However, your husband is not doing all he can to rebuild your marriage an you need to stop being afraid of him and get harsh. He should be 100% transparent right now and if he is not, it is because he is not out of the affair fog yet. He needs a wake up call! I would leave if I were you and let him sit and stew in the bed he has made. And don't even consider reconciliation until you know for sure he is 100% committed and he is being completely transparent.

 

I don't blame you for feeling like a consolation prize right now, I would be too. However, you will only feel that way if you allow yourself to. I, for one, would not tolerate it; I would walk! I wouldn't even consider a reconciliation unless he as proven 100% that he is remorseful and made a mistake. Pick yourself up and tell him to take a hike. Let him lay in the bed he made ALONE.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 21, 2012 by spice4life

[irin]

your still young, and have no kids, get out while can, trust me it will happen again! a dog got between you imagine when you have kids. that man cant be trusted. im sorry for you pain.

[MissBee]

I honestly have no clue how you can survive this.....

 

As Spice said, perhaps on the infidelity board you can get more responses from people who have been in similar situations.

 

I'd send him packing personally, as you indeed seem to be the consolation prize. It is one thing if my husband is in an A and when I find out he drops the OW and begs me back. At least maybe I could believe that there was something to be worked on here, but if he proceeds to mix deadly cocktails of alcohol and pain meds and posts on FB and asks me to call his mistress to say how much he loves her...honestly WTF?! How can I overcome that? I'd never be able to.

 

He is greatly troubles on all levels and I'd not want to be married to such a man who would really have such audacity. It doesn't seem like he cares one bit. You could try marriage counseling to see if there is anything there to save or if this is just a wake-up call for you to realize that this situation is not the greatest and marriage or not, you need to move on. As irin said, you're very young and perhaps this marriage was a mistake and you still have time to move on with your life.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't worthy of ANY chance right now, the way he has treated you, lied to you, cheated on you, betrayed you, let you down at your worst time during surgery just shows HE IS NOT the man you once loved and married. Things weren't great before this affair happened either, so I'm not sure what kind of love and glue is left to salvage your marriage..

 

I would divorce. He isn't worth fighting for. His efforts right now are empty and he's reacting because he doesn't want to be alone.

 

Separate with the intention of divorce and IF he comes clean, shows real remorse, is willing to be an open book, get marriage counselling to fix himself and work with you to save the marriage, THEN give him that chance if you wish. Until then, stop seeing and talking to him, get him OUT of the house.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Furious]

So sorry for what you've had to go through.

 

I truly feel you are in a position to make a clean break and start over.

You don't have children , you're young and will be starting a new career in the very new future.

 

Seperation might give you a clearer picture, use that time to spoil yourself, go out, look and feel good about yourself. You deserve so much better than what he's done o you.

[SoxPrincess]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Being a military wife (I've been one for 14 years this year) is hard on the best days; throw in infidelity & it's that much worse.

 

I'm not sure if staying with your H is the best idea after reading everything you posted & I certainly can understand why you feel like a consolation prize. If it were me, I don't think I'd give him a chance at all, especially as he's not being transparent.

 

If I may ask, what kind of punishment is he facing for his actions? Normally proving infidelity in the military is incredibly difficult. It's appalling to me that essentially, depending on what his punishment is, YOU will be paying for his mistakes. If he loses rank, pay, is put on extra duty, etc.. that directly effects you. Ugh. How awful.

 

At any rate, look into IC for yourself. If you go to Military OneSource (you can Google it to get the link), there is a link on the right side (under the Popular Links section) for Counseling Options. My H & I took advantage of this several years ago & if I recall correctly, you get 6 (or maybe 8, I can't remember) free counseling sessions. We found it extremely beneficial. For us, we did marital counseling but in your case, I'd suggest individual counseling first.

 

Good luck & (((HUGS)))

 

Edited to add: I just looked on the Military OneSource site to get more information for you & you actually get 12 counseling sessions at no cost http://www.militaryonesource.mil/MOS/f?p=MOS:CONTENT:0::::SV,UT,LG,CID,TID,COHE:Army%20Active,Member,EN,,,261882

Edited April 21, 2012 by SoxPrincess

[Emme]

The whole time I was reading this I was praying that you didn't involve his superiors... SMH... He is in a sh*t load of trouble. Career and money wise if they decide to punish financially or take his ranking. SMH!

 

Lets focus on you. Finish nursing school. Reason being your husbands pay might diminish as punish. You will need the income if your current career isn't enough to survive on. Next... I can tell you your story might not seem simple, but it is. I have heard stories from family in the military that would make your head spin. I'm not down playing your pain. But I want you to know your situation could be a whole lot worse.

 

If you truly love your husband. You have to be there to assist in him getting his head out of his ass. You are still young so you choose to leave and start your life over again from scratch, the choice is yours. If you truly love him and want to make it work you have to hold on. Marriage is not easy and there is a devil at every door waiting to destroy it. You have to decide. Decide and stick by him if you want to make this work. Set your exceptions and if he doesn't live up to them use that as your deal breaker. I'm not telling you to let him walk all over you. Just help him... be the friend to him that started your loving relationship. Men are dumb. Yeah I said it. Dumb. Last thing he should be doing is f*cking with his money and his career because the military is like the mob. They own you. His ass does not want to be a civilian. Discharge equals $0.00 dollars on his resume.

 

Slap him in the head if you have to ... sometimes it works. It's like a old TV.

 

If you want your marriage to work you have to fight for it!

[Emme]

If you and your husband have another sit down. Make him watch this.

 

 

 

If you don't want him, let him go. If you do want him, fight. That's all I can tell you. I'm so sorry hun.

[jphcbpa]

Move on with your life. Best of luck

[Black Jack]

He's still cheating on you (password protected phone). He just wants to keep you so he can have his cake and eat it.

 

Divorce.

[blindsighted]

I can't thank you all enough for your words. I guess I am scared, hurt and just so confused right now.

 

We had some people over at our house last night to watch the UFC fight. I went to bed around 1am because I worked and was tired. Woke up around 4 and found a couple of the guys outside smoking and my husband on his phone. He immediately got off and I asked who it was and he said it was his friend "A". Well "A" happened to be at our house, I knew he was lieing, but went outside asked "A" if he was just on the phone with him and he of course said no.. Then I told my husband I knew he was lieing and asked who it was and he started to get rude with me and then came up with this lie about how he saw me coming and started to use his phone because he knew that is what I expected and maybe I should just check the phone records, so on and so on. I didn't want to make a scene with his friends there so I just went back to bed. Asked him about it today and he "didn't remember". Smh.

 

I have no idea where my backbone is and why I've become so afraid to engage him. Maybe I don't want to lose him? I deserve better tho, someone who will respect me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. It's just so hard, I want to be with him... But I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again..

 

Btw, his meeting is in 4 days with the commander to determine his punishment. I will keep everyone posted.

[blindsighted]

Sox: I'm not sure what punishment he is facing. They mentioned moving him to a different squadron, taking away his privileges, LOR or even article 15. It will be decided this week. He is an exceptional military member and always wins awards every quarter.. Not sure if that will play to his advantage.

 

It is hard to prove, but the letters she wrote are very descriptive about her feelings for him, talks about kissing him and lying in bed with him. He was actually seen with her all the time, only them goin out to eat or at the bar. But when asked about it he replied with "I called other people and nobody wanted to come". Of course he didn't though. His roommate also saw them in his bed together, fully clothed but when he got caught begged the roommate to not tell.

 

Ugh this is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. I feel sick everyday!

[whichwayisup]

He isn't remorseful, he isn't scared or freaking out about what's around the corner and the sh.t that's coming to hit him in the face by the military.

 

He LIED to you, instead of just coming clean. He is still cheating on you. Sure it's on the downlow, but he is still up to no good. It's like the blinders are on and he feels he can do as he pleases..RIGHT UNDER your nose.

 

From what you've said so far, it seems your marriage isn't worth saving. He isn't remorseful, or full of regret. He isn't being honest, he isn't being an open book or trying to regain your faith and trust. He just 'expects' you to take him at his word. WTF is that? A husband who cheated and is ready to fix himself and marriage is worth fighting for.. Your husband is far from that and right now he's not worth fighting for.

 

I say file for separation with the intent to divorce. Let him deal with his fallout and consquences of having an A on the job. You focus on yourself and do as Emme said, finish nursing school and start over. since there are no children, it'll make things easier. Painful still, and it'll take time to work through it all, but YOU will be better off in the long run.

 

Just because you love your husband, doesn't mean you two should be together,especially since the way he's treating you and still up to no good!

[Ninja'sHusband]

:(

 

So sorry to hear. You have no kids, I would try to start fresh if you can. Of course the logistics and money are hard...dunno what to say about that such a mess, I totally feel for you. You can check the phone records btw if you have an online profile. I check my wife's phone calls\texts regularly, she had an affair last year.

[findingnemo]

You did the right thing by giving the letters to the BH. Bravo to you!! Why do you want to reconcile? It isn't as if your H has done anything to deserve another chance. Right now he is playing you like a fiddle. Making you feel guilty about reporting him while still talking to that woman. Oh well, you just have to wait until you know what the punishment is for him, then proceed.

 

Continue with school. After all, this is something vital for you. Whatever happens to him shouldn't affect that. Don't let anything derail your education...and I mean anything.

 

If I were you, I'd ask him to leave RIGHT NOW. I would end things and put the onus on him to do the heavy lifting to reconcile. You haven't done that so he thinks he still has your love. I know how difficult it is for you right now. But time has come to think about YOU.

[Owl]

Get a divorce while he's still active duty...you have far more rights and ability to have them enforced by his chain of command than you will if/when he's a civilian.

[SoxPrincess]

Get a divorce while he's still active duty...you have far more rights and ability to have them enforced by his chain of command than you will if/when he's a civilian.

 

THIS!! I can't be 100% sure (but can look into it for you, if you'd like) but I'm 90% sure that you'll still be eligible for TriCare, dental, use of the commissary, etc. if you divorce while he's active duty. I've been married a lot longer than you & I know I would be entitled to those things if we ever divorced, in addition to what he will get when he retires in a few years, but I'm pretty sure you can still get those things even if you divorce after 3 years.

 

Perhaps consider going to JAG on post & inquiring about those things & I'd also ask if you're entitled to anything monetarily too. Meaning, if he loses rank/pay, are you entitled to alimony of sorts. I'm really not up to speed with such things, but again, I'll look into it for you if you'd like more information.