He ended it and I'm dying

[CH66209]

I suppose my story is not so unique, but it's very painful nonetheless. I'm hoping someone can shed some light on how to cope and what to expect.

I met a man online 18 months ago, We were both married, but a LDR began and we eventually came to meet several times and the relationship became intimate. Though we both maintained that we wanted to keep it casual, inevitably I developed deeper feelings for him. He has since then separated and begun divorce proceedings and relocated several states away. We corresponded several times each day via phone and saw each other as often as possible. Then suddenly, 8 days ago, he emailed me that he wanted more than I could ever give him and broke things off, saying he was seeing someone new. I have not heard from him since. The pain is agonizing. No one in my life knows about this situation, so I have no one to talk to. I suppose I'm lucky to an extent that my family never found out. I have feelings of guilt, rejection, humiliation, and agonizing pain. Has anyone ever been through something like this?

[Patrice]

Are you still married? No judgements here.

[CH66209]

Yes. I know. I'm a horrible wife and mother to be living this lie. The OM has no children, just a soon to be ex-wife and now a new gf. I never expected to fall for this guy, and he's much younger than me. I think I've lost my mind or something.

[woinlove]

Yes. I know. I'm a horrible wife and mother to be living this lie. The OM has no children, just a soon to be ex-wife and now a new gf. I never expected to fall for this guy, and he's much younger than me. I think I've lost my mind or something.

 

I'd recommend counselling. Affairs can be like addiction and the obsession can be difficult to put aside. If you want to stay married, I'd also recommend coming clean to your H. You may not then have the option of staying married, depending on how your H reacts, but I can't see having a satisfying M keeping this big deception between you. I think it affects the whole home environment so it is too bad for the children as well. If you come clean and accept responsibility, at least your H (and most important YOU!) can respect that. Otherwise, I don't see how you can feel good about yourself in the future.

[CH66209]

Thank you for reading and responding. I appreciate that the right thing to do would be to come clean and I believe I will at some point. But right now I am just trying to deal with the pain of losing the OM and trying to understand why he ended it so abruptly. We were so close for several months and now we're suddenly at NC. Any perspective on what's going on with him?

[whichwayisup]

I suppose my story is not so unique, but it's very painful nonetheless. I'm hoping someone can shed some light on how to cope and what to expect.

I met a man online 18 months ago, We were both married, but a LDR began and we eventually came to meet several times and the relationship became intimate. Though we both maintained that we wanted to keep it casual, inevitably I developed deeper feelings for him. He has since then separated and begun divorce proceedings and relocated several states away. We corresponded several times each day via phone and saw each other as often as possible. Then suddenly, 8 days ago, he emailed me that he wanted more than I could ever give him and broke things off, saying he was seeing someone new. I have not heard from him since. The pain is agonizing. No one in my life knows about this situation, so I have no one to talk to. I suppose I'm lucky to an extent that my family never found out. I have feelings of guilt, rejection, humiliation, and agonizing pain. Has anyone ever been through something like this?

 

It's good this happened, otherwise the A would have continued on. He wanted more, you are still married and obviously never had any intention of divorcing your husband and starting over with this MM. He was unhappy in his marriage, separated and is on the way to divorcing.. I know you're in pain, but see the positives in this. NO more lying, cheating, and deceiving your husband. This forces you to face yourself, your choices and hopefully fixing your marriage. Why would you put your marriage, your life as you know it at such risk? To lose everything if you never had any intention of divorcing? The pain you feel I'm sure is real and hurts your heart, but on some level it has to be habit, an addiction and now you're in withdrawal. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

Have you thought about telling your husband the truth so you can fix your marriage?

[MissBee]

Thank you for reading and responding. I appreciate that the right thing to do would be to come clean and I believe I will at some point. But right now I am just trying to deal with the pain of losing the OM and trying to understand why he ended it so abruptly. We were so close for several months and now we're suddenly at NC. Any perspective on what's going on with him?

 

 

Hey Ch66209,

 

I think he told you exactly what's going on with him. Except right now, you're hurt and in shock so don't feel it is enough. This is what's going on:

 

he emailed me that he wanted more than I could ever give him and broke things off, saying he was seeing someone new.

 

I don't think it is anything mystical or a mystery...but that he truly realizes that continuing the A would be pointless. At some point he wants more it seems, so he chose to find someone single who can do that for him.

 

I'm sure he cared for you...but the situation was unfair. He divorced and you stayed married. That huge shift probably made him see how imbalanced the situation was, versus when both of you were married. It probably became even more obvious to him that what he was doing wasn't profitable.

 

Hopefully thinking about that reality helps you to accept it. What would you have had him do? Not end it? Continue being his OM forever or until YOU felt you had enough? I think things ended so that you could assess the situation and what was really going on and what you really want, as your A setup was only a temporary fix and could not have continued forever. Someone had to end it and he just happened to be the one who was brave enough.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for reading and responding. I appreciate that the right thing to do would be to come clean and I believe I will at some point. But right now I am just trying to deal with the pain of losing the OM and trying to understand why he ended it so abruptly. We were so close for several months and now we're suddenly at NC. Any perspective on what's going on with him?

 

He told you, but you're not hearing what he's saying. You can't offer him anything serious (more than what you can give him since you're still married) and he's divorcing, starting over. He met someone else and as painful as it is for you, like it or not, he has a right to the affair with you..It wasn't going to last forever. He ended it because he felt it was best for the A to end so he could get on with his life. It really is that simple if you can see things from another angle.

 

Let's say your husband found out about the A and told you to end it immediately and go no contact with the MM. You would do as your husband told you to do, and you'd hope that the exMM would respect your wishes, leave you alone and stay in NC mode. If you see it like that and apply this to what's happening now, it'll be easier for you to accept.

 

Grieve the loss, seek counselling if need be, and then reach out to your husband so you can fix things at home with him.

[CH66209]

Thank you for trying to help. Another sad element to this story is that my marriage is quite happy. Surely there is an underlying issue that led me to start seeing the OM. I wish I could understand it, but no I don't want to unnecessarily cause pain to my family. They are not perfect but they surely do not deserve this. I think you are right, I am going through withdrawal - maybe not so much from the OM (i don't even think I'm that attracted to him) but the emotional attachment. I miss our correspondence. I guess I miss the excitement. It just came out of nowhere and I lived for it everyday for many, many months. Does this make any sense?

[Patrice]

Decide what YOU want to do, if your marriage needs a repair, you need to be honest with your husband. The OM is free now, that's what happens in these types of things. He walked through the fire and now he has other options.

Who wants to be tied to a married person, who he can't be with when he wants to?

[MissBee]

I think it's normal, in breaks up that we did not decide on, that we feel like more needs to be said, done, it was untimely, abrupt, etc. But I think that just comes from the fact that it wasn't our decision, so their choice will never be satisfactory to us.

 

He at least gave an explanation and did not just disappear. His explanation was one that makes perfect sense and I think when you think about the reality of what you want, how long things would have continued etc...you'll eventually come to "get it" and perhaps even think it was a good thing.

[stillafool]

I would imagine this guy wants to make a fresh start also. He probably wants to eliminate everything from his past that brought him to this point. OP you may have to get some professional counseling to get through this.

[LoveTKO]

Coming from a guy's perspective, there is a very good chance that he was seeing this other woman all along. This idea that he felt he had to move on because he wanted more than you could give him doesn't pass the smell test. Eighteen months is not a n exorbitant time span to have to wait for someone to make up their mind while in an affair. It was just an excuse to "move on".

 

You met him on-line? Married men who troll for dates on-line are habitual skirt chasers looking for excitement. He is seeing several women. Again, I'm just giving you a perspective on how men operate. The internet is a dream come true for married, or single, people looking for hook ups.

[Patrice]

There is something wrong with your marriage then .. I speak from experience.

[woinlove]

Thank you for trying to help. Another sad element to this story is that my marriage is quite happy. Surely there is an underlying issue that led me to start seeing the OM. I wish I could understand it, but no I don't want to unnecessarily cause pain to my family. They are not perfect but they surely do not deserve this. I think you are right, I am going through withdrawal - maybe not so much from the OM (i don't even think I'm that attracted to him) but the emotional attachment. I miss our correspondence. I guess I miss the excitement. It just came out of nowhere and I lived for it everyday for many, many months. Does this make any sense?

 

I don't know if it makes sense, but it is common and likely that is what is happening. Sometimes people involved in affairs get really obsessed and addicted and the ups and downs are intense, when after the finally heal and move on, they wonder what they even saw in the person. It is a heady mix of newness, risk, excitment, fantasy, focus on some needs without mixing more mundane stuff,... If you are very strong, you may get over it yourself in a couple months, but often this can really drag on and then professionals like IC can help.

[MissBee]

Thank you for trying to help. Another sad element to this story is that my marriage is quite happy. Surely there is an underlying issue that led me to start seeing the OM. I wish I could understand it, but no I don't want to unnecessarily cause pain to my family. They are not perfect but they surely do not deserve this. I think you are right, I am going through withdrawal - maybe not so much from the OM (i don't even think I'm that attracted to him) but the emotional attachment. I miss our correspondence. I guess I miss the excitement. It just came out of nowhere and I lived for it everyday for many, many months. Does this make any sense?

 

So what do you feel the OM gave you that your husband did not? Excitement?

 

I don't judge you, as although I am not married, sometimes I fear marriage because I fear becoming bored and I fear what could happen if I do become bored. I'm glad I KNOW this about myself though, before I say "I do" to someone, and therefore it's something I'd address with a partner, relationship counselor and consciously I'd have to have a relationship in which my partner and I understand each other's weaknesses and devise ways to not let them be our downfall. So I do get that....but I do think if you feel your marriage is happy and you just wanted excitement, it's something that can potentially be fixed. Unfortunately though, it can't be fixed in secret without you admitting what transpired first.

[spice4life]

Being single myself, my guess is that he didn't want to live hiding in the shadows anymore. He has now found someone who is free to be fully present in his life and sees the contrast between that and the affair. If you truly love him, even though it hurts, you must let him go. When you love someone, you want them to be happy right? Do you want him to live a half life in the shadows with you as opposed to living the light with someone who is free and available to give him what he wants and needs? He has actually done a very respectful thing. He realized he wasn't in a happy marriage so he stepped up and did the right thing and ended it. He was also honest with you and said the affair wasn't what wanted and let you go too.

 

The only thing you can do is respect that and stay NC and heal yourself. Use the opportunity to dig deep and see why you decided to have an affair inthe first place.

Edited April 21, 2012 by spice4life

[spice4life]

Thank you for trying to help. Another sad element to this story is that my marriage is quite happy. Surely there is an underlying issue that led me to start seeing the OM. I wish I could understand it, but no I don't want to unnecessarily cause pain to my family. They are not perfect but they surely do not deserve this. I think you are right, I am going through withdrawal - maybe not so much from the OM (i don't even think I'm that attracted to him) but the emotional attachment. I miss our correspondence. I guess I miss the excitement. It just came out of nowhere and I lived for it everyday for many, many months. Does this make any sense?

 

I didn't see this response before posting my other resonse. Gosh, if you are in a happy marriage, that's even more reason to dig deep and figure out why you had an affair. He actually did you a favor by ending it. From what you posted above, it seems you were addicted to the attention the OM provided. It's time to turn that need toward your marriage and find a way to rekindle those feelings with your husband. It can be done, you just have to make the effort.

 

But, I also know it is going to take time to get over the hurt. Stay NC and allow yourself to heal and then take steps to fix whatever the issue is in your marriage.

[CH66209]

Wow. Everyone seems to have such a clear view and I'm starting to see. I suppose deep down I know he is doing the right thing. For both of us. I am just struggling with the loss right now. Does anyone have any advice to help me cope with that? I keep praying to hear from him even though I know that would set me back.

 

Thank you so much everyone for helping and not judging.

[Artie Lang]

I suppose deep down I know he is doing the right thing. For both of us.

 

not necessarily true. he's had his fill, and is now moving on to his next conquest.

 

stop looking at it through an altuistic view. there's nothing noble about his actions.

 

you need to come clean to your husband. you put him in a very bad position. not only did you cheat on him, but you've exposed him to STD's.

[whichwayisup]

There is something wrong with your marriage then .. I speak from experience.

 

No, there could very well be something wrong inside of her. Obviously there is because she said her marriage is good. SHE is broken inside and maybe she isn't 'feeling sexually attractive' towards her husband anymore, maybe she just allowed herself to become addicted to the MM and her emotions are more for the MM than her own husband. I'm sure if you ask her husband how the marriage is, he'd say it's good.

[CH66209]

Thank you, Artie. Can you elaborate on "there is nothing noble about his actions"?? He doesn't seem like the type of guy who moves from woman to woman, so this new gf thing shocked me. Also, his wife initiated the divorce, not him, because she wasn't happy, and he was crushed. I truly believed he was a good person and really tried to help him through his pain. Maybe you can help me see him a little more clearly. maybe I can channel some of this pain into just being pissed.

[spice4life]

No, there could very well be something wrong inside of her. Obviously there is because she said her marriage is good. SHE is broken inside and maybe she isn't 'feeling sexually attractive' towards her husband anymore, maybe she just allowed herself to become addicted to the MM and her emotions are more for the MM than her own husband. [bOLD] I'm sure if you ask her husband how the marriage is, he'd say it's good.[/bOLD]

 

To the bolded, I'm not trying to be oppositional wwiu, but he may not say it's good. He probably feels something is a-miss and can't quite put his finger on it. He may be rationalizing it as something else most likely.

 

There's a question for you OP. Has your husband been probing you with any questions while this affair is has been going on? Maybe it hasn't been apparent since you are caught up in the affair fog, but I bet if you really think about it, you may notice that he has been asking questions.

[OpenBook]

I am just struggling with the loss right now. Does anyone have any advice to help me cope with that? I keep praying to hear from him even though I know that would set me back.

 

OK, three things I can think of right off the bat:

 

1) Keep praying! But instead of praying for Mr. Wonderful to contact you again, pray for God to help you through this. Remember, Jesus is the best friend you'll ever have, and He's standing by your side right now, ready to help you.

 

2) Realize that because you really didn't spend a whole lot of time with Mr. Fantastic, you really don't know him all that well. The intense love you're feeling for him could be the result of a whole lot of projecting on your part, searching for magic and beauty that you think he possesses. He's not the answer you're really looking for.

 

3) Distract yourself with activities in which you "lose yourself" (meaning, you're not thinking about yourself). Like, go get a box of chalk and draw on the sidewalk with your kids. Or take them to a great movie. You think you had a few magical experiences here & there with Mr. Genie-In-A-Bottle? In a kid's world, EVERYTHING is magical; they're immersed in it! I wish we could keep that magic going when we become adults. Sigh.

 

Hope that helps. About 99.9% (or thereabouts) of the population has had their heart broken at one point or another. It's really really hard to move on from it. But eventually you do. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can figure things out as you go along; you don't have to solve everything RIGHT NOW. Just keep moving.

[CH66209]

No, my H has no clue. We both have busy schedules and tend to respect each other's privacy. Probably too much. We both travel frequently, so the opportunities were plentiful and the A was very easy to keep under wraps. Does any of this make sense?