fOM/OW/WS/BS- When did the reality click?

[FightClub]

Reading through some threads recently about the ending of affairs, either by OM/OW or WS, I see some of the cold reality that really hits people when the end is near or has ended and the BS that are doing all they can to work with WS to save the marriage in question.

 

It's such a painful process to go through when you have to detach from that relationship but the end result can be a great way to start things new without the baggage of what came before, it will always be there but what you do from this point on can lead to new experiences, better choices.

 

So, what was it? What triggered that moment where you recognized you were getting less than you deserved? Or that you realized you either were or weren't happy in the marriage, if you could pinpoint what/how it happened, what can you say looking forward now?

 

What would you say to anyone who is somewhere in-between the breaking point of the end of an affair?

 

It could possibly help a lot of people trying to find that point in their own life is, it's amazing how similar affairs/betrayal can be when everyone shares their experiences and hopefully help heal along the way.

 

 

 

 

 

-FC

Edited April 21, 2012 by FightClub

[OpenBook]

What would you say to anyone who is somewhere in-between the breaking point of the end of an affair?

 

Always trust your gut. That still, small voice deep inside you, that can be (and way too often is) so easily ignored & silenced.

 

Fortunately it's quite the persistent little cuss - if we haven't completely killed it off!

[seren]

I would advise stop making excuses for their poor behaviour, if you have tried to talk and they keep saying nothing is wrong, or if you are told you are loved, yet don't feel they are acting in a loving way. Then lay it out on the table. Never settle for less than you expect and if you are married, don't just be a husband or wife, remember what it was about the other you fell in love with and nurture it. Reality only kicked in for me on D Day, unfortunately, hindsight is a wonderful thing even if it does kick you in the a***.

[Gentlegirl2]

I think reality hit a few months after the end of the A. I fretted and pined , cried and grieved.

 

One day I woke up and thought... hey, none of this is going to make a jot of difference to anything . To XMM, it was just an affair and that's all he ever wanted. For me, at the time, I wanted something much more with him. It was the realisation that I was just a bit on the side that hit me .

 

It was then just a matter of trusting time to do its work and getting on with my life.

 

I don't believe it's possible to tell anybody else how they should behave or feel about the A they are recovering from. It's so very individual , although there are a huge number of commone factors.

 

GG

[jphcbpa]

When I felt worse leaving her after sex than I did before seeing her. Dead end - no win game

[Gentlegirl2]

When I felt worse leaving her after sex than I did before seeing her. Dead end - no win game

 

 

That too,

 

GG

[beenburned]

During the time my H was cheating his whole personality changed.All my concerns and questions were met by denials and gaslighting to the point I felt crazy!

 

D-day occurred when his co-workers wife told me what all had been going on.

All of them had also been cheating and their wives were filing for divorce. I was the last wife to find out and the only one that had 2 small children.

 

In a way, it was a huge relief to know my instincts had all been correct. It also explained the huge change in his personality!

 

I immediately separated from him with the intention of a divorce. After about a month, he came begging me for another chance. I returned on a trial basis only because as a SAHM I needed to find a job to support myself.

 

I got a good job and went to college at night. I really didn't think he was capable of keeping all his promises. But he did and we didn't divorce.

[frozensprouts]

if you men the reality that my husband was cheating...

 

it "clicked" when, after a couple of months of him being online chatting every night with a "friend" i asked him to stop, as it was making me uncomfortable....( not because i thought he was cheating, but because i thought he was spending too much time online)...

 

a few days later, he told me he wasn't happy and was leaving to move in with a "friend" ( you get three guesses as to who she was and the first three don't count- )...but hewas doing an online course, and would need to come home during the days to do it....

 

a few days later i sat down to use our computer and he'd forgotten o log out of facebook before he left, and there on the screen was a letter from her to him on it...about how much she loved him, and even though she knew what they wre doing was "dangerous", she didn't care....( i found other as well, but won't into them)

 

it was like a punch to the stomach...up til then, as foolish as it sounds, i'd trusted him...after that, i knew the truth

[beenburned]

FC,

 

You started this thread, so what's your story?

[FightClub]

Beenburned,

 

 

fOM involved in a EA and one night PA from an affair that ended a year and a half ago, much more clarity today than I had when I was at that point in my life.

 

My story begins here; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/253073-never-thought-id-one

 

and technically ends here; http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/319668-broken-has-passed

 

 

I noticed quite a few posts popping up lately of posters with generally the same question; Why? So, in essence I hope as they are trying to understand the why, the insight can help further the process.

 

Perhaps some of the things that people see now in hindsight can give them some hints to move towards making better choices from this point on with the help of other perspectives, it definitely helped me in general, all the different perspectives and finally breaking the fantasy down into the reality i.e. seeing the affair for what it really was, a fantasy.

 

It's always a matter of choice, just have to make the right ones for ourselves.

 

I suspect I'll always learn something new though, LS has been a blessing to learn from everyone's experiences.

 

-FC

Edited April 23, 2012 by FightClub

[Spark1111]

I agree LS has been a blessing!

 

I think if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck then it isn't job stress, it's another woman!

 

I think my aha moment is when, in loving a man so much and wanting him to be happy, happy, happy, I sacrificed both my needs and my intuition and settled for less than I deserved on the altar of him...maybe this time.... achieiving happiness. What did all that loving self-sacrifice get me? Betrayed.

 

NO DIFFERENT than many an OW/OM who post here today.

 

I had to define what I wanted in a loving relationship, learn how to express it clearly, and either demand it or walk away.

 

I had to demand, coax, prod out of him what he needed from me. Let me tell ya, these cheaters don't define or communicate their needs well AT ALL.

 

I had to live that if he ever thought he could do better, that the grass was greener elsewhere, the door was always open and I would find someone to mow my lawn or I'd do it myself. I still live that today, because I value myself more than any old, outdated notion of "us."

 

 

 

NO MORE EXCUSES or EXCUSING POOR BEHAVIOR IN THE NAME OF LOVE OR LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.

 

I got one shot, and it will only be as good as I choose to make it.

[Danie]

Realty for me that there was an affair was when he told me. I raged against the truth for a very short time….then asked him to leave the house. During this time he became so distant, cold eyes, curt words. Realty for me that my marriage was truly over was when ended up in the hospital. During this time it was like he was pushing me away with one hand and pulling be back with the other hand. I was doing damage to myself by stressing too much. I *wanted* to be happy again….and this was making me the complete opposite of happy.

 

I think reality for him that the marriage was over was when I started looking through him. It hurt every time I saw him…so I started looking through him, right past him. I stopped taking his calls. I didn’t see the point anymore of seeing him or talking to him. Reality for him that the affair was over happened over night (so he says) he just woke up thinking “What the hell am I doing?” and from there our reconciliation started.

 

Reality for her that the affair was over? I’m not really sure….but I’d hazard a guess that it sunk into her that he was really never going back to her was probably about 2 months after he came home. She got a bit nutty and harassing. I’d think this is when she really knew their relationship was over.

[wannabdone]

For me, it wasn't "one instance" or an "over night" thing, by any means. It was probably a 2 year process. Being in a long term A and having multiple Ddays, I just started seeing the same lines, the same behavior.... and quite frankly it got so ridiculous that any idiot could see it. There was just so many times that one could hear the lines and the excuses, and the time frame being pushed back more and more.

 

I started counseling, I started writing on LS. I started seeing how the lines and excuses were common. I started piecing it all together. THEN, the final key was when I realized that I deserved more. Not just saying it, but really knowing it. That I was selling myself short of a life that I could be someones #1. That I had wasted a fourth of my life listening and desperately wanting to buy his words.

 

I then started hearing what he would say as more annoying than feeling bad for him. I was so nuturing to him, and he had so many problems, I never had a chance to have a problem myself. It was all about him. I remember telling him one time "get over it, we all have problems", and he about fell over. Shortly there after I told him I would never be the OW again. of course, his reply was "OK, I will make sure your not, I will be yours" and even that went all over me.... it was always about how he was the prize. Well wasn't I a prize as well????

 

So, as I joke the stubborn Irish can be a good thing, but in this instance was not. It caused me to stay in something that I should have seen years earlier, but was too damn stubborn to not see the truth.

 

I still have revalations on about a weekly basis. And just SMH. I'm still healing and still working through it. I wonder how long I will be.

[Radagast]

So, what was it? What triggered that moment where you recognized you were getting less than you deserved? Or that you realized you either were or weren't happy in the marriage, if you could pinpoint what/how it happened, what can you say looking forward now?

 

I had long felt that things were not right in the marriage, but had assumed it was no better and no worse than any other marriage. Marriages all have problems, surely. But following an work-related incident my then-wife decided she wanted to separate and moved out. She did not cope well during the separation. When a friend asked how I was coping expecting to hear similar stories he was very surprised as was I when I replied honestly that it felt like when you stop banging your head against a wall. I realised in that moment that I was happier apart and that the marriage had taken a greater toll on me than I realised at the time. With hindsight now I can say I should have taken that realisation and acted on it promptly and filed for divorce at that point instead of waiting to see how things would play out and taking my then-wife back when she begged to return and promised certain undertakings to change things.

 

To others I would say, if you are unhappy in your relationship whether it is a marriage an affair or any other kind, set yourself realistic tasks to try to change it and if you cannot change it to be happy within it then leave. Being a martyr within a relationship even if you are staying for children benefits no one ultimately. Never make your happiness dependent on what someone else does or does not do. You are responsible for your own life and your own happiness.