Should I run? Oh geez....

[wmrjw82]

Well guys. Here is my situation. I'm just looking for honest straight forward opinions and maybe what you would do in this situation.

 

I met this girl online apprx. 2 months ago. She has a 3 month old son and the story with her baby daddy is that she was dating this guy off and on for apprx. a year. He's an alcoholic. When he got out of jail (dui), he went and drank the very next night. This set her off, they broke up...and as sort of revenge (from her words), she slept with another guy that weekend and told him. Only problem was, she happened to get pregnant.

 

Trouble ensues for them for the rest of the relationship until it finally ended last December he said he would never accept her son if he wasn't his. Well, before he even know for sure, he skipped out on her during the pregnancy (never came during the birth) and over the last 3 months of her sons life hasn't never gave two ****s. Over the course of the last year, he's gotten anothe dui and a hit n run but somehow managed to get off with a misdemeanor, once again.

 

So... the story continues... and the problem lies here. This girl has a big guilt trip from sleeping with the othe guy and getting pregnant (which was aided by the alcoholic boyfriend)... she loved the guy and from the time their thing ended and we got together it was only really a month. So I know there wasn't a huge grieving process that took place.

 

This is where I come in. We've had an amazing time together the past month, can't get enough of each other, everything is going great. I have a 2 year old son and both kids have met each other and its just really really special. That is, until I blew it last weekend by telling her I love her. (which I do) She starts to back off a little and I sense that she's holding back. I finally get it out of her this week that the alcoholic has been sending her pics of places they used to go & eat and things they used to do together (even though he's got a girlfriend now) and its gotten to her. Its obviously affected her and she says that she so badly wants to stop thinking about this guy but me telling her I loved her set off a trigger.

 

I feel like I made a mistake at first when I heard this news. I was pissed. I dont play second fiddle to any guy. I dont want to love someone that obviously isn't in the same spot as me. So I told her I was done. Then she started telling me how she doesn't want to be with him, he doesn't want to be with her... things like that. So last night we get on the phone and she's crying... and saying she doesn't want to end things she just wants to take it slow. But she doesn't know why she still gets affected by him. So I say okay, we will take things slow and I understand. I tell her how no matter what, I want her to be happy.

 

Well i'm seeing her for the first time in this LONG week tonight. I guess i'll know more after tonight but do you guys think I should just run far away from this situation or give her the time to get over this guy (time that she never really had) and still continue to be there? My main concern is being used as either a stepping stone to get over him, or a jealousy tool to get him back (which seems to be working as he's contacting her alot more now). I want to trust in her but I can't help feeling like this.

 

I just am afraid jealousy will get to meet at some point and push her towards him. (The alcoholics lives with his sister who also does daycare for my gf's mom so ... he'll be around in some form)

 

What would you do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

Edited April 21, 2012 by wmrjw82

[Professor X]

I'd run.

 

What the hell man, she cheated, got a kid from it, still loves the drunk alcoholic guy, still in touch with him, keeps you as a backup plan.

 

You really think you can't do any better?

 

And honestly, she needs the time off, but you wanna stay there while she gets over him? IF she gets over him and IF by that time she actually will feel something for you.

 

 

 

 

Then she started telling me how she doesn't want to be with him, he doesn't want to be with her... things like that.

= She wants him to ravage her, but since he doesn't want to, she'll pretend and tell her surrounding she isn't into him. Pride, you know?

[wmrjw82]

I'd run.

 

What the hell man, she cheated, got a kid from it, still loves the drunk alcoholic guy, still in touch with him, keeps you as a backup plan.

 

You really think you can't do any better?

 

And honestly, she needs the time off, but you wanna stay there while she gets over him? IF she gets over him and IF by that time she actually will feel something for you.

 

 

 

= She wants him to ravage her, but since he doesn't want to, she'll pretend and tell her surrounding she isn't into him. Pride, you know?

 

thanks for the feedback. You're probably right. Wish I could tell my heart the same thing. Just things were amazing until just last weekend when I told her I loved her. Damn i'm an idiot sometimes...

[wmrjw82]

so is this the general concensus from everyone then? I know the situation looks hilarious from an outside viewpoint but sadly...things were perfect last week before I scared her away apparently w/ the i love you. Felt really good...now its gone.

[g450]

I would have to agree with PX. I would run also.

 

But Im a bit of a hypocrit in this thread because I am engaged to a woman that has a similar history.

 

In my case I had to set up many boundries with my Fiancee. There was so much baggage there that my list of boundries had to be a mile long. Most having to do with her kids, her XH, and her XFBs.

 

Like you, at the time I met my GF she was still in love with her H who was cheating on her and living with another woman for about 4 years. She even went back to him once and then begged me to take her back after he once again cheated on her. She also had revenge sex on him, many many times with several guys. She has three boys, all from different fathers. Two are grown and one that lives with us looks just like his dad. His father is six months behind on CS payments. I know she will never see a dime from him so I am essentially raising his kid (13 year old). I love the girl and it's something I feel I could do for us. Kid will be gone in five years anyway.

 

It was a mess but believe it or not we did get past most of these issues with her past and I dont think her Xs will bother us. They havent for a year. So yes people will call me crazy for marrying her Im sure but I just wanted to point out that things can be fixed if both parties are willing to do the work and love each other enough. The decision is yours.

 

Anyway, Sorry for the hijack. It's just that we have a similar situation. In your case though you are still new into it. I would really reconsider if you really want to spend a LTR with her or not. Personally I would run before I invested to much of my money and my heart on her. And yes I realize that I am a hypocrit for saying that.

[Woggle]

Yes you should far far away from her.

[Jadempk]

This is tough. Only you will ever know your feelings and all of us replying are just providing advice from past experience/logic. I feel sorry for the girl, so if yo do leave I hope you do it well. It would totally suck to be in her situation and yes she may still get hung up on her ex but that dosen't mean she wants him back, he sounds like a total douche.

Communication is key

[Wanderer25]

Any woman who cheats out of revenge is bad news. And she got pregnant the only time she had sex with the other guy? Fat chance!!

[Tasion]

You sounds like a back up plan The idea of having a young baby all on your own is scary and it's nice to know there is someone there but she sounds as if she is just wanting someone around. I don't think she is doing it on purpose though!

[wmrjw82]

I ended it last night. I kept telling myself over and over in my head... just give it time, just be casual. Then we were laying on the couch and I kissed her stomach and she immediately pushed me away and said sorry, and went on to explain that he was the last person to do that during the pregnancy. Its just a constant reminder that i'm second place in her heart. I just felt like complete **** when just a week ago I was everything.

 

After I left last night I had so many emotions and hurt running thru me I didn't know what to say. I mean, this is the first girl i've liked in a long time and then this happens. Just my luck.

 

I finally told her that I deserve better than what she can offer me. I said I had my walls too but she was able to break thru them. She would get defensive at first and be like "whatever then....move on"... I said so am I a tool used to get over this guy? "i dont know"...then she cried and said she doesn't know why she feels this way. And hates that she isn't over him. I asked her if he came back would she take him and she's like "i dont know"...

 

Everyone knows the truth though. The masquerade is done and the only idiot left standing was me. Because as I sit here and miss her so deeply and let her go she's probably sitting there thinking about him. I have a 2 year old son who she met as well and I just dont think its right to meet him and spend time with him and pretend like this is the beginning of one big happy family when its all a LIE.

 

I hate myself because I feel so bad for her situation but I have to take care of myself and my son first.

 

I know this is all cluttered but i just have random emotions all over the place and I dont know how to deal right now. I DIDN'T WANT TO END THIS but I have to respect myself because if I dont respect myself how would she ever respect me?

Edited April 22, 2012 by wmrjw82

[Chi townD]

Believe it or not, you did good. You deserve to be with a girl that knows without a shadow of a doubt, 100% that she wants to be with you and no one else. She was just cooling her heels with you until he Ex finally made the move. I speculate that if he came to her asking for another chance, you would be curbed in a New York minute.

[Woggle]

You did the right thing.

[Professor X]

Man, you did awesome, stay strong and don't give in and go back to her.

 

When push come to shove, you saw how she crumbled and admitted her feelings, do you really wanna be with a girl who thinks of another man? Thinks of some alcoholic drunk while making love to you? You head is in the right place, just keep listening to it. You do yourself and your son a huge favor by removing her from your life. Now it's time for you to move on, and maybe, in the future, you two will meet again, and hopefully by that time she'll be over him.

 

P.S. I agree with Chi, if he were to come over to her, she'd leave you, or at the very least cheat on you for sure (and I'm talking here about the whole 9 yards, not just kissing).

 

Stay strong, it will be better sooner than you think.

[wmrjw82]

Thanks so much for the positive reinforcement guys. I really needed it. I have to stay strong here. I did txt her today and told her my feelings. She's in blame mode. Saying things like "you're the one that ended it"... blah blah... I just told her i have self respect and dignity and i can't be second place in anyone's heart when she's first in mine.

 

I told her if she ever feels like she's able to let go of the past and want a real future to let me know. Her reply, "not after how you just whatever last night" How can she blame me afte she knows what she's doing? I just ended it by telling her for whatever its worth thank you for making me feel so loved and important before last Saturday. I care so much about you and (her son) and I want nothing but happiness for you both always.

 

[Professor X]

How can she blame me afte she knows what she's doing?

How? Simple really, she never liked you in a romantic way, so what you did is just an easy way out for her. She truly, deeply, never wanted a RS with you, and now that you broke up with her, she feels better (sorry). Just a cop out. Her blame shifting shows her true-self. You did good.

[wmrjw82]

having a HORRIBLE day today. Miss her so much and I keep getting the sense she really doesn't give a damn. I feel like I made a mistake in breaking up with her but I can't go back now. So lost. I can't stomach being second place to some other guy...especially a guy like that. Why does it have to be like this?!

 

So freakin' lost.

[wmrjw82]

any words of encouragement guys? Im doing the right thing right? I mean... I have this HUGE guilty complex for ending it. I need to stay strong.... help, PLEASE!

[Chi townD]

DUDE!!!! She freaked out on you for kissing her stomach!! You asked if he wanted her back would she go to him. She said, "I don't know." which translates into "I don't have the guts to tell you to your face that I would!"

 

Remember that! You deserve a girl that WANTS YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! That if you kissed her stomach, she wouldn't push you away but rather hold you tight and say, "OH, you're not done yet!"

 

You deserve that!!!

[wmrjw82]

DUDE!!!! She freaked out on you for kissing her stomach!! You asked if he wanted her back would she go to him. She said, "I don't know." which translates into "I don't have the guts to tell you to your face that I would!"

 

Remember that! You deserve a girl that WANTS YOU AND ONLY YOU!!! That if you kissed her stomach, she wouldn't push you away but rather hold you tight and say, "OH, you're not done yet!"

 

You deserve that!!!

 

I know But all this was spurned from last Saturday when I told her I loved her. She was there 100% (or so it appeared) until those words came out of my mouth. And then she got scared off.

[Chi townD]

That's not your problem dude! You expressed how you felt an she spazzed on you. Which only tells me ONE THING! She wasn't as into you as you were for her. That she was just cooling her heels with you in hopes that her Ex would come back to her. Is that fair to you?

[wmrjw82]

That's not your problem dude! You expressed how you felt an she spazzed on you. Which only tells me ONE THING! She wasn't as into you as you were for her. That she was just cooling her heels with you in hopes that her Ex would come back to her. Is that fair to you?

 

No I guess its not. I guess its a good thing I ended things. Saved her guilt and saved what probalby would have been even more hurt had I stuck around and she broke up with me. Good for everyone involved. Then why I do feel like complete and utter ****?

[Professor X]

No I guess its not. I guess its a good thing I ended things. Saved her guilt and saved what probalby would have been even more hurt had I stuck around and she broke up with me. Good for everyone involved. Then why I do feel like complete and utter ****?

 

because you listened to your head instead of your heart, which is a good thing in the long run. Better you feel hurt now and get healed ASAP then waste a year of your life to find out she cheated on you with that scumbag, and THEN heal up...

 

And don't you dare blame shift this on yourself, it's not your fault she pushed away, and it's not bad that you told her your true feelings.

 

Just remember, she'd run back to him man, she'd let him fu*k her, get it? She'd let him put his penis inside of her and make her moan. She'd whisper in his ears that she loves him. NOT the person you wanna build a life with.

[wmrjw82]

So she txt me last night "by the way I got my period so I guess that's why i've been kinda moody"... wtf?

 

I just responded with how I liked a pic of her son who rolled the other day. And then said I guess I was moody lately too, sorry. She laughed about the picture then said okay in reply to the me being moody txt. After she said okay I just replied with "alright."

 

Never heard from her again the rest of the night. What was the point of this pointless txt? Obviously, that's not excuse for how she's being acting lately....

 

And should I contact her today or in the next couple days? I want to be with her but I want her to know what's she's being doing lately is NOT okay with me!

Edited April 24, 2012 by wmrjw82

[Professor X]

So she txt me last night "by the way I got my period so I guess that's why i've been kinda moody"... wtf?

 

I just responded with how I liked a pic of her son who rolled the other day. And then said I guess I was moody lately too, sorry. She laughed about the picture then said okay in reply to the me being moody txt. After she said okay I just replied with "alright."

 

Never heard from her again the rest of the night. What was the point of this pointless txt? Obviously, that's not excuse for how she's being acting lately....

 

And should I contact her today or in the next couple days? I want to be with her but I want her to know what's she's being doing lately is NOT okay with me!

She knows what she did was not ok, you think she's dumb? You are her backup plan man. She wants another guy. She doesn't want you. And you should forget about her and not contact her. Go find another woman.

[wmrjw82]

She knows what she did was not ok, you think she's dumb? You are her backup plan man. She wants another guy. She doesn't want you. And you should forget about her and not contact her. Go find another woman.

 

I broke up with HER. She may still have feelings for this other guy, but he has a girlfriend and he does not want HER. They wont be getting back together as he seems pretty happy with his current girlfriend. Unless there is another guy out there I dont know about, I seriously doubt i'm a backup plan. I could see that if there was a chance those two would be getting back together, but he'll never accept her kid and she knows it. She just has feelings for him and she's trying to get over it.

 

I haven't contact her at all yesterday until she contacted me saying the "period was because of her moodiness"... I dont plan on contacting her today. I'm not going back until I feel that 100% again. She needs to PROVE to me how she feels. I feel everyone deserves a grieving period and atleast she was honest with me about having some feelings still for the guy.

 

I guess the point of my post today was because I didn't know if she was trying to "test the waters" or what because we didn't end on a good note Sunday night. I know she feels bad but I wont bring up the relationship or us ever again until she starts showing some REAL remorse and I feel her coming back. I know the need for going slow and taking time especially because she never really got any.

 

Good plan or am I way off base here? I guess deep down I believe she's a good person she just needs time.

 

Honest opinions TOTALLY accepted and WANTED...hit me with it!