He ended it and I'm dying

[woinlove]

I am not shouting at you or anyone with bold caps. This is your knee jerk reactive interpretation to assume that I am.

 

 

 

I owe you no explanations, nor do I care to elaborate with answers to your questions or share anything with you.

 

Your tone strikes me as caustic and argumentative in nature.

 

Therefore, you will have to find the examples you seek elsewhere.

 

However I do agree with you that honesty and openness help build a strong relationship. However I differ with you on the timing of giving honesty to the betrayed husband, in this particular situation.

 

The well being and SAFETY of the OP (and her children) are my primary focus in offering help and advice on this particular thread.

 

I am at peace and quite happy to agree to disagree with you. All the best to you. Cheers!

 

If you simply meant to emphasize that I started my posted statement with "I think", I apologize for thinking your repeating it a couple times in bolded caps meant otherwise. Obviously, everyone here is posting their own opinions and arguments.

 

Actually, I think it would be useful for the OP to hear of any example where continuing to hide an affair helped and didn't accumulate more damage. If she is worried about violence or abuse from her H, then I certainly agree that one needs to get to a protected location first. However, that didn't sound like the situation here.

[findingnemo]

Thank you. Joe. I awoke this morning feeling a little more enlightened. Your words really helped. I know I'm no innocent victim. Can you provide any more advice on what he may really be. Basically, I met him through a Craigslist listing (I know) while he was married. The LDR Internet A began, then the physical relationship. Then he and his W separated, he relocated. The A continued and we saw each other every couple months. He says he went through extreme loneliness and depression, and made me believd i was what helping him to remain sane. Meanwhile I continued to see his CL solicitations online (including one where he offered $ for sex) which at first he denied ("someone pirated my photos"), but finally admitted the posts were his.he explained as just to ease his loneliness and would never act on it. He said he was only actually seeing me. I cast my gut feelings aside and believed him and continued to see him. Now he tells me he has met someone new (I'm guessing

maybe through CL) and cant have me completely and thus wants more. What are your thoughts? This is not your typical CL douchebag. He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

 

Please explain (if you want to) why you were on Craig's List and how you ended up being with this guy.

[Forever Learning]

If you simply meant to emphasize that I started my posted statement with "I think", I apologize for thinking your repeating it a couple times in bolded caps meant otherwise. Obviously, everyone here is posting their own opinions and arguments.

 

Actually, I think it would be useful for the OP to hear of any example where continuing to hide an affair helped and didn't accumulate more damage. If she is worried about violence or abuse from her H, then I certainly agree that one needs to get to a protected location first. However, that didn't sound like the situation here.

 

Fair enough!

 

**********************

 

One thing I would like to elaborate on, for anyone whose eyeballs are reading this, is that safety is always the PRIMARY concern whenever a woman reveals to her husband or boyfriend that she has participated in an affair (or any type of sexual or emotional activity) with another man.

 

Please keep in mind that women are many many times more likely to be murdered by their husband or boyfriend, than a stranger. Sad but true.

 

A man's reaction to this news is NEVER PREDICTABLE. Men who have never been known to become violent, can indeed become violent, upon hearing news of this nature. Of course, not all men react to this extreme. The bottom line is, one never knows for sure, what the reaction will be.

 

Therefore, regardless as to whether the OP has mentioned that the husband/boyfriend is perceived as a threat or not or likely to have a possibly violent reaction or not, it must be assumed that there is a possible threat of danger in any situation in which a woman reveals this type of information to a man she is in some type of relationship with or to a man who has strong feelings towards her.

 

It is simply ill advised and quite naive to pretend this risk does not exist, and there are many murdered women who, likely through no fault of their own, did not understand or were naive to this concept or underestimated the risk involved with revealing this type of information.

Edited April 22, 2012 by Forever Learning

[woinlove]

While I don't disagree with your warning about what CAN happen, it's ironic considering the OP was on craig's list......looking for an affair and she CONTINUED an affair with him after the man posted ads for PAID sex. So......hello, how much more high risk can one get than that?

 

I'm not making a moral judgement, I'm talking about extremely high risk choices here which doesn't realistically compare to telling her husband because she hasn't mentioned her husband having any violent history.

 

OP needs to realize just how risky her choices have been and needs to get tested for STD's now.

 

I agree with this.

 

Murders related to infidelity seem to happen (although rarely) on all sides of the triangle, with APs sometimes murdering the MM/MW or the BS. So, one could argue the BH's life has also been put in danger in multiple ways. Testing for STDs, including followups as needed to detect some STDs, is good advice.

[stillafool]

He's a young professional, career focused and very successful.

 

You are dealing with a Player. He isn't waiting around for you to leave your H so you can be with him. I doubt seriously this guy wants another man's wife and kids. He is saying and doing whatever to get what he wants when he wants it. Now he is on to the next one or as WWIU said he's gone back to his gf who BTW probably has no idea that he chats and cheats.

[stillafool]

Fair enough!

 

**********************

 

One thing I would like to elaborate on, for anyone whose eyeballs are reading this, is that safety is always the PRIMARY concern whenever a woman reveals to her husband or boyfriend that she has participated in an affair (or any type of sexual or emotional activity) with another man.

 

Please keep in mind that women are many many times more likely to be murdered by their husband or boyfriend, than a stranger. Sad but true.

 

A man's reaction to this news is NEVER PREDICTABLE. Men who have never been known to become violent, can indeed become violent, upon hearing news of this nature. Of course, not all men react to this extreme. The bottom line is, one never knows for sure, what the reaction will be.

 

Therefore, regardless as to whether the OP has mentioned that the husband/boyfriend is perceived as a threat or not or likely to have a possibly violent reaction or not, it must be assumed that there is a possible threat of danger in any situation in which a woman reveals this type of information to a man she is in some type of relationship with or to a man who has strong feelings towards her.

 

It is simply ill advised and quite naive to pretend this risk does not exist, and there are many murdered women who, likely through no fault of their own, did not understand or were naive to this concept or underestimated the risk involved with revealing this type of information.

 

 

I understand completely. However there are ways to reveal an affair without doing it in private. A woman can use a counselor, clergy man, family members, etc., if they feel their spouse poses a threat. I do feel that if one is with such a violent person and accepts them as such why wouldn't they also fear getting involved in an affair and what the consequences would be if found out.

[wannabdone]

I haven't read the entire thread, but quite simply, I think the guy is a player. He is trolling on craigslist for a side piece, and he is dating someone else.

 

You certainly can not begin to think that finding someone on craiglist will turn out than anything other than painful. Craiglist is known for cheap pieces of crap, whether its furniture or men.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, but I think you need to go to IC. Like yesterday. I know an A is an A is an A.... but this is not someone you met and work and developed feelings for, blah blah blah. You actively were seeking someone to have an A with. That blows my mind. I can see why you don't want to tell your H, because I am sure he would be gone in a heart beat. But, you need to stop worrying about what consquences will happen, what everyone else is thinking... and worry about you. You need help with your inner demons, and NO relationship you will ever have will be successful until you do so.

 

I wish you the best.

[Forever Learning]

 

CH66209 (the OP), keep this in mind. Should you tell your husband and he file for divorce, depending on where you live, the judge may be able to use the fact you have had an affair, to determine who gets custody of the kids, and how the assets are divided.

 

Please keep that in the forefront of your mind. All the best to you!

 

Along with this thought:

 

IF the OP (CH66209) chooses to tell her husband about the affair (I'm NOT saying she should, that is entirely up to her and what is in her best interest along with safety concerns) - she should do so in the safest way possible, I would also add that to me it doesn't factor into the equation how 'stupid' or 'not stupid' her choice of meeting someone on Craig's List was.

 

That choice is in the past.

 

My focus is on her safety and healing in this present moment and in the future.

 

And, just because she MAY have made a risky choice by meeting someone on Craig's List (I say MAY because that is an opinion by some people, and not a concrete fact, per se) does not mean that she should continue with other risky behavior such as telling her husband about the affair if it is not in her best interest to do so, for whatever reason.

 

There is no correlation between the two items (taking a risk on Craig's List, and taking a risk in telling her husband if it would be a bad idea to do so).

 

No correlation. Taking one risk in the past does not make the another choice in the future any less risky. The two concepts are completely independant of one another.

 

While I don't disagree with your warning about what CAN happen, it's ironic considering the OP was on craig's list......looking for an affair and she CONTINUED an affair with him after the man posted ads for PAID sex. So......hello, how much more high risk can one get than that?

 

I'm not making a moral judgement, I'm talking about extremely high risk choices here which doesn't realistically compare to telling her husband because she hasn't mentioned her husband having any violent history.

 

OP needs to realize just how risky her choices have been and needs to get tested for STD's now.

 

Yes I agree getting tested for STD's is a wise choice.

[CH66209]

Along with this thought:

 

IF the OP (CH66209) chooses to tell her husband about the affair (I'm NOT saying she should, that is entirely up to her and what is in her best interest along with safety concerns) - she should do so in the safest way possible, I would also add that to me it doesn't factor into the equation how 'stupid' or 'not stupid' her choice of meeting someone on Craig's List was.

 

That choice is in the past.

 

My focus is on her safety and healing in this present moment and in the future.

 

And, just because she MAY have made a risky choice by meeting someone on Craig's List (I say MAY because that is an opinion by some people, and not a concrete fact, per se) does not mean that she should continue with other risky behavior such as telling her husband about the affair if it is not in her best interest to do so, for whatever reason.

 

There is no correlation between the two items (taking a risk on Craig's List, and taking a risk in telling her husband if it would be a bad idea to do so).

 

No correlation. Taking one risk in the past does not make the another choice in the future any less risky. The two concepts are completely independant of one another.

 

 

 

Yes I agree getting tested for STD's is a wise choice.

 

Thank you again for the good advice and for not judging. I am into day 9 of NC and find myself checking for messages from him less and less often. I am trying to come to terms with everything that has happened and what I have done, with putting my family at risk and the damage to myself. Those fleeting moments when OM made me feel so alive and happy were so not worth this now. And you know what? There were many moments when he left me feeling pretty awful about myself as well. And like I had said earlier- I really was never that attracted to him. It was the excitement. I know I have a long way to go, but your postings here have helped me to begin healing. Thank you all for your thoughts and words.

[jphcbpa]

Congrats on 9 days. That is a looooong time. I still suggest a therapist / woman's group for you to take a look at some deeper issues.

 

 

Thank you again for the good advice and for not judging. I am into day 9 of NC and find myself checking for messages from him less and less often. I am trying to come to terms with everything that has happened and what I have done, with putting my family at risk and the damage to myself. Those fleeting moments when OM made me feel so alive and happy were so not worth this now. And you know what? There were many moments when he left me feeling pretty awful about myself as well. And like I had said earlier- I really was never that attracted to him. It was the excitement. I know I have a long way to go, but your postings here have helped me to begin healing. Thank you all for your thoughts and words.

[Artie Lang]

reality is setting in. you were in fantasyland.

[Forever Learning]

Thank you again for the good advice and for not judging. I am into day 9 of NC and find myself checking for messages from him less and less often. I am trying to come to terms with everything that has happened and what I have done, with putting my family at risk and the damage to myself. Those fleeting moments when OM made me feel so alive and happy were so not worth this now. And you know what? There were many moments when he left me feeling pretty awful about myself as well. And like I had said earlier- I really was never that attracted to him. It was the excitement. I know I have a long way to go, but your postings here have helped me to begin healing. Thank you all for your thoughts and words.

 

You are so very welcome!! I am so honored, and grateful, to be able to help you in your time need!!

 

As you have figured out by now, healing is a long term process that happens a little bit at a time. I would suggest, as another kind poster did, that individual counseling ('IC') could be of benefit to you. Maybe also consider anti-depressants if you find yourself slipping into depression.

 

Reading all you can around here, to learn from the experiences of others and broaden your life view and enlighten yourself in all ways. A couple other websites that I enjoy are these:

 

Baggage Reclaim - The Dating & Relationship blog | relationship advice | emotional unavailability | commitment | self-esteem | dating advice | communication in relationships | being the other woman

 

Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott

 

Of course there are so many others out there, and great self help books as well. The list is endless. But the reading is worthwhile, in broadening your view of life and the human condition, and assisting in figuring out yourself and what you want out of life.

 

By the way, and as a cautionary note: the problem with baring your soul on an internet forum as you did, is that you are always at risk of being bullied by those with a chip on their shoulder in life.

 

Don't let anything anyone said here bring you down.

 

Continue with the 'no contact' with this guy as your best source of healing.

 

Continue reading all you can, and when the smoke clears for you, you will better know how to proceed forward in your life and where you want to go from here. Down the road, another great form of healing is helping others, in a kind, supportive and positive fashion, as I have done with you.

 

It's good karma and it feels good too.

 

It will be fun, and satisfying for you, when you are finally ready to help others as well, as I have helped you.

 

Chin up and hang in there. You can do it!

 

The really great news is this: Life is good. Especially as you figure yourself out, more and more.

 

Good luck in your journey moving forward and upward. God bless and all the best to you.

 

 

Footnote: If you do decide to seek a divorce, an attorney will be your best source of guidance regarding any legal ramifications of having had an affair, should you choose to disclose this information to your spouse or anyone around you who could inform your spouse. I personally would not consider telling anyone in your life about the affair, until you have done some legal research regarding the laws in your state, and consulted with an attorney about this matter. Most attorneys will consult with you for a small fee or no charge, and what you discuss with the attorney is confidential. That would be your best bet for legal advice should you consider divorce. And, you may want to consult with more than one attorney, to find one you like, and you might learn a little more at each consultation. This is just the process of becoming legally informed about divorce, should you consider it. Cheers again and good luck either way.

Edited April 23, 2012 by Forever Learning

[woinlove]

CH66209, as you have posted more, it seems like IC could be a big benefit to you. You describe your M as happy, but this seems to conflict with how you got involved with this man from the internet and how you describe your H.

 

As FL points out, you might also want to consider divorce given your actions and where your head is and has been at. Children can sometimes be better cared for by divorced parents than by married parents, provided the parents are committed to their childrens' well-being and strive to treat each other with respect as parents. The respect in your home is in tatters, but with commitment and determination, that could be repaired, either through divorce or through coming clean and having both you and your H committed to building a new M. As others have pointed out, the latter may be very unlikely, but we don't know all the details as you do.

[CH66209]

You are so very welcome!! I am so honored, and grateful, to be able to help you in your time need!!

 

As you have figured out by now, healing is a long term process that happens a little bit at a time. I would suggest, as another kind poster did, that individual counseling ('IC') could be of benefit to you. Maybe also consider anti-depressants if you find yourself slipping into depression.

 

Reading all you can around here, to learn from the experiences of others and broaden your life view and enlighten yourself in all ways. A couple other websites that I enjoy are these:

 

Baggage Reclaim - The Dating & Relationship blog | relationship advice | emotional unavailability | commitment | self-esteem | dating advice | communication in relationships | being the other woman

 

Surviving a Narcissist - The Path Forward | Lisa E. Scott

 

Of course there are so many others out there, and great self help books as well. The list is endless. But the reading is worthwhile, in broadening your view of life and the human condition, and assisting in figuring out yourself and what you want out of life.

 

By the way, and as a cautionary note: the problem with baring your soul on an internet forum as you did, is that you are always at risk of being bullied by those with a chip on their shoulder in life.

 

Don't let anything anyone said here bring you down.

 

Continue with the 'no contact' with this guy as your best source of healing.

 

Continue reading all you can, and when the smoke clears for you, you will better know how to proceed forward in your life and where you want to go from here. Down the road, another great form of healing is helping others, in a kind, supportive and positive fashion, as I have done with you.

 

It's good karma and it feels good too.

 

It will be fun, and satisfying for you, when you are finally ready to help others as well, as I have helped you.

 

Chin up and hang in there. You can do it!

 

The really great news is this: Life is good. Especially as you figure yourself out, more and more.

 

Good luck in your journey moving forward and upward. God bless and all the best to you.

 

 

Footnote: If you do decide to seek a divorce, an attorney will be your best source of guidance regarding any legal ramifications of having had an affair, should you choose to disclose this information to your spouse or anyone around you who could inform your spouse. I personally would not consider telling anyone in your life about the affair, until you have done some legal research regarding the laws in your state, and consulted with an attorney about this matter. Most attorneys will consult with you for a small fee or no charge, and what you discuss with the attorney is confidential. That would be your best bet for legal advice should you consider divorce. And, you may want to consult with more than one attorney, to find one you like, and you might learn a little more at each consultation. This is just the process of becoming legally informed about divorce, should you consider it. Cheers again and good luck either way.

 

Forever Learning, is it possible I might be able to send you a personal message. I'd like to ask your opinion about something and I'd rather not post it here. Thank you, CH.

[CH66209]

I started a new LS thread under the Gender and Sexual

identity section entitled "Might he be gay or bicurious?" Can you guys take a look and give me your thoughts?

[woinlove]

I started a new LS thread under the Gender and Sexual

identity section entitled "Might he be gay or bicurious?" Can you guys take a look and give me your thoughts?

 

Sorry, I'm no expert on sex addiction or bisexuality so I can't help you there. Again, I'd like to emphasize that IC could be a big help to you. You are a wife and mother and here you are trying to figure out if MM who solicited multiple hookups on CL might be interested in both men and women. Believe me, 5 years down the road it is not going to matter one iota to your life whether this man is a sex addict, bi, straight, or whatever. He dumped you and I am positive that he did you a huge favor in doing so. You have the greatest gift life can offer, imo -- children. You can again become engaged with what really matters and either divorce or recommit to your M and focus on these wonderful young people. All that will matter a lot 5 years from now. IC might help you get there.

Edited April 27, 2012 by woinlove

[spice4life]

I read your thread in the other section and I don't see anything that stands out regarding bi sexual or gay. How was your sex life with him? Did he appear to have a low libido when it comes to sex meaning, was he a one and done kinda guy? Suddenly being obbsessed with working could mean he is trying to impress a new gf.

 

It's hard to say based on what you wrote. That aside though, it is quite common for an OW to search for answers when the affair ends because the nature of the relationship is so secretive. It makes your mind wonder...ya know? In any case, I agree with the one poster in that thread that said to get checked for std's right away. Lord knows how many people this guy has been with through CL. You dodged a massive bullet.

[Forever Learning]

Forever Learning, is it possible I might be able to send you a personal message. I'd like to ask your opinion about something and I'd rather not post it here. Thank you, CH.

 

Of course. I think you need to have 50 posts in order to send PM's.

 

Sorry I did not see your post here until just now. I wasn't ignoring you!

 

I shall read your other thread in the other section shortly. Hang in there.

 

I am glad you went ahead and posted in the other section. I am a big advocate of getting a variety of opinions on matters, so that you can get all types of insight, and weed through things, over time, to determine what you believe to be true and helpful to your situation, and cast aside the other bits of unhelpful advice.

 

It's like fishing! Throw back the stuff that isn't a 'keeper'.

 

Talk soon.

[Forever Learning]

Of course. I think you need to have 50 posts in order to send PM's.

 

 

I should add, - I see you are at 20 posts or so, 'CH66209'.

 

So, if you go and make a bunch of little itty bitty posts on a variety of threads and sections around Love Shack, and you will be at 50 posts in a matter of minutes. I don't know why they have the '50 posts' rule in order to allow PM rights. Something to do with Trolls I think. Chow for now.

[woinlove]

It's 50 posts and 30 days, so CH66209 might have to wait a bit yet. This rule and others are discussed under General - LS Questions.

 

CH66209, in my above post, I didn't mean to suggest it would be easy shifting your focus away from OM. As another pointed out, you wondering about him is understandable, but I do think every effort you make, every step you take, to shifting your focus to yourself and your family, will bring you closer to a better place. On the flip side, by focussing on OM, while understandable, you are missing some important and wonderful things that you won't get a do-over for.

[CH66209]

He broke NC. He texted me 9 hours ago with a simple "Hi". I have not responded. Is this a genuine friendly Hi, or is it a sadistic confirmation he's looking for that says he's in control? After 15 days?!!! Help!!!

[81West]

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you for some reason elected to lay waste to his heart would you have felt obligated to do more than text (lazy and easy) him 'Hi" (two letters)? This is nothing and doesn't deserve a response. Take this small 'victory' as a small but significant shift in power back to you and use it for YOU. This guy has shown every indication - a shocking level of indication - of being a completely risky and irresponsible player. It's totally understandable that you need more time to see that in a way that feels unclouded and certain, so please please give it to yourself and do not respond to "Hi".

[CH66209]

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you for some reason elected to lay waste to his heart would you have felt obligated to do more than text (lazy and easy) him 'Hi" (two letters)? This is nothing and doesn't deserve a response. Take this small 'victory' as a small but significant shift in power back to you and use it for YOU. This guy has shown every indication - a shocking level of indication - of being a completely risky and irresponsible player. It's totally understandable that you need more time to see that in a way that feels unclouded and certain, so please please give it to yourself and do not respond to "Hi".

 

Thank you, 81West...... I'm trying!!!!!!!!

[Forever Learning]

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you for some reason elected to lay waste to his heart would you have felt obligated to do more than text (lazy and easy) him 'Hi" (two letters)? This is nothing and doesn't deserve a response. Take this small 'victory' as a small but significant shift in power back to you and use it for YOU. This guy has shown every indication - a shocking level of indication - of being a completely risky and irresponsible player. It's totally understandable that you need more time to see that in a way that feels unclouded and certain, so please please give it to yourself and do not respond to "Hi".

 

I totally agree with this! Well done, 81West! Yes, IGNORE HIM.

 

The power has definitely shifted to you now. IGNORE!!!!

 

This is game playing by him. He wants a response by you, to make sure you are still his little 'sex puppet'. No thank you. You've been DYING over this while he went on his jolly way with some new woman (who he may have had going on the side for God knows how long). Screw that noise!!

 

And how many others has he been with on Craigs List in the past 15 days (and further back!)?!

 

Please try to hang in there, and keep busy with other distractions. Maybe read in the coping section, where others are trying whole-heartedly to maintain "No Contact". Read all you can, and the other links I provided as well.

 

I will make an yahoo email address and post it here later so you can contact me (without having to wait the 30 days for the PM rights to kick in). I'm sorry I can't at the moment but I will as soon as I can. Hang in there! And keep posting here, and helping others by supporting them as well in their struggles. It is good karma and it will help you feel less alone in all this. God bless and talk soon.

[CH66209]

I totally agree with this! Well done, 81West! Yes, IGNORE HIM.

 

The power has definitely shifted to you now. IGNORE!!!!

 

This is game playing by him. He wants a response by you, to make sure you are still his little 'sex puppet'. No thank you. You've been DYING over this while he went on his jolly way with some new woman (who he may have had going on the side for God knows how long). Screw that noise!!

 

And how many others has he been with on Craigs List in the past 15 days (and further back!)?!

 

Please try to hang in there, and keep busy with other distractions. Maybe read in the coping section, where others are trying whole-heartedly to maintain "No Contact". Read all you can, and the other links I provided as well.

 

I will make an yahoo email address and post it here later so you can contact me (without having to wait the 30 days for the PM rights to kick in). I'm sorry I can't at the moment but I will as soon as I can. Hang in there! And keep posting here, and helping others by supporting them as well in their struggles. It is good karma and it will help you feel less alone in all this. God bless and talk soon.

 

 

Thank you so much, FL. You are helping me so much.