He ended it and I'm dying

[woinlove]

There are kids involved here. I think she does need to stabilize herself before she proceeds into the next difficult situation in her life, the decision on whether or not she wants to continue her marriage and tell her husband about the affair.

 

I agree the husband has a right to know, or at least, has the right to be in an honest marriage with an honest person who honors their marriage vows. No argument here on that.

 

I would still like to see her heal first and become as self aware and as stable as possible before proceeding into dealing with the situation of telling her husband and undergoing a possible divorce, child custody, moving to another place to live, seeking employment, child support. It is a huge upheaval for the kids.

 

That requires her to continue living with her children and H and continue hiding this, keeping up the deception. That is a lot of acting and it may be even more difficult now that she feels so bad. What lies is she going to have to tell her H about feeling bad or are you suggesting she just try to pretend she is happy and fine in front of him?

[Artie Lang]

it's 100x worse if he (husband) finds out first.

[Forever Learning]

That requires her to continue living with her children and H and continue hiding this, keeping up the deception. That is a lot of actingand it may be even more difficult now that she feels so bad. What lies is she going to have to tell her H about feeling bad or are you suggesting she just try to pretend she is happy and fine in front of him?

 

I am suggesting she listen to her inner voice to decide how to proceed in all future matters in her life, along with looking outward and learning all she can from others experiences as well.

 

She may not be able to hear that voice at the moment due to her current emotional crisis of just having been dumped, her wounds are fresh, she has just gotten to the 'Emergency Room' to begin the journey of healing from this particular chapter of her life, so to speak.

 

Once the smoke clears in her head, I think she will be better able to decide how she wants to proceed. Just my opinion, we all have one and it's ok if we don't all agree on this (how, when and IF she should tell her husband).

 

I see no real positives at the moment for her to run to tell her husband right now that the dude she was f*cking on the side just dumped her.

Edited April 22, 2012 by Forever Learning

[woinlove]

I am suggesting she listen to her inner voice to decide how to proceed in all future matters in her life, along with looking outward and learning all she can from others experiences as well.

 

She may not be able to hear that voice at the moment due to her current emotional crisis of just having been dumped, her wounds are fresh, she has just gotten to the 'Emergency Room' to begin the journey of healing from this particular chapter of her life, so to speak.

 

Once the smoke clears in her head, I think she will be better able to decide how she wants to proceed. Just my opinion, we all have one and it's ok if we don't all agree on this (how, when and IF she should tell her husband).

 

I see no real positives at the moment for her to run to tell her husband that the dude she was f*cking on the side just dumped her.

 

 

The positives are facing the consequences now in a way that allows her to move to a position of more authenticity and integity and not accumulating even more damage for herself and her family - as well as not continuing to force her H to live a lie without knowing it. I think the continued acting and deception can cause a lot more harm to her and her family. Her inner voice didn't stop her from deception and disloyalty previously, so not sure it is going to guide her to a better place now. Instead, she might have to look critically at the situation, at how she has behaved, at her choices for continuing behavior, and decide what kind of person she really wants to be and what type of marriage she wants, what her family deserves from her.

 

More generally, I think every week of trying to act in a false way with her family is another soul-destroying week for anyone with a heart.

Edited April 22, 2012 by woinlove

[stillafool]

Thank you, Artie. Can you elaborate on "there is nothing noble about his actions"?? He doesn't seem like the type of guy who moves from woman to woman, so this new gf thing shocked me. Also, his wife initiated the divorce, not him, because she wasn't happy, and he was crushed. I truly believed he was a good person and really tried to help him through his pain. Maybe you can help me see him a little more clearly. maybe I can channel some of this pain into just being pissed.

 

If he were a noble man he would not be screwing another man's wife.

[stillafool]

No, my H has no clue. We both have busy schedules and tend to respect each other's privacy. Probably too much. We both travel frequently, so the opportunities were plentiful and the A was very easy to keep under wraps. Does any of this make sense?

 

I think you should tell your h about your affair. You may be surprised to find that he is in one of his own. The amount of time away from each other and all the privacy you both allow each other I wouldn't be surprised at all to find out that your husband is having his own affair. Would you care?

[CH66209]

I think you should tell your h about your affair. You may be surprised to find that he is in one of his own. The amount of time away from each other and all the privacy you both allow each other I wouldn't be surprised at all to find out that your husband is having his own affair. Would you care?

 

I don't think so. There have been incidents where I wondered if something was going on with him. Deleted texts, late night computer time, questionable e-mails, hostility if I asked too many questions. But in the end, I just don't think he has ever crossed the line. I guess you can never be sure. I don't know how I would feel about it if I ever found out he'd had an A. In view of my own deceptive personal history, I don't think I'd freak out or anything.

[Artie Lang]

There have been incidents where I wondered if something was going on with him. Deleted texts, late night computer time, questionable e-mails, hostility if I asked too many questions.

 

you are justifying your affair, by suspecting him of doing the same.

 

 

In view of my own deceptive personal history, I don't think I'd freak out or anything.

 

this current mindset is because of the guilt of your own affair-- you'd give him a free-pass, so why shouldn't he.

 

 

everything you've just posted is classic cheater talk.

[CH66209]

6209, LoveTKO and Artie, are right about this guy. He is an internet sexual predator. I have seen many like him in the Army. Going into chat rooms, forums, swingers sites and dating sites, looking for vulnerable married women. He will say anything and do anything to get sex, and now that sex (with you) is stale as last weeks bread, so he has a new conquest, and will inevitably dump her too. You should talk to her and compare notes, chances are he told her the same lies that he told you, and probably told his wife the same things before. IDK why so many women fall for this rubbish.

 

Thank you. Joe. I awoke this morning feeling a little more enlightened. Your words really helped. I know I'm no innocent victim. Can you provide any more advice on what he may really be. Basically, I met him through a Craigslist listing (I know) while he was married. The LDR Internet A began, then the physical relationship. Then he and his W separated, he relocated. The A continued and we saw each other every couple months. He says he went through extreme loneliness and depression, and made me believd i was what helping him to remain sane. Meanwhile I continued to see his CL solicitations online (including one where he offered $ for sex) which at first he denied ("someone pirated my photos"), but finally admitted the posts were his.he explained as just to ease his loneliness and would never act on it. He said he was only actually seeing me. I cast my gut feelings aside and believed him and continued to see him. Now he tells me he has met someone new (I'm guessing

maybe through CL) and cant have me completely and thus wants more. What are your thoughts? This is not your typical CL douchebag. He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

[LoveTKO]

I don't think so. There have been incidents where I wondered if something was going on with him. Deleted texts, late night computer time, questionable e-mails, hostility if I asked too many questions. But in the end, I just don't think he has ever crossed the line. I guess you can never be sure. I don't know how I would feel about it if I ever found out he'd had an A. In view of my own deceptive personal history, I don't think I'd freak out or anything.

 

 

Would he ever suspect you of having a affair? He'll never know for sure, and you'll never know is he has an affair. The WS/MW that I'm involved with told me flat out that she would deny it till the very end, even if she was caught in bed. The fact that you and your husband "respect each others privacy" can be a red flag in many instances, because from my experience, whenever couples have a lot of private time as due to careers and what not, you eventually grow apart. It's easy to create a whole other life in a marriage when you have too much privacy.

[LoveTKO]

Thank you. Joe. I awoke this morning feeling a little more enlightened. Your words really helped. I know I'm no innocent victim. Can you provide any more advice on what he may really be. Basically, I met him through a Craigslist listing (I know) while he was married. The LDR Internet A began, then the physical relationship. Then he and his W separated, he relocated. The A continued and we saw each other every couple months. He says he went through extreme loneliness and depression, and made me believd i was what helping him to remain sane. Meanwhile I continued to see his CL solicitations online (including one where he offered $ for sex) which at first he denied ("someone pirated my photos"), but finally admitted the posts were his.he explained as just to ease his loneliness and would never act on it. He said he was only actually seeing me. I cast my gut feelings aside and believed him and continued to see him. Now he tells me he has met someone new (I'm guessing

maybe through CL) and cant have me completely and thus wants more. What are your thoughts? This is not your typical CL douchebag. He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

 

 

Are you kidding me? No disrespect, but this is just too easy to figure out. There are so many red flags here, I feel like I'm attending a public rally for a communist gathering.

[jphcbpa]

He is a sex addict, no question.

 

Thank you. Joe. I awoke this morning feeling a little more enlightened. Your words really helped. I know I'm no innocent victim. Can you provide any more advice on what he may really be. Basically, I met him through a Craigslist listing (I know) while he was married. The LDR Internet A began, then the physical relationship. Then he and his W separated, he relocated. The A continued and we saw each other every couple months. He says he went through extreme loneliness and depression, and made me believd i was what helping him to remain sane. Meanwhile I continued to see his CL solicitations online (including one where he offered $ for sex) which at first he denied ("someone pirated my photos"), but finally admitted the posts were his.he explained as just to ease his loneliness and would never act on it. He said he was only actually seeing me. I cast my gut feelings aside and believed him and continued to see him. Now he tells me he has met someone new (I'm guessing

maybe through CL) and cant have me completely and thus wants more. What are your thoughts? This is not your typical CL douchebag. He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

[jphcbpa]

I am a male suggesting she not tell her husband and get herself some help asap

 

if you notice, the people giving you the advice to stay quiet are women. i point that out because they don't think like a man. they have no clue concerning these predators. as Joe has confirmed, men do this ALL THE TIME!

 

believe me when i tell you-- HE IS A PREDATOR.

 

you fell for the oldest trick in the book: hook, line, and sinker.

 

you are in denial.

 

 

 

 

what other reason is there for not telling your husband, other than self-preservation?

 

how much more devastating can it be, if he's in the dark already??? THIS IS NEWS TO HIM!

 

this is more selfishness, because you are healing YOURESLF, and not the marriage, which is what is at stake here. your husband is the other half of this marriage-- the marriage you swore to keep with him; not from him.

[Forever Learning]

she might have to look critically at the situation, at how she has behaved, at her choices for continuing behavior, and decide what kind of person she really wants to be and what type of marriage she wants, what her family deserves from her.

 

I agree whole heartedly.

 

This is exactly why I think she needs time to heal first, from being recently dumped. She needs to stabilize her emotions, and examine herself and determine what it is she wants from her current marriage, before she has any discussions with her husband revealing to him that she had an affair, and to decide whether or not they still want to continue to be married and pursue a future together as a married couple.

 

I think she needs time to heal first before making that decision. She is in a state of trauma right now. Never a good time to open another unknown, "Pandora's Box" of disaster (telling her husband).

 

Just my opinion of course! To each their own.

 

I think every week of trying to act in a false way with her family is another soul-destroying week for anyone with a heart.

 

That's what YOU think. That's how YOU feel.

 

Not everyone agrees with that statement. To each their own, it's all good.

 

 

I think she has plenty of heart.

 

 

I'm not going to throw stones or beat her up in any way for her decisions.

 

Jesus said, let you without sin cast the first stone.

 

She is the one who has to live with them in the long run.

 

It is for her to decide how long she waits to tell her husband, or if she ever tells her husband.

 

**********************************

 

CH66209 (the OP), keep this in mind. Should you tell your husband and he file for divorce, depending on where you live, the judge may be able to use the fact you have had an affair, to determine who gets custody of the kids, and how the assets are divided.

 

Please keep that in the forefront of your mind. All the best to you!

[jphcbpa]

Do not put him an a pedestal. He IS your average CL douche you just can't see it but we all can. Wake up!!!!! Sadly you were just one of many and he probably has stashes all over the country where he travels. Accept this and go to a therapist this week

 

Thank you. Joe. I awoke this morning feeling a little more enlightened. Your words really helped. I know I'm no innocent victim. Can you provide any more advice on what he may really be. Basically, I met him through a Craigslist listing (I know) while he was married. The LDR Internet A began, then the physical relationship. Then he and his W separated, he relocated. The A continued and we saw each other every couple months. He says he went through extreme loneliness and depression, and made me believd i was what helping him to remain sane. Meanwhile I continued to see his CL solicitations online (including one where he offered $ for sex) which at first he denied ("someone pirated my photos"), but finally admitted the posts were his.he explained as just to ease his loneliness and would never act on it. He said he was only actually seeing me. I cast my gut feelings aside and believed him and continued to see him. Now he tells me he has met someone new (I'm guessing

maybe through CL) and cant have me completely and thus wants more. What are your thoughts? This is not your typical CL douchebag. He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

[jphcbpa]

IMO, if she wants to stop and get help then do not tell him. However if she goes to the next "vine" (replacement) then she needs to tell him that she can't be faithful and they need to get help together

[CH66209]

Are you kidding me? No disrespect, but this is just too easy to figure out. There are so many red flags here, I feel like I'm attending a public rally for a communist gathering.

 

LoveTKO, please give it to me straight. I know I've been in denial and I want to get past this. Please tell me what he is and what I'm dealing with. As harsh as it can be, It helps to hear it from other people.

[spice4life]

I don't think so. There have been incidents where I wondered if something was going on with him. Deleted texts, late night computer time, questionable e-mails, hostility if I asked too many questions. But in the end, I just don't think he has ever crossed the line. I guess you can never be sure. I don't know how I would feel about it if I ever found out he'd had an A. In view of my own deceptive personal history, I don't think I'd freak out or anything.

 

Hmm...interesting. I was wondering if your H was doing his own thing too.

 

What exactly do you want out of all this now CH? Do you want a better marriage? Do you want changes and want those changes to be with your husband? I guess those are the questions you should be asking. When you started communicating with this MM, what were you looking for? What was missing and what were your desires before you starting communicating with this guy?

 

Regarding the "predator" theory, the guys may be right...I dunno. Do you have any information on this guy that proves he is actually getting divorced? I admit that I was taking your story at face value. I was assuming that you have verification that he was telling you the truth about his marriage. Do you know where he lives and can you verify it with his wife? Just some things to consider. Doing a little digging may help you with your healing process. If you find out that he was nothing more than a player who used you, it will give you the reality check you need to get over him. With a little ingenuity and the Internet, you can find out what his real deal is. I'm not saying you should expend anymore energy on this guy, but finding out if he was just a predator might help shake you out of any residual denial. It will help you say, "WTF was I doing??!!" And that alone will help you decide what you need to do regarding your marriage.

 

I know telling your husband is a scary thought, but if you come completely clean with every detail, including that you were duped, may give your marriage the wake up call it needs. You would need to then show your husband that you are dedicated to improving the marriage by maintaining complete transparency. He would need to also if you are having doubts about what he is doing. If he doesn't, then you will know something is going on and you will have decisions to make.

 

Sorry for rambling on...didn't mean to.

 

Think about what YOU truly want regarding your life and go from there.

Edited April 22, 2012 by spice4life

[woinlove]

 

 

 

That's what YOU think. That's how YOU feel.

 

Not everyone agrees with that statement. To each their own, it's all good.

 

 

I think she has plenty of heart.

 

 

I'm not going to throw stones or beat her up in any way for her decisions.

 

Jesus said, let you without sin cast the first stone.

 

She is the one who has to live with them in the long run.

 

It is for her to decide how long she waits to tell her husband, or if she ever tells her husband.

 

 

Why are you shouting with bold caps, simply repeating what I said about "I think"?

 

Have you spent years lying to and deceiving your family, to then think about it and decide to continue doing so? If so, how did that work out for you? Maybe a real life experience about how continuing to lie actually works. I've seen plenty of examples where it doesn't work and I know from personal experience that honesty and openness help build a strong and lasting M. But I'm open to hearing about how continuing deception actually worked. Please share. I know many who cheat want to avoid consequences, which seems to just delay them beginning to behave in a way that makes them feel good about themselves - so I'm interested in examples which go beyond this.

[LoveTKO]

LoveTKO, please give it to me straight. I know I've been in denial and I want to get past this. Please tell me what he is and what I'm dealing with. As harsh as it can be, It helps to hear it from other people.

 

I think some of the other posters have summed it up rather well....what else would you like for me to impart? I don't have to say anything because he apparently does a stellar job at conveying his true nature all by himself.

 

I don't want to sound like an angel or hypocrite, but going on Craigslist, or any website, to look for sex, and then having sex with several partners during the same time span is disgusting. Moreover, from a logistical standpoint, the whole LDR idea has got to smell like a rat when you're dealing with a married man. But aside from the fact that he's involved in an extra marital affair, this guy exhibits porcine behavior even he was single.

[CH66209]

IMO, if she wants to stop and get help then do not tell him. However if she goes to the next "vine" (replacement) then she needs to tell him that she can't be faithful and they need to get help together

 

Johcbpa,

I assure you, there will be no other "vine". I am never going through anything like this again. The excitement, attraction, etc I felt with OM are far, far outweighed by the guilt, withdrawal and rejection I feel now.

[woinlove]

Johcbpa,

I assure you, there will be no other "vine". I am never going through anything like this again. The excitement, attraction, etc I felt with OM are far, far outweighed by the guilt, withdrawal and rejection I feel now.

 

Of those three, the rejection is something you can likely get over the most quickly by focussing on the points others have made about his character. It seems he was on the prowl for multiple sex partners and you were one. It doesn't feel good to be used, but there is no need for you to feel rejected by a user. You are actually fortunate that he ended it. Look at his actions and words (he lied to you about his listing) critically and you should realize this is not a man whose opinion of you should matter. What matters is what you think of yourself, and you can start being the person you really want to be starting now.

[Artie Lang]

again-- YOU GOT PLAYED!!! HE USED YOU!!! HE'S A PREDATOR!!!

[alexandria35]

Thank you. Joe. I awoke this morning feeling a little more enlightened. Your words really helped. I know I'm no innocent victim. Can you provide any more advice on what he may really be. Basically, I met him through a Craigslist listing (I know) while he was married. The LDR Internet A began, then the physical relationship. Then he and his W separated, he relocated. The A continued and we saw each other every couple months. He says he went through extreme loneliness and depression, and made me believd i was what helping him to remain sane. Meanwhile I continued to see his CL solicitations online (including one where he offered $ for sex) which at first he denied ("someone pirated my photos"), but finally admitted the posts were his.he explained as just to ease his loneliness and would never act on it. He said he was only actually seeing me. I cast my gut feelings aside and believed him and continued to see him. Now he tells me he has met someone new (I'm guessing

maybe through CL) and cant have me completely and thus wants more. What are your thoughts? This is not your typical CL douchebag. He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

 

If the guy you just described isn't a CL douchebag then please enlighten us to what exactly a typical CL douchebag is in your eyes. Are they all poor and homeless or something? Open your eyes.

 

Open your eyes to your marriage too. Does your husband delete all of his text messages? Some people do. Or does he only delete some text messages? Why does he become hostile when you ask questions? I'm not suggesting that your husband is having an affair but you really seem like you don't want to face reality. Like earlier in the thread you said this AP wasn't the type to sleaze around with different women and then you post how he was totally sleazing around but since he told he wasn't you totally believed it. So I'm guessing your husband can make you believe pretty much anything too.

[Forever Learning]

Why are you shouting with bold caps, simply repeating what I said about "I think"? .

 

I am not shouting at you or anyone with bold caps. This is your knee jerk reactive interpretation to assume that I am.

 

 

Have you spent years lying to and deceiving your family, to then think about it and decide to continue doing so? If so, how did that work out for you? Maybe a real life experience about how continuing to lie actually works. I've seen plenty of examples where it doesn't work and I know from personal experience that honesty and openness help build a strong and lasting M. But I'm open to hearing about how continuing deception actually worked. Please share. I know many who cheat want to avoid consequences, which seems to just delay them beginning to behave in a way that makes them feel good about themselves - so I'm interested in examples which go beyond this.

 

I owe you no explanations, nor do I care to elaborate with answers to your questions or share anything with you.

 

Your tone strikes me as caustic and argumentative in nature.

 

Therefore, you will have to find the examples you seek elsewhere.

 

However I do agree with you that honesty and openness help build a strong relationship. However I differ with you on the timing of giving honesty to the betrayed husband, in this particular situation.

 

The well being and SAFETY of the OP (and her children) are my primary focus in offering help and advice on this particular thread.

 

I am at peace and quite happy to agree to disagree with you. All the best to you. Cheers!

Edited April 22, 2012 by Forever Learning