He ended it and I'm dying

[Patrice]

You can't be in a "good marriage" while embarking in an affair ... common sense .. You need to fix what you are not getting from your husband.

[spice4life]

No, my H has no clue. We both have busy schedules and tend to respect each other's privacy. Probably too much. We both travel frequently, so the opportunities were plentiful and the A was very easy to keep under wraps. Does any of this make sense?

 

Yes, that makes sense.

 

I know it's hard for you right now. You're trying to heal and handle your marriage and family life all at the same time. If you travel, take advantage of the alone time on the road and cry your eyes out, punch the pillows and/or run it out of your system.. When you are at home and feel a emotions surfacing, run an errand or take a shower and cry then. Give yourself the opportunity to let it out when time allows. Throw yourself into the kids, hang out with friends to keep yourself busy as heck also. This will help take the focus off your OM. And when the fog clears, begin to take a look at what happened that lead you here in the first place. Start to think about what would make you happy in your marriage and focus on how to make it happen. Whatever that may be.

 

Hope this helps.

[Forever Learning]

I am just struggling with the loss right now.

 

Does anyone have any advice to help me cope with that?

 

Thank you so much everyone for helping and not judging.

 

Hello! You have gotten some wonderful advice from the experts around here! You are one lucky lady to have such kind and nice folks give their time and wisdom to help you. That is awesome.

 

Yes, I do have advice for you to help you cope. Here's my 2 cents. There are a number of things you can do. I know your brain is in agony. Part of that is chemical, in your brain, having to do with brain chemicals like seratonin and such. You just lost your love interest. Your brain is hurting. I recommend you consider taking an anti-depressant if this continues for very long, to help you along in moving forward and healing.

 

Anti-depressants will knock out some (maybe most) of the sadness, and help you think more clearly in order to move forward with your life. Be sure to take a good multivitamin as well, and an extra B vitamin and D vitamin and Omega 3 and 6 essential fats. Read over in the health sections to learn about how those help fight depression. I just started taking Celexa in the last month, it is FABULOUS (just my opinion).

 

Other things to do: Get busy. Stay busy. Get enough sleep. Exercise (30 minues a day, an hour if you can hack it). Spend more time with you kids, focus on them. You may have inadvertantly neglected them with being caught up focusing on the affair. It happens.

 

Also - read all you can around here. In the other sections as well, the 'Coping' section. The 'Marriage' section. All the relationship sections in Love Shack. Read a number of the old threads here in this particular section (Other Man/Other Woman).

 

In no time at all, you will become more and more enlightened about affairs and why people have them. You will begin to understand both him, and yourself. You won't feel so alone. The smoke will clear, you will gain perspective. Reading about others will give you insight to yourself. That will be an amazing adventure for you, into enlightenment. Once you begin giving kind and loving advice to others, you will start truly feeling helpful, and that is a great feeling. It is all part of the journey of healing. And that's what you really want the most, healing and understanding of what you just went through. It will take some time, but it will happen.

 

Let the journey begin! All the best to you.

[CH66209]

Thank you, Open Book. Good advice and I have been praying for peace, acceptance and strength.

 

If he should try to contact me, should I accept the call? If I do talk to him, any words of wisdom? I feel like he definitely out me in my place. Any reciprocating words?

[spice4life]

Hello! You have gotten some wonderful advice from the experts around here! You are one lucky lady to have such kind and nice folks give their time and wisdom to help you. That is awesome.

 

Yes, I do have advice for you to help you cope. Here's my 2 cents. There are a number of things you can do. I know your brain is in agony. Part of that is chemical, in your brain, having to do with brain chemicals like seratonin and such. You just lost your love interest. Your brain is hurting. I recommend you consider taking an anti-depressant if this continues for very long, to help you along in moving forward and healing.

 

Anti-depressants will knock out some (maybe most) of the sadness, and help you think more clearly in order to move forward with your life. Be sure to take a good multivitamin as well, and an extra B vitamin and D vitamin and Omega 3 and 6 essential fats. Read over in the health sections to learn about how those help fight depression. I just started taking Celexa in the last month, it is FABULOUS (just my opinion).

 

Other things to do: Get busy. Stay busy. Get enough sleep. Exercise (30 minues a day, an hour if you can hack it). Spend more time with you kids, focus on them. You may have inadvertantly neglected them with being caught up focusing on the affair. It happens.

 

Also - read all you can around here. In the other sections as well, the 'Coping' section. The 'Marriage' section. All the relationship sections in Love Shack. Read a number of the old threads here in this particular section (Other Man/Other Woman).

 

In no time at all, you will become more and more enlightened about affairs and why people have them. You will begin to understand both him, and yourself. You won't feel so alone. The smoke will clear, you will gain perspective. Reading about others will give you insight to yourself. That will be an amazing adventure for you, into enlightenment. Once you begin giving kind and loving advice to others, you will start truly feeling helpful, and that is a great feeling. It is all part of the journey of healing. And that's what you really want the most, healing and understanding of what you just went through. It will take some time, but it will happen.

 

Let the journey begin! All the best to you.

 

Excellent post! Great advice here CH.

[Forever Learning]

OK, three things I can think of right off the bat:

 

1) Keep praying! But instead of praying for Mr. Wonderful to contact you again, pray for God to help you through this. Remember, Jesus is the best friend you'll ever have, and He's standing by your side right now, ready to help you.

 

2) Realize that because you really didn't spend a whole lot of time with Mr. Fantastic, you really don't know him all that well. The intense love you're feeling for him could be the result of a whole lot of projecting on your part, searching for magic and beauty that you think he possesses. He's not the answer you're really looking for.

 

3) Distract yourself with activities in which you "lose yourself" (meaning, you're not thinking about yourself). Like, go get a box of chalk and draw on the sidewalk with your kids. Or take them to a great movie. You think you had a few magical experiences here & there with Mr. Genie-In-A-Bottle? In a kid's world, EVERYTHING is magical; they're immersed in it! I wish we could keep that magic going when we become adults. Sigh.

 

Hope that helps. About 99.9% (or thereabouts) of the population has had their heart broken at one point or another. It's really really hard to move on from it. But eventually you do. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can figure things out as you go along; you don't have to solve everything RIGHT NOW. Just keep moving.

 

What FANTASTIC advice! I learned so much, THANK YOU!!

[Forever Learning]

Excellent post! Great advice here CH.

 

Oh gosh,thanks! Here I was admiring another poster's advice as well, and someone was admiring mine! That is too funny! There is plenty of good advice here on this thread. We are all very lucky indeed.

 

I am grateful for you all.

[spice4life]

Thank you, Open Book. Good advice and I have been praying for peace, acceptance and strength.

 

If he should try to contact me, should I accept the call? If I do talk to him, any words of wisdom? I feel like he definitely out me in my place. Any reciprocating words?

 

He ended it, so ignore ignore ignore. You are on your way to healing and you should stay 100% focused on that. If you give in, it will not only set you back, it will probably take you years to disentangle yourself. You have chance to break free and focus on making yourself happy in the right way...don't let him take that away from you!

[Artie Lang]

Can you elaborate on "there is nothing noble about his actions"??

 

well.....you stated in you post that he's doing the "right thing" for the both of you. how so?

 

i mean, he dropped you like a "bad habit" in favor for his new love interest, didn't he? seems like a predator to me. trolling around for his next victim.

 

people who go online to meet women are very suspect to me. who knows how many times he's done this before.

 

you said his wife left him, right? i wonder what was the real reason for her unhappiness. maybe she caught him cheating online.....who knows? i'm sure he's not going to tell you the truth.

 

he sure moved fast from your illicit affair to the GF. he must have been chatting her up for some time, while being in a relationship with you for him to move on that quickly. don't you think?

 

i think you got played.

 

 

Maybe you can help me see him a little more clearly. maybe I can channel some of this pain into just being pissed.

 

it will get more clear over time. i'm not here to do that for you. you have to see it for what it really is/was-- not love, but lust.

 

i do recommend telling your husband about it. like i said, you've exposed him to substantial harm.

 

i agree with the other posters that your marriage wasn't as strong as you thought, or you wouldn't have embarked in this affair. knowing this, you need your husband at your side in order to "fix" things. obviously, you're prolonged time apart, because of work has affected your intimacy.

 

he's totally oblivious to the state of his marriage concerning the fidelity of his wife.....he doesn't deserve that, does he?

[spice4life]

Oh gosh,thanks! Here I was admiring another poster's advice as well, and someone was admiring mine! That is too funny! There is plenty of good advice here on this thread. We are all very lucky indeed.

 

I am grateful for you all.

 

You are very welcome. Your advice was spot on!

[OpenBook]

Thank you, Open Book. Good advice and I have been praying for peace, acceptance and strength.

 

If he should try to contact me, should I accept the call? If I do talk to him, any words of wisdom? I feel like he definitely out me in my place. Any reciprocating words?

 

No, don't even pick it up! Silence is devastatingly effective. He hurt you. You're DONE. Enough of that! No more wasting your precious time & energy on him.

[OpenBook]

What FANTASTIC advice! I learned so much, THANK YOU!!

 

Well, thanks FL! It was just what has worked for me in the past; it may or may not help the OP, but thought I'd put it out there. And right back atcha.

[CH66209]

well.....you stated in you post that he's doing the "right thing" for the both of you. how so?

 

i mean, he dropped you like a "bad habit" in favor for his new love interest, didn't he? seems like a predator to me. trolling around for his next victim.

 

people who go online to meet women are very suspect to me. who knows how many times he's done this before.

 

you said his wife left him, right? i wonder what was the real reason for her unhappiness. maybe she caught him cheating online.....who knows? i'm sure he's not going to tell you the truth.

 

he sure moved fast from your illicit affair to the GF. he must have been chatting her up for some time, while being in a relationship with you for him to move on that quickly. don't you think?

 

i think you got played.

 

 

 

 

it will get more clear over time. i'm not here to do that for you. you have to see it for what it really is/was-- not love, but lust.

 

i do recommend telling your husband about it. like i said, you've exposed him to substantial harm.

 

i agree with the other posters that your marriage wasn't as strong as you thought, or you wouldn't have embarked in this affair. knowing this, you need your husband at your side in order to "fix" things. obviously, you're prolonged time apart, because of work has affected your intimacy.

 

he's totally oblivious to the state of his marriage concerning the fidelity of his wife.....he doesn't deserve that, does he?

 

I understand what you are saying, though I just somehow don't see him as one to sleaze around for numerous women. I guess you never know though. And I will schedule a physical exam to check myself out for potential STD's. Thank you for the advice. I think I'm starting to see him more clearly and realizing he ain't so great after all. Everyone is right- I became addicted to the thrill, attention, excitement, etc. the tears are becoming less frequent and I will try to adhere to NC. Thank you all so much.

[jphcbpa]

I recommend NOT telling your husband. Get a therapist and try an SLAA meeting (women's meetings only). You need to discover the real you that you have been running from with this affair. NC is a must. You must get out of this addiction and NC is the best starting point. The affair was an illusion. The energy left when he got divorced, it would only work if you both had remained married. Don't replace him with another man. It is going to suck for months but you must go through the pain of withdrawal. Embrace it now or later with more wreckage.

[bentnotbroken]

I recommend NOT telling your husband. Get a therapist and try an SLAA meeting (women's meetings only). You need to discover the real you that you have been running from with this affair. NC is a must. You must get out of this addiction and NC is the best starting point. The affair was an illusion. The energy left when he got divorced, it would only work if you both had remained married. Don't replace him with another man. It is going to suck for months but you must go through the pain of withdrawal. Embrace it now or later with more wreckage.

 

 

Why shouldn't she tell her husband?

[jphcbpa]

Why shouldn't she tell her husband?

 

Too much at this time. No new hurts. She needs to work on herself and get to the core. Telling him only makes things worse. It is over

[CH66209]

I recommend NOT telling your husband. Get a therapist and try an SLAA meeting (women's meetings only). You need to discover the real you that you have been running from with this affair. NC is a must. You must get out of this addiction and NC is the best starting point. The affair was an illusion. The energy left when he got divorced, it would only work if you both had remained married. Don't replace him with another man. It is going to suck for months but you must go through the pain of withdrawal. Embrace it now or later with more wreckage.

 

Wow, jphcbpa. You really seem to get it. I hadn't looked at it that way, but you are right. The A was destined to end soon after his marriage did. Wow. So he's gone from a marriage with an A to a new gf and ending the A in a matter of months. What do you see happening for him in the future?? Thank you.

[Forever Learning]

Too much at this time. No new hurts. She needs to work on herself and get to the core. Telling him only makes things worse. It is over

 

I agree. Telling her husband right now might be too much disaster at one time.

 

I think she needs time to heal and work on finding herself and sorting out her feelings about everything, including if she really wants to continue in her current marriage or not. She needs time to reflect on things. Just my opinion of course.

[whichwayisup]

It is possible that while he was having the A with you, he had another OW on the side too. He ended his marriage and now he's with her.

[jphcbpa]

Wow, jphcbpa. You really seem to get it. I hadn't looked at it that way, but you are right. The A was destined to end soon after his marriage did. Wow. So he's gone from a marriage with an A to a new gf and ending the A in a matter of months. What do you see happening for him in the future?? Thank you.

 

This is not about him, neither was the affair. This is about you and the void you were trying to fill with the A. That is what your focus needs to be. I know it hurts, I know you lost yourself in him, I know you don't know what was real, I know you have questions, i know you keep replaying everything that happened, i know you don't know where you end and he begins. Drug addicts feel this same way. You have been loaded on the love drug, it is time to sober up with no contact. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done. You will need help.

Edited April 22, 2012 by jphcbpa

[JustJoe]

6209, LoveTKO and Artie, are right about this guy. He is an internet sexual predator. I have seen many like him in the Army. Going into chat rooms, forums, swingers sites and dating sites, looking for vulnerable married women. He will say anything and do anything to get sex, and now that sex (with you) is stale as last weeks bread, so he has a new conquest, and will inevitably dump her too. You should talk to her and compare notes, chances are he told her the same lies that he told you, and probably told his wife the same things before. IDK why so many women fall for this rubbish.

[Furious]

It is sad but true, many people are victims of their own insecurity, they look for outside validation from strangers lurking on websites, and so want to believe what they want to hear.

 

They pet the wolf and cry when it bites.

[Artie Lang]

I recommend NOT telling your husband. Get a therapist and try an SLAA meeting (women's meetings only). You need to discover the real you that you have been running from with this affair.

 

if you notice, the people giving you the advice to stay quiet are women. i point that out because they don't think like a man. they have no clue concerning these predators. as Joe has confirmed, men do this ALL THE TIME!

 

believe me when i tell you-- HE IS A PREDATOR.

 

you fell for the oldest trick in the book: hook, line, and sinker.

 

you are in denial.

 

 

I agree. Telling her husband right now might be too much disaster at one time.

 

 

I think she needs time to heal and work on finding herself and sorting

out her feelings about everything, including if she really wants to continue in

her current marriage or not. She needs time to reflect on things. Just my

opinion of course.

 

what other reason is there for not telling your husband, other than self-preservation?

 

how much more devastating can it be, if he's in the dark already??? THIS IS NEWS TO HIM!

 

this is more selfishness, because you are healing YOURESLF, and not the marriage, which is what is at stake here. your husband is the other half of this marriage-- the marriage you swore to keep with him; not from him.

Edited April 22, 2012 by Artie Lang

[woinlove]

I recommend NOT telling your husband. Get a therapist and try an SLAA meeting (women's meetings only). You need to discover the real you that you have been running from with this affair. NC is a must. You must get out of this addiction and NC is the best starting point. The affair was an illusion. The energy left when he got divorced, it would only work if you both had remained married. Don't replace him with another man. It is going to suck for months but you must go through the pain of withdrawal. Embrace it now or later with more wreckage.

 

What kind of marriage do people have that have an 18 month affair and keep this secret? I mean, other than a short marriage which ends. What if she actually more out of marriage, wants a real connection and real intimacy with her H? I don't think it is good for her to give up on that, because she'll just look for it with another OM in the future. Also, how can one feel about themselves when they continue to lie and deceive their family? Isn't the OP going to feel worse about herself if she values loyalty and honesty? I would think that can eat at your self-esteem and your soul until you give up and become the type of person that can just live with your family everyday knowing they don't know the real you and would not want to.

[Forever Learning]

what other reason is there for not telling your husband, other than self-preservation?

 

 

There are kids involved here. I think she does need to stabilize herself before she proceeds into the next difficult situation in her life, the decision on whether or not she wants to continue her marriage and tell her husband about the affair.

 

I agree the husband has a right to know, or at least, has the right to be in an honest marriage with an honest person who honors their marriage vows. No argument here on that.

 

I would still like to see her heal first and become as self aware and as stable as possible before proceeding into dealing with the situation of telling her husband and undergoing a possible divorce, child custody, moving to another place to live, seeking employment, child support. It is a huge upheaval for the kids.