Harmless google?

[luvstarved]

I can't sleep because I have been trying to manufacture a positive interpretation of this.

 

I went to browser history (my H is barely computer-literate so doesn't even know it's there most likely) to look up the name of a park I'd googled earlier and couldn't remember...

 

And there at the top was "how to know if a girl likes you". This got my curiosity up so I dug a little and saw that he had gone to several sites from google on this topic, as well as sites on body language, how to tell when someone is lying, etc.

 

I've had issues with him before, not of outright infidelity but "inappropriate" situations with women at work (one flirted with him outrageously and he seemed obsessed with her actions for a while, another essentially gave him "masturbation fodder" in private meetings for months in which she would talk at length about her prowess with fellatio). Both of these situations eventually ended due to circumstance, but now I am thinking, here comes another one...

although it was abundantly clear both times that these women had successfully manipulated him with their sexuality, he claims no wrongdoing and that the whole problem is that I am insecure.

 

If he were concerned that someone was giving him unwanted attention at work, he would say something, so I think it is more that yet someone else is titillating him and he wants to know if she means it or something. As to the lying, I wonder if he is looking for tips to sound truthful...?

 

Can someone help me manufacture a plausible reason for him to directly google this stuff?

 

Thanks

[luvstarved]

BTW I've heard plenty of stuff about office affairs at this place so it's not uncommon in the environment although he claims to find it repulsive and unprofessional and himself to be above such things.

[luvstarved]

Another BTW my current plan is to leave it on the computer display for him to know I saw it and give him a chance to bring it up before I do. I was not spying on him, it was right in my face.

[CC12]

Another BTW my current plan is to leave it on the computer display for him to know I saw it and give him a chance to bring it up before I do. I was not spying on him, it was right in my face.

 

Or you could just tell him what you found and start the conversation that way. Leaving it on the computer for him to find it and explain it to you is a little too passive-aggressive for my tastes. That feels like a sneaky setup to me. You want honesty from him, so be honest about how you found it.

 

 

Can someone help me manufacture a plausible reason for him to directly google this stuff?

 

It's weird that you used the term "manufacture." It's like you're asking us to make up reasons that would make it okay for him to google that stuff. I mean, doing a search for "how to know if a girl likes you" could be completely innocent. Who knows? Actually, you do. You know.

 

 

 

As an aside, I'd like to comment on this:

 

although it was abundantly clear both times that these women had successfully manipulated him with their sexuality

 

You're putting the blame on these women instead of placing the blame where it should be, on your husband. I mean, is this a good excuse for being unfaithful? "Honey, no, I swear, it's not my fault! She manipulated me with her sexuality!!"

 

Have you ever been manipulated by someone's sexuality? I haven't. And I guess if I ever did get manipulated by someone's sexuality, then I'd have to own up to it and say, "Welp. Yeah. I fell for it. No excuse for that. All my fault." What I would not do is try to convince my significant other that I did nothing wrong and that he/she is just being insecure.

[PlumPrincess]

Or you could just tell him what you found and start the conversation that way. Leaving it on the computer for him to find it and explain it to you is a little too passive-aggressive for my tastes. That feels like a sneaky setup to me. You want honesty from him, so be honest about how you found it.

 

 

 

 

It's weird that you used the term "manufacture." It's like you're asking us to make up reasons that would make it okay for him to google that stuff. I mean, doing a search for "how to know if a girl likes you" could be completely innocent. Who knows? Actually, you do. You know.

 

 

 

As an aside, I'd like to comment on this:

 

 

 

You're putting the blame on these women instead of placing the blame where it should be, on your husband. I mean, is this a good excuse for being unfaithful? "Honey, no, I swear, it's not my fault! She manipulated me with her sexuality!!"

 

Have you ever been manipulated by someone's sexuality? I haven't. And I guess if I ever did get manipulated by someone's sexuality, then I'd have to own up to it and say, "Welp. Yeah. I fell for it. No excuse for that. All my fault." What I would not do is try to convince my significant other that I did nothing wrong and that he/she is just being insecure.

I totally agree with everything. And men who can be led that easily astray are not relationship material and even less marriage material. Of course, these women are annoying, but your husband should be the one to set clear boundaries for them. You're his wife, not his watchdog that has to make sure that there are not bad women around who seduce that poor, helpless husband of yours.

[standtall]

I can't sleep because I have been trying to manufacture a positive interpretation of this.

 

I went to browser history (my H is barely computer-literate so doesn't even know it's there most likely) to look up the name of a park I'd googled earlier and couldn't remember...

 

And there at the top was "how to know if a girl likes you". This got my curiosity up so I dug a little and saw that he had gone to several sites from google on this topic, as well as sites on body language, how to tell when someone is lying, etc.

 

 

This is why guys don't want to get married. I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. This insecure, controlling kind of behavior just smothers men. If you're that insecure about your relationship. then do yourself a favor and end it before it goes farther.

 

 

Another BTW my current plan is to leave it on the computer display for him to know I saw it and give him a chance to bring it up before I do

 

Please get to the point and just ask him, and if your issue with his search is such a weak one that you don't want to confront him, then just forget about it. If my wife did this, I would blame her for making a minor problem into a big one. Your set up is a much greater sin than his search.

[SandieBeach]

I can't sleep because I have been trying to manufacture a positive interpretation of this.

 

I went to browser history (my H is barely computer-literate so doesn't even know it's there most likely) to look up the name of a park I'd googled earlier and couldn't remember...

 

And there at the top was "how to know if a girl likes you". This got my curiosity up so I dug a little and saw that he had gone to several sites from google on this topic, as well as sites on body language, how to tell when someone is lying, etc.

 

I've had issues with him before, not of outright infidelity but "inappropriate" situations with women at work (one flirted with him outrageously and he seemed obsessed with her actions for a while, another essentially gave him "masturbation fodder" in private meetings for months in which she would talk at length about her prowess with fellatio). Both of these situations eventually ended due to circumstance, but now I am thinking, here comes another one...

although it was abundantly clear both times that these women had successfully manipulated him with their sexuality, he claims no wrongdoing and that the whole problem is that I am insecure.

 

If he were concerned that someone was giving him unwanted attention at work, he would say something, so I think it is more that yet someone else is titillating him and he wants to know if she means it or something. As to the lying, I wonder if he is looking for tips to sound truthful...?

 

Can someone help me manufacture a plausible reason for him to directly google this stuff?

 

Thanks

 

I am with most of the posters here. Talk to the man, and don't be passive-aggressive about it. This sounds like a "small" thing that can potentially escalate into a much bigger cheating problem.

 

So yes, talk to him about what you found on the computer, and while you are at it, ask him why he feels he needs (and responds to) attention from other women. If this is something you two can work through, this is the perfect time.

[Try]

There is a possibility that he was trying to see if you really like him or are you just married to him because of history. In doing so he wanted to see if you were lying to him when you when he asked you questions.

 

I would not leave it up on the screen so that he would bring it up. That would not only show him exactly how to erase it in the future, and it would also give him a chance to formulate an answer, making whatever he answers suspect by you.

[luvstarved]

Well the reason I wanted him to have a heads up is because part of me knew that trying to talk about it would be fruitless...and I thought I might just go with, yeah I saw this...whatever.

 

But, I DID try to talk with him about it and got the expected response.

 

A wee bit of background, over the course of the weekend, we had a lengthy conversation about whether he should go to his superiors about a coworker who failed to use the words "thank you" when responding to him in an email. This coworker, he determined, is an arrogant bitch and needs to be called on the carpet for this extremely disrespectful behavior.

 

We had another lengthy conversation about a high school friend who made joking references to some somewhat unsavory behavior from their past when partying, etc. He determined THIS guy was a jealous and malicious a**hole that was insulting and threatening him by making these references (it was akin to, remember that time we got drunk and broke into a stadium). I see where he could have found it embarrassing, but NO! The guy wasn't being ignorant, he was pointedly trying to make him look bad because he is malicious and jealous!

 

I tried to take the point of view that it was possible that these things were done as oversights or slightly insensitive behavior, but not mean-spirited and attacking. Then he got angry with ME for not agreeing with him, taking the other person's side, and accused me of disagreeing basically for sport, or also to insult and attack.

 

So, that was the weekend's discussion until I had an issue of being hurt and confused about seeing this "how to know if a girl likes you" thing. I told him that I did not really want to talk about it, but had inadvertently seen that he had googled and researched this topic and that it hurt my feelings and made me feel insecure.

 

He flew off the handle and started yelling. First he said that I was crazy, spying on his every move, and that he had intentionally gone on those sites to prove I was spying. Then he said that he had just clicked on a link but clicked out of it right away (not true, he typed it in and visited multiple sites on the topic). Then he said that I was impossible to get along with because I could not have a rational conversation. Then he said that I was not normal, was highly dysfunctional and that he couldn't take my insecurities anymore.

 

I am thinking, we talked all freakin' weekend about these nits that make you think people are out to get you, but the problem is MY insecurity?

 

I ended up just letting it go and used some excuses to be out of the house most of the day.

 

But the takeaway I have is: his insecurities are because other people are screwed up, my insecurities are because I am screwed up.

 

I did not accuse him of anything, I just wanted to express my unease and hopefully be reassured. But I did not get anything close to that. Basically, it was all about how what I was saying was ruining his day and what a pain in the ass I am to deal with.

 

As for the other women, they DID start it and they DID manipulate him. Seriously guys if a woman was in your office talking about BJs to you, you would tell her to shut up? And you wouldn't be affected by it? The issue I had with him was that he did not put an end to it until HE felt threatened by it (thought the BJ woman - HIS SUPERIOR - was going to sabotage him for not "fully" responding, only then did he tell me about it - and when I admitted that it upset me, his response was, I KNEW you'd overreact - even though all I did was say it upset me and that I thought it was wrong of him not to put an end to it sooner).

 

Anyway it isn't his actions it is his unwillingness to consider my feelings. These situations DO threaten me and make me insecure, and so yes I too am a flawed human. But, how am I supposed to feel more secure when every time I admit an insecurity, I am told that I am an impossible dysfunctional pain in the a**???

[2sunny]

You are not flawed because of how you feel. You feel what you feel.

 

His evidence of going to those sites - is what he's mad about. That is HIS! Yet he doesn't want to own his behavior. That's not nice of him!

 

He also gaslighted you! That's even worse!!!

 

And this isn't his first experience with inappropriate participation so we have to wonder if this is his pattern. It looks like it is - all while he tries to make himself an innocent bystander- he's not innocent when it keeps happening!

 

You have every right to be damn mad...and I'd tell him that straight up!

 

He's considered this gal - that's the bare minimum... Which is just crappy considering he's supposed to be acting married.

 

It's NOT harmless. It's hurtful!

 

 

And I don't like the word "manufacture" when it comes to communication - be direct! No need to ever "make something up that's not true"!!!!

 

And I don't care if those women started it - he ALLOWED himself to be manipulated by even PARTICIPATING! He can say " that's not appropriate conversation! Sheez!

Edited April 23, 2012 by 2sunny

[FitChick]

He should report his superior for sexual harassment. Then she'll either be warned or fired since most large companies don't want to deal with future lawsuits.

[luvstarved]

He did start proceedings against her but they were nipped in the bud with a warning...she emailed him that he should have told her she was crossing boundaries (my translation: I thought you were enjoying it!).

 

Anyway, he emailed me today that he was sorry he got so upset with me about the "how to tell if a girl likes you" issue, that it was "silly" but he probably would not have liked it either.

 

I have been very distant...I mean, he calls me 4 or 5 times a day - I never call him unless some pressing issue, but somehow I am crawling up his butt?

He has back to back sexually charged situations at work, then when he is seeking info on whether "a girl likes you", I am not supposed to see a red flag?

 

The distance is not about him being human and experiencing tempation. It is about his denial of his humanity and his failure to accept mine and my experience of feeling threatened. Nope! I'm just a crazy jealous ass and as always, he has done nothing wrong.

 

Just sick of being made the problem when there is some issue with his behavior. Especially in such a harsh manner.